joke time.
this is from Bridget Jones (my brother's fiance)
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen
her
> > excitement -- not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had
> > found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed
> > mother-of-the-bride ever! A week later, Jennifer was horrified to
> > learn that her father's n! ew young wife had bought the exact same
> > dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused.
Absolutely
> > not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,"
> > she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never
mind
>
> > sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all,
> > it's your special day." A few days later, they went shopping and did
find
> > another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked
her
> > mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really
don't have
> > another occasion where you could wear it."
Her mother just smiled and
> > replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal
dinner the night before the wedding!"
and here are some from Reader's Digest...
A man is recovering from minor surgery when his nurse comes in to check on him.
"How are you feeling?" she asks.
"I'm okay," he says, "but I didn't like the four-letter word the doctor used during surgery."
"What did he say?" the nurse asks.
"Oops."
Submitted by Robert Rea
Our Gen-X daughter, Cristie, made my husband a Father's Day card entitled "Things My Dad Would Never Say." Such as:
Submitted by Deanna Schneider
Working at the post office, I'm used to dealing with a moody public. So when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice, "What's the trouble?"
"I went out this morning," she began, "and when I came home I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package but no one was home. My husband was in all morning. He never heard a thing!"
After apologizing, I got her parcel.
"Oh, good," she gushed. "We've been waiting for this for ages."
"What is it?" I asked.
"My husband's new hearing aid."
Submitted by Simon Lindley
As he was approaching the teller's window at his bank, a man tripped and careened forward. Fortunately, he caught himself before he fell.
"Apparently, sir," the teller said, "you came here to get your balance."
Submitted by Jill Marie Bonnier
I wanted to store some decorations in the garage, but there wasn't much empty space. So I asked my son to make some room. Being a typical teen, he had to be asked a few times. Eventually, he dragged himself from the couch to the garage, but a few minutes later, he was back.
"I thought I asked you to make some room in the garage," I said.
"I did," he replied. "I moved your car into the driveway."
Submitted by Mary Scott
I served with a guy who did a strange thing: He bounced an imaginary basketball wherever he went. Eventually, a psychiatrist labeled him unfit for duty, which led to a medical discharge. After the proceedings, he addressed the officer in charge.
"Sir, may I approach?"
With permission granted, he went through the motion of putting something on the officer's desk.
"What is this?" asked the officer.
"My basketball. I don't need it anymore."
Submitted by Abby Kieser
A couple of friends were flying to Reno for a long weekend. An hour into the trip, the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "The pilot has just informed me that we've lost an engine. There's no need for alarm, though. We have three engines left, and we'll just be an hour late."
About another hour into the flight she made another announcement. "We've lost another engine. Don't worry. We still have two more, but we'll be another hour late."
One guy turned to his friend and said, "Man, if we lose the other two engines, we'll be up here all day."
Submitted by Chris Lochte
My mother, who is 93, lives simply but comfortably in an assisted-living home. Even though she has ample savings, she is always worried about the state of her finances.
My brother-in-law tried to ease her mind by telling her, "I've calculated that, given your expenses, you have enough money for at least the next 16 years."
"That's fine," Mom replied, "but how will I manage after that?"
Submitted by Mary Scott
While leading activities for seniors at a nursing home, I asked my group to complete well-known phrases. For example, I would prompt them with, "Better safe ..." to which they would respond, "than sorry."
The game proceeded as expected until I got to the phrase "Make love, not war." I had barely gotten out the first two words when a 90-year-old woman shouted from the back, "While you can!"
Submitted by Jane Kiehl