Biblefic: an enthralling world of slash, bad attitudes and things that people pull out of a dolphin
My friend Kat (
cessair) and I were just talking and the bible-fic thing came up. So we decided to have a look at the works of prose of some of the aspiring spiritual authors.
My expectations were thus:
"WOT rly hapnd to Jaysus! Chapter 12 up lolz"
...or...
"The primrose of eden - follow the life of 14 year old BEAUTIFUL young girl who is 13th apostle but female so not mentioned in bible and she is Jesus' gf! BTW she is a vampr from outer space and her dad is Frank'n'Furter and her Mom Cinderella and she listens to Justin Timberlake. OMFG JUSTIN!!!"
But what we found was even more hilarious... (things in italic are most likely the story summaries):
This clearly looks like it's going to be the fifth official gospel - the gospel of "Lillith and her Guardian Angel"
Lilith was a practical girl - she didn't believe in ghosts or in god, and she most certainly didn't believe in love. So why is her faith in that practicality being shaken by this crazy man claiming to be her guardian angel...and madly in love with her?
Another retelling of Jesus' birth, but not the kind you'd make the kids perform at Christmas:
This is not meant to offend anyone. Take it lightheartedly : It is the birth of Jesus with a futuristic view including a helicopter, a bottle opener and Waffles.
Somebody clearly didn't pay attention when reading the 10 commandments... Sertonly there must be a part that tells you not to use bad spelling
Lilly Cooper and her family never were the going to church, and praying to God type people. But, when Lilly and her family move, and she meets different people . . . Lilly starts seeing and feeling differently about serton things. Please R&R!
Da bible goes Muhammad Ali
cessair says: that is one long physical therapy
After 3000 years of physical therapy, Jacob is finally ready to step back into the ring...
The warning inside this one was just hilarious. It read "Warning: Jesus briefly exhibits a bad attitude."
Confessions of a Messiah Who Has Had It » by ThenWhenWeRetire
A collection of short, nutty one-shots where even the Son of God has his off-days...
I wonder, when this deluded person here speaks of having trouble with converting file formats, does she send them to a Christian missionary? Judging from the content of her fic summary, she probably does.
I wrote this story when I was fifteen. This is the story of an advanced civilization that lived on earth before launching themselves to the stars. I'm not posting this all at once because the files are in a different format. I need to convert them.
Now, here, I know that a lot of people would have loved to be a fly on the wall of this conversation:
God's final talk with Lucifer before he is thrown out of Heaven. Oneshot.
But an excerpt of it made it seem more like it was a bad Phantom of the Opera ripoff. With less singing:
I threw him to the lower depths of the existance, and felt the tears coming to Me. But I did not cry. I could not. He was gone forever, and he was now darkness. He would never again be My light. "Goodbye, My child of the darkness," I hissed to him.
Here is another jewel of badly executed grammar; the author tries to deceive the readers’ philistine eye with ingenious code letters into believing this was written by a simpleton. BUT WHAT OF IT WASN'T????
cessair says: Yeah, let’s spit on this fanfic. May I go first? Pleeeese?
goD LOVEs eVerYOnE by Pentsworth
YOu saY tHaT at tHE END Day, iT WiLl Be YoU sPITtiNg oN us. whAt Of WE sPaT ON you fiRst?
I’m sure there is a Catholic priest seminar out there that would simply love this one…
Cessair says: Go bad angel/good angel shipping! Can’t get any better love/hate than that.
It's 1350 AD, and under Hell's direction, the Black Death is ravaging Europe. Raphael is sent from Heaven to put a halt to the massive destruction, but Hell will not allow its plans to be thwarted so easily. ...mild AsmodeusRaphael slash...
And here I thought I was the only one who rummaged dolphins’ oral cavities in search of mysterious and uncomfortable-to-swallow objects all the time…
cessair says: Only first chappie up so please no flamies, okayie?
