is this really what i want?
"I still love you," he says while stroking my hair, as if to conjole me for the fact that he doesn't
find me attractive enough anymore,
or that his current state is too stressful and the thought of sex with anyone but himself
seems like a lackluster idea.
"... thats great...." I say, unsure how to feel that my boyfriend, of almost a year, that now decides to let slip
the notion that our 'vanilla sex' isn't working for him anymore.
I apologize because my response was rather sarcastic
and i don't mean to pass off my confusion and frustration as generic humor.
nearly a half-hour (or what feels like that) of silence and parallel lying on his bed passes
as he gets up to brush his teeth.
I had been contemplating since the initial comment
if i was mad enough to get dressed and go home.
I think to myself that i need to not be around right now
because i won't sleep in such a tense atmosphere
and am not ready to combat with words just how sudden, and expected the intended conversation will be.
and i wonder if I'm to blame
am i putting too much importance on sex in a relationship
that has proven to be significant
or does HE need time to get his shit together?
"are you going home?" he says returning from the bathroom to see me fully dressed and holding my shoes
"umm.... yeah" i say as if it was to be expected.
and then he said something, to which I snapped back
"I'm fine, I don't have a problem, its yours to deal with" which i enforced with just enough sincerity to prove that i wasn't joking around.
I was hurt
but knew something was going to happen sooner or later
-it was too good to be true- some might say
and i would bite back
-fuck you-
I walked out the door without so much as a good bye
or an ' I love you even though...'
and drove home barefoot because i didn't want to take the time to put my shoes on and delay my perfectly timed exit.
and driving home I wonder if i'm actually mad
or simply going through with it
to prove to myself that i can not so easily forgive everyone
and be so overly empathetic that i loose all sense of myself.
he called me three times in the span of a 15 minute car ride home
and i wanted to talk to someone
but to someone of an outside party
whom i trusted enough to be vulnerable in front of
such a person was not so easy to come by.
and what am i supposed to do,
he says he doesn't want to break-up
but he doesn't want to fuck me
- that shit's for married couples -
not post teenage gay men
IS love enough?
will i have to settle?
(this is not meant as an attack on you,
just a way for me to vent)
find me attractive enough anymore,
or that his current state is too stressful and the thought of sex with anyone but himself
seems like a lackluster idea.
"... thats great...." I say, unsure how to feel that my boyfriend, of almost a year, that now decides to let slip
the notion that our 'vanilla sex' isn't working for him anymore.
I apologize because my response was rather sarcastic
and i don't mean to pass off my confusion and frustration as generic humor.
nearly a half-hour (or what feels like that) of silence and parallel lying on his bed passes
as he gets up to brush his teeth.
I had been contemplating since the initial comment
if i was mad enough to get dressed and go home.
I think to myself that i need to not be around right now
because i won't sleep in such a tense atmosphere
and am not ready to combat with words just how sudden, and expected the intended conversation will be.
and i wonder if I'm to blame
am i putting too much importance on sex in a relationship
that has proven to be significant
or does HE need time to get his shit together?
"are you going home?" he says returning from the bathroom to see me fully dressed and holding my shoes
"umm.... yeah" i say as if it was to be expected.
and then he said something, to which I snapped back
"I'm fine, I don't have a problem, its yours to deal with" which i enforced with just enough sincerity to prove that i wasn't joking around.
I was hurt
but knew something was going to happen sooner or later
-it was too good to be true- some might say
and i would bite back
-fuck you-
I walked out the door without so much as a good bye
or an ' I love you even though...'
and drove home barefoot because i didn't want to take the time to put my shoes on and delay my perfectly timed exit.
and driving home I wonder if i'm actually mad
or simply going through with it
to prove to myself that i can not so easily forgive everyone
and be so overly empathetic that i loose all sense of myself.
he called me three times in the span of a 15 minute car ride home
and i wanted to talk to someone
but to someone of an outside party
whom i trusted enough to be vulnerable in front of
such a person was not so easy to come by.
and what am i supposed to do,
he says he doesn't want to break-up
but he doesn't want to fuck me
- that shit's for married couples -
not post teenage gay men
IS love enough?
will i have to settle?
(this is not meant as an attack on you,
just a way for me to vent)