Personal Post: Pregnancy Politics, Vince Binder, Parenting Conflict
All day long, I've been struggling with what to post. Since the reinvention of my journal, I've generally tried to keep my topics limited to avoid the long, rambling style that I previously engaged in. It feels somehow more organized to have one specific target in mind when I write these days.
Today, three issues touched me so deeply and evenly, I don't see how I could avoid addressing all of them.
The first would have to be the anti-choice legislation that passed in Oklahoma. I remember during my youth, arguing passionately for abortion. I always believed that if I found myself pregnant outside of an ideal situation, I would opt for the abortion, never think twice about, and be so removed I'd likely never even inform the father. I found out when I was pregnant with Felicity that it wasn't a reality for me. In the end, I had to terminate that pregnancy anyway, and doing so ultimately involved very little choice.
Still, more than a few people suggested that, because of my experience, I would never be able to call myself a pro-choicer again. They were wrong, but because I don't have quite the emotional energy to convey as brilliantly as my pro-choice and fellow pregnant activist, spacefem, who likewise wrote about this topic today.
...they're forcing ultrasounds. Also giving physicians the right to hide information from pregnant women, which sounds like a great idea right? If the doctor sees evidence of a disability or genetic disorder, they can keep that info to themselves so you have no reason to terminate. Doesn't matter if the baby won't survive two days outside the womb, you'd better carry to full term!
I totally don't get it. Being pregnant has made me so much more pro-choice, mostly because I've learned a lot more about fetal development. When the anti-choicers are waving around the tiny 2" plastic babies they don't tell you that it represents a fetus that's been around about three months. When I got pregnant, I didn't get to see a doctor until week 8. Didn't get to hear a heartbeat until week 13. Didn't get an ultrasound until week 20. Because there's just nothing to see. Nature takes a lot of time to think about this. There's a reason the early pregnancy miscarriage rate is up near 20%... making a human is important, and the process wants to make sure that, if something's going to take up precious time in a uterus it's the perfect egg. Right time, right chromosomes, right everything. Given the statistics, I really don't see how God is the hardcore pro-lifer we make Him out to be.
I couldn't have said it better myself.
Just as upsetting is finding out that a body has been found, believed to be the body of Vincent Binder.
I never knew Vince, but I've felt invested in locating him. I drafted an article for GlobalShift about using social networking sites to help locate missings person, a pitch I crafted to expressly help in the search for Vince. I wanted to help, and my only real power is writing. I don't have a large following there (yet) but perhaps some of my regular readers might have some additional information.
Of course, finding out that Vince may have been found, and brought home in the way we didn't want, makes me feel like my efforts were wasted. That I didn't try hard enough or get a draft out soon enough. He hasn't been missing a month yet, but I nevertheless feel as though I should have done more. Especially given the correspondence I had developed with several of his friends. I just wanted to bring him home.
Finally, just a little while after finding out about Vince, I had a dramatic argument with my mother regarding the birthing plan. She's not wild that I'm in no hurry to get a sonogram (at this point, having tested negative for every of the worrisome conditions that might require a sonogram, I don't see the point in rushing it, especially since I'll have to pay for it out-of-pocket) and doesn't agree with my reluctance to even talk about c-sections as anything other than an emergency.
Then she dropped the bomb that she's planning on being out here when the baby is born. Specifically, in the birthing room with me. I panicked. I never even assumed having my mother out here would be a discussion, because she just left her husband to start a new job while my father and my brothers are paying for her new living situation. Needless to say, I assumed that if she did come down, it would be in a coordinated effort with one of my brothers, neither of whom has expressed the least bit of interest in coming out to see the baby.
I really never imagined that she'd want to come down, let alone tell me that she intended to. In a panic, I simply told her that I hadn't decided about allowing ANYONE in the room with me besides B. Which is complete and utter rubbish because I've always imagined having my dad in there, but as luck would have it, Dad is due to be standing in a wedding around the same time I'm supposed to give birth. And I already told him to prioritize the wedding simply because we have no way of knowing when I'll actually go into labor and the baby is born.
Why is this stressing me out? Because whatever I do, there are going to be political implications.
I've already told B's parents I do not want them in the birthing room, and they didn't seem happy about it but they accepted it. However, given their knowledge of my issues with Mom, it would be difficult to justify keeping B's mom out when my parents are both present and accounted for. I think B would also have a problem with it, because as much as his parents have done me wrong, we also believe it was never done maliciously (well, aside from Max's drunken tirade six months ago) and they really have tried to be better since finding out about the pregnancy. I also don't trust his siblings not to make an issue of it.
Conversely, if I keep Mom out (especially if I let Dad in) my brothers will cause an issue. Never mind the fact that I will probably have to pay for Mom to come out myself and DJ certainly didn't do that when his son was born, it will be another example of my brothers letting my lack of a relationship with Mom complicate their fractured relationship with me. My mom will make it very clear I'm doing this to hurt her and the boys will naturally take her side, my comfort as the woman giving birth be damned.
Dad suggested that B and I just tell everyone we have no desire for anyone else to be present in the actual birthing room. Except that that obviously keeps him out of it, and there are really only two people I want to be in there with me. B, and my dad. But Dad also pointed out that it could be a lot for him to deal with, watching me in pain. On the other hand, it allows me to also keep my stepmother out of the birthing room if that's what I want to do, but I'm just not totally sure yet.
