(no subject)
I'm sitting here and I was in the shower and the water going from hot to cold every two seconds started to really piss me off. It's the weekend. I have to get ready to go to my sisters and try and wake up and all I want to do in there is scream out to a few people :
"Go fuck yourselves. You've backstabbed a friend and you don't care. You've got what you wanted and don't care what it cost to get it. YOU RUINED A FEW LIVES is what you did to get it and don't care. You always complain, you're always hiding, and you're all hating with me because of what? Because I'm blunt, straight forward. Pissed off I am but you don't realise that when I was nice for so long you walked all over me and I wasn't heard. How many times did I hear 'but you never say anything' and then finally when i'm blunt and forward you get pissed. 'go to hell and enjoy rotting there' give me back my life, give me what is mine and leave me to live they way i've always wanted to live. I've paid my tole, i've done my suffering give me what is left you have and leave so i may finally live happily. so that when i am happy you don't come around and ruin it, so that when i'm trying to sleep the nightmares will go away and i will sleep them 6+ hours at night i need. go away and if you want to come back into my life come back later when you've realised what you've been and even then..."
something is bottled up... it's bugging me a lot... mostly i think it's because one piece of my mail ended up at Miro's and i have no fucking idea what it is and Brian STILL hasn't gone to get it or sent it to me. He emailed me on Nov 2nd that he needed my address to forward it to me and i answered within seconds of him sending it to me a little reluctantly but what is driving me fucking insane is i changed all my addresses on my stuff but my licence so nothing from the bank should have gone there... and it's over a week and a 1/2 and he still hasn't gone to get it... pretty much i'm thinking if he had no intention of getting the damn thing within a normal time frame he should have waited to get my address till he decided to make that 2 second stop at Miros on his way home to get it. or he could have passed my fucking address to him...
honestly if i knew this was the life this was leading me to... i would have never gone with it, i would have stepped down right away and left it as friends before he ever made it to college... i thought him being older then me he knew what he wanted and was at a similar mind frame and age, if i knew his family was going to be so much influence on everything i would have never ever stayed around... i should have left with Jamie in my 2nd year in college ... but then i sit thinking...
someones right, it all happens for a reason... if this didn't happen i would have never made it eventually to Toronto... if this didn't happen nothing would have got Zab and I so close together. I had, as Zab says it, jerks in my life but it finally took this one to get us to realise there is more there for us and between eachother and we need family more then anything else and that me and her need eachother more then we care to admit it..... man to think how much i was there for her as a kid and growing up before we left to school... i was so strong for her, always there hugging her in hard times, drying away her tears... now she was the one here for me so many times in the last 4 months drying my tears when she knew what i was doing and wouldn't let me hide away again.... I sit here now thinking that i hope my face doesn't look like shit when she calls me saying suppers ready (as i try away some tears)
..... i think as selfishly as it is, if it wasn't for Norm passing away I would have never gone north again till Christmas.. Now I'm making my 2nd trip there soon to see friends. There isn't many people in my life that know and seen me go through so much. There isn't many friends that are there for me and see my massive mood swings... but there is one more person that knows some secrets and made me feel less ashamed because that person never walked away.. .. i never expect anything in life anymore, i never expected happiness to come back to me so fast, i never expected to be so broken yet so strong but today i sit here happy i forgot a lot of things and the reason i know that is by reading back here and reading some of my poems and saying 'wow, i wrote that! What was going on then?' and I can't remember. it in my mind is a sign that I care but I don't care and that i've managed to get rid of some memories so the reast will go away in due time and it will look and feel like a horrible bad dream, i can't wait. it's my sign that by cutting some things out and doing some daring things in life I have moved on to bigger and better things...
