The ring.
Yesterday I received an email from my ex-girlfriend letting me know that she was engaged. I have yet to respond.
It was a difficult break-up, but I'm over the fact that we've broken up and that's just how it's going to be from now on. The problem is that the break-up was and is enmeshed with my battle with depression. A short version of the story goes: "She broke up with me over a year ago because my depression had become so acute that my personality became almost unrecognizable. After she said so to my face, I cleaned up my act, but we remained broken up."
So now, I've been depressionless for a long time, but this girl still brings the pain and agony of that time to me. It's nothing to do with her, she's just the catalyst. In my mind, I know that she's happy, and I'm glad, and I wish her the best. But in my heart, there's still a very tender wound. Of course, she didn't make the wound either. I did. And that makes it harder to heal.
I've tried the "let's stay friends" thing. We were very close friends before we dated, and she is one of the smartest people I've ever met; but the association of her with my depression and angst is still too strong. I wonder, sometimes, if I saw her again, in a different situation, things might be better--just to have another image of her after this event, a new image that doesn't have me sobbing or trembling. But who knows if that will work either. Time heals all wounds, say the people who have to say something, but some take longer than other. And when I come to a point like this, I almost feel as though I'm letting her down again, as though I'm letting my depression keep my from being even a friend to her. Almost. I know that it isn't true.
(Side note that it doesn't help that her new fiancee is the guy who she was seeing when we broke up. Lots of negativity there, mostly jealousy and self-loathing, so I've absolutely no basis for objective thought in that matter.)
The whole thing resides in an emotional blind spot--or maybe less of a blind spot than a sunspot, bright light that burns the eye upon examination. So even after my emotions have settled I can still think of nothing to say.
It was a difficult break-up, but I'm over the fact that we've broken up and that's just how it's going to be from now on. The problem is that the break-up was and is enmeshed with my battle with depression. A short version of the story goes: "She broke up with me over a year ago because my depression had become so acute that my personality became almost unrecognizable. After she said so to my face, I cleaned up my act, but we remained broken up."
So now, I've been depressionless for a long time, but this girl still brings the pain and agony of that time to me. It's nothing to do with her, she's just the catalyst. In my mind, I know that she's happy, and I'm glad, and I wish her the best. But in my heart, there's still a very tender wound. Of course, she didn't make the wound either. I did. And that makes it harder to heal.
I've tried the "let's stay friends" thing. We were very close friends before we dated, and she is one of the smartest people I've ever met; but the association of her with my depression and angst is still too strong. I wonder, sometimes, if I saw her again, in a different situation, things might be better--just to have another image of her after this event, a new image that doesn't have me sobbing or trembling. But who knows if that will work either. Time heals all wounds, say the people who have to say something, but some take longer than other. And when I come to a point like this, I almost feel as though I'm letting her down again, as though I'm letting my depression keep my from being even a friend to her. Almost. I know that it isn't true.
(Side note that it doesn't help that her new fiancee is the guy who she was seeing when we broke up. Lots of negativity there, mostly jealousy and self-loathing, so I've absolutely no basis for objective thought in that matter.)
The whole thing resides in an emotional blind spot--or maybe less of a blind spot than a sunspot, bright light that burns the eye upon examination. So even after my emotions have settled I can still think of nothing to say.