(no subject)
so anyone want to read a short story based almost entirely in fact?? Be prepared to read what i've been thinking/going through these past couple days post-breakup.
I keep waiting for him to call me. I keep waiting for an email, a text, a letter, a skywriting… something. But I know its not going to happen. Its been a month. A month of pretending everything is OK. A month of smiles on my lips, but not in my eyes. A month of tears. A month of lies. I lie to my friends. I lie to my family. Mainly, I lie to myself.
Everything is OK. I keep repeating. Its over. You’re happy its over. This is what you wanted. But I’m not, and I think now I realize it’s not. I wasn’t prepared. I really wasn’t. Can I ever be prepared to loose someone I love? I doubt it. It’s just something that happens to everyone. I know it is.
But why me? Why now? I really thought I might break the mold and have this one last forever… but it never does. I’ve seen it happen hundreds of other times to other people, but never to myself… until now. I never let myself get in too deep. I never let myself get too close to someone.
And now still I never let anyone see me cry, except him… and even then was only once, maybe twice. Maybe that’s why everyone thinks I’m fine. Maybe that’s why everyone thinks they can shove their single friends at me, say we look cute and hope for a date.
I don’t want that. I don’t want to date. I don’t want to start everything over. I don’t want someone new. I want someone I already know. I want someone who already knows me. I want what I had. But the more I think about it the more I want what I had before it all went to hell. Way back before he changed. Way back before I changed because he changed.
At least that’s the way that I see it. I’m sure his friends know an entirely different story. I’m sure to them I’m a fat bitch who didn’t deserve to sit in the same room with them. Fuck them and their high horses.
Fuck it. I don’t want them. They’re half the reason it ended anyway. But God damnit I still want him. I can’t help it. I close my eyes and I see him. My mind wanders for even a half a second and I can think of half a dozen things we did together. I lay down in bed and I can feel him next to me. I can feel the warmth of his arm just like its next to me. And just like that I drift to sleep… and dream even more of him.
Lately its been that bad. I was fine for a little while. I could picture myself with someone new. I could picture myself with someone who was more attractive, who was more in tune with my needs, and who was mine even just for one night.
But then it snuck up on me. I wanted him back. I wanted him to touch me again. I wanted him to kiss me again. I wanted to fall asleep next to him again. I wanted to just be with him again.
But I know I shouldn’t want these things. Why should I be with someone who ignored me? Why should I be with someone who dismissed me? Why should I be with someone who didn’t even want to spend time with me in the end?
I shouldn’t.
Keep thinking these things. I tell myself again. This is what you should be doing. Get mad. Fuck sadness.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea, right? There’s plenty of men who would want to date me, who would want to see me naked, and who won’t ignore me and who won’t treat me like shit. Right? Please someone tell me they’re out there. I just feel like they’re not… at least not the ones I like.
It took me so long to find him that I just don’t think I can handle waiting that long again. It sounds childish, and I never thought that I would be that type of person who wasn’t fine on their own but that’s what I feel like.
And sadly very few people can fill the hole that has been dug in my heart. There one person I know who can… but he won’t.
And I’m too proud to ask him too.
At the same time, I don’t think he deserves to fill it back up. He doesn’t deserve to love me again, not after what he put me through.
I keep waiting for him to call me. I keep waiting for an email, a text, a letter, a skywriting… something. But I know its not going to happen. Its been a month. A month of pretending everything is OK. A month of smiles on my lips, but not in my eyes. A month of tears. A month of lies. I lie to my friends. I lie to my family. Mainly, I lie to myself.
Everything is OK. I keep repeating. Its over. You’re happy its over. This is what you wanted. But I’m not, and I think now I realize it’s not. I wasn’t prepared. I really wasn’t. Can I ever be prepared to loose someone I love? I doubt it. It’s just something that happens to everyone. I know it is.
But why me? Why now? I really thought I might break the mold and have this one last forever… but it never does. I’ve seen it happen hundreds of other times to other people, but never to myself… until now. I never let myself get in too deep. I never let myself get too close to someone.
And now still I never let anyone see me cry, except him… and even then was only once, maybe twice. Maybe that’s why everyone thinks I’m fine. Maybe that’s why everyone thinks they can shove their single friends at me, say we look cute and hope for a date.
I don’t want that. I don’t want to date. I don’t want to start everything over. I don’t want someone new. I want someone I already know. I want someone who already knows me. I want what I had. But the more I think about it the more I want what I had before it all went to hell. Way back before he changed. Way back before I changed because he changed.
At least that’s the way that I see it. I’m sure his friends know an entirely different story. I’m sure to them I’m a fat bitch who didn’t deserve to sit in the same room with them. Fuck them and their high horses.
Fuck it. I don’t want them. They’re half the reason it ended anyway. But God damnit I still want him. I can’t help it. I close my eyes and I see him. My mind wanders for even a half a second and I can think of half a dozen things we did together. I lay down in bed and I can feel him next to me. I can feel the warmth of his arm just like its next to me. And just like that I drift to sleep… and dream even more of him.
Lately its been that bad. I was fine for a little while. I could picture myself with someone new. I could picture myself with someone who was more attractive, who was more in tune with my needs, and who was mine even just for one night.
But then it snuck up on me. I wanted him back. I wanted him to touch me again. I wanted him to kiss me again. I wanted to fall asleep next to him again. I wanted to just be with him again.
But I know I shouldn’t want these things. Why should I be with someone who ignored me? Why should I be with someone who dismissed me? Why should I be with someone who didn’t even want to spend time with me in the end?
I shouldn’t.
Keep thinking these things. I tell myself again. This is what you should be doing. Get mad. Fuck sadness.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea, right? There’s plenty of men who would want to date me, who would want to see me naked, and who won’t ignore me and who won’t treat me like shit. Right? Please someone tell me they’re out there. I just feel like they’re not… at least not the ones I like.
It took me so long to find him that I just don’t think I can handle waiting that long again. It sounds childish, and I never thought that I would be that type of person who wasn’t fine on their own but that’s what I feel like.
And sadly very few people can fill the hole that has been dug in my heart. There one person I know who can… but he won’t.
And I’m too proud to ask him too.
At the same time, I don’t think he deserves to fill it back up. He doesn’t deserve to love me again, not after what he put me through.