Hogwarts Too Exposed Chapter 24
Those of you who follow me on Tumblr will have seen this infographic:
This is why the final chapter of the first fic was by far the longest, as the author realised that all the titting about with the inconsequential (and later entirely forgotten) penultimate chapter was doing nothing to give us any resolution. Or anything at all, really. Now Hogwarts Too Exposed seems to have a slightly different problem, in that we've had the brief resolution and now there's just a bunch of stuff happening, which seems to be trying to set up the next story. There's nothing wrong with the resolution of one story leading into the set-up of the sequel, of course, but there is when it stops being a resolution altogether.
Anyway, without further ado, here's the final chapter of Hogwarts Too Exposed.
"I…I…was just trying to cover her, Sir," Tyler said nervously to the Potions Master. "She was having some sort of seizure or something, and I didn't want her being exposed."
"A likely story. From here it looks more like you were taking advantage of an opportunity to cop yourself a feel, or is this something you and Miss Zacherley do on a regular basis?" Malfoy asked sarcastically.
I can't tell whether HE!Draco is trying too hard to be Trilogy!Draco, canon!Snape or both, and it doesn't help that I don't think the author himself knows which he's going for.
"No Sir," Tyler said defensively. "We aren't seeing each other any more and even if we were, I'd never take advantage of her."
It's great how the bit he denies first is that he's seeing her and not, you know, indecent assault. I hate this fic.
"Yes, yes indeed," Draco said. "I think you and I should pay the Headmaster a visit Mr. Bancroft. Miss Thatcher will you please accompany Miss Zacherley to the infirmary and explain to Madam Pomfrey exactly what transpired." Without further comment, Professor Malfoy grabbed Tyler by the shoulder and led him out of the Great Hall.
They had barely departed the room when Dick Bancroft rounded on Emily. "You fucking little tart!" Dick screamed.
Remind me why we're supposed to take this idiot seriously as an antagonist.
"You dress like a tramp, and who gets in trouble - my little brother? If he gets expelled, consider yourself as good as dead!"
That's never going to happen, because it would require HE!Snape to have enough of a backbone to discipline a pupil. Even if he wasn't busy screwing his subordinates at the time. As for Dick the dick, he's never managed to do more than mildly irritate our sainted protagonists in the past, so why should he suddenly have any luck now?
"What happened?" Hermione queried anxiously as Harry and she rushed into the hospital wing with Jamie and Caitlin right on their heels.
"I'm not quite sure," Poppy answered. "She has a bump on her head and a few minor cuts, but other than that she seems fine physically. Emily doesn't remember what happened, but Miss Thatcher says she went into some sort of trance followed by a seizure."
Jamie's face turned insipid.
To match her characterisation.
"Did she talk when she was in the trance?" she asked.
"Yes, but Miss Thatcher said it was in a deep raspy voice, sounding nothing at all like Emily," Pomfrey said.
"She's a seer!" Jamie said, sounding both nervous and confused. "That's the way Dad was when he gave a foretelling. But only males in his lineage ever had the gift. Why Emily?"
Because the plot demanded it.
"Perhaps because there are no additional males to insure the legacy continues," Hermione theorized.
Or perhaps the author is just pulling things out of his arse. It doesn't help that Mr Zacherley was never seen to give a prophecy, and was killed off by something he should really seen coming a mile away, even if it was retconned to be a targeted assassination rather than a narratively unsatisfying accident. The best bit is that all the foreshadowing was of Jamie becoming a seer rather than Emily, such as her ability to read people's intentions (what happened to that, anyway?) and seeing Slytherin in the Boggart.
"How are you feeling Slytherin?" Harry said as he opened the drapes to find the two girls seated on the side of the bed, absorbed in conversation.
Good question. How is she feeling Slytherin?
After everyone was contented that Emily was indeed satisfactory, Hermione asked. "Exactly what happened at breakfast?"
"She'll have to tell you," Emily said, indicating Kim. "My body was there, but my mind evidently took a short holiday. I remember taking a sip of my orange juice and then the next thing I knew, I was laying on the floor with Tyler on top of me."
Harry expression abruptly turned to one of anger. "We heard what he did to you," he said comfortingly. "Bancroft has been suspended pending an inquiry."
So Tyler gets suspended for an oh-so-wacky misunderstanding when his brother didn't get so much as detention for trying to murder Jamie in front of the whole school.
"No, they can't" shouted Kim. "He was only trying to help."
"Trying to help?" Hermione said incredulously. "How exactly does lying on top of my daughter and cupping her bare breasts qualify as helping?"
"I think he actually was trying to help," Emily said guiltily as she got to her feet.
I recently read RPGnet's recap of the first two and a bit Gor novels, and I think I now know where the author got the inspiration for his dialogue. Not to mention his attitude to women.
Hermione shook her head in dismay. "Emily, I know you're a nudist. We all are, but even though we'd prefer to be naked, we live in a textile world.
And she is a textile girl. Or, well, not.
You can not go about the school dressed like that."
But she also can, and evidently did.
"Emily had just taken a sip of her juice," Kim continued. "I initially thought the glass had slipped and broken, but then I noticed her hand was bleeding. She must have squeezed the glass so hard that it crushed."
Caitlin and Jamie both flinched at the thought.
Over the course of Hogwarts Exposed, we've had characters tortured almost to death, shot, on the blunt end of a spirit link with someone tortured almost to death and shot, crash their broomsticks and get caught up in terrorist attacks. I think they're past flinching at someone breaking a glass in her hand, especially as Madam Pomfrey can fix that kind of thing quicker than blinking.
"I asked her if she was okay, but she didn't answer me. Emily had the strangest look on her face," Kim explained. "She seemed to be staring off at something in the distance, yet not really looking at anything."
Jamie nodded her head, indicating that was the way her father acted when giving a divination.
Not that we ever saw this.
"Then she got to her feet and spoke, but it wasn't Emily's voice. It sounded like some man with a deep raspy voice had took over her body," Kim explained. "And loud, the voice was so loud that everyone in the hall dropped what they were doing and looked in our direction."
"Do you remember what she said?" Caitlin asked.
"Not all of it," Kim admitted. "It was about Lord Slytherin returning and the blood of innocents. I think …"
But Kim didn't have to go any further. Something she had said seemed to have triggered a response in Emily. She got to her feet and in the same deep raspy voice as before proclaimed:
... exactly what was proclaimed before. Because that's how prophecies work in the Potterverse. Remember how Trelawney repeated her prophecy at the end of Prisoner of Azkaban?
