Some thoughts on needs, objectification, and the Magic Genitals Effect

[tacit]

If you venture into the polyamory community for long enough, eventually you will encounter someone who says "Polyamory is good because no one person can meet all of your needs. With poly, I can find different people who meet different needs, and so be happier

Comments

[lifemovingfwd]

I'm not sure that there's a real issue with the "magic genitals" as much as there is a deeper issue with the way we approach relationships. The magic genitals effect seems to appear after sex because that's when everything is "official" somehow... based on social standards.

Socially we are taught that we go into a relationship to get something out of it. It doesn't matter what the relationship is, be it a job, a romantic involvement, a one night stand, or child-rearing. It's actually terribly co-dependent in nature, to expect anyone to meet any need without explicit agreement.

If your partner says to you, "I will be there when you need me most" and then fails to appear when your favorite relative dies, then they have failed not only to meet your need, but to fulfill their promise and obligation. Yes, we have a responsibility, an obligation, to provide our support to our partners. That's called being a good partner. However, if your partner says to you, "I'll be here for you, but please don't ever ask me to go to a hospital because I can't stand them." Then you shouldn't have an expectation that your partner will be there at the hospital with you.

What I've witnessed over time is that in many cases, we don't listen to our partners. She says, "I don't like jewelry that much." He says, "I really want to watch a game on Sundays." She says, "I can never give up my career, it's too important." He says, "I never want to get married." He goes off and buys her rings and bracelets and such. She gets mad when he spends Sundays watching the game. He expects her to turn into a housewife, she expects him to have a big church wedding and sign the papers. It's like we want toasters but we're just not willing to listen when the targeted toaster says "I'm a blender!" Then we blame the other person instead of admitting that we were being a bit dense and not accepting that we didn't get what we wanted because we didn't pick what we wanted. I think this is really what's happening, far more than objectification of our partners. I think what's really happening is that we're expecting people to be what we decided they are (known in psych as projection) and then having the gall to feel hurt when they are still themselves instead of who we decided that they are.

Here's what I think a piece of the solution is. First, sort yourself out. Get therapy if you need to, but get a grip on yourself and your mind/heart. Understand what you want. Develop the ability to accept people AS THEY ARE. You're not going to change them! Accept yourself AS YOU ARE. I think that has to be a big part of the solution. If you're in a place like that, people who're objectifying their partners won't really have much chance with you, and you won't be prone to objectifying them.

[radiantbaby]

What I've witnessed over time is that in many cases, we don't listen to our partners. She says, "I don't like jewelry that much." He says, "I really want to watch a game on Sundays." She says, "I can never give up my career, it's too important." He says, "I never want to get married." He goes off and buys her rings and bracelets and such. She gets mad when he spends Sundays watching the game. He expects her to turn into a housewife, she expects him to have a big church wedding and sign the papers. It's like we want toasters but we're just not willing to listen when the targeted toaster says "I'm a blender!" Then we blame the other person instead of admitting that we were being a bit dense and not accepting that we didn't get what we wanted because we didn't pick what we wanted. I think this is really what's happening, far more than objectification of our partners. I think what's really happening is that we're expecting people to be what we decided they are (known in psych as projection) and then having the gall to feel hurt when they are still themselves instead of who we decided that they are.

This encapsulates my thoughts perfectly on the subject. Yes!