As of late
So, as of late, I have just been at work and at school. Also as of late, I don't know if I am really ready to go to college. Since the day I discovered my personal freedom and incentive to leave and not be afraid I have wanted to do something more. I hate going to work, then school, then going out for a drink with some friends and doing drugs; I enjoy the moment but never the outcome. So much has made me feel so empty lately, I can't really confidently say I'm that happy anymore. Although for those people who read this they probably think I never am happy but I have had those moments. But this terrible inevitability of going to college just feels more like I'd be wasting my life rather then making it better. I mean, yea it will help me have a future, but what will I feel like at the end? Empty. Always empty. So many have either left, leaving, have left, have finished. I don't think I have done any of that. It is so sad. There is just this lingering insanity that looms every time I finish school, or get off of work. What do I do? What will I do? When will I do it? How will I do it? Can I do it? Do I want to do it? Swearing isn't a release, neither is half the bad habits that I have. Everything is pointless because it has a beginning, and end. Do I have the former or the latter? Yea sure, if you look at it with technicality. With the absolute lens. It is just when I wake up in the morning, I have to go to school or go to work. Then (as of Spring semester) I return to either one or the other. Existential interchanging of existence. Robot, son to parents, robot, son to parents. Makes me sick. I feel sick. I never feel complete, whole, finished, done; I can never move on because there are so many things I hate about me and what I do. Sure I could be more successful but what is the point if I still feel miserable all the time? All this feels like it doesn't have a point, there is no end to any of it. Monotonous tasks, infamous sarcasm, fake smile-laugh-conversation-feelings. Everyday I wish something would hit me, take me down, finish me off. Something. Feeling. Make me sleep forever or open my eyes. If I go off away from everyone, everything, will I feel better? No. Will it help hold back my sadness? Probably not. A stomach ache that never leaves, tired eyes never completely devoid of obvious black circles. Where did my future go? A bottle, a pipe, a cigarette, a pencil, a cup, a fleeting glance, a longing glance. Just once would I like to smile at something other then a joke, a witty remark, feeling like I look good today, sleeping in. I want happiness. I want not to cry every time I think of why I'm so sad. God.