"THE STARS PROCLAIM THE RETURN OF THE GREATEST DARK LORD
I admit to a bit of a bias against Slytherin the Dark Lord, simply because I find him more interesting as a morally ambiguous figure who did the wrong things for the right reasons. I've mentioned in the comments that if I wrote a "return of Slytherin" fic, he'd be royally pissed off at the people committing atrocities in his name and either side with the good guys or go his own way. Naturally, Hogwarts Exposed (like the Draco Trilogy) is going the "Dark Lord Slytherin" route.
FROM THE BLOOD OF INNOCENTS FOUR,
THE GREAT LORD SLYTHERIN'S SPIRIT SHALL POUR.
This, you'll recall, is Damien's favourite part of the prophecy. Hogwarts Exposed villains don't do subtlety. I'll rephrase that: Hogwarts Exposed doesn't do subtlety.
BUT WHEN SLYTHERIN AND EVIL ARE JOINED,
NOT EVEN THE COVENANT WILL BRING THE RESULT DOWN.
THE DARKEST OF TIMES THEIR JOINING WILL BRING,
SORROW AND PAIN WILL OFT BE THE FAME.
Given that not only does the author use "joining" as a sexual euphemism but makes this specific to the seer thing, for reasons that were never explored... well, there's an interesting image to say the least.
When Emily finished, she again, like in the Great Hall, fell to the floor and went into a spasm.
Madam Pomfrey had by now joined them, having rushed out of her office as Emily had once more bellowed out the prophecy.
"It's best not to touch her," Jamie warned as Emily gyrated on the floor.
I don't think the author knows what "gyrate" means. I don't even know what he thinks it means, because what he's saying here is that she's spinning on the floor. That doesn't say "seizure" so much as "impromptu breakdancing routine".
"It only lasts a few minutes. Our goal with my father was to make sure he did harm himself."
Well, that explains why he's dead.
"So do you think it was the real thing?" Ron asked as he and Sam joined Harry and Hermione for afternoon tea a few hours later. "After a few years of Trelawney, I can't say that I have much faith in divination."
I think it had been firmly established by this point that, although things like crystal balls and tea leaves are mostly charlatanry, her actual prophetic trances were real enough.
Ron nodded his head, but avoided looking in the direction of the kitchen. Sam and Hermione were doing their normal nude bonding thing that they now did whenever together. Ron was finding it extremely difficult to not stare at the eight plus months pregnant Hermione.
Because now is a perfect time for a "yay nudists!" interlude.
"Ron, did you notice how firm and perky Hermione's breasts are even though she's pregnant and they've gotten so large? It's because Caitlin gives her Hyperempathic massages three times a week. She doesn't have one single stretch mark either."
Oh, and she and the baby are perfectly healthy, but who cares about such trifling little details as that?
"I didn't notice," Ron mistakenly lied as his face turned red, once more reminding his old friends of the violent shade of red his hair.
So was he mistaken or was he lying?
"Well then come and take a look at her," Sam insisted. "I'm going to asked Caitlin if she will give me treatments when we get pregnant."
I guess this is "we get pregnant" in the "we are a grandmother" sense, because I don't think Ron's going to be getting pregnant any time soon. Though I'm not going to lie: if this author did a collaboration with MotS, then no force in the universe could restrain my morbid curiosity.
As the Sam and Hermione took their seats at the table, Ron wanted to talk about anything but the cruise and nudism.
"Have you figured out any of the prophecy yet?" Ron inquired.
Yeah, now we've got the important stuff out of the way, let's talk about Salazar Slytherin coming back from the dead to fuck shit up.
Sam read the first two sections and then froze, staring a Ron and Harry with a terrified look on her face.
"Yeah!" Ron said reading Sam's distraught expression. "Emily is the Seer, Caitlin the Healer and the child Hermione is carrying will be the new heir of Gryffindor."
Or, you know, not.
"What I don't understand is the part about Slytherin's heir," Ron continued. "I thought He-Who-Must-Not-Be Named was the last of his family tree. He's dead and gone and he was certainly no innocent."
"Ron, for heaven's sake, call him Voldemort," Hermione declared. "You were instrumental in his defeat."
For once, HE!Hermione has a point. Even given how superstitious Ron was about saying "Voldemort", I think he'd have got over it in the years since he helped defeat him.
"Timmy," Sam whispered, still not moving. "He's the heir."
"No he's not," Harry said reassuringly. "All that stuff about Draco being related to Slytherin was lies, forged documents just to get the Malfoy family in tight with Voldemort.
Because Voldemort would love to have another Heir of Slytherin knocking about to challenge his position.
Malfoy isn't related to Voldemort or Slytherin."
"You right!" Sam said, looking tentatively at Ron; dreading his possible reaction to what she was about to reveal. "Draco isn't a descendant of Salazar Slytherin, but I am."
For a few moments, no one spoke; then Hermione said, "The documents in court that the judge couldn't reveal, but proved you a pure-blood?"
Samantha nodded her head.
Why is she suddenly Samantha when she's been Sam to everyone for the entire fic?
"As far as official ministry records are concerned, Tom Riddle was the last living descendent of Salazar Slytherin. All records of the very existence of his mother's younger sister have been erased.
"You see, my grandmother had dishonored her family by becoming pregnant out of wedlock at the age of thirteen to a muggle. Such was the disgrace that she was given passage and adequate funds by her father and sent off to America, never to be contacted again.
Marvolo Gaunt had "adequate funds" to pack Merope's unnamed sister off to America and support her, apparently. Yes, I know this was written before Half-Blood Prince.
"My grandmother was a powerful witch and quickly gained renown and respect in the United States.
So much renown and respect that she doesn't even have a name.
Her lineage became a highly guarded family secret. My grandmother was a wonderful woman and so were my parents. The US Ministry of Magic is aware of the lineage and has endeavored, for our safety, to keep secret our heredity."
Why does the US have a Ministry of Magic? The UK does because our government departments were traditionally known as ministries, but I think they've always been departments over there.
Sam looked pleadingly at Ron, who seemed transfixed. "I love you Ronnie. I know I should have told you before, but I was afraid of losing you. Please don't leave me," she begged.
Ron got up and went over to Sam's chair, leaned over and kissed her. Then as he hugged her tightly, he said, "I could never leave you. You're what makes my life worth living."
Well, so much for conflict. The next scene actually has some of that elusive resolution, in that Emily and Tyler make up, but it's just rehashing everything Emily has said before about how:
"And though I appreciate your concern today, the seizure itself was more of an embarrassment to me than being exposed would have been. Tyler, I hate clothes. Nothing would make me happier than being able to be nude the balance of my life.
MISUSED BALANCE COUNT: 52
Somehow, I'd even brave the cold and snow.
Not that anyone notices the cold and snow in this fic.
