Personal Post: Big Girls Don't Cry/Mom Issues
Being back in Kansas City was fun, but I can also say I'm relieved to be home, for the most part. I also find myself amazed that two weeks was just not enough time to see everyone--I regret that I wasn't able to see Dionne or Meg, for example, nor was I able to go to Dave and Buster's. But what I did experience, I enjoyed, and most of the people I saw, I treasured.
Caroline threw me a lovely shower, but my mom made a scene when Caroline couldn't remember her name. It's worth pointing out that Caroline had, in all likelihood, sustained a concussion earlier that day trying to get my cake from Costco when she slipped and hit her head against the pavement. I was watching from the car and she hit her cranium so hard, it actually bounced back up. We didn't even let her drink any alcohol because we were worried that she could have a concussion, and right before she blanked on my mom's name, she introduced me as "Allison."
My mom berated Caroline, in front of everyone, and came across like a bratty nine-year-old. It was embarrassing, both as witness to the event and as the shower's honoree. I'm not even sure Caroline had ever known my mom's name, but to make an issue out of it the way my mother did was mortifying. I tried to intervene by joking about how my mother's real name, Okiya, doesn't give away any clues to her preferred name of Ty, but Mom still insisted on behaving like a child. To make matters worse, every time my dad spoke, Mom went out of her way to make snide comments.
Of course, my parents' divorce is old news. They've been over since 2002, and Mom remarried in 2004, so why is there still so much hostility? Because my mother has finally left her loser of a current husband, and she blames my father for her circumstances. As it is, my mom is living in a shoebox apartment and working a dead-end job at Sears, which she hates. And she insists everything is my dad's fault, because he left her after five children and 25 years of marriage. However, guess who has been paying her bills? Her apartment's rent payment, her utility payments, the whole nine yards? You guessed it--my dad.
So, in other words, my mom is trashing my father while accepting his charity. And in the true testament to her endless selfishness, making sure everyone at my shower knows what a dirt bag he is for leaving her. She wasn't really angry at Caroline; she was pissed at my dad and needed a convenient target, which Caroline provided her with. When I called and confronted her about her behavior the day after the shower, she actually said, "She pretended not to know my name, and that's rude. So I was rude right back."
I literally stared at the phone with my mouth agape. I saw the same kind of juvenile, petty behavior from Colleen, my former roommate, which I expected to a certain extent because her parents believed in coddling her rather than teaching her how to be an accountable, emotionally mature adult. But she was also 19, versus a 51-year-old grandmother. And Mom refused to entertain any notion that Caroline didn't know her name, even when I pointed out she had just called me Allison, which was pretty indicative that even if she hadn't sustained a concussion, she did, at the very least, have some jumbled thoughts because she'd just crashed on the pavement less than an hour earlier. She also insisted that Caroline "pretending not to know" her name made her so uncomfortable, she had to leave.
Which was complete and utter tripe. Mom arrived in a bad mood with her face splotchy, and after talking to my sister-in-law on Father's Day, it came out that before she'd even gotten to Caroline's house, Mom had gone off on my sister-in-law for something totally unrelated. That surprised me. I haven't always gotten along with Katie (the sister-in-law) but never to the point of actually yelling at her. Katie is, in general, judgmental, manipulative and takes the born-again Christian approach too far for me, but she's also one of the most timid and meek people I've ever encountered. I've never heard her say a cross word, let alone raise her voice, so I was immediately intrigued that anything she could do would possibly set off even someone like my mother, who looks for excuses to berate people. It turned out to be a ridiculous misunderstanding that caused my mom and Katie to be late to my shower--except that it's also worth noting that my mom had already shown up half an hour late to her prearranged meeting time with Katie, so what difference did another few minutes make?
It really opened my eyes to exactly who my mother is. I know that she's scared and afraid in her current circumstances, and that's been my main argument with myself when trying to decide if I'm going to tell her exactly how I feel about her behavior at my shower. But these are circumstances contrived by her and not my father. She would still be married to him if she'd agreed to go to counseling, for example, and take responsibility for her part of the marriage being broken, rather than telling Dad everything was his fault and therefore his job to fix. She would still be receiving alimony payments if she hadn't decided that she didn't want to work and would marry the first loser douchebag who came along.
It obviously goes way beyond my shower. But for two hours, my mother couldn't put her own baggage on hold to celebrate me, her daughter, or her forthcoming granddaughter. And that's incredibly sad. I really, honestly, earnestly believed that being pregnant with Sephie would change things, even to the point of spending nearly five hours with her last week. I ignored the swipes she took at Dad and her blatant revision of what took place when I was planning my wedding years ago, wanting desperately to connect over my daughter.
But the writing was on the wall then, just as clearly as it is now. For too many years, I've let things with her slide. I've given her chance after chance due to this sentimental notion that she's my mother and I don't have the right to give up on her. I've internalized her antics and her insanity into believing that I'm defective, and I'm seeing I am not the problem, she is. And it isn't just about me anymore--I have to start thinking about my daughter, and the kind of relationships I want her to have. I don't want her to believe that such a relationship is healthy, because it isn't. My mother is absolutely a toxic entity, and I cannot let her pollute my child.
My only question now is how to handle it. Obviously, I know I will not be inviting my mother to any more showers, ever. But do I, knowing she is incapable of accepting accountability for any of her faults, tell her how she acted inappropriately and the consequences of that decision? Do I call her up, or slip a handwritten note in the thank you card for the baby clothes that she bought against my asking her NOT to buy me anything?
