(no subject)
God lives.
Just after writing that entry of my realization that I am to serve other people, I went out to get myself some cigs and something to eat. It is sunday, and since conventional shops are closed on sunday in Germany, and since the late night shops don't accept debit cards and because I didn't have cash in my pocket, I decided to walk to a distant fuel station which are open all the time. I was well on my way when I was nearing a crossroad. I was contemplating something in my mind and so I nearly missed him: a man was lying in the underbrush to my right, on his face. He wasn't moving. I immediately moved over to him and spoke to him and shook him a little. He was conscious, but as I soon discovered, drunk. I tried to talk to him, but only heard a few groans. I kept on talking and eventually he said a few things. I asked him if things are ok or if anything would hurt. This wasn't the case. I helped him up, which was very hard. I wasn't sure if this man had hurt himself besides saying no. He was very weak on his feet, but after a while it got better. As it turned out, the man has tons of problems. He's no asocial, but really is burdened with a lot of problems. He had just drunk himself today only, at least that's what he said. I helped him home. The man was very thankful. He was crying a lot and kept hugging me, even tried to kiss me. As I brought him home, he showed me his small appartmen. He was right, he was no asocial. Anything was clean, though partially very disordered. Cleaner than my box. He kept showing me around and hugging me and went on talking and talking, often the same things all over. I was worried if he had really hurt himself somewhere and just wouldn't feel it yet, so I wondered if I should call an ambulance, which he refused though. After a while he decided to sit down. And then he started to talk for real, in coherent sentences and without the many repetitions. He really has tons of problems, weird ones for me. He has a small garden somewhere, but says he can't go there because he always gets attacked from other people that would beat him up or disturb him otherwise. I never heard of something like this, as allotment garden culture is big in Germany, especially east Germany where I live. He tried to get help, but received almost none. Even the local allotment garden didn't help much. He said it was because he had to come to them repeatedly with the same problems. He had all kinds of trouble going. Back in the 90's, he had tried to take care of his old age provision, done some insurances. The company bankrupted, and the legal outcome was such that not only did he loose his pension and the money already spent for that, but also had to pay something. I admit I never thought of something like this being possible in this country. His wife died some years ago. I saw a picture of their marriage in the living room. He showed me his bedroom, and one half of it was ... well, it seemed like an altar full of flowers. He didn't speak about it though. We wrote down each other's addresses and telephone numbers and after he had relaxed a bit more and had told me some more of his life, I went off. This man is awesome. Above his appartment lives an old lady in her eighties, old, ill, disabled. This guy at the end of his rope takes care of her, washes her in his shower, washes her clothes. Prevents her from being forced into a home for the elderly. I mean, the man is 62. He could need someone to watch over him. Yet he takes her not only of himself and his ton of troubles, but also of another. He said he'd really like to have a holiday once, like 8 days in turkey. But he can't find a place for the woman in that time. Short time care would cost around 60,- Euros per day. Hmm. Maybe that's where I can jump in. After all I know about nursing, done that before. So he could have a holiday. Yes, this fits exactly.
Last night and part of this day had been very dark for me, emotionally. Partly it felt like in one of the episodes of my schizophrenia. So much intensity, but no way to deal with it cathartically. Now I'm calm and close to being happy. Is this not how it should be? To receive satisfaction from helping someone? I know I just have to keep contact to this blessing. It will spare me from certain troubles, from the feeling of being unjustified, from starting to believe from contemplating the deep things that God is careless or even evil. In all honesty, I can now concur with the german christian habit and address God as my dear God. A God who encourages this - he cannot be evil. Something to hold onto, something that isn't just a piece of straw. This is thick and warm.
I wonder if I could generalize this. That when someone wants to help people, wants to serve the good, if he will then be presented with opportunities, will be lead on a way to people who need this help. If that is true, then this is a way to prove God's existence, to oneself, at least. God himself cannot be disproven, but any method of proving him apparently can be discredited. That's what humans do, instead of disproving they discredit. Isn't that true?
One thing I have learned ... I will probably get not a bit closer to God with theology. But when I do this walk, I will get as close as I can get, as close as I need to have my reward.
Atheists are often successful at battling theists of various backgrounds. It is also noteworthy that many of them have good reasons, although God himself may see this differently than I. But then again, the man I met wasn't even a christian. But am I? I mean, for real? All I really know now is that being a christian isn't something to be feared. God isn't to be feared in the sense of being scared of him being evil. God has made a way for me. After all, atheists may attack preachers, but how many attack the likes of Mother Terese? Not that I am a mother terese. But I do believe God erects a shield between such people and other ones. He doesn't prevent attacks towards them, maybe. But it is there, a light of God such people can see. May I be blessed with never forgetting that if I should have my times of trial.
