Feathers of Black and White: Chapter 6 - Nightmares of You
Fear
It was something I understood I couldn’t live without simply because it’s where my life had revolved around ever since I could remember. It was the only thing that drove me to both move forward and tried to convince me to stop and give up, drove me to both take a risk and just keep waiting, told me to both reach out to touch him and keep my distance.
At times it had pushed me to my limits, and more often than not saved me from doing the things I believed to be wrong. But mostly it was the reason why I still had a small hope I was holding onto after all of these times.
The hope continually grew bigger with each smile, with each touch, with each time I hear his voice, with each time spent with him that seemed to be longer than I deemed safe. It meant that I’ve made some progress, that somehow he was starting to accept things in parts, that maybe we’ve made a small change.
That maybe this time I’ll be able to save him.
“Have you always drawn angels?” I asked Kyungsoo, watching him carefully drawing a pair of wings on white paper.
Kyungsoo nods.
I smiled.
“Do you like angels?”
“I wouldn’t be drawing them so much if I didn’t, right?” Kyungsoo replied, a playful smirk on his lips.
I laughed and shrugged. He stayed witty as I remembered him to be I see.
“Which part had attracted you most then?”
There was a pause. Kyungsoo stopped sketching and bit his lower lip in contemplation.
“Their wings,” he replied with such a bright smile but somehow my chest constricted a bit from the slight pain, feeling that very word slowly stab at my core from too much guilt. Luckily though, I managed a smile. Kyungsoo returned to his sketching.
“What do you like about them?” I found myself asking instead.
Kyungsoo stopped again, this time however closing his sketchpad before he’s facing me, eyes focusing on mine. And like every other time our eyes meet, I naturally the fear was back to both calm my heart and make my mind panic all at the same time. His gaze had always felt like it were probing, silently throwing a million question I could never answer. I refused to do so, not when the time isn’t right.
“I… I don’t really know,” he said, brows furrowing slightly in thought. “Maybe because they mean freedom and purity?”
I smiled at him. That I definitely understood.
“They do,” I said and I completely lost myself at the grin he sent my way. “Especially yours.”
It was completely accidental, a slip of the tongue brought about the relaxing feeling of being under the spell of Kyungsoo’s smile - or under Kyungsoo’s spell in general. The confused expression on Kyungsoo’s face made me feel scared all over again, in the slightest moment, and then the fear subsided. As to how though, I didn’t know.
“Your drawings,” I added with a smile, pointing to his sketchpad. He nodded and shrugged.
“Is that what you meant with that note?” Kyungsoo asked next, pulling out a small folded paper from his sketchpad and I couldn’t help but chuckle. It was nice to know he had kept it safely hidden despite it being unimportant. I nodded anyway.
Your wings were always the purest ones I’ve ever seen.
“Jongin?”
“Yes?”
“Thank you.”
I smiled.
“Anything for you.”
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Drawing
It was the closest thing to calm I could ever have. I enjoyed the way my brain would empty itself and in turn be filled with the endless things I could create through a vast and empty white canvass of paper, the way the scraping sound would make me forget whatever it was that had made my nerves restless, the infinite possibilities that are more or less strangers to me seem to be the most familiar things to have happened, how the colors would look so intriguing and filled with the answers I knew I was seeking.
And mostly because the time I spent doing it is where I could honestly say that I’m the happiest, no matter how short that time is.
My drawings were never as good as the paintings I’ve seen created by artists I adored, but I’ve always said that I made the drawings not because I wanted my work to be admired and be loved. The paintings and artworks were made because I wanted those onlookers see how much beauty black can have, that despite it being so neutral it can be eye catching and unforgettable, that there’s no problem in being different because it’s the only reason why something can be called beautiful - uniqueness.
And to simply say that black doesn’t always mean that it’s bad.
Because black can never exist without anything white beside it.
Something surely won’t become so dark without a blinding light somewhere in the distance, right?
