Sleep
Its 4:30 am and I haven't been able to sleep. Not a wink. Mostly my fault though; I slept most of Monday. I had this awful stomach pain, kind of like really, really bad cramps but its not that time of the month. And it wasn't in the right spot. Just these sharp, stabbing pains. Nick was a sweetheart and brought me saltines and ginger ale, but neither seemed to help. So I did what I do when my cramps are bad, I sleep through it. I was asleep from like 1 to 3 and my stomch still hurt when I woke up. And then I started getting a little freaked out because my mom had had her appendix removed a few months ago and I remember she'd had bad stomch pains. The idea of surgery terrifies me. But that was probably just me freaking out. Because then Nick started joking that I was pregnant. -_- Har har. When the pain still didn't go away and I was pretty much just miserable, I slept again and woke up at 7. >_<
I'm feeling better now. ^^; But I cant sleep.
Nick thinks the pains were because I've been eating too many mandrines. I'm not so sure about that one. I like them, but they're not the only thing I've been eating. So, I don't know. It freaks me out. Just a little. We were watching House eariler, though.
I've had a lot on my mind. A lot of depressing things. My little sister was in the Aubrun Christmas parade a week or two ago with her class. My mom and dad walked along side the float with her and my sister and I were in the crowd. Jenna was going to come by my house and we'd walk to the parade together. You know, a nice little family thing, probably go get dinner afterwards. I like that kind of stuff. But, my sister shows up at my house with a bottle of Malibu rum and a little bottle of cranberry juice. She empties out half the juice and fills it with the rum and says she's ready to go and no amount of disgust and pleading from me can get her to leave it. So we go down to the parade with her alcoholism. And it really just ruins the whole thing. It gets me really pissed off. I would have said something to my mom or dad, but they looked so happy. And I could tell they were happy we were there, too. And I just feel like my mom is always looking for something to be happy about these days. I couldn't take that away.
I haven't talked to my brother since he and his wife left for Minnesota in September. And I hate myself for that. But he and I neevr really talked to begin with. He can be a real ass hole and I don't know how to fight him when he talks like that. He's my mom and dad's gift from God, he can't do any wrong. He married the perfect woman, who both my parents adore. He graduated from Cal Poly. He's getting a successful job. He's just this model of perfection, and I can;t help but feel I'm being compared to him all the time. If that doesn't put a barrier between siblings, I don't know what will.
My parents like Nick, but I don't think they believe its going to be long term. Nick and I are perfectly happy. There's no reason for us to think we'l be anything but long term. I don't think my dad likes that he is liberal. And there was something he said, when nick and I had been dating for a few months that I don't think I'll ever forget. I was on the phone fighting with my dad because he was angry that I didn't want to go visit my sister in SF. I didn't want to go because I was sick of trying to bober her up, but my dad didn't knwo that. It turned into a lecture about being there for family and unconiditional love and I just started crying histerically into the phone. My dad can be really harsh, and he didn't see this as a reason to stop what he was saying, to him it just meant that his words were sinking in. So he goes on to say, "And this Nick guy. I dunno about him, he doesn't seem to care about his family..." and the rest kind of just blurred into something that was so off, I could hardly stand it. I don't know where my dad ever got this idea, but all I could think of was that he was looking for things not to like about Nick. And its completely not true. he loves his parents, but he's sick of living at hime as any 24 year old would. But I will neevr forget the way my dad said that. "This Nick guy." It was just so full of disgust. It makes me sick to think about it.
And all Nick ever worries about is weather or not my parents like him. After my brother's wedding, I could tell there was something on his mind. And he finally told me the other day what I had been suspecting. He wants to be successful, like my brother, so my parents will be proud. It tears me up to think about that, because I don't want him to feel he has to live up to any expectations but his own. He's amazingly talented and smart and creative. He and I are considering going to Humboldt or Chico soon and I told him my parents want me to go to Chico because its closer. That doesn't mean I'm going to do what they would prefer, because if I'd rather go to Humboldt then thats were I'm going to go. I always felt that Nick was leaning towards Humboldt but when I told him that he started to worry that my parents would think he's taking me away from them. I don't want him to choose Chico just because of that. I'd feel awful. And then I made the mistake of saying my parents don't hate Humboldt, they just thinks its a really liberal school. And then Nick looks at me and says, "They know I'm liberal, right?" And of course they do, and they don't care. At least my mom doesn't, and my dad knows better than to say anything if he does. But I know its going to be on Nick's mind now. I don't want him to have to worry about those things.
When I told my parents that Nick and I wanted to go to college together and live together, I told my mom first. My mom thought it was a great idea. She feels better knowing I'd be moving out with someone who'd be there for me if something happened. Then I told my dad. My dad looks at me as if he's goignt o blurt something out, he stops himself and says he'll have to talk to my mom first before he can say anything. He said he didn't want to say the wrong thing. I was furious. Of course he didn't like the idea. But instead of telling em that, he comes back to me a few days later and says, "Yes, I think its a good idea." Like he'd read it from a script. It was such a complete lack of respect for the fact that I was asking my father's opinion on something very important to me and he couldn't give me a truthful answer.
