Some thoughts on the closet as self-imposed exile

[tacit]

Go to any meeting or join any mailing list on alternative subcultures, especially sexual subcultures, and one of the most common topics of conversation you'll see again and again is the conversation about "coming out." Do your parents know that you're gay? Do you share the fact that you're polyamorous with your co-workers? Do your fellow game

Comments

[joreth]

*sigh*

One of these days I'll actually get my own thoughts out in a clear and elegant manner before you usurp them with your more clear and more elegant writing.

Thank you for once again saying what's in my head.

[dawnd]

Thanks for this. Good writing, good insights, as usual.

How do you think it's best to proceed in cases where the loss is very real and very possible? Say a relative has *actually threatened* to take custody of your child, and you know they have the power to do it? I'm generally in favor of being as out as possible. And at the same time, I'm acutely aware of the anxiety that can bring (I've literally been unable to sleep some nights--not many, fortunately--due to our media work and the potential ramifications for our daughter). How do we balance real vs. perceived danger? How do we balance our own need for transparency against our children's or other dependents' need for safety and stability? It's important, as you say, to judge *all* of the costs--and some of those costs aren't to you, and might not be yours to choose"Secrecy" is usually bad. "Transparency" is often good. But somewhere between the two is a grey area of "confidentiality," "circumspection," and "not causing unnecessary harm." I think that's the realm that most

[tiggerypum]

Hmm, it's pretty broad to say that 'secrecy' is usually bad and 'transparency' is often good. I mean... some things there are times and places for. I didn't and still don't give my parents a lot of details about my relationships, monogamous or not - as a general rule. In that case it is _my_ life, and my relationship with my folks for the most part is separate from who I am sleeping with or not. Not my boss's business either - just like most of the drama of being a parent is not something he and I talk about. We communicate with the net, and every once and a while I've shared a pic of my kids or mentioned something, but 98% of the time we talk about work projects. We talk kids a bit more lately, as he just had a baby some months ago, but still not that much

[dawnd]

Nope, gonna stand by this. "Secrecy" is usually bad, IMO. That's the state that tacit describes above. However, *I* distinguished that from ... a grey area of "confidentiality," "circumspection," and "not causing unnecessary harm." . I think that's what you're describing here. There's a different between shoving something down someone's throat, and keeping it *secret*. "Secrecy" is more than just not mentioning something, to me. It's the state where there are *consequences* for mentioning something to someone "outside."

[tacit]

Hmm, it's pretty broad to say that 'secrecy' is usually bad and 'transparency' is often good. I mean... some things there are times and places for. I didn't and still don't give my parents a lot of details about my relationships, monogamous or not - as a general rule.

I think there's a difference between "secrecy" and "circumspection."

Not advertising the details of your sexual life to all and sundry is not necessarily the same thing as "secrecy." I do not introduce myself to my local neighborhood McDonald's cashier by saying "Hi, I'm Franklin, and I'm kinky and poly! I'd like a nine-piece chicken nuggets and a large fry, please."

Circumspection is keeping the details of your life were they're relevant. Secrecy is actively, deliberately, and intentionally concealing the truth about who you are from the people around you--and yeah, I think that's usually bad.

While I like the argument 'the more people know, in theory, the more tolerant they will be' but I am not 100% convinced. We still have folks shunning if not killing each other

[skitten]

hmmm.. I don't know how my parents wil react but dad used the word "slut" in reference t my livejournal interest list... I don't feel the need to educate him... nor do I feel the need to tell my parents about being poly....
I'm not being secretive- most of my friends know... but I'm not sure it's my parents' business....

[dayo]

i'm in the same boat. The way I look at it, I wouldn't discuss my non-poly love life with my parents, there's absolutely no reason to discuss the poly stuff as well. It would cause tension (where tension already exists completely unrelated to relationship stuff) in that particular relationship. I get being out and especially wanting a support structure of those who get the "real" me.. but that doesn't need to be everyone I communicate with. Sort of the out at work dilema. I don't parade - oh my gosh I'm sleeping with two men, just as my co worker doesn't say oh my gosh I'm sleeping with one. It just isn't relevant to the business world. On the other hand, I can understand why it could make someone i'm involved in uncomfortable if they have to pull back from their usual level of "outness

[skitten]

don't get me wrong... my parents are very sweet & we have a good relationship :).... but they don't want to (probably) & don't need to exactly know the details of my sex life ;)
they actually met one of my lovers & I told them he was a good friend... they thought he & his SO were a sweet couple ;)

[dayo]

That's awesome. When the time comes for my p's to meet my SO he'll be introduced as a friend or date...but I won't tell them he's also dating x. I guess my very long winded point was that I agreed that there are a lot of people that simply don't need to know these details :)

[tacit]

Haven't posted this on my site--I just kinda wrote it stream-of-consciousness while I was waiting for a bigass file to upload to my server at work. :)

[violet_tigress1]

*peeking out of my burrow* It's warm & cozy in here though! Heh
Don't you think that there's also "Not closeted, I just don't share everything with everyone in my life.."

[tacit]

Don't you think that there's also "Not closeted, I just don't share everything with everyone in my life.."

Indeed. There is a continuum between "obsessive secrecy" and "complete transparency." I definitely feel that there are advantages to being as far as possible toward the "transparency" end, though how possible that is depends on a lot of different things.