Piss or get off the pot!
So, my father had another run in with Meth last weekend. This time he has landed himself in the hospital with liver failure, a kidney stone, withdrawals, and negative repercussions from his AIDS virus. The one thing I dont understand is how a person who is already sick would keep doing this to themselves. Im at wits end with this issue. I cant keep expecting him to live if he doesnt want to be here. He keeps saying that he wants to die. I figured I would just let him now.
While he was down there he was husseled, robbed, and Im assuming got alittle banged up. My sister had to pick him up in South Beach because he couldnt make it back on his own. My sister's heart is very broken. He's still not talking to Joshua and this upsets him because he cant live with guilt if Dad dies before they ever made amends. What sucks even more is that we have to get permission from my father's best-friend Patty for my brother to see his own father. I ALMOST cant deal.
My panic attacks are growing worse at night. As soon as I lay my head down and my mind starts running, I feel like I cant breath. When I realize I cant breath I panic more that offsets a vicious cycle which usually ends with me sitting on the toilet with my head in between my knees just praying for it all to stop. I pray for this all to stop. I pray for this all to stop.
I cried my eyes out yesterday. I received this news while drunk at Chili's 2-4-1 with Stacey and Jen. I thank God for them being there because only someone who isnt immediately involved would have the courage to tell the backbone of the family that is, in fact, okay to cry.
I feel guilty because I know he has hardened my heart. Ive heard stories from friends who say this will happen. There comes a time when you just cant cry for someone else's problems anymore; FAMILY OR NOT! Last week when he and I had dinner he broke out his insurance papers and made me sign a whole bunch documents stating I was sole benficiary of the estate and the power of attorney. I explained to him that giving me this task might not be a good idea because if it comes down to it I will let him go. I know he wants to go and to prevent me from having guilt backlash when this happens I decided it was a good thing to let him know what my intentions would be. Of course I dont want him to die but if he doesnt go soon I fear I might be first. If I dont stay strong I know I will lose myself.
I believe there comes a time in everyone's life where they face a certain judgement day, so to speak. It happens whenever you fumble and walk down the wrong path. You know you are on the wrong path- you can still see the right path- and yet you neglect what you know is right and choose to continue your lessons. God always sends helpers. They are disguised as friends, livejournal buddies, guidance counselors, bosses, and anyone else who takes an interest in your betterment. This is when you decide to piss or get off the pot. If you choose to get off the pot, why should anyone feel bad for you? We all were conceived the same way. We are all born the same way. We all live on the same planet with similar trials and tribulations. What makes anyone feel that if everyone has to obey the same rules and ideals of betterment, they are any different? There are stories going back centuries of people who countries turn on them, they were cheated on, they became addicted to drugs, or lost a loved one. It all boils down this... No matter what your trial or struggle is, all humans have the SAME option- PISS OR GET OFF THE POT!
" It could be worse. I couldve missed my calling. Sometimes it hurts but, when you read the writing on the wall... you cant cry anymore" - Sheryl Crow
While he was down there he was husseled, robbed, and Im assuming got alittle banged up. My sister had to pick him up in South Beach because he couldnt make it back on his own. My sister's heart is very broken. He's still not talking to Joshua and this upsets him because he cant live with guilt if Dad dies before they ever made amends. What sucks even more is that we have to get permission from my father's best-friend Patty for my brother to see his own father. I ALMOST cant deal.
My panic attacks are growing worse at night. As soon as I lay my head down and my mind starts running, I feel like I cant breath. When I realize I cant breath I panic more that offsets a vicious cycle which usually ends with me sitting on the toilet with my head in between my knees just praying for it all to stop. I pray for this all to stop. I pray for this all to stop.
I cried my eyes out yesterday. I received this news while drunk at Chili's 2-4-1 with Stacey and Jen. I thank God for them being there because only someone who isnt immediately involved would have the courage to tell the backbone of the family that is, in fact, okay to cry.
I feel guilty because I know he has hardened my heart. Ive heard stories from friends who say this will happen. There comes a time when you just cant cry for someone else's problems anymore; FAMILY OR NOT! Last week when he and I had dinner he broke out his insurance papers and made me sign a whole bunch documents stating I was sole benficiary of the estate and the power of attorney. I explained to him that giving me this task might not be a good idea because if it comes down to it I will let him go. I know he wants to go and to prevent me from having guilt backlash when this happens I decided it was a good thing to let him know what my intentions would be. Of course I dont want him to die but if he doesnt go soon I fear I might be first. If I dont stay strong I know I will lose myself.
I believe there comes a time in everyone's life where they face a certain judgement day, so to speak. It happens whenever you fumble and walk down the wrong path. You know you are on the wrong path- you can still see the right path- and yet you neglect what you know is right and choose to continue your lessons. God always sends helpers. They are disguised as friends, livejournal buddies, guidance counselors, bosses, and anyone else who takes an interest in your betterment. This is when you decide to piss or get off the pot. If you choose to get off the pot, why should anyone feel bad for you? We all were conceived the same way. We are all born the same way. We all live on the same planet with similar trials and tribulations. What makes anyone feel that if everyone has to obey the same rules and ideals of betterment, they are any different? There are stories going back centuries of people who countries turn on them, they were cheated on, they became addicted to drugs, or lost a loved one. It all boils down this... No matter what your trial or struggle is, all humans have the SAME option- PISS OR GET OFF THE POT!
" It could be worse. I couldve missed my calling. Sometimes it hurts but, when you read the writing on the wall... you cant cry anymore" - Sheryl Crow