Dark Daze
August is a bad month. Not shabby, not meh. August = Bad. If you mean something to me, chances are you will die in August, or be given your terminal due date in August. Not saying YOU will die...just saying odds are, if I care for you, it will happen here. One Grandma, meant more to me than anyone else on this earth died four years ago the 31 of this month. A lil girl who meant the world to me, despite being 8k away passing away from a curable disease, if caught on time. A friend of the family's caught the same illness and nearlydied on the 3, and I never even knew until three days after he got released from the hospital. My Uncle has terminal cancer, this month looks bleak for his survival.
Dark Days.
Friendships gone awry, tension at work for those who can not accept change because it means progress. Working becomes a scary thing for them when it takes them out of their hamster wheel of a world. I am hated for stepping on toes, if it is broke why fix it, heaven forbid we actually use the grant to get results....
A boy not yet a man, that is what I am raising, a boy who knows his dad is going to die, who lives with me so that he can learn to be a man, and not see his father wither away.... His struggle not unlike my own at his age, doesn't make it any easier to impart that the chip on his shoulder, the anger in his heart is not the way it should be.
Money, not an issue. This is a new experience indeed. never had a paycheck sitting at a office splace where I said, its alright if I dont go pick it up this week. Debts being repaid, both to and by me. Not much else irks me than to be indebted to another. Not my cup of tea.
Housing? For the first time in my life I have had a constant roof over my head, without having to rely on others, and it feels great.
Family,,,I have one of those somewhere. It is weird listening to others when they talk about that. The people I call family are either far away, or only meet the definition partially. My brother's dad, my former stepfather, my cousin through a marriage disolved. Hearing the issues some people have about having their mother too embroiled in their lives is rather amusing to me, who hasnt had my mom getting into my business since I was 13.
Work? I enjoy what I do, I mean enjoy...I rarely regret getting up for work. I see change, social and physical because of my actions. I see our future as a nation, as a community. I do not enjoy the internal politics, however that is the nature of humanity. You bring in more than one person, things get political. Different aims, different dreams, different natures.
Love.. doesn't exist
Relationships. See Love before proceeding. Now that you have acquainted with the above term, relationships in terms of friendship are going..meh. I have a close friend, one of a small group I deem such, is having a baby. He is scared, and I don't blame him. I mean, he is 24 and lives with his parents still, he doesn't want to stay at this job he is at and his girlfriend treats him like shit. I am there for him to whatever extent he needs, short of delivering the baby (which I have training on doing..so I can't rule that out complete.) Have another old friend getting married. Now this mate goes back to the time when I had to come to a foreign territory, no friends, no roots here, and no direction. I found him doing the same and we connected. We were such good friends that my mom wouldnt notice him sleeping over, and prepared meals with him in mind, his mom the same. His dad would try to beat me in his drunken stupor so I suppose that speaks to how often we hung out. recently, (read 7 months) he found god. Or thinks he did. Most people see the church he has become engrained in as a cult. I went to a couple events, and a sermon, and frankly, I was scared. I do not do so easy. This man makes me think David Koresh big time. Well one of the rules of the church is if you want date a member of the church, you belong to the church six months, and then you may date with the blessing of the pastor. Well.... He is now marrying this girl he fell for about a year ago, and in my opinion, the reason he stuck around. I mean..he was questioning the way things were done...and now he is following in their footsteps....anyone who does not believe in brainwashing, meet my friend,,,who went from free spirit to unwaivering minion. I have been invited to the wedding, and I want to go, to show him that his old life supports him, but at the same time, the church demanded he cut ties to his mother, because she was not of the church's standards...how long till he decides I will not be converted to that brand of christianity, and leave his past completely. As to Friendships on here,,,they go up and down...there are a good portion of acquaintances, where hellos and good wishes are exchanged, but beyond that go little further..then there are those who I see as the inner circle. There are like four I hold to this circle, and of that, only one I talk to daily. There is tension there, and understandably so, but sometimes....sometimes it would nice to just see all the awkwardness and shared past that built that wall of tensity just fall. I give my friends what I can not give my family. True open thoughts...truth, no holds barred...I see friendship as a support, and sometimes, what people fail to realize, is that means giving a reality check, a "hey, you are fucking up." This does not mean try to intervene, or make decisions...it does mean do not sugarcoat things, or work around it because someone is having a bad day. Also on the note of friendship, I do not ask or do anything I do not ask of myself. So if you consider yourself a friend, and you see me doing something stupid, slap me and say wake the fuck up. If friendships crumble over truly being there for your buds...was it truly friendship, or just mutual fending for yourself.
Goals.. I am thinking of returning to school, I have started seven degrees, completed none. I have enough credits, that if I had gone down one path, I would be 24 shy of a Masters. I am thinking of moving once my c0ntract ends. There is so much to this world that still lies hidden to my eyes. Maybe I will prove myself wrong on some of the above, and find it out there. Finding myself is another goal I have slated for myself. I have an ethos that I hold to strictly, it is straightforward and leaves little to question, however, it doesnt define me. It shows what I am about, not who I am. I lost touch with that individual over a decade ago...here's to finding it again. Advancing my ideas is also on the table. I have designed a new computer tower that has some people from symantec (the company that brought you such products as Norton Anti-Virus) looking at helping me iron out the few unanswered questions. I also have a youth program that fills a much needed niche in this community. It has been nurtured by the agency that now holds my contract. However, implementing said program will keep me to this area.. which would conflict with another goal. I want to regain my health. I eat alright, some say I have too much subway, but what the hell, it is more veggies and real meat than you get in the mcdonalds' or prepackaged sandwiches. I have an immediate goal however, and that is to try and find a reason to smile each and every morning my body decides to let me see.
