Interview: So your girlfriend has read 50 Shades; now how do you start with BDSM?

[tacit]

A short time ago, I received an email from a writer for Men's Health magazine who'd found me online and wanted to interview me about BDSM. Specifically, the interview was about how someone who's read the book 50 Shades of Grey and found the ideas in it interesting might take the next steo and start exploring BDSM in a relationship

Comments

[sweh]

I thought that, with communication, was the most important part of the response

Women are Individuals

[anonymous]

Well... this is Men's Health we're taking about here.

Re: Women are Individuals

[awfulhorrid]

Now where did I put that +1 button ...?

[greenquotebook]

I'm looking forward to referring my MIL to this interview when it is published. She read the 50 Shades series which led to some very interesting conversations between the two of us. (((HUGS)))

[mellyjc]

I appreciate and thank you for your contributions to society. This is some important education you're providing and I hope the message is well-read and well-understood.

Well done.

[anonymous]

Outstanding.

One tiny tip on talking about what you want - as the interviewer keeps trying to focus on, it's hard to *start.* Submissives often don't like to ask for things and a submissive woman who's never done anything kinky in her life might feel like she'd rather die by blushing than actually say it. :) A good way to break that ice is to ask the other person to send you pictures or stories from the Internet (or books, or whatever) that have things in them that excite them.

THEN, you can say, "Oh, you like that? You think it would be hot if I (whatever it is you think it is is arousing them in the image/story?)" That way they don't have to start, but it feels like *you* are asking, not them. :)

The second step is NOT optional. I don't care how straightforward the picture/story is, you need to confirm that *your* understanding of what is hot about it for them is the same as theirs. This isn't an *alternative* to talking, it's a way to make talking easier.

[kineticflow]

Gah! Those questions make me want to run screaming in the other direction. I hope some of what you said got through and that some of it actually makes it into print.

[joreth]

I'm right there with you on that! It gets frustrating to hear the same kinds of questions over and over again when the interviewee has to constantly rephrase things because the question itself misses the point.

Fortunately, this particular reporter interviewed tacit, whose answers did exactly that - pointed out how the question itself was the wrong way to look at things.

Yes, women are people too, not all doms are men and not all subs are women, you don't "get" people to do stuff, and the most likely answer to any "how do we..." question is "talk to your partner".

[red_girl_42]

See my comment about writers and interview questions in response to mama_hogswatch above. Interviewers don't ask questions to make themselves look smart or enlightened. They ask the questions their readers want to know the answers to, or, sometimes, in line with how their editors have told them to frame the article.