(no subject)
RIght now I just don't know how to feel. I've never been in a situation where I've felt that vulnerable and exposed. The whole time we argued I felt it was trivial, as everything like this seems trivial in comparison to what we went through before, but I couldn't help but feel the need to go through it anyway. Last night, he said he feels crappy and then he wouldn't look at me in the same way or touch me in the same way, but I know that I am the one who should be feeling incredibly stupid after my hormonal game play. It just sucks to feel like this, especially after the wonderful day we had together. Unfortunately I'm just as much locked into who I am as I think he sometimes is himself, and I hate that I'm blinded by that and it gets in our way. It's hard to be yourself and share yourself at the same time but I'm learning and I really hope he sees that. I guess as much as a lot of things haven't always turned up 'me' in my life I haven't had many situations where "no" didn't mean I didn't push every button I could to eventually get my own way. I'm a fighter, I've been brought up and trained to be one, so I just wish I could tell him in a way he'd understand, It will be hard for me to let that go and bend and lean and twist my previous conceptions to mix with his in a way where we don't end up having stupid aguements that leave my eyes tired of crying in the morning.
Oh and do I ever feel stupid about the crying. I am someone who HATES crying in front of other people but everytime we argue it happens. I just think that I care about him a lot so it freaks me out when I feel like we're in jeopardy. I immediately feel guilty as well because he is an amazing person all around and feels so right for me. It feels like almsot everything has been perfect except for these limbo periods where we argue and then try to get back to normal.
I just heard a cat purring and meowing in my apartment... we don't own a cat....
Normal will always be a funny term for us. We'll never ever be normal.
It's pretty scary that I see myself wanting this to last forever.. I'm scared to feel that though. Is it what everyone feels in a new relationship? Probably! So how do you know? How do you know when it is genuine and when it will feel right and continue to feel right? It's scary to feel so exposed. As I write this post I wonder if he creeps like I do. Will he find it? Will it make more sense to him or will it just scare him? It's hard working out your thoughts especially as you do them through livejournal.
Oh and do I ever feel stupid about the crying. I am someone who HATES crying in front of other people but everytime we argue it happens. I just think that I care about him a lot so it freaks me out when I feel like we're in jeopardy. I immediately feel guilty as well because he is an amazing person all around and feels so right for me. It feels like almsot everything has been perfect except for these limbo periods where we argue and then try to get back to normal.
I just heard a cat purring and meowing in my apartment... we don't own a cat....
Normal will always be a funny term for us. We'll never ever be normal.
It's pretty scary that I see myself wanting this to last forever.. I'm scared to feel that though. Is it what everyone feels in a new relationship? Probably! So how do you know? How do you know when it is genuine and when it will feel right and continue to feel right? It's scary to feel so exposed. As I write this post I wonder if he creeps like I do. Will he find it? Will it make more sense to him or will it just scare him? It's hard working out your thoughts especially as you do them through livejournal.