Without A Paddle
i think i know what my problem is. i let everything build up. i put on an act. yes. i admit. i put on a god damn act to make everyone think i am happy. when in reality, everything is building up inside of me. all of my frustrations, depressions, and the whole lot... everything i dont want everyone to kno that happens to me. i dont want them to know all of my problems. i like my happy problem-less side better. so i automatically assume everyone else would like that side a whole lot better too. i really am a happy person, but again when everything gets built up, i cant talk to anyone cuz im afraid i will snap. i know i will. the tiniest things bother me. well.. the things that bother me all the time bother me to the extent that i want to shoot whoever is disturbing me. also, i hate when ppl dump there problems on me. dont get me wrong, i love to help whenever i can, but when im having one of these days.. or weeks.. or w/e and ppl come to me with all this crap that i cant take, it doesnt help. i kno its no ones but my fault. because i dont want ppl to kno about it. afraid ill do the very thing i dont want done to me. i hate it.
obviously
today would be one of those days. one of the days where i swear to the good lord if i had access to something, and if i was that kind of person, i would hurt kaley. if i didnt have the burden of being the angel in the family, i would have punched her. honest to god, she would walk in the room and she would have bruises all over her damn body.
where i would scream at my little sister because not one fucking day goes by with out her crying becuz "maddy looked at me" or "she just swiped the marker from me"
where i would throw the hfsjhf brand new computer on the groun because of all the god damned pop ups.
where i would slam the door on my favorite persons fingers becaus ehe asked to borrow money.
where i would scream at my own beloved mother because she yells at me to get my brother his money, the second after i told him he oculd go in my room and get it himself, and i kno for a fact the only reason she yelled was because she was on the phone with her friend, whose husband was in the driveway picking up my brother,
where i would refuse to read a piece of paper at the cemetary on the anniversary of my grabdpas death.
where i would scream at my best friend for ditching me
again
where i would tell my dad no to puttin the stupid cover on the pool.
where i would actually say i hate my life. when i kno the next day i would regret it.
if only i wasnt expected to be the little angel. every single one of those things would have been done today. and..with great pleasure.
i dont think i will survive these last 8 days with kaley. i need her out of ths house. i need her out of my room. i need her OUT. and away from the family. i swear when she is gone my life will be so much better
im sick of living around her
im sick of her crap all over my room
im sick of her hanging out with my friends
im sick of her flirting with every god damned guy she runs into. weather hes 14 or 35. u can count on her to flash her boobs their way and make sure they stare.
im sick of her.
i wish i could spend these last 8 days OUT of this house. just to get away from her. oh that owuld be the life.
madelyn
i kno she cant help it. she cant help that she was born with disabilities.
she cant help that she stopped respondin to her medicines.
she cant help the mood swings
she cant help any of it.
i love her more than anyone. shes my favorite person on this planet. but sometimes i need a break. i cant have her kicking and screaming and hitting and crying around me all the time. i cant take it anymore
samantha
dear god
she cries about everything
and nothing
all at the same time. she interupted me, when she was the only one talking. she took it away, when she handed it to her, she hit me, shen she purposly ran into her hand
parents
need i say more?
the day.
did not help at all
its been a year since my grandpa died. brings backmemories from last summer. it was possibly the worst summer i have ever had. yr before highskool going into highskool with a ton of new ppl. only knew 4 ppl who i hated, then there was dom, who i wasnt even friends with. but i knew he would help. knowing that the best friend anyone could ever have wasnt coming to highskool with me. i never thought id survive with out liz. she was seriously half of me. then my grandpa being so sick. going to the hospital all the time to see him slowly fading away. then brought to his house, to see him fade away even more in his own bed. then it got to the point where my dad wasnt home ever cuz he was at my gparents house, helping feed my grabdpa cuz he couldnt do it on his own. going out with matt. i swear i liked him so much, and idk what happened, he started being an ass and i didnt get why, he was so sweet to me all the time, and he just was.. dumb. idk....then me having breakdowns at 3 in the morning when i needed someone to talk to so bad, but like i could call someone at 3 am? ya right. and my aim not working. then the night my dad came into my room when i was reading for skool. telling me he was going to my grandpas and all of his bros and sisters were gonna go. the nurse just called saying he had less than 24 hours. i was in shock, my dad left the room and i couldnt breathe, i was so scared. i didnt kno what to do. i was determined that i was going to pray so hard that he would live. then i hadda call matt an dbreak up with him, and he was an ass about it, when i needed someone more than anythig at that time.
that was the sumer where he quit coming to all the sporting stuff. and all i could think about was now, that i was goin into high skool, where sports were a heck of a lot more important than grade skoool...and he wsnt gonna see one game. i remember i made this like awesome catch playin sofball and i made a double play, that was the last game he was at. he had his brother bring him to the game, and it was so sad to see him there and he couldnt walk without help. after the game he gave me ahug and told me how good i was( the only one who ever recognizes that)then my mom told me when i made the double play he cried. which made mecry. which made my mom cry. like crying dominos. crazy. but i miss it. i miss seeing him there and giving me pointers, and hearing all the stories that start out.."when i was a kid..."
