Looking Rose
Last night I had a dream about Bryan. I dreamt that he was over at my house, but it was far too late for me to drive him home and for me to drive back, so my parents said he could spend the night. He was supposed to sleep on the couch, but he eventually snuck into my room (we planned it, in my dream, actually) and we slept together. Not SLEPT together. But... you know, slept in the same bed. Together. It was nice.
Today was not a good day. I had to get the boys from school and I just now finished my homework for tomorrow. This afternoon though, everything hit me like a train. I have realized that I haven't had the time to write in nearly two months. Writing is what I do to get out all my frustrations and anger, all of my depressed moments and sadness, everything. I am able to empty myself of emotions when I write, refreshing myself. Since I haven't, I've been a ball of stress and pent-up feelings. Talking doesn't help, only doing what I love does.
I love reading too, but every time I look and see how very little reading I've gotten done, I feel terrible. I feel even worse that I don't have time to do what I want. All it seems that I do is watch TV and do school-related things. Projects. Papers. Assignments. Readings. It's draining. If I'm not doing those, I'm sleeping. It's terrible.
When did my life get so difficult that everything I loved got pushed away when I needed it most? Last quarter, I failed Composition 2. I failed because I was stressed beyond stressed, and I burnt out. When it came to this quarter, I did not learn my lesson. I instead, thought not of my mental health but instead of my grades. "I need to do most spectacularly this quarter to make up for the terrible terrible thing that happened last quarter." That has only put me in the same boat I was in last quarter, it seems. All I want to do is read. Or write. Or do something else that I find relaxing and that I love. But I can't, and it makes me feel like shit.
Dad just lectured me about the cleanliness of the kitchen and how now I'm required to clean the counters every other day. This would not be a bad thing if I WASN'T GOING THROUGH A VERY UNGOOD POINT IN MY SCHOOL TIME THANKS. This project is killing me, because I don't know what to do, or I've forgotten how to do things in my worrying and stressing, and I see myself in my own self-placed martyr position for like the millionth time.
God, I want to cry.
Anyway. Tomorrow is Amber's birthday and I really should get around to writing lovely things in her card so I can drop off her stuff sometime tomorrow. Will you be home? If so, when? I should call her.
And speaking of calling people. Adrienne emailed me just a while ago. Apparently, she's getting married soon. I have her number now, and I should call her too, but I'm sure she's at work by now. I want to talk to her. I miss her.
She said I should get a myspace. I'm like one of the last people on Earth that doesn't have one, I know, and I kind of like that. But should I get one? What do y'all think?
I have two blisters on my right foot. They don't hurt, but their forming did. Damn my new shoes. I'm not going to wear them anywhere now, unless it's to get the mail or the garbage cans. I got these blisters from just going up to get the boys. Ick.
Anyway, my post seems a lot of me whining and crying about my life. Whatever. I didn't mean to make it so. I'm just... stuck in a rut. A bad rut. And I want out. I go through this phase sometimes. I feel like my life is not going anywhere, so I think of ways I could change it. Like getting a job. I'd love to get a job at Borders, but I'm sure my money would never make it out. Nah, I'd probably still save it for gifts for others. But I don't have time, what with my strict dedication to school and helping to keep my house running smoothly. But not just that. Other things I've been doing, like trying to be more of a girl and saying I'm doing it for Bryan. Retail therapy like on Tuesday. I've been acting out of character, and I blame my state of mind. My rut. It's evil.
Anyway, yes. I want an actual opinion on that myspace thing. I'd like to NOT get one, but if that's what I have to do to stay in touch with people like people from school or from my past like Adrienne... maybe I should.
On a lighter note, Adrienne is STILL prettier than me! :P
Today was not a good day. I had to get the boys from school and I just now finished my homework for tomorrow. This afternoon though, everything hit me like a train. I have realized that I haven't had the time to write in nearly two months. Writing is what I do to get out all my frustrations and anger, all of my depressed moments and sadness, everything. I am able to empty myself of emotions when I write, refreshing myself. Since I haven't, I've been a ball of stress and pent-up feelings. Talking doesn't help, only doing what I love does.
I love reading too, but every time I look and see how very little reading I've gotten done, I feel terrible. I feel even worse that I don't have time to do what I want. All it seems that I do is watch TV and do school-related things. Projects. Papers. Assignments. Readings. It's draining. If I'm not doing those, I'm sleeping. It's terrible.
When did my life get so difficult that everything I loved got pushed away when I needed it most? Last quarter, I failed Composition 2. I failed because I was stressed beyond stressed, and I burnt out. When it came to this quarter, I did not learn my lesson. I instead, thought not of my mental health but instead of my grades. "I need to do most spectacularly this quarter to make up for the terrible terrible thing that happened last quarter." That has only put me in the same boat I was in last quarter, it seems. All I want to do is read. Or write. Or do something else that I find relaxing and that I love. But I can't, and it makes me feel like shit.
Dad just lectured me about the cleanliness of the kitchen and how now I'm required to clean the counters every other day. This would not be a bad thing if I WASN'T GOING THROUGH A VERY UNGOOD POINT IN MY SCHOOL TIME THANKS. This project is killing me, because I don't know what to do, or I've forgotten how to do things in my worrying and stressing, and I see myself in my own self-placed martyr position for like the millionth time.
God, I want to cry.
Anyway. Tomorrow is Amber's birthday and I really should get around to writing lovely things in her card so I can drop off her stuff sometime tomorrow. Will you be home? If so, when? I should call her.
And speaking of calling people. Adrienne emailed me just a while ago. Apparently, she's getting married soon. I have her number now, and I should call her too, but I'm sure she's at work by now. I want to talk to her. I miss her.
She said I should get a myspace. I'm like one of the last people on Earth that doesn't have one, I know, and I kind of like that. But should I get one? What do y'all think?
I have two blisters on my right foot. They don't hurt, but their forming did. Damn my new shoes. I'm not going to wear them anywhere now, unless it's to get the mail or the garbage cans. I got these blisters from just going up to get the boys. Ick.
Anyway, my post seems a lot of me whining and crying about my life. Whatever. I didn't mean to make it so. I'm just... stuck in a rut. A bad rut. And I want out. I go through this phase sometimes. I feel like my life is not going anywhere, so I think of ways I could change it. Like getting a job. I'd love to get a job at Borders, but I'm sure my money would never make it out. Nah, I'd probably still save it for gifts for others. But I don't have time, what with my strict dedication to school and helping to keep my house running smoothly. But not just that. Other things I've been doing, like trying to be more of a girl and saying I'm doing it for Bryan. Retail therapy like on Tuesday. I've been acting out of character, and I blame my state of mind. My rut. It's evil.
Anyway, yes. I want an actual opinion on that myspace thing. I'd like to NOT get one, but if that's what I have to do to stay in touch with people like people from school or from my past like Adrienne... maybe I should.
On a lighter note, Adrienne is STILL prettier than me! :P