same old shit every time...
it officially bothers me now that i procrastinate so much. i had a speech due (i'm taking public speaking this session) tuesday but i didn't work on it at all over the weekend and i didn't do anything about it monday night. i went to class and told the teacher that i couldn't do it on my assigned day and she moved it to thursday. today is thursday and i have still yet to do any preparation for the speech. i've already decided that i'm just not going to go to class today and possibly skip it tomorrow.
this is not the first time that my procrastination has gotten me in trouble grade wise. those of you that were around remember what i did (or didn't do as the case may be) freshman year. the main difference this time is that it really REALLY bothers me that i keep doing this. i've been doing this for so long that it has practically become habit. almost every long term assignment i've had since middle school (that's right middle school) i've either turned in late or i just haven't turned it in at all. it is times such as this that i wish i had decided to major in a math field instead of a humanity. this is not to say that math fields don't have long term assignments because they do, however math was the only class that i put forth any real effort into (back when i was taking it). sure i'm a social person but it seems as if that's no basis to choose my major. of course that is assuming that i get accepted into the major in the fall (which i probably won't for various reasons that i've already figured out and probably more that i just haven't thought of yet).
it seems as if my life is just slowly falling apart. i can't seem to keep myself happy for one reason or another. it's finally hitting me that i could very well just not have a future with the way college has been going for me thus far. i'll probably end up being one of those guys on the street begging for money or best case scenario i get to work at a fast food place for the rest of my life.
why did it take until now for me to realize the folly of my ways? i knew what i was doing every time something didn't get done. i know i can change it but i start to wonder if it's truly worth it? if i change my ways now then will that truly change the direction in which my life is heading? my GPA is (for all intents and purposes) stuck where it is right now because i keep holding myself back.
this doesn't mean that i'm quitting. i've already abandoned so many things on smaller levels that if i just quit now then it would drive me to the brink of insanity. i just don't know what to do about myself. it saddens me that maybe it took 7 years of private school, 2+ years of college, and thousands of dollars of my parents' wasted to realize that school might not be the place that i need to be. but i don't have anything else. if i go back home then i have to live with the shame of failing to do well in college hanging over my head everyday. staying here is obviously just wasting more and more money but what other choice do i have??
the only thing that i truly want to do is just to completely start over. and by start over i don't mean something as simple as go back and start college over (no matter how nice that would be). i mean that i just want to go back and start my life over. i look back on my life and realize how much of a waste it has been. there has been failure for so long that now it just consumes me. the only moments that shine through are the ones in which i was there for the people that i care about. i have been the best sympathetic ear that i can possibly be and i truly do believe that that is why i haven't completely given up on everything. i realized in high school how much someone need an ear to release themselves to and i just naturally became a listener. even when i was a child my friends would want me to listen to their problems and mediate situations. i'm so mildly talented in so many things that it astounds me. however, there is nothing i'm talented enough in to see myself doing it all my life. i mean there will be things that i will hopefully do until i die, meet new people and listen to people's problems, but i have not taken to correct steps to making that my trade, my skill, my profession.
i'm really sorry for the rant. just so it is known i wrote the above entry completely and directly from my mind, as in i wrote down whatever was popping into my head so if anything contradicts itself then i'm sorry.
i hope everyone is doing well etc. etc. etc...
this is not the first time that my procrastination has gotten me in trouble grade wise. those of you that were around remember what i did (or didn't do as the case may be) freshman year. the main difference this time is that it really REALLY bothers me that i keep doing this. i've been doing this for so long that it has practically become habit. almost every long term assignment i've had since middle school (that's right middle school) i've either turned in late or i just haven't turned it in at all. it is times such as this that i wish i had decided to major in a math field instead of a humanity. this is not to say that math fields don't have long term assignments because they do, however math was the only class that i put forth any real effort into (back when i was taking it). sure i'm a social person but it seems as if that's no basis to choose my major. of course that is assuming that i get accepted into the major in the fall (which i probably won't for various reasons that i've already figured out and probably more that i just haven't thought of yet).
it seems as if my life is just slowly falling apart. i can't seem to keep myself happy for one reason or another. it's finally hitting me that i could very well just not have a future with the way college has been going for me thus far. i'll probably end up being one of those guys on the street begging for money or best case scenario i get to work at a fast food place for the rest of my life.
why did it take until now for me to realize the folly of my ways? i knew what i was doing every time something didn't get done. i know i can change it but i start to wonder if it's truly worth it? if i change my ways now then will that truly change the direction in which my life is heading? my GPA is (for all intents and purposes) stuck where it is right now because i keep holding myself back.
this doesn't mean that i'm quitting. i've already abandoned so many things on smaller levels that if i just quit now then it would drive me to the brink of insanity. i just don't know what to do about myself. it saddens me that maybe it took 7 years of private school, 2+ years of college, and thousands of dollars of my parents' wasted to realize that school might not be the place that i need to be. but i don't have anything else. if i go back home then i have to live with the shame of failing to do well in college hanging over my head everyday. staying here is obviously just wasting more and more money but what other choice do i have??
the only thing that i truly want to do is just to completely start over. and by start over i don't mean something as simple as go back and start college over (no matter how nice that would be). i mean that i just want to go back and start my life over. i look back on my life and realize how much of a waste it has been. there has been failure for so long that now it just consumes me. the only moments that shine through are the ones in which i was there for the people that i care about. i have been the best sympathetic ear that i can possibly be and i truly do believe that that is why i haven't completely given up on everything. i realized in high school how much someone need an ear to release themselves to and i just naturally became a listener. even when i was a child my friends would want me to listen to their problems and mediate situations. i'm so mildly talented in so many things that it astounds me. however, there is nothing i'm talented enough in to see myself doing it all my life. i mean there will be things that i will hopefully do until i die, meet new people and listen to people's problems, but i have not taken to correct steps to making that my trade, my skill, my profession.
i'm really sorry for the rant. just so it is known i wrote the above entry completely and directly from my mind, as in i wrote down whatever was popping into my head so if anything contradicts itself then i'm sorry.
i hope everyone is doing well etc. etc. etc...