Ficlet - Choices
Title: Choices
Author: szm
Rating: G
Spoilers: WARNING spoilers for episode four of season two of Torchwood. Big ones. WARNING
Summary: The thoughts of Torchwood immediately after 'Meat'
I spent a year being tortured by an alien who treated my immortality like a toy. The only thing that kept me going was them, not the Doctor.
When that was over I chose Torchwood. I chose them over the Doctor. John really wasn’t much of a temptation after that. Torchwood Three is the closest thing I’ve had to family since… Well, in a long time. I need them. All of them.
I thought they needed me too.
But she doesn’t need us, doesn’t need me. She chose Rhys. I just didn’t make her follow it through.
It makes me wonder when I’ll lose the others too.
**
Jack doesn’t like losing. I know that. So does Gwen. I think she expected him to make her leave.
I didn’t. He needs her, needs her to show off to, needs her to stand up to him. Needs her to ask the awkward questions.
I should be jealous, but I’m not. I don’t want to be the person that’s constantly fighting him. I… want to be with him. I need him. Just to be here.
Sometimes I think maybe he needs that from me too.
Maybe I just want to think that.
I think, I hope, I know him. And I know he’s hurting now.
Because she just worked out that she doesn’t need him.
**
I sent Tommy to his death. Jack let a little girl be taken by something terrible. Ianto lost Lisa in a way so horrible I can’t even imagine how he kept on going. Owen had his heart ripped out by finding then losing Diane.
Because that’s what Torchwood is; it leaves no room in your life for anything else. You surrender yourself to it bit by bit until you're nothing but Torchwood all the way though.
Except Gwen. She refused to give Torchwood that last little piece of herself.
And right this second, I think I hate her for it.
**
We all liked Rhys. I wasn’t lying, he’s a good bloke.
But none of us have the slightest clue about how to relate to him.
I get why Jack went so alpha male. Rhys is a threat to Torchwood. He is the threat.
Because Gwen would put him before Torchwood, did put him before Torchwood. Before Jack. Never let it never be said our boss has a small ego.
The rest of us don’t have anything for Jack to feel threatened by.
Well Ianto had his cyber-girlfriend. But not any more. I wonder how Jack would have coped if she’d survived?
None of us have anything to leave Torchwood, to leave Jack, for.
Yeah. I can see why Jack was threatened.
**
I told Rhys that I’d always go home to him.
That’s not true.
He is home. No matter what else I do. No matter how stupid I am. No matter what I see. No matter what I have to do. He makes it okay. I didn’t realise that I need that more than I need anything else.
I want that. More than I want anything else
Torchwood is amazing, completely mad. I thought that there was nothing I’d give it up for.
But I was wrong. I’d give it all up for him.
But I’m glad I didn’t have to.
Author: szm
Rating: G
Spoilers: WARNING spoilers for episode four of season two of Torchwood. Big ones. WARNING
Summary: The thoughts of Torchwood immediately after 'Meat'
I spent a year being tortured by an alien who treated my immortality like a toy. The only thing that kept me going was them, not the Doctor.
When that was over I chose Torchwood. I chose them over the Doctor. John really wasn’t much of a temptation after that. Torchwood Three is the closest thing I’ve had to family since… Well, in a long time. I need them. All of them.
I thought they needed me too.
But she doesn’t need us, doesn’t need me. She chose Rhys. I just didn’t make her follow it through.
It makes me wonder when I’ll lose the others too.
**
Jack doesn’t like losing. I know that. So does Gwen. I think she expected him to make her leave.
I didn’t. He needs her, needs her to show off to, needs her to stand up to him. Needs her to ask the awkward questions.
I should be jealous, but I’m not. I don’t want to be the person that’s constantly fighting him. I… want to be with him. I need him. Just to be here.
Sometimes I think maybe he needs that from me too.
Maybe I just want to think that.
I think, I hope, I know him. And I know he’s hurting now.
Because she just worked out that she doesn’t need him.
**
I sent Tommy to his death. Jack let a little girl be taken by something terrible. Ianto lost Lisa in a way so horrible I can’t even imagine how he kept on going. Owen had his heart ripped out by finding then losing Diane.
Because that’s what Torchwood is; it leaves no room in your life for anything else. You surrender yourself to it bit by bit until you're nothing but Torchwood all the way though.
Except Gwen. She refused to give Torchwood that last little piece of herself.
And right this second, I think I hate her for it.
**
We all liked Rhys. I wasn’t lying, he’s a good bloke.
But none of us have the slightest clue about how to relate to him.
I get why Jack went so alpha male. Rhys is a threat to Torchwood. He is the threat.
Because Gwen would put him before Torchwood, did put him before Torchwood. Before Jack. Never let it never be said our boss has a small ego.
The rest of us don’t have anything for Jack to feel threatened by.
Well Ianto had his cyber-girlfriend. But not any more. I wonder how Jack would have coped if she’d survived?
None of us have anything to leave Torchwood, to leave Jack, for.
Yeah. I can see why Jack was threatened.
**
I told Rhys that I’d always go home to him.
That’s not true.
He is home. No matter what else I do. No matter how stupid I am. No matter what I see. No matter what I have to do. He makes it okay. I didn’t realise that I need that more than I need anything else.
I want that. More than I want anything else
Torchwood is amazing, completely mad. I thought that there was nothing I’d give it up for.
But I was wrong. I’d give it all up for him.
But I’m glad I didn’t have to.