So I should be doing my BMOS project
So first term of university is coming a close and I realize that I haven't mentioned it once.
I look back my past entries with a sense of value. They are my past. I can read any given memory and it will take me back to everything I felt at the time. -gushes-
So to ensure I remember some things, I have to write them down.
Huron has been a blast. Its so tempting not to skip.
Made some friends by being courageous and talking to random people in my classes.
Chris, my asian friend, in my economics and calc and BMOS.
Colleen, my first good friend, in my economics, philo and calc.
Then I met Bri and everything changed. Goodbye Colleen. It was like we were meant to be together.
Our first time hanging out we were like an old married couple. Best friends for years. Inseparable.
Then her good friend Kara and I became friends.
And I met a couple other randoms, like Katy.
Then I found out Bri and Kara were jewish.... but I overcame that and acted like it was normal (like wtf?!).
Danny from Halifax came to western this year!! And got into Huron rez!! So we hang a lot and him and Bri are awesome together. It's awesome.
I got involved with the school paper, the Grapevine. I started with a couple reviews, then an interview. Now I have my own regular column (Homo at the Theatre) where I critic a different musical every month. I worked my way up to Managing Editor and Chief of Advertising. Its a big responsibility. I'll be honest, I don't live up to it all the time and feel like I'm letting Laura and Fraser (two of the most awesome people in the world) down. I want to being a major influence in the magazine eventually. It's a big deal. There's nothing too taboo for us to tackle.
I've been involved with Pride Western too. It's fun, met lots of great people (Chase, Connor, Azim, Matt, Chris, Jamie, Thom, Kyle, Meghan and then some) I tried to date Connor a couple weeks back under the premise that I was over Ben. I definitely found out I wasn't and dating just brought everything back. Even after all the bullshit with Mike I still wasn't over him. And I had to tell Connor we couldn't keep dating and told him why and I felt like shit.
So I went to the root of the problem and realized that I had to talk to Ben and bring him back into my life to deal with him. And I did. And we talked. And although he has changed, and is more self-confident and is more mature and is more comfortable in his own skin and has been working out and looks awesome, he still doesn't know what he wants in his heart. Or if he doesn't, he is too afraid to listen.
And I've accepted that and everyday, I breath him out a little more with each breathe.
He's said things that directly imply he misses me and cherishes what we had and would want to be together. Then the next sentence he's a different person.
Nothing really has changed there.
That's a lie. I have.
And no matter what happends, I'll always know that I changed him.
That was the reason I dumped him all along.
I knew it was the only way he would change.
Ofcourse there were some other voices whispering in my ear, but the end result is an unselfish one.
Ben lost me, and was hurt, and he told me afterwards that the things I said (in response to him accusing me of cheating on him) really hit home. They made him feel worthless and low.
I feel horrible about that. I get my poison pen from my mother, goddamn her.
But he changed because of those words. Because of me.
And that's what's for the best isn't it?
(Okay he might have also lost sense of sexual morality. His words "when you need to be with someone because you've lost what you had and someone is there willing to love you, is that okay?" among other things I can't post. But good comes with bad.)
He's making a difference in his life for the positive, and that's what I wanted.
Even if I wasn't still part of his life.
That's love, isn't it?
Enough about Ben though, I know I can move on now. I'm sane again. He hasn't been on in a while and we aren't at the stage of phone convos again yet so that is positive. No interaction is exactly what I need. I'm moved on.
Fuck that, not enough about Ben! He was love at first sight. From the _very_ first sight. Sure that may sound shallow but it was. It was love at first conversation. Love at first touch. Everything was right for me. He admitted he didn't know how to show affection properly, and that he knows he was cruel to me.
I know I will have love at first sight again.
I know it.
I know it like I know Carolyn is a cum-guzzling whore.
NOW enough about Ben.
Term finals are coming up and I'm pretty confident. I have a business management project due at 7pm today that I'm about to start (no worries). And a different business project due on Wednesday. I might fail Calc but I'm a really good guesser so I should be fine!!
I'm seeing Wicked on Wednesday with Josh and some of his friends.
I'm becoming a lot closer with all of my friends. Him, Colin, Veronica (Chris and Tyler I'm already close with). Other little friendships are always growing.
The freedom in University is amazing compared to high school.
It really is. Incredible.
So much to do. It's what I always dreamed school should be.
It's what I was made for.
So here I go. Into December. Friends and family (and failures) around me. My mind and memories work in seasons, not months.
And winter is always my season of newness. A fresh slate. The ground is white and impressionable. New love (Steve and Ryan), new jobs (wal-mart), new beginnings.
Spring is always my season of anxiousness. Everything is growing, I yearn to grow along with it all. Anxious for love, summer, friends and accomplishment.
Summer is always my season of focus. Everything is living and in full bloom and I'm busy doing what I think is most important. Whether it be focused on creativity or work or Ben, its always very direct and narrow.
And fall. Fall is my worst season. Everything is on its way out. I fail at anything new I start. Everything dies in fall. My attempts to run away, my attempts of new love, my attempts of new work ethics. Down the shitter.
My poetry is doing well. I'm keeping a record on my facebook.
So Travis, when you look back at this and read this, remember Britni, you're loving man-stealing wife. Remember how good it feels to have just finished reading Wicked and to be going to see it on Wednesday.
Remember that exams are coming up and how much you want to see the fresh snow. You'll be free soon. Remember your new house, and how the long grooling renovations are finally coming to an end. You'll have a kitchen soon. Remember this overwhelming sense of freedom. Remember that you're writing this for you. For your legacy. Your memory.