Everything is doing okay in Lilly's world......until she finds a mysterious key in the mouth of a dolphin. Then, she is flipped into a world of mystery, betrayal and her faith in God's grace is tested. R&R PLZ! only 1st chappie is up so no flamies!
cessair) and I were just talking and the bible-fic thing came up. So we decided to have a look at the works of prose of some of the aspiring spiritual authors.
My expectations were thus:
"WOT rly hapnd to Jaysus! Chapter 12 up lolz"
...or...
"The primrose of eden - follow the life of 14 year old BEAUTIFUL young girl who is 13th apostle but female so not mentioned in bible and she is Jesus' gf! BTW she is a vampr from outer space and her dad is Frank'n'Furter and her Mom Cinderella and she listens to Justin Timberlake. OMFG JUSTIN!!!"
But what we found was even more hilarious... (things in italic are most likely the story summaries):
This clearly looks like it's going to be the fifth official gospel - the gospel of "Lillith and her Guardian Angel"
Lilith was a practical girl - she didn't believe in ghosts or in god, and she most certainly didn't believe in love. So why is her faith in that practicality being shaken by this crazy man claiming to be her guardian angel...and madly in love with her?
Another retelling of Jesus' birth, but not the kind you'd make the kids perform at Christmas:
This is not meant to offend anyone. Take it lightheartedly : It is the birth of Jesus with a futuristic view including a helicopter, a bottle opener and Waffles.
Somebody clearly didn't pay attention when reading the 10 commandments... Sertonly there must be a part that tells you not to use bad spelling
Lilly Cooper and her family never were the going to church, and praying to God type people. But, when Lilly and her family move, and she meets different people . . . Lilly starts seeing and feeling differently about serton things. Please R&R!
Da bible goes Muhammad Ali
cessair says: that is one long physical therapy
After 3000 years of physical therapy, Jacob is finally ready to step back into the ring...
The warning inside this one was just hilarious. It read "Warning: Jesus briefly exhibits a bad attitude."
Confessions of a Messiah Who Has Had It » by ThenWhenWeRetire
A collection of short, nutty one-shots where even the Son of God has his off-days...
I wonder, when this deluded person here speaks of having trouble with converting file formats, does she send them to a Christian missionary? Judging from the content of her fic summary, she probably does.
I wrote this story when I was fifteen. This is the story of an advanced civilization that lived on earth before launching themselves to the stars. I'm not posting this all at once because the files are in a different format. I need to convert them.
Now, here, I know that a lot of people would have loved to be a fly on the wall of this conversation:
God's final talk with Lucifer before he is thrown out of Heaven. Oneshot.
But an excerpt of it made it seem more like it was a bad Phantom of the Opera ripoff. With less singing:
I threw him to the lower depths of the existance, and felt the tears coming to Me. But I did not cry. I could not. He was gone forever, and he was now darkness. He would never again be My light. "Goodbye, My child of the darkness," I hissed to him.
Here is another jewel of badly executed grammar; the author tries to deceive the readers’ philistine eye with ingenious code letters into believing this was written by a simpleton. BUT WHAT OF IT WASN'T????
cessair says: Yeah, let’s spit on this fanfic. May I go first? Pleeeese?
goD LOVEs eVerYOnE by Pentsworth
YOu saY tHaT at tHE END Day, iT WiLl Be YoU sPITtiNg oN us. whAt Of WE sPaT ON you fiRst?
I’m sure there is a Catholic priest seminar out there that would simply love this one…
Cessair says: Go bad angel/good angel shipping! Can’t get any better love/hate than that.
It's 1350 AD, and under Hell's direction, the Black Death is ravaging Europe. Raphael is sent from Heaven to put a halt to the massive destruction, but Hell will not allow its plans to be thwarted so easily. ...mild AsmodeusRaphael slash...
And here I thought I was the only one who rummaged dolphins’ oral cavities in search of mysterious and uncomfortable-to-swallow objects all the time…
cessair says: Only first chappie up so please no flamies, okayie?
Everything is doing okay in Lilly's world......until she finds a mysterious key in the mouth of a dolphin. Then, she is flipped into a world of mystery, betrayal and her faith in God's grace is tested. R&R PLZ! only 1st chappie is up so no flamies!