(no subject)
I wish you could be everything I’d hoped you’d be. Because I do love you. For once I am certain of something, once it no longer matters. Is it pity? Is that what keeps bringing me back to those familiar thoughts? But how could I possibly pity someone I envied for so long; someone so strong, so confident, so secure. But you aren’t anymore. You are someone entirely new and unfamiliar to me. Life would be so much easier if you were magically the man I always knew you could be, and if I were the woman your heart still wants to see. But just as you are not he, I am certainly not she. So there it stands. Here we are again. Where we’ve always been. Something that never really existed, but always seemed so real. We were magic. Something intangible floating in the air filling our lungs with the sweet intoxication of lust and comfort. But the enchantment is gone, faded and washed away as we come to see who we truly are. Funny how even though I know you are certainly not the man I always tied to your name, I still love you. I will always. No ill thoughts, no tainted views, just appreciation for what we were by never really being, for how you made me feel, for how I imagined I made you feel. You are the rush through my veins, the quickening of my pulse, and the awakening of everything within me. What we were can’t be explained or measured. I’ve stopped trying to equate it to the simple things that everyone else experiences. We were unique, indescribable and fabulous beyond reason. You and I know, as no one else ever will, and that connection is what kept our little flame burning so long. So now I just look back on the ashes and smile. I only take good thoughts and good memories with me as I enter this new phase of my life. My first phase without you. And I’m only stronger because of it, because of you. So my point in this sappy recollection of everything that once was is simply to say thank you. Thank you for being such a huge part of who I am. Without knowing it, you’ve shaped so much of how I approach the world, and there will never be a time when you completely escape my mind. Because now, tomorrow, forever, even though it may never be expressed, or even said, I love you.