I went to comment to james' post, however I apparently had too much to say...
I have the bitter taste of burnt, stale cigarette in my mouth, from trying to get over the shock of what has happened to me in the last couple of weeks, in smoking probably 3 cartons since you left...
I was reminiscing about some things in the past with a close friend last night. And I remembered something I had pushed so far out of my memories. It struck me like a bolt of lighting. All of a sudden I was back in the scene, like time was reversed for me; I was trying to pack...I had been trying to pack for about five days and had gotten nothing done. You were dragging your heels so much in those last couple weeks. I tried and tried to get your help with things getting packed, but nothing...just arguing. All day, every day. Then finally I asked you one last time to get up and out of bed for me so you could help. You refused...nothing new, I had expected it really. So I got up and started. Needless to say I was upset, I thought you should have to help me and not be so concerned with your priorities...which was getting up when you were good and ready, messing around on your computer, and making sure that you had sufficient time with video games that day.
So I started cleaning out the closet, doing things my way and getting it all done with. Then you got out of bed and started typing on your pc after about 15 minutes, you went and got cleaned up and started doing things your way (our ways were always very different with these kind of things) with packing. I had enough, I didn't want this arguing and bickering over nothingness anymore. I had already made up my mind on getting it done, done my way, without your help. "I can take care of it myself." I said. And you went, with a big, arrogant smile on your face, to your pc again. and said, "I knew you were going to say that. cause I know how you are, you just want me to be up so you can bitch at me..." The speech was long. and you proceeded to tell me what it was that you had written when you first got up. It was almost word for word of everything you and I had been saying. It was so cutting, it cut straight through me and I started to cry. It was right about then that you had a bigger smile, and your face turned to pure hatred (as soon as you saw the tears). You then started in at yelling me every wrong that you felt I had ever done you. You cursed me, and screamed at me, as the tears just ran down my face. You paced back and forth, screaming about 2 inches from my face, and around to the back of me to scream down the back of my neck. The screaming and yelling went on for at least a half an hour, all the while I stood silent with a steady stream of tears flowing.
When you finally let up, and callously stormed back to your laptop to continue doing your favorite morning ritual of checking emails, checking the latest web comics, and probably checking to see if Johanna had sent you anything fun. I stood silent for a while. I didn't know what to do, with the tears still coming. I turned around to the kitchen, slid down the wall, and eventually collapsed on the floor in a heap. I remained there, sobbing and crying for...god knows how long, not knowing what to do and having all the wind taken out of my sails for doing something constructive that day...and I really don't know or remember what happened next. I do know I was in a daze for some time. But the rest of the day is still blurry in my memory.
I don't expect you to remember this story very clearly. You never did quite remember the things you had done or said very clearly when you became so mean to me. It was like you had two different personalities, one that was a very loving and caring person, not just to me, but a great friend to many. The other personality was hateful, and vindictive, and held on to every grudge. It seems that you were wanting to become the latter personality, and shove away any sensitive feelings that might cause you emotional harm...like a way of protecting yourself. I can't live like this, it's mentally abusive. And very hurtful to anybody thats close and cares about you. I always wanted the very best for you. heh, I loved you. But you told me months ago that you weren't going to do this to anyone again, that if we didn't work out you couldn't bare running someone else through this again. "Because I can't stand to see you cry, and I know it's my fault. There is No way that I could even think of putting someone else through this again, especially not someone I love, or may love in the future"
I have loved you, with all my heart even. I would have done almost anything for you, anything that I would've thought that would be good for you. But that line between love and hate is much too close, and right now I hate you...I hate you a bunch. I will never regret having that relationship with you. There was some that was very good, and there was some that was very bad. I hope and pray you can come to terms with all that surrounds you, and come to an understanding of what parts of you bite you in the ass in the end, because no one will suffer for these atrocities more than you.
I however, will always want the very best for you, (it's in my personality) and it is time for me to move on in my life. I will no longer hold myself accountable for the hatred I feel inside me. I can now see that one day soon I will be able to do the laundry, go to bed when I need to, get up to be with my son, apply for a job, go to school, and over all make something of myself and my life. I am not holding on to the past or you anymore.
Remember though, you said that you would do anything in your power to not lose me as a friend in your life. I told you the stipulations I have with that, and I will hold true to my word. Honesty, that was, and is, the key. I need to have trust in anyone I refer to as my friend. And you replied with that you would continue to do everything you could to win back my trust.