I'm open to feedback on this.
Caroline threw me a lovely shower, but my mom made a scene when Caroline couldn't remember her name. It's worth pointing out that Caroline had, in all likelihood, sustained a concussion earlier that day trying to get my cake from Costco when she slipped and hit her head against the pavement. I was watching from the car and she hit her cranium so hard, it actually bounced back up. We didn't even let her drink any alcohol because we were worried that she could have a concussion, and right before she blanked on my mom's name, she introduced me as "Allison."
My mom berated Caroline, in front of everyone, and came across like a bratty nine-year-old. It was embarrassing, both as witness to the event and as the shower's honoree. I'm not even sure Caroline had ever known my mom's name, but to make an issue out of it the way my mother did was mortifying. I tried to intervene by joking about how my mother's real name, Okiya, doesn't give away any clues to her preferred name of Ty, but Mom still insisted on behaving like a child. To make matters worse, every time my dad spoke, Mom went out of her way to make snide comments.
Of course, my parents' divorce is old news. They've been over since 2002, and Mom remarried in 2004, so why is there still so much hostility? Because my mother has finally left her loser of a current husband, and she blames my father for her circumstances. As it is, my mom is living in a shoebox apartment and working a dead-end job at Sears, which she hates. And she insists everything is my dad's fault, because he left her after five children and 25 years of marriage. However, guess who has been paying her bills? Her apartment's rent payment, her utility payments, the whole nine yards? You guessed it--my dad.
So, in other words, my mom is trashing my father while accepting his charity. And in the true testament to her endless selfishness, making sure everyone at my shower knows what a dirt bag he is for leaving her. She wasn't really angry at Caroline; she was pissed at my dad and needed a convenient target, which Caroline provided her with. When I called and confronted her about her behavior the day after the shower, she actually said, "She pretended not to know my name, and that's rude. So I was rude right back."
I literally stared at the phone with my mouth agape. I saw the same kind of juvenile, petty behavior from Colleen, my former roommate, which I expected to a certain extent because her parents believed in coddling her rather than teaching her how to be an accountable, emotionally mature adult. But she was also 19, versus a 51-year-old grandmother. And Mom refused to entertain any notion that Caroline didn't know her name, even when I pointed out she had just called me Allison, which was pretty indicative that even if she hadn't sustained a concussion, she did, at the very least, have some jumbled thoughts because she'd just crashed on the pavement less than an hour earlier. She also insisted that Caroline "pretending not to know" her name made her so uncomfortable, she had to leave.
Which was complete and utter tripe. Mom arrived in a bad mood with her face splotchy, and after talking to my sister-in-law on Father's Day, it came out that before she'd even gotten to Caroline's house, Mom had gone off on my sister-in-law for something totally unrelated. That surprised me. I haven't always gotten along with Katie (the sister-in-law) but never to the point of actually yelling at her. Katie is, in general, judgmental, manipulative and takes the born-again Christian approach too far for me, but she's also one of the most timid and meek people I've ever encountered. I've never heard her say a cross word, let alone raise her voice, so I was immediately intrigued that anything she could do would possibly set off even someone like my mother, who looks for excuses to berate people. It turned out to be a ridiculous misunderstanding that caused my mom and Katie to be late to my shower--except that it's also worth noting that my mom had already shown up half an hour late to her prearranged meeting time with Katie, so what difference did another few minutes make?
It really opened my eyes to exactly who my mother is. I know that she's scared and afraid in her current circumstances, and that's been my main argument with myself when trying to decide if I'm going to tell her exactly how I feel about her behavior at my shower. But these are circumstances contrived by her and not my father. She would still be married to him if she'd agreed to go to counseling, for example, and take responsibility for her part of the marriage being broken, rather than telling Dad everything was his fault and therefore his job to fix. She would still be receiving alimony payments if she hadn't decided that she didn't want to work and would marry the first loser douchebag who came along.
It obviously goes way beyond my shower. But for two hours, my mother couldn't put her own baggage on hold to celebrate me, her daughter, or her forthcoming granddaughter. And that's incredibly sad. I really, honestly, earnestly believed that being pregnant with Sephie would change things, even to the point of spending nearly five hours with her last week. I ignored the swipes she took at Dad and her blatant revision of what took place when I was planning my wedding years ago, wanting desperately to connect over my daughter.
But the writing was on the wall then, just as clearly as it is now. For too many years, I've let things with her slide. I've given her chance after chance due to this sentimental notion that she's my mother and I don't have the right to give up on her. I've internalized her antics and her insanity into believing that I'm defective, and I'm seeing I am not the problem, she is. And it isn't just about me anymore--I have to start thinking about my daughter, and the kind of relationships I want her to have. I don't want her to believe that such a relationship is healthy, because it isn't. My mother is absolutely a toxic entity, and I cannot let her pollute my child.
My only question now is how to handle it. Obviously, I know I will not be inviting my mother to any more showers, ever. But do I, knowing she is incapable of accepting accountability for any of her faults, tell her how she acted inappropriately and the consequences of that decision? Do I call her up, or slip a handwritten note in the thank you card for the baby clothes that she bought against my asking her NOT to buy me anything?
I'm open to feedback on this.