Fic: Seize the Bat
Title: Seize the Bat
Fandom: DC
Characters/Pairings: Clark/Bruce, Lois
Genre: humor/fluff
Rating: PG
Word Count: 1500
Summary: Clark finds out something new about Bruce. Lois encourages him to seize the day.
Clark is sitting in Lois’s apartment, the two of them comparing notes and typing up their shared byline in time for the morning edition, when it happens.
“…and in celebrity news, Bruce Wayne was seen in downtown Gotham last evening with an international supermodel…”
Clark perks up slightly, eyes shifting away from Lois’s grammatically unsound notes to the small TV in the corner, the evening news playing softly in the background.
“…not just any model: Italian supermodel, Giovanni Brambani…”
Clark is about ninety-five percent sure that “Giovanni” is a man’s name. Two seconds later, he is one hundred percent sure when a clip is shown of Bruce Wayne and the very male Giovanni walking down a street together in Gotham. The model’s hips sway enticingly and Bruce swings an arm around them, playfully cupping the Italian’s ass and-
“Clark, how many f’s in ‘guffawed’?” Lois asks.
“Two,” Clark says, tearing his eyes away from the brain-melting image of Bruce Wayne strolling hand-in-ass with a tall, dark, and undeniably handsome man.
“And do you have the notes from the Island Terrace meeting? Clark? Clark!”
“Huh? Oh, sure, Lois, just…hold on a sec. Lemme find them.”
“Are you okay? Your face is as red as your cape.”
“I’m fine, I just…here they are!” Clark waves his notes in front of her face, trying to hide his own behind them.
“You don’t have a fever, do you?” she asks, reaching for his forehead. “You haven’t had a run-in with Kryptonite recently, have you?”
“I’m fine, Lois, really,” he says, pulling out of her grasp.
“Well then, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” he says. “Let’s just get back to work, okay?”
“Okay…” she says, which in Lingua Lois means: I’m not about to let this go anytime soon, Smallville.
They work in silence for a few minutes before Clark thinks it safe enough to ask casually: “So did you hear that news story about Bruce?”
“Which one? He’s in the paper every other-”
“The one with the supermodel.”
“Greta? Yeah, she’s a piece of work. Cat’s been going on and on about it all week and-”
“No, the male supermodel.”
“Ah,” she says knowingly, as if there’s something to know. “I see where this is going.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Clark says, fidgeting with his glasses.
“Sure you don’t, Smallville.”
“I don’t.”
“So you said.”
“So I did!”
“Uh huh.”
Clark glares at her over the tops of his glasses. “I’m not upset, if that’s what you’re thinking. He’s got a right to date whomever he wants to date.”
“Of course he does.”
“It’s just…Lois, did you know that he likes men?”
“I’ve had my suspicions,” Lois says sagely, leaning back in her computer chair, twirling a pen between her fingers. “Like when he shows up at the Planet, he always seems to pay special attention to a certain male employee.”
“Who?” Clark asks blankly, praying her answer isn’t “Steve Lombard”.
“You, of course!” Lois says, astonished. “You honestly haven’t noticed?”
“What? That’s-no, no, Lois. He doesn’t like me that way. That’s…ridiculous.”
“He’s always hanging around your desk,” Lois continues.
“That’s because we have things to discuss. You know, League things. Crime-fighting things.”
“Sure it is.”
“Oh, don’t start that again. He’s not interested in me.”
“But you’re interested in him.”
“I….” He feels his face begin to redden again. “The way I feel about him doesn’t matter. He doesn’t like men-”
Lois cuts him off with a raised eyebrow. “A certain Giovanni Brambani, international supermodel from Italia, would like to differ.”
“That was just for show,” Clark retorts, certainty settling in his stomach, cold and heavy and oddly comforting. “That was just Brucie playing for the cameras. I’ve known Bruce for years, the real Bruce, and he’s as straight as they come.”
“He’s told you he’s straight?”
“Well, no, but…”
“So why don’t you just go and ask him?”
“Because he’s Bruce,” Clark answers, glancing at his watch. Ten-thirty. Bruce will be on patrol by now. Clark can just imagine the lunacy of swooping down from the sky and cornering Batman in a dark alleyway to ask him if he’s bisexual.