These are the words of the Obscure
Dark Days.
Friendships gone awry, tension at work for those who can not accept change because it means progress. Working becomes a scary thing for them when it takes them out of their hamster wheel of a world. I am hated for stepping on toes, if it is broke why fix it, heaven forbid we actually use the grant to get results....
A boy not yet a man, that is what I am raising, a boy who knows his dad is going to die, who lives with me so that he can learn to be a man, and not see his father wither away.... His struggle not unlike my own at his age, doesn't make it any easier to impart that the chip on his shoulder, the anger in his heart is not the way it should be.
Money, not an issue. This is a new experience indeed. never had a paycheck sitting at a office splace where I said, its alright if I dont go pick it up this week. Debts being repaid, both to and by me. Not much else irks me than to be indebted to another. Not my cup of tea.
Housing? For the first time in my life I have had a constant roof over my head, without having to rely on others, and it feels great.
Family,,,I have one of those somewhere. It is weird listening to others when they talk about that. The people I call family are either far away, or only meet the definition partially. My brother's dad, my former stepfather, my cousin through a marriage disolved. Hearing the issues some people have about having their mother too embroiled in their lives is rather amusing to me, who hasnt had my mom getting into my business since I was 13.
Work? I enjoy what I do, I mean enjoy...I rarely regret getting up for work. I see change, social and physical because of my actions. I see our future as a nation, as a community. I do not enjoy the internal politics, however that is the nature of humanity. You bring in more than one person, things get political. Different aims, different dreams, different natures.
Love.. doesn't exist
Relationships. See Love before proceeding. Now that you have acquainted with the above term, relationships in terms of friendship are going..meh. I have a close friend, one of a small group I deem such, is having a baby. He is scared, and I don't blame him. I mean, he is 24 and lives with his parents still, he doesn't want to stay at this job he is at and his girlfriend treats him like shit. I am there for him to whatever extent he needs, short of delivering the baby (which I have training on doing..so I can't rule that out complete.) Have another old friend getting married. Now this mate goes back to the time when I had to come to a foreign territory, no friends, no roots here, and no direction. I found him doing the same and we connected. We were such good friends that my mom wouldnt notice him sleeping over, and prepared meals with him in mind, his mom the same. His dad would try to beat me in his drunken stupor so I suppose that speaks to how often we hung out. recently, (read 7 months) he found god. Or thinks he did. Most people see the church he has become engrained in as a cult. I went to a couple events, and a sermon, and frankly, I was scared. I do not do so easy. This man makes me think David Koresh big time. Well one of the rules of the church is if you want date a member of the church, you belong to the church six months, and then you may date with the blessing of the pastor. Well.... He is now marrying this girl he fell for about a year ago, and in my opinion, the reason he stuck around. I mean..he was questioning the way things were done...and now he is following in their footsteps....anyone who does not believe in brainwashing, meet my friend,,,who went from free spirit to unwaivering minion. I have been invited to the wedding, and I want to go, to show him that his old life supports him, but at the same time, the church demanded he cut ties to his mother, because she was not of the church's standards...how long till he decides I will not be converted to that brand of christianity, and leave his past completely. As to Friendships on here,,,they go up and down...there are a good portion of acquaintances, where hellos and good wishes are exchanged, but beyond that go little further..then there are those who I see as the inner circle. There are like four I hold to this circle, and of that, only one I talk to daily. There is tension there, and understandably so, but sometimes....sometimes it would nice to just see all the awkwardness and shared past that built that wall of tensity just fall. I give my friends what I can not give my family. True open thoughts...truth, no holds barred...I see friendship as a support, and sometimes, what people fail to realize, is that means giving a reality check, a "hey, you are fucking up." This does not mean try to intervene, or make decisions...it does mean do not sugarcoat things, or work around it because someone is having a bad day. Also on the note of friendship, I do not ask or do anything I do not ask of myself. So if you consider yourself a friend, and you see me doing something stupid, slap me and say wake the fuck up. If friendships crumble over truly being there for your buds...was it truly friendship, or just mutual fending for yourself.
Goals.. I am thinking of returning to school, I have started seven degrees, completed none. I have enough credits, that if I had gone down one path, I would be 24 shy of a Masters. I am thinking of moving once my c0ntract ends. There is so much to this world that still lies hidden to my eyes. Maybe I will prove myself wrong on some of the above, and find it out there. Finding myself is another goal I have slated for myself. I have an ethos that I hold to strictly, it is straightforward and leaves little to question, however, it doesnt define me. It shows what I am about, not who I am. I lost touch with that individual over a decade ago...here's to finding it again. Advancing my ideas is also on the table. I have designed a new computer tower that has some people from symantec (the company that brought you such products as Norton Anti-Virus) looking at helping me iron out the few unanswered questions. I also have a youth program that fills a much needed niche in this community. It has been nurtured by the agency that now holds my contract. However, implementing said program will keep me to this area.. which would conflict with another goal. I want to regain my health. I eat alright, some say I have too much subway, but what the hell, it is more veggies and real meat than you get in the mcdonalds' or prepackaged sandwiches. I have an immediate goal however, and that is to try and find a reason to smile each and every morning my body decides to let me see.
These are the words of the Obscure