I think it is totally ridiculous that people make such a huge deal over seeing certain body parts.
Remember this bit for later.
Saturday, May 28, 2005
"Ron if you have a moment before you need to start preparations for the match, I'd like to have a word with you."
"Certainly Headmaster, would your office in about fifteen minutes be convenient?" Ron asked.
But can you get to Snape's office in fifteen minutes from the Featureless Plane of Disembodied Dialogue?
Ron quickly guzzled down his remaining food before saying, "I guess I best be off. No logic in
... Hogwarts Exposed.
Hermione gulped. "Good luck Ron," she said as he departed.
Ron was barely through the door when Harry turned to Hermione. "Okay, out with it," he said. "What's going on?"
"Oh Harry! Ron is going to be so upset."
Now if HE!Snape wasn't such a wimp, we wouldn't need Hermione thumbing her nose at the reader and going "nuh-nuh I know something you don't" to add tension to the scene where he meets with Ron.
"Ron, please have a seat," Severus said as he indicated an empty chair. "I'll not beat about the bush, but rather get straight down to business."
That makes a change.
"Ron, wizards and Muggles are very different and at the same time very similar. As an example, Hogwarts is run on a budget, just like a private Muggle school. I might add, a very tight budget. Sometimes there just isn't enough money in the budget for everything we desire to do."
I don't know why a wizard talking to another wizard feels the need to make the comparison with Muggle schools when discussing something as straightforward as budget issues:
SNAPE: We've got budget problems.
RON: I don't get it.
SNAPE: ... you know, like the Muggle schools you never attended.
RON: Oh, right!
And I like how he specifies private schools, because state schools have never had any problems with HAHAHAHAHA sorry I can't finish that sentence.
Ron looked at Severus uneasily. "Does that mean I'm being sacked at the end of the semester due to budget cuts?" he asked pessimistically.
"Certainly not," Severus laughed.
Apart from anything else, Hogwarts doesn't have semesters. There are quite clearly three terms in its school year.
"These additions create a dilemma because I do not have the funds to hire additional staff. You and Ginervra have the lightest class loads, and therefore, I'm afraid I must ask the two of you to shoulder this additional burden.
I thought Ginny was Virginia in this fic. Yay retcon! Also, I think it would be more expensive to increase the hours of two experienced staff than to hire someone new.
"Not a problem," Ron said, wiping the sweat from his brow and finally smiling. "I'll get together with Ginny this week. I want to get my hands on the textbook as soon a possible so that I can begin preparing. By the way, what is the new subject Ginny and I are teaching?"
"Oh! I'm sorry," Severus said. "Did I neglect to mention? 'Anatomy of the Sexes', it's a sex education course."
Ron sat ridged in his chair, powerless to move or speak. He couldn't believe that he'd just eagerly agreed to teach sex education to thirteen and fourteen year old witches and wizards.
h0 h0 h0!
"Aren't you going to eat anything?" Kim asked, as Emily played with her food.
"I'm not very hungry," Emily responded.
"You're not ill are you?" Kim asked concernedly. "You usually give the boys a challenge when it comes to scoffing down food."
"No, just a little down in the dumps," Emily answered. "I always imagined coming to Hogwarts and playing Quidditch. But in my dreams Jamie and I were on the same team. I always pictured us celebrating a win together. I never envisioned myself having to play against her."
Yes, Little Miss "I told the Sorting Hat to put me in Slytherin" is whining about being in Slytherin again. To the person for whose sake she did it, at that.
"What colors will Caitlin and your parents be wearing today?" Kim asked.
Kim is denser than lead. What the hell house does she think Harry Potter and Hermione Granger are going to support? I'll grant that supporting Slytherin over Gryffindor wouldn't be the most OOC thing either of them had done in this fic.
"That makes matters even worse," Emily muttered. "Caitlin is in Gryffindor and Mum is head of house so, of course, they'll be cheering for Gryffindor and Dad will be sitting with them. I feel relatively on my own."
But only relatively on her own. How dare Harry, Hermione and Caitlin cheer for their own house, anyway?
Kim grasped Emily's hand and gave it a squeeze. "I'll be cheering for you," Kim assured her, "And so will all of Slytherin House and many others. It's not like it used to be; not everyone hates Slytherin."
Though, when they look up to the likes of Dick the dick, have "blood traitor" as their common room password and people get horrified when "nice girls" like Kim and Emily end up there, you'd be forgiven for thinking otherwise.
"I don't believe this," Hermione said disgustedly slamming her copy of the Daily Prophet on the table.
"What? What happened?" Harry asked as he reached for the paper.
"They escaped," she exclaimed. "Somehow
"... I was able to exclaim something without an exclamation mark."
Crabbe and Goyle got out of prison. According to this article, Ministry Wrong is furious; says heads will roll."
"I imagine she would be angry," Harry acknowledged. "Those two were the first supporters of the Great One ever apprehended. Now Emma's lost the opportunity to get any information out of them."
"Everything seems to go wrong for that poor woman," Hermione sighed.
See, it's funny because they don't know that Wrong is actually the Great One! Why don't they know that Wrong is actually the Great One, considering what a complete idiot she is? Anyway, they play Quidditch.
"Alex, why such a depressed look?" Jamie asked as she took the seat next to him and began filling her plate.
"I was just reviewing the tournament statistics," he said gloomily. "We might be tied with Slytherin in games won, but they're leading the tournament by two hundred-seventy points."
"How many?" asked Jamie in amazement. "That means that for us to win the Cup I have to catch the snitch, but can't do it until we're over one hundred twenty points in the lead."
She looked at Alex overwhelmed. "Slytherin's Chasers are superb. The way they work as a team, we'll never get that far in the lead." Then she added gloomily, "And my sister isn't going to take forever to find the Snitch."
[snip]
Burke urged them toward the locker rooms and as they changed into their green robes she addressed them, "The Quidditch Cup is all but ours. Gryffindor can't win it; we can only lose it. We currently lead this year's tournament by two hundred seventy points. Depending on the final score, Gryffindor could actually win this game and we would still win the Cup.
"That in my eyes would be an empty victory. A true champion beats all competition. Not defeating Gryffindor would take the luster off winning the Cup. We have the best team. We know it; let's go out there now and show the rest of the school!"
Everyone applauded as they took to their feet and walked out onto the field where they were met with cheers from the Slytherin supporters.
I bet you can't guess what's about to happen.
"Slytherin 210, Gryffindor 100," shouted Jason Turner.
Jamie searched the sky desperately, Alex's earlier advice echoing in her head. Gryffindor could not win the Cup; they could, however, still win this match, but only if she found the Snitch; and found it quickly.
But it was too late, Emily had suddenly gone into a dive, and Jamie was sure that this was the real thing.
