Some thoughts on the closet as self-imposed exile

[tacit]

Go to any meeting or join any mailing list on alternative subcultures, especially sexual subcultures, and one of the most common topics of conversation you'll see again and again is the conversation about "coming out." Do your parents know that you're gay? Do you share the fact that you're polyamorous with your co-workers? Do your fellow game

Comments

[dayo]

i'm in the same boat. The way I look at it, I wouldn't discuss my non-poly love life with my parents, there's absolutely no reason to discuss the poly stuff as well. It would cause tension (where tension already exists completely unrelated to relationship stuff) in that particular relationship. I get being out and especially wanting a support structure of those who get the "real" me.. but that doesn't need to be everyone I communicate with. Sort of the out at work dilema. I don't parade - oh my gosh I'm sleeping with two men, just as my co worker doesn't say oh my gosh I'm sleeping with one. It just isn't relevant to the business world. On the other hand, I can understand why it could make someone i'm involved in uncomfortable if they have to pull back from their usual level of "outness".

Do I think people *should* be able to share these things without negative ramifications? Absolutely. Would more openness potentially help further societal mores in such a way that it came about sooner? Possibly. Are there very real consequences of doing so to my financial stability and further career engagement? 100% certainty.

[skitten]

don't get me wrong... my parents are very sweet & we have a good relationship :).... but they don't want to (probably) & don't need to exactly know the details of my sex life ;)
they actually met one of my lovers & I told them he was a good friend... they thought he & his SO were a sweet couple ;)

[dayo]

That's awesome. When the time comes for my p's to meet my SO he'll be introduced as a friend or date...but I won't tell them he's also dating x. I guess my very long winded point was that I agreed that there are a lot of people that simply don't need to know these details :)

[joreth]

I think there's a difference between "the subject just didn't come up with the guy who bags my groceries" and "I'm not telling ANYONE ANYTHING EVER!"

For instance, tacit, his other sweetie and I all had to go down in person to the cell phone place to add me to their family cell plan. Now, it's not really necessary to explain who I am simply to add another name to a cell plan. But the sales girl made an assumption and then got confused. She says she needs the wife to sign and hands it to his Other. She said she wasn't his wife. Then the girl looked at me and asked if I was. I said no. We were very polite and just answered her questions without adding extraneous details. Then she got confused and said "oh, but I thought ... nevermind". So tacit says "yes, you thought exactly right" and me and his other both smiled. That was it ... no explanation "oh, you see, I'm dating both of them and last night I had hot kinky sex with her while tonight I plan to have hot kinky sex with her". Just an honest, open acknowledgement, nothing more and nothing less. They could have "explained" me as a "friend" or "roomate" or "sister" or any number of things. Instead, we chose to be "out", giving only the details that were necessary and appropriate.

This is, I think, what he means by being out in all areas ... which is not to be confused with carrying a bullhorn and announcing it to everyone we pass. It's brought up when appropriate with no more sense of discretion than a standard monogamous relationship. Holding hands with two of his sweeties while making googly eyes at a third while walking down the boardwalk at the beach is totally normal ... the way a monogamous person holding hands with his sweetie walking down the boardwalk at the beach is totally normal. He doesn't stop everyone he passes and says "by the way, just wanted you to know that I'm dating all 3 of these women!" But it's there for the world to see.

I have a polydragon bumper sticker, I have a heart/infinity necklace, I keep pictures of my sweeties in my wallet, I discuss my social life with those friends and acquaintences who care to hear about my social life (*note I said "social" not "sex" life - that includes talking about my boyfriends and partners), I tell my parents who I'm dating, I flirt with my coworkers in one breath while talking about my boyfriends in the next (flirting in my workplace is not only appropriate but expected).

I treat my romantic life as though I have the right to have my romantic life the way it is and I expect to be treated as though I have that right. That means talking about it when I want to talk about it and not talking about it when I don't want to talk about it. If someone asks me a question, they'll get the honest answer, no matter who they are or what I think about how they'll respond. I do not change my answers or attitude depending upon who I talk to, nor do I worry about anyone "finding out". If my mother doesn't want to know who I'm fucking, she won't ask. But she does ask if I'm "seeing anyone" and I tell her everyone I'm "seeing". She asks if any of them are getting "serious" and I tell her which ones. I introduce her to my partners AS PARTNERS when I have the opportunity, mainly because I don't want to *not* hold their hand and kiss them and snuggle with them just because my mother might not "get" the poly thing. If she can't accept my partners as a valuable part of my life, she can make herself a less important and less visable part of mine.

And my attitude about this has actually helped many of my coworkers feel more comfortable about their own sexuality, relationships and personal insecurities (not necessarily sex-related), even the monogamous ones!

[debxena]

I treat my romantic life as though I have the right to have my romantic life the way it is and I expect to be treated as though I have that right. That means talking about it when I want to talk about it and not talking about it when I don't want to talk about it.

That's absolutely it. I really like the way you phrased this :)

*blink*

[klrmn]

did you just identify as poly?

the curious want to know =)

hi tacit, you and i haven't met (yet), but dayo and i have been friends since college. the world gets smaller every day =).

Re: *blink*

[dayo]

*lol* I thought you knew? I don't generally post about it on my lj, but I've outed to H&S and a couple other friends, mostly online. Given I'm typing this from Tacit's couch the answer to that question would be a resounding yes:)

Re: *blink*

[klrmn]

well, you dating tacit does not *necessarily* mean you consider yourself poly, just that you're willing to date someone who is.

in any case, i'm glad you're happy =)