And that very same light was what invaded my recent dreams, blinding me so much that I could feel myself squinting from the strain, fighting the urge to just close my eyes because amidst the light that filled my vision, there was that familiar silhouette of wings spread wide and brown eyes, this time having their arms spread on either side as if inviting me to run straight to it, like it’s where I belong - somewhere I’ve always belonged to. Feeling myself do what it feels to be the right thing to do, before I could even understood what I was doing I was already running to where the winged being was standing because somehow I knew, those arms belonged to the only being that had invaded my thoughts and dreams - my angel.
My body crashed onto my angel’s thinking has been the closest I’ve been with my angel that I was already anticipating my consciousness to come and pull me back into reality. It never came. I felt my arms wrapping around my angel’s waist, reveling in that familiar feeling of having my arms fitting snuggly at the spot like I’ve been able to do it before. There was the sound of a gentle and soft whoosh and somehow I knew that the wings had flapped once, making it rain black feathers and I remembered myself thinking how beautiful it had looked against the angel’s golden skin. A pair of arms engulfed my small body and a head nuzzling on my neck - my angel had hugged me back. There was a long take of breath from the angel, taking it whatever it was that he had found intoxicating before there was a whisper in my ears that was too soft and inaudible yet I was sure I’ve heard the voice before, and the wings flapped again, this time stronger. I felt myself leave the ground, and then I was falling - alone.
I startled awake, quickly sitting up and failed to realize I’ve been screaming and crying before Chanyeol had started shaking my trembling body and the sound of my own broken shrieks gradually became audible, Chanyeol’s body blurring from the tears in my eyes.
My screams slowly died down, my crying reduced to silent sobs and I was clutching onto Chanyeol’s shirt like it’s the only leverage I have to keep from falling.
Chanyeol’s deep voice sliced through my internal panic.
“Are you okay?” he asked, voice filled with worry. “What happened?”
I could only stare at Chanyeol, my voice lost somewhere in the aftershock.
“Soo?”
I stayed silent, hearing nothing else but silence filled with my small hiccups and shaky breaths.
“Did you have a nightmare?”
For some reason, I shook my head - not sure if because I didn’t know if the dream was a nightmare or because it wasn’t one.
“Then what’s wrong?” he asked gently, rubbing my arms soothingly.
I shook my head again.
I don’t know.
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The look of worry Kyungsoo had was making me feel restless, wanting nothing but to wrap my arms around him and whisper reassuring words that would hopefully make him feel better. But instead of a hug though, all I could do was to timidly reach for one of his hands that rested on the table beside the sketchpad he had stopped sketching in moments ago. Kyungsoo had stayed quiet for the whole time, giving my questions short answers because his mind was clearly distracted that even his so called angel couldn’t keep his attention intact. I ended up rubbing soothing circles on his knuckles as I asked him what was bothering him.
“I had a bad dream,” he said in a soft voice and I was glad to see his body relax a little bit.
“Do you want to talk about it?” I asked again.
Is it okay to talk about it?
“There was the same black wings and a golden glow,” he started and I kept my gentle hold on his hand, “and there was a blinding light. I ran to hug someone, and then we were happily floating before he disappeared and I was falling…”
It was my turn to stiffen. Somehow I knew what was going to happen next.
“I couldn’t remember most of it,” he continued, thoughts completely far away. “All I could remember was the fear, the sadness, the pain… all because I was alone when I fell.”
You weren’t
“Don’t worry about it,” I said, unsure if it’s directed to Kyungsoo or to myself. “I’m sure it was just a dream.”
I’m sure it wasn’t
“I hope so,” he said as he sighed. “I woke Chanyeol up because I was screaming and crying and I definitely owe him an apology.”
I could only smile, guilt eating up every little hope I thought that I have after hearing what it was that troubled him. In a way it could mean that little by little he’s digging everything all by himself, and that could lessen the possibilities of the rest of the hints’ harm. However, it could also mean that he’s now capable of triggering it on his own, and he has no one but Chanyeol by his side.
“The dream felt too real this time,” he said.
I was speechless; I could only squeeze his hand.