"She's seen the Snitch!" Turner barked.
Jamie laid herself out as flat as possible and urged her broom forward. She'd never make it; Emily was within reach of the Snitch. But the Snitch didn't want to be caught. It kept zigging and zagging, just barely keeping out of Emily grip. But it did remain out of her grasp long enough for Jamie to draw level with Emily.
Then Emily made a critical mistake. She allowed her attention to stray momentarily and in that brief second, Jamie caught the Snitch.
"Jamie Zacherley catches the Snitch," Jason Turner shouted. "Gryffindor wins the match, but Slytherin wins the Quidditch Cup.
That wasn't telegraphed at all, was it? Now you can draw a parallel with how Viktor took the Snitch in the World Cup final, but that worked where this didn't because it subverted our expectations: we were used by that point to seeing the Snitch capture as the moment where the Seeker's team won the match, and many of us had already been asking: why would someone take the Snitch if their team was more than 150 points behind? Viktor answered that question, establishing himself as an honourable young man who'd rather lose on his own terms than draw out the game when his side were so obviously outclassed, and this honour became the key point of his characterisation throughout Goblet of Fire. On the other hand, the most you can say about this is that it does resolve a subplot. When resolution has been thin on the ground at this stage of Too Exposed, that's at least something, even when done in such a perfunctory and (almost literally) by-the-numbers manner.
Jamie turned to where she expected to find Emily, but her sister was flying in the direction of the Gryffindor stands, where rather than the normal celebration, there seemed to be confusion and panic taking place. Someone was being levitated onto a stretcher. Jamie wasn't sure, but it looked like… It was Hermione!
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!
"Harry, I'm fine," Hermione scolded. "There was no reason for you to conjure a stretcher, I could have walked."
"Don't you pay her any mind, Harry," Madam Pomfrey said. "You did the correct thing. A woman about to give birth should not be navigating the stairway of a Quidditch viewing tower on her own."
Hermione shook her head in annoyance. "Because I'm about to give birth does not make…"
She was interrupted by a cry of pain coming from a bed surrounded by drapes in the far side of the room.
Madam Pomfrey looked intently in the direction of the bed. "Foolish girl," she said dejectedly. "Refuses to let me give her anything for the pain. Says that she deserves to suffer. It's her punishment for getting pregnant."
I know there are actually people who do believe things like that, but the existence of such a belief system hasn't been established in Hogwarts Exposed. As such, for it to suddenly appear from nowhere like this looks like yet another tractum ex culo moment.
"Amanda! Is that Amanda?" Jamie inquired excitedly. "Is she going to deliver tonight, also?"
"Yes," Madam Pomfrey answered. "It seems I'm about to have a rather busy evening."
Yay for contrived coincidences!
Amanda's face broke into a smile when the drapes opened and she saw her best friend and her family.
Not least because she was last in a scene with her supposedly best friend in Chapter 17, six months ago.
At that moment Hermione had a contraction and grabbed onto Jamie for support.
"Are you delivering tonight also?" Amanda asked hopefully.
"It would seem so," Hermione said taking a deep breath and regaining her equanimity.
Yes, I think we've established that they're giving birth simultaneously. Probably because the author could only be arsed to write one childbirth scene, though this may be just as well.
Hermione took the frightened girl's hand in her own. "Would you like it if I had Madam Pomfrey slide our two beds together? Then we could give each other support."
"Is that possible?" Amanda asked hopefully.
Madam Pomfrey stared at Hermione questioningly. "It would be possible," she said waveringly, "but I would advise against it. If we did that, neither of you would be afforded any privacy."
[snippage]
"Now that you've gotten that out of the way," Pomfrey said skeptically, "suppose you slip out of your clothes and put this on so that I can check how far along you are in regards to dilation." She handed Hermione a hospital gown.
"Ugh! You're not actually going to wear that hideous thing, are you?" Emily said, sounding utterly grossed out.
Hermione looked at the revoltingly gown, rubbed her head and said, "No, I'm not." She handed the gown back to Madam Pomfrey, who took it with a befuddled look on her face.
Hermione squeezed Harry's hand and gave him a brief light kiss on the lips. "I imagine this erases any existing doubts about whether I'm a true nudist or not," she said as she disrobed and climbed into the bed.
Because you've got to fill the nudity quota somehow, right?
Emily looked concernedly toward Jamie and then at Harry. "Could you make it official? I mean… I know you're not my real parents. I'll never forget them or stop loving them, but I love you and Mum and Caitlin, too." She looked at Jamie, tears in her eyes. "I love you too Jamie, but I don't want them being my guardians anymore; the term sounds cold and unloving. I want to be a real part of the family. I want them to be my Mum and Dad and Caitlin my sister and I want the baby to be my little brother or sister."
Emily's eyes watered and then tears streamed down her face. "I know it's asking a lot, but would you adopt me?" She asked.
It says a lot about how clunkily written this particular character development was that I was slightly taken aback that this hadn't already happened.
Harry squeezed her tightly. "Slytherin, I was hoping that someday you'd ask us that." He kissed her cheek. "What do you think, Hermione? Should we make this little trouble-maker an official part of our family?"
When did Harry start nicknaming Emily "Slytherin"? I don't remember seeing it at all hitherto.
Hermione couldn't answer, she was crying too hard.
Women, amirite?
"Hermione, is everyone staying for the birth?" Madam Pomfrey asked.
Hermione nodded, "We talked about it and the girls all want to be a part of the delivery if you'll allow them to hang about."
"That decision rests completely in your hands, however," she looked at the somewhat grimy condition of Jamie and Emily's Quidditch robes, "they'll both need to return to their dorms and change first."
Jamie and Emily exchanged quick looks, neither wanting to leave for fear of missing something.
"Couldn't we just take our Quidditch robes off and stay," Jamie asked hopefully.
"Certainly," Madam Pomfrey replied. "I didn't realize you had other clothes on under your team uniforms.
"We don't," Emily said timidly. "Is that all right?"
Pomfrey gazed at Emily and Jamie. "You two are unbelievable," she said in disbelief. "Actually that would be acceptable. A sanitizing charm is in reality more affective on bare skin than clothing."
Isn't that convenient?
The girls had only just finished disrobing, when Tony and Alex rushed into the infirmary unannounced. Tony took one look at Jamie and stopped in his tracks, quickly turning his head away.
"I'm sorry," he said, totally flustered. "When I returned to Slytherin House, I was told Amanda was here."
"Get a grip man," Alex said, placing a hand on Tony's shoulder. "Jamie's a naturist. It doesn't faze her or the other girls if you see them nude. It's their preferred way to be."
This message brought to you by the Naturism Council.
