True Life: I'm a perpetual fuck up...
does there ever come a time where we are allowed to stop learning lessons all the time, and we're just left to be a person. A person who needs and wants and is tempted and not made to feel as though those indiscretions have rendered them as a worhtless failure? I know noone who has been scrutinized or analyzed more than I by those who are closest to them.
I DO NOT DESERVE TO GO BACK TO MERRIMACK BECAUSE I PROMISED MY MOM I WOULDN"T LIE OR DRINK, AND I DID BOTH.
I broke a promise. I am a deceptive manipulator who will fail to achieve anything I attempt at merrimack because im still a liar, and i still drink socially.
You want to know what else I promise my mother?
-I would save up enough money to make up for the scholarship i lost for one semester: $7,500.
By the time Jan 15 rolls around, I will have atleast $8,000 just in my savings account. That is how much money I have saved since june after paying $2,240 total in car insurance, approxmately 40 a week on gas, atleast $350 worth of work on my car, my phone bill every month, paying my credit card bill IN FULL every month, and spending about $1,500 dollars for college classes and books. That doesnt include any of the money i had to spend on myself for essentials, or christmas shopping or any other random expenses that I cant think o right now. And I will still have MORE money than I promised.
-I would get A's in my classes. Right now, I have an A+ average in both.
-I would spend more time with the family and making things good with them. Up until three days ago, it couldn't have been going smoother.
-I would keep appointments with my psychologist atleast twice a month. I have been seeing her and she has been more than encouraging of me and my achievements.
...........
but i got a speeding ticket for the first time ever. i lied about sleeping at my boyfriends house. and I had ONE alcoholic beverage 3 hours before I drove home.
i've never done anything stupid regarding a boy in my entire ilife! i've been the most responsible out of everyone i knows when it comes to not letting a guy take over my life. Yet I get cut no slack this first time...I dont defend the actions, but I also just cannot to bring myself to an understanding as to why these problems render me incapable and undeserving of the college education that I have been successfully fighting for since I left there in shame 8 months ago.
of these two lists of things, the promises that I kept and the promises that I broke, which one do you think greater reflects my ability to achieve at college? Which one do you think shows greater character, and holds more weight. The one that spans my achievements and growth over 8 months? Or the one where I was being a stupid 20 year old kid, again.
I just really dont know anymore. I truly honestly dont.
Im just heartbroken at this point. Scared and sick to my stomach and heartbroken.