(no subject)
There is a thought that's been bugging me for a long time, the question if I am a sociopath. Of course I am not a killer or something, nor am I sadistic or something in that vein. What I think about is something I read about sociopaths once. Some of them apparently have an period in their lives when they want to involve themselves in society, when they want to do like anyone else. But for some reason, some of these sociopaths don't succeed, they start to think it's not worth it, that the reward for behaving sanely isn't sufficient.
I admit this attitude has been in me for quite a while. I often tried to involve myself with people, but for some reason I don't see clearly yet I was often unsuccessful. I quickly felt tired of people. Especially when I saw within them the same imperfection I have seen within me. If one wants to love humans, does he need a reason for that? Do these other humans have to deserve to be given respect, or is giving them such respect one of their basic rights, at least until they prove to be a harmful acquaintance?
Morality is a tricky thing. Altruism can make one burn out fast, but only if practiced with the actual expectation of a reward. Sometimes such expectation lurks deep inside, and I am not aware of it, which makes the depression after the deed much more exhausting.
As far as I understand christianity, one of the things that it teaches is not to abandon love, faith and hope, but to redirect it and to acquire redeemed love, faith and hope. My salvation came with a price I couldn't have paid myself. I am not a liberated dauphine .. I am a purchased slave. This being circumcized inwardly .. I don't have it yet, I think. But I don't quite know how to get there. When I had my encounters with God, the greatest enemy of mine lurked inside. The devil is troublesome too, but all of his hold on me came from my own flaws.
I understand that christian guy now which I met over at the challenging_god community. He talked about having hated himself, having loathed himself, having found himself unable to be a christian like he knew a christian would have to be like. I find the same disability in me, at least most of the times. I do deeds that could be considered deeds of love, yet I don't do them as willingly and as happily as I think I should do them. I have a sense of virtue .. but apparently not the determination to truly become who virtue demands that I become.
I don't think I can solve this with a text. I can only pray again and ask Jesus to show me how his burden is light.
I admit this attitude has been in me for quite a while. I often tried to involve myself with people, but for some reason I don't see clearly yet I was often unsuccessful. I quickly felt tired of people. Especially when I saw within them the same imperfection I have seen within me. If one wants to love humans, does he need a reason for that? Do these other humans have to deserve to be given respect, or is giving them such respect one of their basic rights, at least until they prove to be a harmful acquaintance?
Morality is a tricky thing. Altruism can make one burn out fast, but only if practiced with the actual expectation of a reward. Sometimes such expectation lurks deep inside, and I am not aware of it, which makes the depression after the deed much more exhausting.
As far as I understand christianity, one of the things that it teaches is not to abandon love, faith and hope, but to redirect it and to acquire redeemed love, faith and hope. My salvation came with a price I couldn't have paid myself. I am not a liberated dauphine .. I am a purchased slave. This being circumcized inwardly .. I don't have it yet, I think. But I don't quite know how to get there. When I had my encounters with God, the greatest enemy of mine lurked inside. The devil is troublesome too, but all of his hold on me came from my own flaws.
I understand that christian guy now which I met over at the challenging_god community. He talked about having hated himself, having loathed himself, having found himself unable to be a christian like he knew a christian would have to be like. I find the same disability in me, at least most of the times. I do deeds that could be considered deeds of love, yet I don't do them as willingly and as happily as I think I should do them. I have a sense of virtue .. but apparently not the determination to truly become who virtue demands that I become.
I don't think I can solve this with a text. I can only pray again and ask Jesus to show me how his burden is light.