"What about you?" Tony asked nervously. "Don't you mind if other's see her naked."
"At one time it bothered me quite a bit," Alex said honestly, "but Jamie is an individual who has the right to live her life as she deems. I love her; I don't own her.
Yeah, who does Tony think they are? Harry and Hermione?
Besides," Alex winked at Jamie, "others may get to see how truly magnificent she is, but I'm the one that gets to hold and kiss her."
"Of course I don't own her (but I totally do!)"
Alex stopped briefly to kiss Jamie and then the three together approached Amanda's bed. Tony went to the side of the bed in order to take Amanda's hand and kiss her cheek, while Jamie and Alex remained standing at the foot end of the bed.
Alex could have pretended not to look, but instead grinned. "I like what you've done with you hair, Amanda. But then I've always liked the smooth look," he said as he mischievously patted Jamie's bikini area.
Yeah, the "forcibly shaved by a back-alley abortionist" look is in this season. Wanker. And when has Jamie ever worn a bikini?
"Behave yourself, Alex," Jamie said half-heartedly, a blush on her face. "We're not alone."
Instead of being discomforted by Alex's comment, Amanda was instead giggling. "Alex, you've always had a knack of putting me at ease."
Why on Earth would that comment amuse her and put her at ease? This makes no sense on any level at all.
Suddenly the smile and the giggle were replaced with a shrill scream as Amanda endured another contraction, her worst yet. Caitlin again rushed to absorb a part of the pain, but this time her face turned red and tears filled her eyes."
"Is it that bad?" Jamie asked, putting her arm around Caitlin and looking helplessly at Amanda.
"It's fucking hell!" Amanda screamed, answering Jamie's question. "So help me Tony, if you ever try to touch me again, I'll cut it off! Get away from me, you bastard!"
This was much better when Coupling did it. "She said you can't." "Trust me, the word wasn't can't." Anyway, Amanda has her baby and we cut to Hermione.
Hermione sat forward with Harry's help and strained with all the energy she could muster. A small part of her was afraid she didn't have the strength left to help her baby be born. She'd never guessed that labor could be so exhausting. How was she supposed to do this? There was nothing left…
"You can do it, Mione. I know you can."
Harry's voice, whispered in her ear, slid through her entire body like a phoenix tear. Where she had been empty, she felt full. Her exhaustion turned to pure energy. Her doubt turned to resolve.
This would be kind of sweet ("Mione" aside because ugh) if Harry and Hermione had been portrayed as anything like the partnership of equals the author keeps trying to tell us they are. Even then, I'd have still looked askance at the "she'd have given up on giving birth to her own child if not for the Big Strong Man™" thing.
And with one final effort, the newest Potter arrived at Hogwarts.
"It's a boy!" Emily exclaimed. "We have a baby brother."
"Look at his little penis," Emily cried. "Isn't it adorable."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4VDnKkslH4Q&t=15m04s
Alex looked at Emily harshly, but didn't say anything.
"What's the matter?" she asked. "It is cute."
"It's a male thing," Jamie said, placing her arm on Emily's shoulder. "You just broke two rules of the male code. A penis is never referred to as either small or cute."
"But it is," Emily sighed.
Rule #1 of Hogwarts Exposed: it gets worse. Chapter 22 had underage pseudo-incest and a sex scene that makes Hermione's Talent look like the pinnacle of erotica. Chapter 23 topped this with a toddler ogling an adult's erect penis. Now we have an eleven-year-old ogling a newborn baby's penis. And there's still an entire fic and a half to go yet. Oh, and let's not forget:
I think it is totally ridiculous that people make such a huge deal over seeing certain body parts.
... spoken by Emily earlier in this very same chapter. Because sod continuity.
With gentleness just shy of reverence, Harry helped Hermione unwrap the baby. They counted fingers and toes, examined every inch of their baby and smiled.
"Hello, Benjamin," Harry said quietly, pressing a kiss to the top of the baby's head. Then he pressed another to the top of Hermione's.
No, I didn't cut the scene where they discuss baby names.
Sunday, May 29, 2005
"Great One, have you seen the Daily Prophet?" Damien asked, rubbing his hands excitedly.
"Yes, I have," she replied with satisfaction. "It seems our final cast member has at last arrived. Soon we can begin preparation to restore to life Salazar Slytherin."
So he's born on Saturday evening and they manage to get a notice into Sunday's paper?
"Soon? I assumed that you would be keen to start immediately," Damien questioned.
"Eager yes, but sometimes it is best to be patient rather than to rush haphazardly and chance a debacle. Newborns can be, at times, extremely delicate. We have waited this long; we'll allow the mother time to strengthen the child before his sacrifice."
... she said as she twirled her moustache.
"Whatever you feel is best, Great One." Damien hesitated slightly before continuing. "Are you at all concerned, now that we have the full prophecy and know that the reincarnated Salazar Slytherin can be eradicated?"
"Not at all," Emma Wrong answered confidently. "My advisors tell me that Sight and Health refer to the same individuals as Seer and Healer. Tell me how can two innocents that have died bringing about his return possibly be a part of his demise?"
So the prophecy says that Slytherin can be defeated by the people who've been sacrificed to bring him back? This is the worst prophecy ever.
"It would seem highly implausible," Damien agreed.
Welcome to Hogwarts Exposed.
"It hardly seems possible that you gave birth less than twenty-four hours ago," Severus commented, entranced by the vision that had just opened the door to the Potters' quarters.
"One of the many advantages of being a witch rather than a muggle," Hermione said. "Our bodies practically snap back to their original proportions after giving birth, especially when you have the aid of Poppy and your own private Hyperempath."
Hermione noted that Severus' eyes had become rather fixed on her breasts.
Nudity: completely nonsexual!
"Well, not everything returned quite to normal," she said, slightly self-conscious. "I'm afraid I'm stuck with these until I stop breast feeding."
Before becoming pregnant, Hermione had possessed a striking 37-24-35 figure.
Of course she did.
Her waist and hips had over night returned to their former proportions and her butt and stomach were as firm and tight as ever. Her breasts, however, over the course of the past nine months had grown to a size at least half again as large as previously.
I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure you don't grow from a 37 to over 9000 55.5 over the course of a pregnancy.
Although their size alone would warrant attracting attention, the fact that they also totally defied gravity made them an awe inspiring sight.
Unfortunately, they didn't totally defy gravity enough to float her off into the air never to return, opening the way for canon!Hermione to take her rightful place and sort out these fuckers.
"I'm sorry," Severus said, flustered. "I was staring."
Ladies and gentlemen, the Headmaster of Hogwarts.