“Well, you’ll never know until you ask.”
Clark sighs. “You sound like my ma when you say things like that.”
Lois straightens in her chair. “I should hope so. Mrs. Kent has told me many times that the best way to get you to do something is to shout platitudes at you until you beg for mercy. So,” she continues, standing and walking towards the door, “you can either continue to pine for his affections in secret misery forever, or you can go and get him. Carpe Diem. Seize the Bat. Eye of the Tiger and that sort of thing.” She swings the door open and motions for him to go.
Clark sighs again, but gets up and walks towards the door. “You know this is probably going to be the stupidest thing I’ve ever done.”
“I happen to keep a written journal of your stupid moves, Smallville,” Lois replies, “and this doesn’t even come close to the time you told Perry that ‘there are other fish in the sea’ when his wife divorced him.”
“I’m surprised he didn’t fire me.”
“You and me both.”
“Wait. You keep a written journal-?”
“See you when you get back, Smallville!” Lois shouts, shoving him out of her apartment. As he walks down the hall toward the elevator, he hears her call after him: “The early bird gets the worm! Don’t quit while you’re ahead! If at first you don’t succeed-!”
***
Batman is easy enough to find. Perched upon a poorly maintained cathedral turret, his head tilts slightly in silent greeting when Superman alights beside him, hovering anxiously.
“How’s the night been so far?” Superman asks after several minutes of silence.
“Not bad,” Batman grunts.
“So…”
“Something on your mind, Clark?”
“Sort of.” Clark chuckles, trying to sound nonchalant, but the laugh is far too high and strained and forced. “I saw a news report about you tonight.”
“Hrrn.”
“You and that Giovanni guy, huh?”
“Hrrn.”
“That was an act, right? I mean, you’re not really…you like girls, don’t you?”
Batman turns to look at Superman for the first time since he arrived.
“I go both ways,” Bruce says, using in the same bored, factual tone of voice in which most people say things like Today is Monday and I have four kids.
I go both ways. Just like that. I go both ways.
“Oh,” says Clark, feeling stupid and relieved, but yes, mostly stupid. Another one for the journal, Lois, he thinks, giddy with newfound hope.
“Why?” Bruce asks suddenly, “You don’t have a problem with that, do you?”
“What? No! No, no, no, I don’t have a…I don’t have a problem with you dating guys, that’s perfectly, that’s…that’s fine! That’s just fine! Great! Awesome!” Stop talking, Clark scolds himself mentally, you sound insane. But the words keep coming out, increasingly idiotic syllables pouring out of his mouth.
“I happen to like guys, too, you know. I have my whole life. Well, ever since puberty. And it’s just…fine. Nothing wrong with it.”
“Hrrn,” Batman says, and Clark has the feeling he’s stopped listening a while ago. Perhaps he was never listening in the first place.
“Well,” Clark says, “glad we got that cleared up. I’ll…I’ll let you get back to work. See you later.”
“Hrrn.”
Clark lifts off into the air, but then stops, hovering a few yards above Bruce’s cowled head. “You know,” he calls down, embracing a sudden and unstoppable urge. A terrifyingly stupid urge. Seize the Bat. “You know, the next time you want to go around town, acting like Brucie, you don’t have to ask some stranger to go along with you. You could always ask me. I wouldn’t mind pretending to be your…you know. For a night.”
Bruce is silent and then: “Are you asking me out on a date?”
Clark is glad Bruce can’t see his face. “Actually, I think I’m asking you to ask me out on a date. If that makes sense.”
“It doesn’t.”
“Oh,” Clark says, trying not to sound completely deflated. “Right, well, I’ll see you around-”
“How about Friday night?”
Clark can hardly believe his ears and thinks that maybe his super-hearing has accidently picked up an unrelated conversation ten miles away. “W-what?”
“There’s a new Chinese place on the northside that I’ve been meaning to check out. You like Chinese, right?”
“Yeah, I do. I love it.”
“All right. It’s a date. See you Friday.”
“See you Friday,” Clark echoes and zooms away before Bruce can change his mind. He waits until he is well beyond hearing range before whooping for joy.
A few minutes later, Clark arrives back at Lois’s apartment, countless flies wedged in his teeth from smiling the entire flight back.