Things will never be the way they were between us, our innocents has been lost, and this has forever changed me. I hope you never forget this and the other things you have done. It is only in learning from our past that we can move on to a better future.
I was reminiscing about some things in the past with a close friend last night. And I remembered something I had pushed so far out of my memories. It struck me like a bolt of lighting. All of a sudden I was back in the scene, like time was reversed for me; I was trying to pack...I had been trying to pack for about five days and had gotten nothing done. You were dragging your heels so much in those last couple weeks. I tried and tried to get your help with things getting packed, but nothing...just arguing. All day, every day. Then finally I asked you one last time to get up and out of bed for me so you could help. You refused...nothing new, I had expected it really. So I got up and started. Needless to say I was upset, I thought you should have to help me and not be so concerned with your priorities...which was getting up when you were good and ready, messing around on your computer, and making sure that you had sufficient time with video games that day.
So I started cleaning out the closet, doing things my way and getting it all done with. Then you got out of bed and started typing on your pc after about 15 minutes, you went and got cleaned up and started doing things your way (our ways were always very different with these kind of things) with packing. I had enough, I didn't want this arguing and bickering over nothingness anymore. I had already made up my mind on getting it done, done my way, without your help. "I can take care of it myself." I said. And you went, with a big, arrogant smile on your face, to your pc again. and said, "I knew you were going to say that. cause I know how you are, you just want me to be up so you can bitch at me..." The speech was long. and you proceeded to tell me what it was that you had written when you first got up. It was almost word for word of everything you and I had been saying. It was so cutting, it cut straight through me and I started to cry. It was right about then that you had a bigger smile, and your face turned to pure hatred (as soon as you saw the tears). You then started in at yelling me every wrong that you felt I had ever done you. You cursed me, and screamed at me, as the tears just ran down my face. You paced back and forth, screaming about 2 inches from my face, and around to the back of me to scream down the back of my neck. The screaming and yelling went on for at least a half an hour, all the while I stood silent with a steady stream of tears flowing.
When you finally let up, and callously stormed back to your laptop to continue doing your favorite morning ritual of checking emails, checking the latest web comics, and probably checking to see if Johanna had sent you anything fun. I stood silent for a while. I didn't know what to do, with the tears still coming. I turned around to the kitchen, slid down the wall, and eventually collapsed on the floor in a heap. I remained there, sobbing and crying for...god knows how long, not knowing what to do and having all the wind taken out of my sails for doing something constructive that day...and I really don't know or remember what happened next. I do know I was in a daze for some time. But the rest of the day is still blurry in my memory.
I don't expect you to remember this story very clearly. You never did quite remember the things you had done or said very clearly when you became so mean to me. It was like you had two different personalities, one that was a very loving and caring person, not just to me, but a great friend to many. The other personality was hateful, and vindictive, and held on to every grudge. It seems that you were wanting to become the latter personality, and shove away any sensitive feelings that might cause you emotional harm...like a way of protecting yourself. I can't live like this, it's mentally abusive. And very hurtful to anybody thats close and cares about you. I always wanted the very best for you. heh, I loved you. But you told me months ago that you weren't going to do this to anyone again, that if we didn't work out you couldn't bare running someone else through this again. "Because I can't stand to see you cry, and I know it's my fault. There is No way that I could even think of putting someone else through this again, especially not someone I love, or may love in the future"
I have loved you, with all my heart even. I would have done almost anything for you, anything that I would've thought that would be good for you. But that line between love and hate is much too close, and right now I hate you...I hate you a bunch. I will never regret having that relationship with you. There was some that was very good, and there was some that was very bad. I hope and pray you can come to terms with all that surrounds you, and come to an understanding of what parts of you bite you in the ass in the end, because no one will suffer for these atrocities more than you.
I however, will always want the very best for you, (it's in my personality) and it is time for me to move on in my life. I will no longer hold myself accountable for the hatred I feel inside me. I can now see that one day soon I will be able to do the laundry, go to bed when I need to, get up to be with my son, apply for a job, go to school, and over all make something of myself and my life. I am not holding on to the past or you anymore.
Remember though, you said that you would do anything in your power to not lose me as a friend in your life. I told you the stipulations I have with that, and I will hold true to my word. Honesty, that was, and is, the key. I need to have trust in anyone I refer to as my friend. And you replied with that you would continue to do everything you could to win back my trust.
Things will never be the way they were between us, our innocents has been lost, and this has forever changed me. I hope you never forget this and the other things you have done. It is only in learning from our past that we can move on to a better future.