Grrungebunny
With permission from folkin_up_again
Hi guys! I just have to ask a question regarding grrungebunny You might know her from her recent 2Minutes To Take Off fic. Anyway, she's my beta and when I went to send her an email today, it didn't send through (im assuming her hotmail has been deleted) and when I went to go and send her an email on lj, I found out her account had been deleted as well. I thought thats a bit strange considering she only just finished her multi-chaptered fic and now, the account containing it all has been deleted. Plus, there was no warning, she seemed to be fine when I spoke to her only two days ago, she never mentioned deleting her account or suggested it. But, im pretty worried because there's no way I can get in contact with her and its like shes disappeared from the internet without even saying anything. So if any of you guys know what happened, if she's left or something, i'd be grateful for info!
Thanks guys! Sorry its not related to 2min but, I have nowhere else to turn to. ^^;
Answer found! Grrungebuny sent me an email to tell you all. (she told me to copypaste)
remember when i told you i hated writing smut? theres sort of more to it than that, and i know i owe you an explanation for leaving. but please know that i didnt just up and leave, and that in my a/n on my last post, i did tell everyone that i was leaving and that the journal would be getting deleted in about a week, maybe longer or earlier. i dont blame anyone for not seeing that, since the a/n was probably longer than the chapter itself :L
i've been thinking of quitting for a long time. its hard to just say this, because its all jumbled up in my head and im trying to organise my thoughts. i wrote fanfiction because i wanted to have a cool neat little journal with a pretty layout and my work on it. i just wanted to sit back and look at that, for a moment. then i came up with my story idea, and started on it. i was so excited, but at the same time a bit hesitant. would i actually finish this? would i actually write smut? but the thing is, i knew this fic would be slow going, and that i didnt want my readers to get impatient, so i wrote those oneshots. i felt strange writing prisonor, like i'd crossed a line or something. but then a whole new wave of people liked that, so i went on with it.
but the more i wrote, the more "depressed" i became. i didnt like what i was doing. i think its because im young. i realised how badly it was affecting me, so i promised myself that when i finished this stupid fic, i would just quit and go back to how i used to be. i noticed that i was telling dirtier jokes to all of my friends, and though they laughed, i didnt like that i made myself into the person that everyone takes a laugh from, or be the person that is known for being dirtyminded. i cant properly put this into words, no matter how big my love for writing, but everyone, please try and understand. i think i put myself in a position where i tried to grow up too fast, or just in a place that completely goes against my own morals. its a strange line i was walking, going from this world to the real one, but it was upsetting. it was even worse, because i knew i would dissapoint people if i left. your comments were more or less the only thing that kept me going. and i didnt want to really explain myself, because then someone could easily say "then dont write smut!"
but thats also the thing. i dont WANT to write fanfiction. i wrote two novels before, and i want to go back to that. when my characters were my in my head, not fantasies about idols getting it on with each other.
does any of this make sense? the reason i deleted it sooner, was because i wanted to completely move away from all of this. a big factor as to why i deleted it early was because since id announced publicly that i was leaving, i was afraid people would copy my fic and not necessarily plagiarise, but upload it somewhere. that paranoia also led me to hasten my decision. i kept my cursor over the deactivate button of my email for about ten minutes, just thinking and hesitating. i wanted to put this all behind me, but i didnt want to at the same time. id agreed to beta for you, and with that comes responsibility. i thought, no, i shouldnt delete this just yet. i need to beta irene's fic first. but then i just closed my eyes and pressed the button because i already made my decision, and i figured i should have completely gone through with it.
your comments made me really upset with myself, so i apologise for that. please forgive me for being so abrupt, but i wont be coming back. ive never been a fangirly sort of fan, so i guess the long and short of it is that this doesnt really suit me at all and i'd rather just be myself, even if it means sacrifice.
will you forgive me? i'm so sorry, and of course i appreciate all of this
<3