My mom is going through some kind of mid-life crisis. My sister told me she started crying the other day because she doesn't have a round pen to ride her horse around in... I love my mom, so so so much. But she might be losing her mind a little bit. 0o My uncle had a seizure on Sunday, and he's ok, but stuff like this always effects my mom a lot. And I don't think my dad is there for her very much. And she and my sister clash constantly.
Its so cold. And I'm still not tired. Its 5 am now. >_< Baaah.
I'm feeling better now. ^^; But I cant sleep.
Nick thinks the pains were because I've been eating too many mandrines. I'm not so sure about that one. I like them, but they're not the only thing I've been eating. So, I don't know. It freaks me out. Just a little. We were watching House eariler, though.
I've had a lot on my mind. A lot of depressing things. My little sister was in the Aubrun Christmas parade a week or two ago with her class. My mom and dad walked along side the float with her and my sister and I were in the crowd. Jenna was going to come by my house and we'd walk to the parade together. You know, a nice little family thing, probably go get dinner afterwards. I like that kind of stuff. But, my sister shows up at my house with a bottle of Malibu rum and a little bottle of cranberry juice. She empties out half the juice and fills it with the rum and says she's ready to go and no amount of disgust and pleading from me can get her to leave it. So we go down to the parade with her alcoholism. And it really just ruins the whole thing. It gets me really pissed off. I would have said something to my mom or dad, but they looked so happy. And I could tell they were happy we were there, too. And I just feel like my mom is always looking for something to be happy about these days. I couldn't take that away.
I haven't talked to my brother since he and his wife left for Minnesota in September. And I hate myself for that. But he and I neevr really talked to begin with. He can be a real ass hole and I don't know how to fight him when he talks like that. He's my mom and dad's gift from God, he can't do any wrong. He married the perfect woman, who both my parents adore. He graduated from Cal Poly. He's getting a successful job. He's just this model of perfection, and I can;t help but feel I'm being compared to him all the time. If that doesn't put a barrier between siblings, I don't know what will.
My parents like Nick, but I don't think they believe its going to be long term. Nick and I are perfectly happy. There's no reason for us to think we'l be anything but long term. I don't think my dad likes that he is liberal. And there was something he said, when nick and I had been dating for a few months that I don't think I'll ever forget. I was on the phone fighting with my dad because he was angry that I didn't want to go visit my sister in SF. I didn't want to go because I was sick of trying to bober her up, but my dad didn't knwo that. It turned into a lecture about being there for family and unconiditional love and I just started crying histerically into the phone. My dad can be really harsh, and he didn't see this as a reason to stop what he was saying, to him it just meant that his words were sinking in. So he goes on to say, "And this Nick guy. I dunno about him, he doesn't seem to care about his family..." and the rest kind of just blurred into something that was so off, I could hardly stand it. I don't know where my dad ever got this idea, but all I could think of was that he was looking for things not to like about Nick. And its completely not true. he loves his parents, but he's sick of living at hime as any 24 year old would. But I will neevr forget the way my dad said that. "This Nick guy." It was just so full of disgust. It makes me sick to think about it.
And all Nick ever worries about is weather or not my parents like him. After my brother's wedding, I could tell there was something on his mind. And he finally told me the other day what I had been suspecting. He wants to be successful, like my brother, so my parents will be proud. It tears me up to think about that, because I don't want him to feel he has to live up to any expectations but his own. He's amazingly talented and smart and creative. He and I are considering going to Humboldt or Chico soon and I told him my parents want me to go to Chico because its closer. That doesn't mean I'm going to do what they would prefer, because if I'd rather go to Humboldt then thats were I'm going to go. I always felt that Nick was leaning towards Humboldt but when I told him that he started to worry that my parents would think he's taking me away from them. I don't want him to choose Chico just because of that. I'd feel awful. And then I made the mistake of saying my parents don't hate Humboldt, they just thinks its a really liberal school. And then Nick looks at me and says, "They know I'm liberal, right?" And of course they do, and they don't care. At least my mom doesn't, and my dad knows better than to say anything if he does. But I know its going to be on Nick's mind now. I don't want him to have to worry about those things.
When I told my parents that Nick and I wanted to go to college together and live together, I told my mom first. My mom thought it was a great idea. She feels better knowing I'd be moving out with someone who'd be there for me if something happened. Then I told my dad. My dad looks at me as if he's goignt o blurt something out, he stops himself and says he'll have to talk to my mom first before he can say anything. He said he didn't want to say the wrong thing. I was furious. Of course he didn't like the idea. But instead of telling em that, he comes back to me a few days later and says, "Yes, I think its a good idea." Like he'd read it from a script. It was such a complete lack of respect for the fact that I was asking my father's opinion on something very important to me and he couldn't give me a truthful answer.
My mom is going through some kind of mid-life crisis. My sister told me she started crying the other day because she doesn't have a round pen to ride her horse around in... I love my mom, so so so much. But she might be losing her mind a little bit. 0o My uncle had a seizure on Sunday, and he's ok, but stuff like this always effects my mom a lot. And I don't think my dad is there for her very much. And she and my sister clash constantly.
Its so cold. And I'm still not tired. Its 5 am now. >_< Baaah.