Looking at moving to a better area in less then a year, already started to look at places. I think I might after all stay in toronto so I won't be leaving my sister. Or move to the subberb areas like Etobico maybe but I'll still be in the city... I possibly have a great job coming to me and in my field and better then anyone would have found me in my past life... I'm looking at going elsewhere, maybe Ottawa goverment job or a place in London but that has to wait to see if the job is still there in 8 months or so. Maybe i'll move out towards Scarbero, Pickering, Port Hope... but for now, I've come to terms with this and looking forward to ... yup ... happy days and traveling and so much more
*smiles* "it just takes one person to change a lifetime of misery"
"Go fuck yourselves. You've backstabbed a friend and you don't care. You've got what you wanted and don't care what it cost to get it. YOU RUINED A FEW LIVES is what you did to get it and don't care. You always complain, you're always hiding, and you're all hating with me because of what? Because I'm blunt, straight forward. Pissed off I am but you don't realise that when I was nice for so long you walked all over me and I wasn't heard. How many times did I hear 'but you never say anything' and then finally when i'm blunt and forward you get pissed. 'go to hell and enjoy rotting there' give me back my life, give me what is mine and leave me to live they way i've always wanted to live. I've paid my tole, i've done my suffering give me what is left you have and leave so i may finally live happily. so that when i am happy you don't come around and ruin it, so that when i'm trying to sleep the nightmares will go away and i will sleep them 6+ hours at night i need. go away and if you want to come back into my life come back later when you've realised what you've been and even then..."
something is bottled up... it's bugging me a lot... mostly i think it's because one piece of my mail ended up at Miro's and i have no fucking idea what it is and Brian STILL hasn't gone to get it or sent it to me. He emailed me on Nov 2nd that he needed my address to forward it to me and i answered within seconds of him sending it to me a little reluctantly but what is driving me fucking insane is i changed all my addresses on my stuff but my licence so nothing from the bank should have gone there... and it's over a week and a 1/2 and he still hasn't gone to get it... pretty much i'm thinking if he had no intention of getting the damn thing within a normal time frame he should have waited to get my address till he decided to make that 2 second stop at Miros on his way home to get it. or he could have passed my fucking address to him...
honestly if i knew this was the life this was leading me to... i would have never gone with it, i would have stepped down right away and left it as friends before he ever made it to college... i thought him being older then me he knew what he wanted and was at a similar mind frame and age, if i knew his family was going to be so much influence on everything i would have never ever stayed around... i should have left with Jamie in my 2nd year in college ... but then i sit thinking...
someones right, it all happens for a reason... if this didn't happen i would have never made it eventually to Toronto... if this didn't happen nothing would have got Zab and I so close together. I had, as Zab says it, jerks in my life but it finally took this one to get us to realise there is more there for us and between eachother and we need family more then anything else and that me and her need eachother more then we care to admit it..... man to think how much i was there for her as a kid and growing up before we left to school... i was so strong for her, always there hugging her in hard times, drying away her tears... now she was the one here for me so many times in the last 4 months drying my tears when she knew what i was doing and wouldn't let me hide away again.... I sit here now thinking that i hope my face doesn't look like shit when she calls me saying suppers ready (as i try away some tears)
..... i think as selfishly as it is, if it wasn't for Norm passing away I would have never gone north again till Christmas.. Now I'm making my 2nd trip there soon to see friends. There isn't many people in my life that know and seen me go through so much. There isn't many friends that are there for me and see my massive mood swings... but there is one more person that knows some secrets and made me feel less ashamed because that person never walked away.. .. i never expect anything in life anymore, i never expected happiness to come back to me so fast, i never expected to be so broken yet so strong but today i sit here happy i forgot a lot of things and the reason i know that is by reading back here and reading some of my poems and saying 'wow, i wrote that! What was going on then?' and I can't remember. it in my mind is a sign that I care but I don't care and that i've managed to get rid of some memories so the reast will go away in due time and it will look and feel like a horrible bad dream, i can't wait. it's my sign that by cutting some things out and doing some daring things in life I have moved on to bigger and better things...
Looking at moving to a better area in less then a year, already started to look at places. I think I might after all stay in toronto so I won't be leaving my sister. Or move to the subberb areas like Etobico maybe but I'll still be in the city... I possibly have a great job coming to me and in my field and better then anyone would have found me in my past life... I'm looking at going elsewhere, maybe Ottawa goverment job or a place in London but that has to wait to see if the job is still there in 8 months or so. Maybe i'll move out towards Scarbero, Pickering, Port Hope... but for now, I've come to terms with this and looking forward to ... yup ... happy days and traveling and so much more
*smiles* "it just takes one person to change a lifetime of misery"