as the melatonin seeps in
I worked today from 7am-5pm. On my feet the whole time, malnourished and all. I came home. Got back around 6 and crashed. Meant to get up at 7, but slept until 9. Then I talked with my mom for a bit. I had mentioned in passing that my friend who cuts my hair is doing free hair cuts with a color. I had thought about dying my hair just for the hell of it. Just for a change, but then my mother asked if I was going to dye my hair red (amanda has natural red hair). I thought that was a little insensitive given my emotional state. She said it was in response to the 8th grade trip where i was supposed to dye my hair red. I didn't. No one actually dyed their hair. We all chickened out. I understand what she was getting at, but... anyway.
Still at hco. I don't remember if i had said that i wasn't leaving. It's weird. I can't even find a part-time job that can give me more that 5 hours a week for more than minimum wage right now. But I am avoiding the restaurant industry because I desperately do not want to do that. I hate eating enough already, there is no need to kill that desire all-together.
I had a near epiphany at work today talking to Carly, a boss that worked with me at the murfreesboro store(so she knows amanda). Amanda was in an awful relationship for 3 years. The guy was emotionally abusive, manipulative, and he leeched off of her. She actually told me once that she was at a loss for a way out of the relationship, and she thought of ending her own life. I'm eternally grateful that she didn't. But even still, 1 month and one restraining order later, we started our romance. But she wasn't ready to move on emotionally. I can't really make sense of why. She said it was like a 3 year long break-up. I guess it's not important that I figure out why though-though I do feel cheated, like he fucked things up with a girl that I could have been very happy with even though he is out of the picture. The more important thing is that she has to figure out why she stayed that long. I feel like maybe she just isn't that strong. Whatever it is, it's less than what I deserve. She also says that she needs to figure out what she wants, perhaps she doesn't want a boyfriend. I can understand that, but in terms of her life, we had talked about that so much. I was pushing her to do more. I was going to take her to a debt counselor, so she could create a plan to get rid of her debt. We made a pact that we would figure out what we wanted to do with,at least the next 5 years of our lives if not the rest of our lives together or not, though staying together that much longer may have made other decisions harder.
In short, in her current state, I can't be with her. And even in the future, unless she shows some sign of change or a romantic gesture, I won't be convinced to go back. It seems we can't, I can't go back no matter how much I want to. "That girl is like a sunburn I would like to save" 3eb. But I'm still not completely over her, but this has definitely helped me to move on. I had to come to this realization myself, because I'm pretty sure many people have told me this before in the past 2 1/2 weeks. I still don't know how I would react if I saw her. I could be civil and charming, all smiles. Inside, however, would be a different story. But I am jealous. She has friended a few of my friends on facebook, and we have both commented on various status updates of our friends. But she defriended me, so my friends that I introduced her to can talk to her, but I can't. That irks me a bit.
My experience with relationships though, I feel like I don't know what to do anymore despite that this last one is not supposed to be my fault... Anyway, I feel like I've only fucked up one relationship. One girl simply wasn't right, perhaps I was too nice at one point, and I moved away from another girl, but overall, I've been the one let down. I am nice, but I tend to think, now, it is because I do nice things. And I like to do nice things, or rather, romantic things for a girl that I care about. I get pleasure in doing those things, so I'm not going to stop. I don't think making someone happy is a sick pleasure. I can't seem to balance what girls need and what they say they want I guess. I try to be a leader, but also make decisions and compromises together. I try to get them to try new things as well as teach them new things. I also do plenty of things many men are not willing to do... Perhaps I will be doomed to have short, violent, beautiful romances. And I will accept this because I don't want to change that part of me.
Still at hco. I don't remember if i had said that i wasn't leaving. It's weird. I can't even find a part-time job that can give me more that 5 hours a week for more than minimum wage right now. But I am avoiding the restaurant industry because I desperately do not want to do that. I hate eating enough already, there is no need to kill that desire all-together.
I had a near epiphany at work today talking to Carly, a boss that worked with me at the murfreesboro store(so she knows amanda). Amanda was in an awful relationship for 3 years. The guy was emotionally abusive, manipulative, and he leeched off of her. She actually told me once that she was at a loss for a way out of the relationship, and she thought of ending her own life. I'm eternally grateful that she didn't. But even still, 1 month and one restraining order later, we started our romance. But she wasn't ready to move on emotionally. I can't really make sense of why. She said it was like a 3 year long break-up. I guess it's not important that I figure out why though-though I do feel cheated, like he fucked things up with a girl that I could have been very happy with even though he is out of the picture. The more important thing is that she has to figure out why she stayed that long. I feel like maybe she just isn't that strong. Whatever it is, it's less than what I deserve. She also says that she needs to figure out what she wants, perhaps she doesn't want a boyfriend. I can understand that, but in terms of her life, we had talked about that so much. I was pushing her to do more. I was going to take her to a debt counselor, so she could create a plan to get rid of her debt. We made a pact that we would figure out what we wanted to do with,at least the next 5 years of our lives if not the rest of our lives together or not, though staying together that much longer may have made other decisions harder.
In short, in her current state, I can't be with her. And even in the future, unless she shows some sign of change or a romantic gesture, I won't be convinced to go back. It seems we can't, I can't go back no matter how much I want to. "That girl is like a sunburn I would like to save" 3eb. But I'm still not completely over her, but this has definitely helped me to move on. I had to come to this realization myself, because I'm pretty sure many people have told me this before in the past 2 1/2 weeks. I still don't know how I would react if I saw her. I could be civil and charming, all smiles. Inside, however, would be a different story. But I am jealous. She has friended a few of my friends on facebook, and we have both commented on various status updates of our friends. But she defriended me, so my friends that I introduced her to can talk to her, but I can't. That irks me a bit.
My experience with relationships though, I feel like I don't know what to do anymore despite that this last one is not supposed to be my fault... Anyway, I feel like I've only fucked up one relationship. One girl simply wasn't right, perhaps I was too nice at one point, and I moved away from another girl, but overall, I've been the one let down. I am nice, but I tend to think, now, it is because I do nice things. And I like to do nice things, or rather, romantic things for a girl that I care about. I get pleasure in doing those things, so I'm not going to stop. I don't think making someone happy is a sick pleasure. I can't seem to balance what girls need and what they say they want I guess. I try to be a leader, but also make decisions and compromises together. I try to get them to try new things as well as teach them new things. I also do plenty of things many men are not willing to do... Perhaps I will be doomed to have short, violent, beautiful romances. And I will accept this because I don't want to change that part of me.