Til next time Travis, don't worry about remembering, that's what this journal is for.
Just live.
I look back my past entries with a sense of value. They are my past. I can read any given memory and it will take me back to everything I felt at the time. -gushes-
So to ensure I remember some things, I have to write them down.
Huron has been a blast. Its so tempting not to skip.
Made some friends by being courageous and talking to random people in my classes.
Chris, my asian friend, in my economics and calc and BMOS.
Colleen, my first good friend, in my economics, philo and calc.
Then I met Bri and everything changed. Goodbye Colleen. It was like we were meant to be together.
Our first time hanging out we were like an old married couple. Best friends for years. Inseparable.
Then her good friend Kara and I became friends.
And I met a couple other randoms, like Katy.
Then I found out Bri and Kara were jewish.... but I overcame that and acted like it was normal (like wtf?!).
Danny from Halifax came to western this year!! And got into Huron rez!! So we hang a lot and him and Bri are awesome together. It's awesome.
I got involved with the school paper, the Grapevine. I started with a couple reviews, then an interview. Now I have my own regular column (Homo at the Theatre) where I critic a different musical every month. I worked my way up to Managing Editor and Chief of Advertising. Its a big responsibility. I'll be honest, I don't live up to it all the time and feel like I'm letting Laura and Fraser (two of the most awesome people in the world) down. I want to being a major influence in the magazine eventually. It's a big deal. There's nothing too taboo for us to tackle.
I've been involved with Pride Western too. It's fun, met lots of great people (Chase, Connor, Azim, Matt, Chris, Jamie, Thom, Kyle, Meghan and then some) I tried to date Connor a couple weeks back under the premise that I was over Ben. I definitely found out I wasn't and dating just brought everything back. Even after all the bullshit with Mike I still wasn't over him. And I had to tell Connor we couldn't keep dating and told him why and I felt like shit.
So I went to the root of the problem and realized that I had to talk to Ben and bring him back into my life to deal with him. And I did. And we talked. And although he has changed, and is more self-confident and is more mature and is more comfortable in his own skin and has been working out and looks awesome, he still doesn't know what he wants in his heart. Or if he doesn't, he is too afraid to listen.
And I've accepted that and everyday, I breath him out a little more with each breathe.
He's said things that directly imply he misses me and cherishes what we had and would want to be together. Then the next sentence he's a different person.
Nothing really has changed there.
That's a lie. I have.
And no matter what happends, I'll always know that I changed him.
That was the reason I dumped him all along.
I knew it was the only way he would change.
Ofcourse there were some other voices whispering in my ear, but the end result is an unselfish one.
Ben lost me, and was hurt, and he told me afterwards that the things I said (in response to him accusing me of cheating on him) really hit home. They made him feel worthless and low.
I feel horrible about that. I get my poison pen from my mother, goddamn her.
But he changed because of those words. Because of me.
And that's what's for the best isn't it?
(Okay he might have also lost sense of sexual morality. His words "when you need to be with someone because you've lost what you had and someone is there willing to love you, is that okay?" among other things I can't post. But good comes with bad.)
He's making a difference in his life for the positive, and that's what I wanted.
Even if I wasn't still part of his life.
That's love, isn't it?
Enough about Ben though, I know I can move on now. I'm sane again. He hasn't been on in a while and we aren't at the stage of phone convos again yet so that is positive. No interaction is exactly what I need. I'm moved on.
Fuck that, not enough about Ben! He was love at first sight. From the _very_ first sight. Sure that may sound shallow but it was. It was love at first conversation. Love at first touch. Everything was right for me. He admitted he didn't know how to show affection properly, and that he knows he was cruel to me.
I know I will have love at first sight again.
I know it.
I know it like I know Carolyn is a cum-guzzling whore.
NOW enough about Ben.
Term finals are coming up and I'm pretty confident. I have a business management project due at 7pm today that I'm about to start (no worries). And a different business project due on Wednesday. I might fail Calc but I'm a really good guesser so I should be fine!!
I'm seeing Wicked on Wednesday with Josh and some of his friends.
I'm becoming a lot closer with all of my friends. Him, Colin, Veronica (Chris and Tyler I'm already close with). Other little friendships are always growing.
The freedom in University is amazing compared to high school.
It really is. Incredible.
So much to do. It's what I always dreamed school should be.
It's what I was made for.
So here I go. Into December. Friends and family (and failures) around me. My mind and memories work in seasons, not months.
And winter is always my season of newness. A fresh slate. The ground is white and impressionable. New love (Steve and Ryan), new jobs (wal-mart), new beginnings.
Spring is always my season of anxiousness. Everything is growing, I yearn to grow along with it all. Anxious for love, summer, friends and accomplishment.
Summer is always my season of focus. Everything is living and in full bloom and I'm busy doing what I think is most important. Whether it be focused on creativity or work or Ben, its always very direct and narrow.
And fall. Fall is my worst season. Everything is on its way out. I fail at anything new I start. Everything dies in fall. My attempts to run away, my attempts of new love, my attempts of new work ethics. Down the shitter.
My poetry is doing well. I'm keeping a record on my facebook.
So Travis, when you look back at this and read this, remember Britni, you're loving man-stealing wife. Remember how good it feels to have just finished reading Wicked and to be going to see it on Wednesday.
Remember that exams are coming up and how much you want to see the fresh snow. You'll be free soon. Remember your new house, and how the long grooling renovations are finally coming to an end. You'll have a kitchen soon. Remember this overwhelming sense of freedom. Remember that you're writing this for you. For your legacy. Your memory.
Til next time Travis, don't worry about remembering, that's what this journal is for.
Just live.