Some Thoughts on Bad Sex
Last weekend, while I was working with Joreth and Eunice on an upcoming episode of the Skeptical Pervert podcast, the conversation veered off in a direction I’ve been chewing on ever since: male expectations around sex.
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Once upon a time I wanted to write an essay entitled "Ejaculation is not Orgasm"[1] to say precisely this! Popular culture has built up female orgasm to be this wonderful, evocative, euphoric, (unfortunately elusive) sensation that is the hallmark of good sex for females. Meanwhile (popular culture adds), men get to ejaculate every time.
[1]: Unfortunately, I found out that scientifically, ejaculation is orgasm so that pushed that title out and I never came up with a different one that was as catchy.
But just like you, I found that wasn't a good comparison [2] Sure, ejaculation is pretty reliably induced by enough physical stimulation, but it is often a letdown; the end point but not always the high point. Some sort of emotional connection is needed to give feeling good a chance. And even then, sometimes, the connection is there, the build up is intense, but the moment of ejaculation is just the end of the pleasure rather than the release and explosion of energy, emotion, and passion.
[2]: I've read and been told that the comparison ( ... )
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I had the most satisfying nonsexual experience I've had with a man on Monday. It was sensual, sexy, fun and validating. I also don't find casual sex enticing or interesting. I've known my friend for 22 years and we simply watched nerdy vids on youtube... Kissed and snuggled. We certainly could have had sex... We got naked certainly... But we didn't. And we still had an affirming and fun time.
I think sex being the end game is something that needs to shift in our consciousness. Having a session of only kissing and falling asleep snuggling can sometimes be even more satisfying....
I'm glad you are willing to talk about this issue. It's an important one for men to recognize and learn how to cultivate satisfying experiences they don't simply end up being sex that is boring or random.
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Yes, exactly! I've done the same-gotten naked and snuggled without sex-and it's awesome. We do indeed need to get away from the idea that sex is the endgame.
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This discussion had me wondering if we were all defining "sex" in the same way. And then I wondered if it would only be pedantic to bring up. I think I've settled on it not really mattering here, between us internet-izens, but it does matter for us when we're having or about to have an in-person experience with a partner.
Like, I wouldn't consider kissing and snuggling to be sex. But on the other hand if we had gotten naked, kissed, and snuggled, I think the next morning I would consider that we had (at least enough that it would require talking afterwards to determine what page the other person was on). On the gripping hand, if I had been asked beforehand, "Would you like to have sex tonight?" and then when we got to the point of being naked and kissing and snuggling, I would be confused if that was where the other person thought we were going to stop for the night.
So maybe this is a question of communication and details? "I would enjoy being aroused together tonight, but I want to be left longing for a little more for this ( ... )
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