Parenting: H's Attitude
I just got back from the daycare. H's tantrums are now to the point that he's taking his shoes off and throwing them at the other kids. Today's issue seems to have been caused by singing "The Itsy Bitsy Spider." The director actually videotaped his outburst, which shows him sitting outside the circle, screaming his head off, and scratching his face
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I have to say that this would not cause the behavior problems that H is displaying. Even inconsistencies in his schedule and whatnot would not have this affect, either.
I mean, there's possibility that he's escalating the tantrums because it works in P's house to get him what he wants, but I would have to imagine he would probably only do them with her and not anywhere else, since they aren't getting the reaction he desires with anyone but P. And that is assuming they work with her. They may not.
But his responses seem to imply that there is something bigger going on. Why is he so frustrated? Because he clearly is VERY frustrated? Is he having a problem getting on with the other kids. Does it look like he's being left out of activities, not because of the teachers but because of the other kids? That can cause reactions like his at his age.
I don't think it's an issue of a parent failing, really. "Broken homes" don't generally cause these sorts of issues on their own. And how broken is it really? Like you said, it wasn't like he had to go from having a 2 parent household and then switch to two households. The life he's living is the life he's always known.
He's angry and frustrated, but I don't think it's because you guys are broken people.
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Despite their compliments of how well we communicate, I think it's inappropriate to ask me to comment on her parenting, in light of all those issues. That's why I gave an honest answer, but with plenty of disclaimers.
And, like you said, I don't think that alone accounts for his behavior. I don't think the terrible twos or trying threes alone account for his behavior. I think it's a lot of different things going on at once, and I'm completely out of ideas as to what to do.
P wants to blame the daycare, but this behavior is happening outside of the daycare. Last week, he threw a tantrum in Walmart so severe, he actually ended up kicking and hitting P. He had a similar reaction with us two or three weeks ago over eating his vegetables. He didn't kick, but he started screaming and throwing things, which I quickly put a stop to.
What's irritating me is that I think it's pretty obvious that everybody is overwhelmed. We absolutely cannot drag our feet on this because H is dangerously close to getting kicked out of the daycare, and that's not really something we can allow. I know we may have to end up pulling him out anyway due to finances, but I want him to stay as long as possible. I suspect if it weren't for B's family having such a long history with this place and there familiarity with the sweet side of H, we probably would have been asked to leave already.
And P is now trying to fight going to therapy because she's afraid that "H will make up stories about being abused" and "The therapist is going to blame me, and I'll just walk out."
I don't even have words for how ridiculous I think she's being. As I told my dad on the phone last night, I hope the therapist says it's my fault, because that's a quick fix. But to find out it's something else is terrifying because we may not have the power to immediately change that.
In my brutally honest opinion, I don't think she wants to talk about our history in front of her boyfriend. It's one thing to apologize to someone that you wronged; it's another thing to have to actually own up to wronging them in a somewhat public setting. I think the thought of the ladder terrifies her, because she'll likely bring her new boyfriend along, and I'm sure she's spun all kinds of lies about how B left her for me. Instead of the truth.
I know our history will be somewhat relevant, but as I told her on the phone, I don't exactly relish rehashing it, either. The episode of her and B hooking up over Thanksgiving has caused me a lot of pain and resentment over the years. But if talking about it is necessary to helping H over this hurdle, then I will put my humiliation aside and discuss it. This therapy thing isn't about us; it's about H, and she needs to get that through her head.
Still, I agree that it isn't a parental failing. I have seen P demonstrate incredibly selfish behavior lately which I think is contributing to (but not the cause of) H's bad behavior.
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