Just after writing that entry of my realization that I am to serve other people, I went out to get myself some cigs and something to eat. It is sunday, and since conventional shops are closed on sunday in Germany, and since the late night shops don't accept debit cards and because I didn't have cash in my pocket, I decided to walk to a distant fuel station which are open all the time. I was well on my way when I was nearing a crossroad. I was contemplating something in my mind and so I nearly missed him: a man was lying in the underbrush to my right, on his face. He wasn't moving. I immediately moved over to him and spoke to him and shook him a little. He was conscious, but as I soon discovered, drunk. I tried to talk to him, but only heard a few groans. I kept on talking and eventually he said a few things. I asked him if things are ok or if anything would hurt. This wasn't the case. I helped him up, which was very hard. I wasn't sure if this man had hurt himself besides saying no. He was very weak on his feet, but after a while it got better. As it turned out, the man has tons of problems. He's no asocial, but really is burdened with a lot of problems. He had just drunk himself today only, at least that's what he said. I helped him home. The man was very thankful. He was crying a lot and kept hugging me, even tried to kiss me. As I brought him home, he showed me his small appartmen. He was right, he was no asocial. Anything was clean, though partially very disordered. Cleaner than my box. He kept showing me around and hugging me and went on talking and talking, often the same things all over. I was worried if he had really hurt himself somewhere and just wouldn't feel it yet, so I wondered if I should call an ambulance, which he refused though. After a while he decided to sit down. And then he started to talk for real, in coherent sentences and without the many repetitions. He really has tons of problems, weird ones for me. He has a small garden somewhere, but says he can't go there because he always gets attacked from other people that would beat him up or disturb him otherwise. I never heard of something like this, as allotment garden culture is big in Germany, especially east Germany where I live. He tried to get help, but received almost none. Even the local allotment garden didn't help much. He said it was because he had to come to them repeatedly with the same problems. He had all kinds of trouble going. Back in the 90's, he had tried to take care of his old age provision, done some insurances. The company bankrupted, and the legal outcome was such that not only did he loose his pension and the money already spent for that, but also had to pay something. I admit I never thought of something like this being possible in this country. His wife died some years ago. I saw a picture of their marriage in the living room. He showed me his bedroom, and one half of it was ... well, it seemed like an altar full of flowers. He didn't speak about it though. We wrote down each other's addresses and telephone numbers and after he had relaxed a bit more and had told me some more of his life, I went off. This man is awesome. Above his appartment lives an old lady in her eighties, old, ill, disabled. This guy at the end of his rope takes care of her, washes her in his shower, washes her clothes. Prevents her from being forced into a home for the elderly. I mean, the man is 62. He could need someone to watch over him. Yet he takes her not only of himself and his ton of troubles, but also of another. He said he'd really like to have a holiday once, like 8 days in turkey. But he can't find a place for the woman in that time. Short time care would cost around 60,- Euros per day. Hmm. Maybe that's where I can jump in. After all I know about nursing, done that before. So he could have a holiday. Yes, this fits exactly.
Last night and part of this day had been very dark for me, emotionally. Partly it felt like in one of the episodes of my schizophrenia. So much intensity, but no way to deal with it cathartically. Now I'm calm and close to being happy. Is this not how it should be? To receive satisfaction from helping someone? I know I just have to keep contact to this blessing. It will spare me from certain troubles, from the feeling of being unjustified, from starting to believe from contemplating the deep things that God is careless or even evil. In all honesty, I can now concur with the german christian habit and address God as my dear God. A God who encourages this - he cannot be evil. Something to hold onto, something that isn't just a piece of straw. This is thick and warm.
I wonder if I could generalize this. That when someone wants to help people, wants to serve the good, if he will then be presented with opportunities, will be lead on a way to people who need this help. If that is true, then this is a way to prove God's existence, to oneself, at least. God himself cannot be disproven, but any method of proving him apparently can be discredited. That's what humans do, instead of disproving they discredit. Isn't that true?
One thing I have learned ... I will probably get not a bit closer to God with theology. But when I do this walk, I will get as close as I can get, as close as I need to have my reward.
Atheists are often successful at battling theists of various backgrounds. It is also noteworthy that many of them have good reasons, although God himself may see this differently than I. But then again, the man I met wasn't even a christian. But am I? I mean, for real? All I really know now is that being a christian isn't something to be feared. God isn't to be feared in the sense of being scared of him being evil. God has made a way for me. After all, atheists may attack preachers, but how many attack the likes of Mother Terese? Not that I am a mother terese. But I do believe God erects a shield between such people and other ones. He doesn't prevent attacks towards them, maybe. But it is there, a light of God such people can see. May I be blessed with never forgetting that if I should have my times of trial.