so we spent the evening at the cemetary, with the grand ol family.
grandpa-i miss you, no one will understand how much you meant to me an dhow much you inspired me to do the things i really want to do. when everyone else didnt recognize it, or would put me down. you are forever missed and will never be forgotten.i love you.
ps.if i can figure it out, i will probably write one more entry, then make the rest friends only. krys, ur prolly the one im gonna come to for help cuz ur like the pro at lj--:)
obviously
today would be one of those days. one of the days where i swear to the good lord if i had access to something, and if i was that kind of person, i would hurt kaley. if i didnt have the burden of being the angel in the family, i would have punched her. honest to god, she would walk in the room and she would have bruises all over her damn body.
where i would scream at my little sister because not one fucking day goes by with out her crying becuz "maddy looked at me" or "she just swiped the marker from me"
where i would throw the hfsjhf brand new computer on the groun because of all the god damned pop ups.
where i would slam the door on my favorite persons fingers becaus ehe asked to borrow money.
where i would scream at my own beloved mother because she yells at me to get my brother his money, the second after i told him he oculd go in my room and get it himself, and i kno for a fact the only reason she yelled was because she was on the phone with her friend, whose husband was in the driveway picking up my brother,
where i would refuse to read a piece of paper at the cemetary on the anniversary of my grabdpas death.
where i would scream at my best friend for ditching me
again
where i would tell my dad no to puttin the stupid cover on the pool.
where i would actually say i hate my life. when i kno the next day i would regret it.
if only i wasnt expected to be the little angel. every single one of those things would have been done today. and..with great pleasure.
i dont think i will survive these last 8 days with kaley. i need her out of ths house. i need her out of my room. i need her OUT. and away from the family. i swear when she is gone my life will be so much better
im sick of living around her
im sick of her crap all over my room
im sick of her hanging out with my friends
im sick of her flirting with every god damned guy she runs into. weather hes 14 or 35. u can count on her to flash her boobs their way and make sure they stare.
im sick of her.
i wish i could spend these last 8 days OUT of this house. just to get away from her. oh that owuld be the life.
madelyn
i kno she cant help it. she cant help that she was born with disabilities.
she cant help that she stopped respondin to her medicines.
she cant help the mood swings
she cant help any of it.
i love her more than anyone. shes my favorite person on this planet. but sometimes i need a break. i cant have her kicking and screaming and hitting and crying around me all the time. i cant take it anymore
samantha
dear god
she cries about everything
and nothing
all at the same time. she interupted me, when she was the only one talking. she took it away, when she handed it to her, she hit me, shen she purposly ran into her hand
parents
need i say more?
the day.
did not help at all
its been a year since my grandpa died. brings backmemories from last summer. it was possibly the worst summer i have ever had. yr before highskool going into highskool with a ton of new ppl. only knew 4 ppl who i hated, then there was dom, who i wasnt even friends with. but i knew he would help. knowing that the best friend anyone could ever have wasnt coming to highskool with me. i never thought id survive with out liz. she was seriously half of me. then my grandpa being so sick. going to the hospital all the time to see him slowly fading away. then brought to his house, to see him fade away even more in his own bed. then it got to the point where my dad wasnt home ever cuz he was at my gparents house, helping feed my grabdpa cuz he couldnt do it on his own. going out with matt. i swear i liked him so much, and idk what happened, he started being an ass and i didnt get why, he was so sweet to me all the time, and he just was.. dumb. idk....then me having breakdowns at 3 in the morning when i needed someone to talk to so bad, but like i could call someone at 3 am? ya right. and my aim not working. then the night my dad came into my room when i was reading for skool. telling me he was going to my grandpas and all of his bros and sisters were gonna go. the nurse just called saying he had less than 24 hours. i was in shock, my dad left the room and i couldnt breathe, i was so scared. i didnt kno what to do. i was determined that i was going to pray so hard that he would live. then i hadda call matt an dbreak up with him, and he was an ass about it, when i needed someone more than anythig at that time.
that was the sumer where he quit coming to all the sporting stuff. and all i could think about was now, that i was goin into high skool, where sports were a heck of a lot more important than grade skoool...and he wsnt gonna see one game. i remember i made this like awesome catch playin sofball and i made a double play, that was the last game he was at. he had his brother bring him to the game, and it was so sad to see him there and he couldnt walk without help. after the game he gave me ahug and told me how good i was( the only one who ever recognizes that)then my mom told me when i made the double play he cried. which made mecry. which made my mom cry. like crying dominos. crazy. but i miss it. i miss seeing him there and giving me pointers, and hearing all the stories that start out.."when i was a kid..."
so we spent the evening at the cemetary, with the grand ol family.
grandpa-i miss you, no one will understand how much you meant to me an dhow much you inspired me to do the things i really want to do. when everyone else didnt recognize it, or would put me down. you are forever missed and will never be forgotten.i love you.
ps.if i can figure it out, i will probably write one more entry, then make the rest friends only. krys, ur prolly the one im gonna come to for help cuz ur like the pro at lj--:)