Vent Post: SAHM
I know the judgment goes both ways, as a friend of mine not-so-long ago wrote an entry about her frustrations at being told that she could really be a SAHM if she just learned to be "more responsible" (or something equally as condescending).
Anyway, a separate friend posted on Facebook that it really bothers her when SAHMs complain about staying at home, because they don't "appreciate the blessing," or how "lucky" they are. Not surprisingly, there were at least four or five other people weighing in (all, SAHMs themselves) basically agreeing and asserting that unhappy SAHMs just need to stop complaining.
This really gets to me. Yes, I understand there are scores of women out there who have to work due to circumstances beyond their control; that we've gone from a society that needs two paychecks to survive to four or more, and it has nothing to do with people not controlling their spending or making poor financial decisions but the terrible economy, job market, and ever-increasing cost of basic living. I understand that, as a result of this, fewer women are staying at home with their children.
I also know a lot of this message is steeped in cultural mythos: women are the primary nurturers and it should be their responsibility to stay at home. So I'd be remiss if I didn't at least acknowledge another sizable chunk of women absent from the "traditional" role of SAHMs are gone because of the rise of single parenthood. The other side of that coin is because men are being empowered to stay at home, or are less successful in securing long-term employment pursuits right now.
So, I get it. I get that the role is sacred and regardless of what might be the explanation for their desire to do so or why they can't, many women are no longer SAHMs, even though they would like to be. And, of course, if you don't pretend to be deliriously happy every second of every day, you are not only taking your spawnlings for granted, you're disrespecting all the women not fortunate enough to be in your situation.
How can I possible articulate all the things that are wrong with this approach?
The first, and most obvious, is that staying at home with your kids is not only a lifestyle, it's a job. I know a study was done a few years back attempting to affix a paycheck value to the work that such women do, and it was something like $40,000 per year? And even when you're in your dream job, there are occasionally things that crop up which warrant some dissatisfaction on your part. Maybe your boss is being a jerk or they switched insurance providers or the coffee maker is always out of a decaf. I don't know, it's always something, and nobody thinks you're being ungrateful about being employed if you talk about why these issues upset you.
Second, could these individuals be steeped in more apparent privilege? Many of the comments fell back into the old bootstraps rhetoric. One poster shared her story of being a military wife away from most of her family and friends alone with a baby, but she got into Mommy and Me groups and found a nanny to help her not feel so overwhelmed. And the obvious implication? Because she faced so much adversity and made the choice to be happy and didn't complain, neither should any other mom. Because, "you know what you're getting into."
As a side note, I always REALLY REALLY hate it when people say, "I did XYZ, so you can too" like whatever struggle or action was so much more difficult for them than it could ever possibly be for you, even if they have no idea what your actual circumstances are. And, of course, the idea that you can know what you're getting into in any situation until you're ALREADY IN THE MIDDLE OF IT.
Anyway, I pointed out that as awesome as being SAHM is, not every woman is in that role by choice. Some are there due to economic necessity of realizing that it would cost them more to work outside the home. Some are there due to religious beliefs, economics be damned, and others are there because they have no job prospects for themselves, something that clearly hadn't occurred to any of the commenters as they opined, "Why would you want a STRANGER telling you all about your baby's milestones?" And in situations like those, where something other than choice is deciding where and to what extent a woman is involved, the so-called "resources" of Mommy and Me classes or a nanny might not exactly be available.
Regardless of whether they are there by cheerful choice or reluctance, their feelings are valid and should be expressed. Especially where postpartum comes into play, as so many women tend to experience to varying degrees accompanying childbirth. There's already so much stigma surrounding the condition you aren't really encouraged to talk about it, and you're taught to fear disclosing "negative" emotions related to your children lest they be taken away or something. You couple that with the general atmosphere which tries to stress we're all masters of our own emotional destiny, and is it any wonder then that the satisfaction of a SAHM is so polarizing?
I think that's really what gets to me, too. This assumption that if you complain at all, you obviously aren't content or appreciative. Which, in turn, implies that you should be content or appreciative about your involvement with your child not because it's what you want to do as a mom, but because it's your obligation as a reproducing female. Put very frankly, it's just another way to devalue women's feelings and shame them if they incongruous with the prevailing idea of what good motherhood actually is. Those feelings, especially about the loss of personhood, are valid and should be expressed, rather than spat on.
I love being at SAHM to Seph, but I'm here by necessity, rather than choice. Financially, we cannot afford for me to work outside the home right now because of the reality of our area and realistic job prospects. I've also deeply regretted feeling like I have no control or choice over my life. I understand part of that is being a parent anyway, but specifically staying at home has thrown me for a real loop. I guess up until I gave birth, I really thought circumstances would present that would let me work, at least part time. I've never gone more than a few weeks without an actual paying job since I was 15, so this has been an extremely difficult thing to go through. I like working, doing a job well, and having the sensation of accomplishment when I see the money I contribute. It makes me feel worthy as a partner, and no longer having those experiences has been very frustrating.
Like, going DAYS without speaking to another adult in-person, save for B. Or structuring important activities around a nap time. Or not even being able to take a bloody sick day when you have your wisdom teeth out! It's frustrating.
But when I experience that frustration and express it, it in no way comes from a place of ingratitude for the blessing that is Seph or my heavy involvement with her. It's frustration that comes from a sacrifice that was certainly the right one to make, but nevertheless carries implications that could last for a considerable time. It's a transition that's difficult, especially for someone such as myself who has struggled to carve out an identity, and one that we aren't encouraged to honor because everything, even emotional baggage that could be harmful to others if not expressed, comes second to keeping up the Stepford Wife illusion of everything being alive below the waste.
The bottom line is this: don't judge women. Don't make assumptions about them, their feelings, or their experience within the context of childrearing, pregnancy, labor, parenthood, or delivery. Don't seek to invalidate their experience when it in no way is an affront to yours. And never draw the conclusion that a communication of unhappiness is a sweeping inability to be thankful for privileges.