"It's not," Hermione replied. "Their firmness is due to the Hyperempathic massages Caitlin gave me through out my pregnancy. I'm sure someone will question me on the cruise about them, and I'm not quite certain how I'll respond."
"Just tell them it's magic," Harry said as he joined them holding Benjamin. "Severus, I don't believe you've met my son." Severus gave a smile and reached out a hand to congratulate Harry. "Hermione, I believe Benjamin is ready for lunch."
"Maybe I should go," Severus said uncertainly. He wasn't sure how Hermione would feel about an audience watching her breast-feed.
"Don't be silly. If it weren't for you, I'd only have one functioning breast and possibly be unable to do this," Hermione said gratefully as she was seated and took Ben into her arms.
This is the first time that the nipple-nomming incident, and Snape's laying on hands routine, has been directly mentioned since it happened. I guess Hooch wasn't in the scene with Damien and Wrong because it was her lunch break.
"Anyone care to fill me in on what you two are talking about?" Harry asked.
"Severus has asked Jamie to teach classes for the remainder of the semester, similar to what she did when you and I had to attend the hearing concerning Timmy's custody. It will allow Benjamin and me time to be together and get to know each other."
Yeah, just put a sixth-former in charge of classes. What could possibly go wrong? HE!Snape has no business being in charge of a school. Or anything, for that matter.
Thursday, June 30, 2005
The end of the year feast took place amid decorations of scarlet and gold. Gryffindor House had managed to win the House championship despite losing the Quidditch Cup to Slytherin.
I don't think I've ever seen anyone in Hogwarts Exposed being awarded or docked house points.
It was late before they fell asleep, neither wanting the day or the school year to end. It seemed they had no sooner fallen asleep, than morning arrived. Too soon, it was time to depart for Hogsmeade and the waiting Hogwarts Express.
Jamie, Caitlin and Emily had all ridden down to Hogsmeade to see their friends off. By the time they arrived at the station, Jamie's face was tear stained as she frantically held onto Alex.
"I'm going to miss you too," he said, putting his arm around Jamie and trying to calm her. "More than words can say. You'll never be out of my thoughts. I'll owl you every day."
It occurred to me reading this that I'm not sure that "owl" as a verb actually appears in the books themselves. I think it's a PoU thing: that's the earliest popular fic I've seen that uses it (even the Draco Trilogy sticks to "send an owl", at least in the first fic) and we know that it's what this author dearly wishes he could write.
Emily raised her eyebrows, as she turned to Kim. "If I ever become as sickening as those two, please put me out of my misery. I mean… I want to experience love, but they're almost nauseating."
When even your own characters are sporking the romance, you know it's bad.
"Almost as bad as them," Kim said indicating Caitlin and Matt. "I intent to give Randy a kiss on the cheek and send him on his way when we reach London, but it seems they have something more personal in mind."
Emily watched as Matt and Caitlin drew closer to each other, finally exchanging a kiss that was most certainly not platonic. "Wow!" Emily said, staggered. "They've evidently been practicing. You don't kiss like that on your first try."
"I imagine not," Kim said in agreement as the warning whistle blew.
"See you in August," Kim shouted as she ran toward the train and an anxiously waiting Randy.
As long as he wasn't Randily waiting.
As they had the previous year, the girls waved, and then just stood watching until the train finally disappeared out of sight. Then they turned and headed home to Hogwarts, with Emily and Caitlin each holding one of Jamie's hands.
Fin.
Hogwarts Too Exposed is quite simply the worst thing I've ever read, and I've got through some shit in my time. Everything that was wrong with the first Hogwarts Exposed makes a reappearance, turned up to eleven and beyond. As I've discussed a few times in the comments, it doesn't seem to know what it wants to be and ends up doing nothing well. We're left with a disjointed, incoherent muddle that looks like bits of several other stories clumsily stitched together, and the shoddy continuity and pacing don't help. As for the actual characterisation, none of the Harry Potter cast are recognisable as themselves even allowing for the fact that it's a distant sequel; the original characters are bland and unrealised, and utterly unlikeable on the rare occasion that they rise above this. The writing itself is messy and laden with more basic errors after four betas have gone over it than most people have in their first drafts. Don't even get me started on the paedophilia and sexism.
Overexposed is by all accounts worse.
This is why the final chapter of the first fic was by far the longest, as the author realised that all the titting about with the inconsequential (and later entirely forgotten) penultimate chapter was doing nothing to give us any resolution. Or anything at all, really. Now Hogwarts Too Exposed seems to have a slightly different problem, in that we've had the brief resolution and now there's just a bunch of stuff happening, which seems to be trying to set up the next story. There's nothing wrong with the resolution of one story leading into the set-up of the sequel, of course, but there is when it stops being a resolution altogether.
Anyway, without further ado, here's the final chapter of Hogwarts Too Exposed.
"I…I…was just trying to cover her, Sir," Tyler said nervously to the Potions Master. "She was having some sort of seizure or something, and I didn't want her being exposed."
"A likely story. From here it looks more like you were taking advantage of an opportunity to cop yourself a feel, or is this something you and Miss Zacherley do on a regular basis?" Malfoy asked sarcastically.
I can't tell whether HE!Draco is trying too hard to be Trilogy!Draco, canon!Snape or both, and it doesn't help that I don't think the author himself knows which he's going for.
"No Sir," Tyler said defensively. "We aren't seeing each other any more and even if we were, I'd never take advantage of her."
It's great how the bit he denies first is that he's seeing her and not, you know, indecent assault. I hate this fic.
"Yes, yes indeed," Draco said. "I think you and I should pay the Headmaster a visit Mr. Bancroft. Miss Thatcher will you please accompany Miss Zacherley to the infirmary and explain to Madam Pomfrey exactly what transpired." Without further comment, Professor Malfoy grabbed Tyler by the shoulder and led him out of the Great Hall.
They had barely departed the room when Dick Bancroft rounded on Emily. "You fucking little tart!" Dick screamed.
Remind me why we're supposed to take this idiot seriously as an antagonist.
"You dress like a tramp, and who gets in trouble - my little brother? If he gets expelled, consider yourself as good as dead!"
That's never going to happen, because it would require HE!Snape to have enough of a backbone to discipline a pupil. Even if he wasn't busy screwing his subordinates at the time. As for Dick the dick, he's never managed to do more than mildly irritate our sainted protagonists in the past, so why should he suddenly have any luck now?
"What happened?" Hermione queried anxiously as Harry and she rushed into the hospital wing with Jamie and Caitlin right on their heels.
"I'm not quite sure," Poppy answered. "She has a bump on her head and a few minor cuts, but other than that she seems fine physically. Emily doesn't remember what happened, but Miss Thatcher says she went into some sort of trance followed by a seizure."
