May 25, 2004 23:58
I'm back here because every so often things just don't go right.
My friend Justin died. I've known him since grade school and it's weird to see someone from the close-knit family that was OW to be suddenly gone. He was never one of the most influential people in my life, but the few concrete memories that are solely of him are killing me to still have. I don't like knowing it's gone. I don't like having so little sticking in my head right now-- I know there were more times!-- what happened to my memory?! And I especially hate how I never talked to him this last few months because I was so concerned about getting to Driver's Ed. to see Mac and Jim Bansberg. And I was scared because of the cancer. I was such a bastard to this kid because of fear.
So I'm sitting here, and I need to write something for his memory book that Paige is putting together. But every memory I have of him is so damn... trivial... they don't mean anything to anyone but me. I've been at this for three days now and have nothing. And I should be able to write this, because I spent an entire class this year bullshitting stories last minute, so this should be a cinch, right? And it's not and I don't know why. I've gotten so flighty in my latter years. It's not even funny.
Summer's strange, too. I'm kind of going out, kind of having fun, but nothing's really begun. I'm stuck in a trance of sticking to the things that are safe and that I want (nights with the boys, Nat, Katie, whoever, with bonfires and watching movies and making trip cords with Mac), the things I miss (parties at Hack's, not really caring what happened, a bit of spontaneity), and the things I have no clue about (I really need a different crowd in general, a job, a place to be, knock a few drinks down, dare I say). And the wake tonight reminded me that I need more of my past. More on that some other time.
I'm so tired. I should sleep, shouldn't I? I've never sounded this delirious in an entry before, and this is so jumbled, and I hate this. I need to finish these things, I need to make some sense. Can I go crazy?