Any thoughts on any of this, dear readers?
Today, three issues touched me so deeply and evenly, I don't see how I could avoid addressing all of them.
The first would have to be the anti-choice legislation that passed in Oklahoma. I remember during my youth, arguing passionately for abortion. I always believed that if I found myself pregnant outside of an ideal situation, I would opt for the abortion, never think twice about, and be so removed I'd likely never even inform the father. I found out when I was pregnant with Felicity that it wasn't a reality for me. In the end, I had to terminate that pregnancy anyway, and doing so ultimately involved very little choice.
Still, more than a few people suggested that, because of my experience, I would never be able to call myself a pro-choicer again. They were wrong, but because I don't have quite the emotional energy to convey as brilliantly as my pro-choice and fellow pregnant activist, spacefem, who likewise wrote about this topic today.
...they're forcing ultrasounds. Also giving physicians the right to hide information from pregnant women, which sounds like a great idea right? If the doctor sees evidence of a disability or genetic disorder, they can keep that info to themselves so you have no reason to terminate. Doesn't matter if the baby won't survive two days outside the womb, you'd better carry to full term!
I totally don't get it. Being pregnant has made me so much more pro-choice, mostly because I've learned a lot more about fetal development. When the anti-choicers are waving around the tiny 2" plastic babies they don't tell you that it represents a fetus that's been around about three months. When I got pregnant, I didn't get to see a doctor until week 8. Didn't get to hear a heartbeat until week 13. Didn't get an ultrasound until week 20. Because there's just nothing to see. Nature takes a lot of time to think about this. There's a reason the early pregnancy miscarriage rate is up near 20%... making a human is important, and the process wants to make sure that, if something's going to take up precious time in a uterus it's the perfect egg. Right time, right chromosomes, right everything. Given the statistics, I really don't see how God is the hardcore pro-lifer we make Him out to be.
I couldn't have said it better myself.
Just as upsetting is finding out that a body has been found, believed to be the body of Vincent Binder.
I never knew Vince, but I've felt invested in locating him. I drafted an article for GlobalShift about using social networking sites to help locate missings person, a pitch I crafted to expressly help in the search for Vince. I wanted to help, and my only real power is writing. I don't have a large following there (yet) but perhaps some of my regular readers might have some additional information.
Of course, finding out that Vince may have been found, and brought home in the way we didn't want, makes me feel like my efforts were wasted. That I didn't try hard enough or get a draft out soon enough. He hasn't been missing a month yet, but I nevertheless feel as though I should have done more. Especially given the correspondence I had developed with several of his friends. I just wanted to bring him home.
Finally, just a little while after finding out about Vince, I had a dramatic argument with my mother regarding the birthing plan. She's not wild that I'm in no hurry to get a sonogram (at this point, having tested negative for every of the worrisome conditions that might require a sonogram, I don't see the point in rushing it, especially since I'll have to pay for it out-of-pocket) and doesn't agree with my reluctance to even talk about c-sections as anything other than an emergency.
Then she dropped the bomb that she's planning on being out here when the baby is born. Specifically, in the birthing room with me. I panicked. I never even assumed having my mother out here would be a discussion, because she just left her husband to start a new job while my father and my brothers are paying for her new living situation. Needless to say, I assumed that if she did come down, it would be in a coordinated effort with one of my brothers, neither of whom has expressed the least bit of interest in coming out to see the baby.
I really never imagined that she'd want to come down, let alone tell me that she intended to. In a panic, I simply told her that I hadn't decided about allowing ANYONE in the room with me besides B. Which is complete and utter rubbish because I've always imagined having my dad in there, but as luck would have it, Dad is due to be standing in a wedding around the same time I'm supposed to give birth. And I already told him to prioritize the wedding simply because we have no way of knowing when I'll actually go into labor and the baby is born.
Why is this stressing me out? Because whatever I do, there are going to be political implications.
I've already told B's parents I do not want them in the birthing room, and they didn't seem happy about it but they accepted it. However, given their knowledge of my issues with Mom, it would be difficult to justify keeping B's mom out when my parents are both present and accounted for. I think B would also have a problem with it, because as much as his parents have done me wrong, we also believe it was never done maliciously (well, aside from Max's drunken tirade six months ago) and they really have tried to be better since finding out about the pregnancy. I also don't trust his siblings not to make an issue of it.
Conversely, if I keep Mom out (especially if I let Dad in) my brothers will cause an issue. Never mind the fact that I will probably have to pay for Mom to come out myself and DJ certainly didn't do that when his son was born, it will be another example of my brothers letting my lack of a relationship with Mom complicate their fractured relationship with me. My mom will make it very clear I'm doing this to hurt her and the boys will naturally take her side, my comfort as the woman giving birth be damned.
Dad suggested that B and I just tell everyone we have no desire for anyone else to be present in the actual birthing room. Except that that obviously keeps him out of it, and there are really only two people I want to be in there with me. B, and my dad. But Dad also pointed out that it could be a lot for him to deal with, watching me in pain. On the other hand, it allows me to also keep my stepmother out of the birthing room if that's what I want to do, but I'm just not totally sure yet.
Any thoughts on any of this, dear readers?