Jamie's face turned insipid.
To match her characterisation.
"Did she talk when she was in the trance?" she asked.
"Yes, but Miss Thatcher said it was in a deep raspy voice, sounding nothing at all like Emily," Pomfrey said.
"She's a seer!" Jamie said, sounding both nervous and confused. "That's the way Dad was when he gave a foretelling. But only males in his lineage ever had the gift. Why Emily?"
Because the plot demanded it.
"Perhaps because there are no additional males to insure the legacy continues," Hermione theorized.
Or perhaps the author is just pulling things out of his arse. It doesn't help that Mr Zacherley was never seen to give a prophecy, and was killed off by something he should really seen coming a mile away, even if it was retconned to be a targeted assassination rather than a narratively unsatisfying accident. The best bit is that all the foreshadowing was of Jamie becoming a seer rather than Emily, such as her ability to read people's intentions (what happened to that, anyway?) and seeing Slytherin in the Boggart.
"How are you feeling Slytherin?" Harry said as he opened the drapes to find the two girls seated on the side of the bed, absorbed in conversation.
Good question. How is she feeling Slytherin?
After everyone was contented that Emily was indeed satisfactory, Hermione asked. "Exactly what happened at breakfast?"
"She'll have to tell you," Emily said, indicating Kim. "My body was there, but my mind evidently took a short holiday. I remember taking a sip of my orange juice and then the next thing I knew, I was laying on the floor with Tyler on top of me."
Harry expression abruptly turned to one of anger. "We heard what he did to you," he said comfortingly. "Bancroft has been suspended pending an inquiry."
So Tyler gets suspended for an oh-so-wacky misunderstanding when his brother didn't get so much as detention for trying to murder Jamie in front of the whole school.
"No, they can't" shouted Kim. "He was only trying to help."
"Trying to help?" Hermione said incredulously. "How exactly does lying on top of my daughter and cupping her bare breasts qualify as helping?"
"I think he actually was trying to help," Emily said guiltily as she got to her feet.
I recently read RPGnet's recap of the first two and a bit Gor novels, and I think I now know where the author got the inspiration for his dialogue. Not to mention his attitude to women.
Hermione shook her head in dismay. "Emily, I know you're a nudist. We all are, but even though we'd prefer to be naked, we live in a textile world.
And she is a textile girl. Or, well, not.
You can not go about the school dressed like that."
But she also can, and evidently did.
"Emily had just taken a sip of her juice," Kim continued. "I initially thought the glass had slipped and broken, but then I noticed her hand was bleeding. She must have squeezed the glass so hard that it crushed."
Caitlin and Jamie both flinched at the thought.
Over the course of Hogwarts Exposed, we've had characters tortured almost to death, shot, on the blunt end of a spirit link with someone tortured almost to death and shot, crash their broomsticks and get caught up in terrorist attacks. I think they're past flinching at someone breaking a glass in her hand, especially as Madam Pomfrey can fix that kind of thing quicker than blinking.
"I asked her if she was okay, but she didn't answer me. Emily had the strangest look on her face," Kim explained. "She seemed to be staring off at something in the distance, yet not really looking at anything."
Jamie nodded her head, indicating that was the way her father acted when giving a divination.
Not that we ever saw this.
"Then she got to her feet and spoke, but it wasn't Emily's voice. It sounded like some man with a deep raspy voice had took over her body," Kim explained. "And loud, the voice was so loud that everyone in the hall dropped what they were doing and looked in our direction."
"Do you remember what she said?" Caitlin asked.
"Not all of it," Kim admitted. "It was about Lord Slytherin returning and the blood of innocents. I think …"
But Kim didn't have to go any further. Something she had said seemed to have triggered a response in Emily. She got to her feet and in the same deep raspy voice as before proclaimed:
... exactly what was proclaimed before. Because that's how prophecies work in the Potterverse. Remember how Trelawney repeated her prophecy at the end of Prisoner of Azkaban?
"THE STARS PROCLAIM THE RETURN OF THE GREATEST DARK LORD
I admit to a bit of a bias against Slytherin the Dark Lord, simply because I find him more interesting as a morally ambiguous figure who did the wrong things for the right reasons. I've mentioned in the comments that if I wrote a "return of Slytherin" fic, he'd be royally pissed off at the people committing atrocities in his name and either side with the good guys or go his own way. Naturally, Hogwarts Exposed (like the Draco Trilogy) is going the "Dark Lord Slytherin" route.
FROM THE BLOOD OF INNOCENTS FOUR,
THE GREAT LORD SLYTHERIN'S SPIRIT SHALL POUR.
This, you'll recall, is Damien's favourite part of the prophecy. Hogwarts Exposed villains don't do subtlety. I'll rephrase that: Hogwarts Exposed doesn't do subtlety.
BUT WHEN SLYTHERIN AND EVIL ARE JOINED,
NOT EVEN THE COVENANT WILL BRING THE RESULT DOWN.
THE DARKEST OF TIMES THEIR JOINING WILL BRING,
SORROW AND PAIN WILL OFT BE THE FAME.
Given that not only does the author use "joining" as a sexual euphemism but makes this specific to the seer thing, for reasons that were never explored... well, there's an interesting image to say the least.
When Emily finished, she again, like in the Great Hall, fell to the floor and went into a spasm.
Madam Pomfrey had by now joined them, having rushed out of her office as Emily had once more bellowed out the prophecy.
"It's best not to touch her," Jamie warned as Emily gyrated on the floor.
I don't think the author knows what "gyrate" means. I don't even know what he thinks it means, because what he's saying here is that she's spinning on the floor. That doesn't say "seizure" so much as "impromptu breakdancing routine".
"It only lasts a few minutes. Our goal with my father was to make sure he did harm himself."
Well, that explains why he's dead.
"So do you think it was the real thing?" Ron asked as he and Sam joined Harry and Hermione for afternoon tea a few hours later. "After a few years of Trelawney, I can't say that I have much faith in divination."
I think it had been firmly established by this point that, although things like crystal balls and tea leaves are mostly charlatanry, her actual prophetic trances were real enough.
Ron nodded his head, but avoided looking in the direction of the kitchen. Sam and Hermione were doing their normal nude bonding thing that they now did whenever together. Ron was finding it extremely difficult to not stare at the eight plus months pregnant Hermione.
Because now is a perfect time for a "yay nudists!" interlude.
"Ron, did you notice how firm and perky Hermione's breasts are even though she's pregnant and they've gotten so large? It's because Caitlin gives her Hyperempathic massages three times a week. She doesn't have one single stretch mark either."
Oh, and she and the baby are perfectly healthy, but who cares about such trifling little details as that?
