Some still further evolving thoughts on veto and metamour relationships

[tacit]

I have spent a lot of time thinking and writing about metamour relationships and veto in polyamory. And everything I’ve written about this in the past was not only wrong, but wrongheaded. Just about everything you’ll see about this in poly forums and communities is wrong, wrongheaded, or both. I don’t think there’s a graceful solution to this

Comments

Excellent writing

[skittenwitch]

I kinda giggled a bit at the my models must be over 18. My partner used the same criterion to rationalize having sex with what are (in my opinion) basically chikdren in essence. Yes. Legally 18 is an adult. But are they actually grown-ups at 18

Re: Excellent writing

[tacit]

I've spent much of the last three years working on doing just that--recognizing where I went wrong in that relationship, and building tools to see problems I didn't see.

My wife has said in the past one of my greatest strengths and also greatest weaknesses is I always see the best in the people I love. That can lead to catastrophe when it blinds me to red flags.

Re: Excellent writing

[skittenwitch]

Youre one of my favorite fetlife buds i met on lj first. You're smart, compassionate... a good writer and an open minded person.
And you're willimg to be vulnerable.
Hugs from skittenwench. :)

Re: Excellent writing

[tacit]

Thank you.

[andrewducker]

I think that the only answer here is "defense in depth".

Have good friends in your life whose judgement you can rely on (at least somewhat - multiple good friends are better than just one, so that if the bad actor gets past one they haven't beaten the system).

Don't have "Red Lines" that might be abused but have "Worry triggers" that mean you retreat a bit and carefully consider the situation to see what you think is actually going on. That way you can't be pushed into "They did X, so you now have to do Y" situations by a manipulator, the worst that can happen is that you get pushed into thinking about things more. Preferably with the help of the above good friends.

Always be aware that you might actually get compromised, and have an escape hatch just in case. Not necessarily a massive one, but something set up so that if you do get taken in it doesn't leave you completely trapped.

[tacit]

This is an excellent approach, I think.