(no subject)
Nobody reads my fucking journal. So I guess it doesn't really matter what I put in here. I'm experiencing both ends of the spectrum today. I'm excessively positive and in a very cheerful mood, but at the same time I'm uber depressed and don't give a shit. I don't quite understand that, but whatever. It's the way everything goes for me I've given up trying to figure it out. Just roll with it, because none of it will matter later. It's all just temporary emotion. What's important are the real things right now. I'm leading a fairly good life. I don't really like myself all too much but that's alright. I've lost my ability to have fun with anything anymore but I'm working on that. I'd like to think that one day I'll be the person I was/wish to be. Maybe, maybe not. It doesn't really matter though. All I have to do it go on day by day and do what's needed. That's all anybody has to do. If I get too caught up in wanting everything to be the way it used to be I'm just going to get more and more depressed and wind up in a gutter with my head all over the wall. That's a lovely thought isn't it. I've lost a lot, I've gained a lot. 'Tis the way things go when you live as me. It's been awhile since I've ranted I don't really know what to talk about. The only person who reads this already knows everything that goes on in my life so is there really any point. It's rather pathetic for me to type it all here for my own well being. Oh well.. it's fun and it gives me something to do on one of those rare days now when there is nothing to do. I haven't been un-busy in over two weeks. That's not normal for me. I have too many thoughts in my head but I lack the ability or the fashion to express them because they move so quickly. Like when people ask me what's wrong because I've shifted into one of my silent thoughtful things. They don't believe me when I say it's nothing but the truth is that half of the time it is nothing. The other day Deanna asked me what was wrong. I of course said nothing so she shifted the question to what's on my mind. The answer went: toxicity, cheese, my aunt, a donkey, Frank, Fed-Ex field, Danny, Deftones, a butterfly, I'm hungry - and then it started over in a slightly different order. I think there's something wrong with me. Muahahaha I love it.