"I didn't notice," Ron mistakenly lied as his face turned red, once more reminding his old friends of the violent shade of red his hair.
So was he mistaken or was he lying?
"Well then come and take a look at her," Sam insisted. "I'm going to asked Caitlin if she will give me treatments when we get pregnant."
I guess this is "we get pregnant" in the "we are a grandmother" sense, because I don't think Ron's going to be getting pregnant any time soon. Though I'm not going to lie: if this author did a collaboration with MotS, then no force in the universe could restrain my morbid curiosity.
As the Sam and Hermione took their seats at the table, Ron wanted to talk about anything but the cruise and nudism.
"Have you figured out any of the prophecy yet?" Ron inquired.
Yeah, now we've got the important stuff out of the way, let's talk about Salazar Slytherin coming back from the dead to fuck shit up.
Sam read the first two sections and then froze, staring a Ron and Harry with a terrified look on her face.
"Yeah!" Ron said reading Sam's distraught expression. "Emily is the Seer, Caitlin the Healer and the child Hermione is carrying will be the new heir of Gryffindor."
Or, you know, not.
"What I don't understand is the part about Slytherin's heir," Ron continued. "I thought He-Who-Must-Not-Be Named was the last of his family tree. He's dead and gone and he was certainly no innocent."
"Ron, for heaven's sake, call him Voldemort," Hermione declared. "You were instrumental in his defeat."
For once, HE!Hermione has a point. Even given how superstitious Ron was about saying "Voldemort", I think he'd have got over it in the years since he helped defeat him.
"Timmy," Sam whispered, still not moving. "He's the heir."
"No he's not," Harry said reassuringly. "All that stuff about Draco being related to Slytherin was lies, forged documents just to get the Malfoy family in tight with Voldemort.
Because Voldemort would love to have another Heir of Slytherin knocking about to challenge his position.
Malfoy isn't related to Voldemort or Slytherin."
"You right!" Sam said, looking tentatively at Ron; dreading his possible reaction to what she was about to reveal. "Draco isn't a descendant of Salazar Slytherin, but I am."
For a few moments, no one spoke; then Hermione said, "The documents in court that the judge couldn't reveal, but proved you a pure-blood?"
Samantha nodded her head.
Why is she suddenly Samantha when she's been Sam to everyone for the entire fic?
"As far as official ministry records are concerned, Tom Riddle was the last living descendent of Salazar Slytherin. All records of the very existence of his mother's younger sister have been erased.
"You see, my grandmother had dishonored her family by becoming pregnant out of wedlock at the age of thirteen to a muggle. Such was the disgrace that she was given passage and adequate funds by her father and sent off to America, never to be contacted again.
Marvolo Gaunt had "adequate funds" to pack Merope's unnamed sister off to America and support her, apparently. Yes, I know this was written before Half-Blood Prince.
"My grandmother was a powerful witch and quickly gained renown and respect in the United States.
So much renown and respect that she doesn't even have a name.
Her lineage became a highly guarded family secret. My grandmother was a wonderful woman and so were my parents. The US Ministry of Magic is aware of the lineage and has endeavored, for our safety, to keep secret our heredity."
Why does the US have a Ministry of Magic? The UK does because our government departments were traditionally known as ministries, but I think they've always been departments over there.
Sam looked pleadingly at Ron, who seemed transfixed. "I love you Ronnie. I know I should have told you before, but I was afraid of losing you. Please don't leave me," she begged.
Ron got up and went over to Sam's chair, leaned over and kissed her. Then as he hugged her tightly, he said, "I could never leave you. You're what makes my life worth living."
Well, so much for conflict. The next scene actually has some of that elusive resolution, in that Emily and Tyler make up, but it's just rehashing everything Emily has said before about how:
"And though I appreciate your concern today, the seizure itself was more of an embarrassment to me than being exposed would have been. Tyler, I hate clothes. Nothing would make me happier than being able to be nude the balance of my life.
MISUSED BALANCE COUNT: 52
Somehow, I'd even brave the cold and snow.
Not that anyone notices the cold and snow in this fic.
I think it is totally ridiculous that people make such a huge deal over seeing certain body parts.
Remember this bit for later.
Saturday, May 28, 2005
"Ron if you have a moment before you need to start preparations for the match, I'd like to have a word with you."
"Certainly Headmaster, would your office in about fifteen minutes be convenient?" Ron asked.
But can you get to Snape's office in fifteen minutes from the Featureless Plane of Disembodied Dialogue?
Ron quickly guzzled down his remaining food before saying, "I guess I best be off. No logic in
... Hogwarts Exposed.
Hermione gulped. "Good luck Ron," she said as he departed.
Ron was barely through the door when Harry turned to Hermione. "Okay, out with it," he said. "What's going on?"
"Oh Harry! Ron is going to be so upset."
Now if HE!Snape wasn't such a wimp, we wouldn't need Hermione thumbing her nose at the reader and going "nuh-nuh I know something you don't" to add tension to the scene where he meets with Ron.
"Ron, please have a seat," Severus said as he indicated an empty chair. "I'll not beat about the bush, but rather get straight down to business."
That makes a change.
"Ron, wizards and Muggles are very different and at the same time very similar. As an example, Hogwarts is run on a budget, just like a private Muggle school. I might add, a very tight budget. Sometimes there just isn't enough money in the budget for everything we desire to do."
I don't know why a wizard talking to another wizard feels the need to make the comparison with Muggle schools when discussing something as straightforward as budget issues:
SNAPE: We've got budget problems.
RON: I don't get it.
SNAPE: ... you know, like the Muggle schools you never attended.
RON: Oh, right!
And I like how he specifies private schools, because state schools have never had any problems with HAHAHAHAHA sorry I can't finish that sentence.
Ron looked at Severus uneasily. "Does that mean I'm being sacked at the end of the semester due to budget cuts?" he asked pessimistically.
"Certainly not," Severus laughed.
Apart from anything else, Hogwarts doesn't have semesters. There are quite clearly three terms in its school year.
"These additions create a dilemma because I do not have the funds to hire additional staff. You and Ginervra have the lightest class loads, and therefore, I'm afraid I must ask the two of you to shoulder this additional burden.
I thought Ginny was Virginia in this fic. Yay retcon! Also, I think it would be more expensive to increase the hours of two experienced staff than to hire someone new.
"Not a problem," Ron said, wiping the sweat from his brow and finally smiling. "I'll get together with Ginny this week. I want to get my hands on the textbook as soon a possible so that I can begin preparing. By the way, what is the new subject Ginny and I are teaching?"
"Oh! I'm sorry," Severus said. "Did I neglect to mention? 'Anatomy of the Sexes', it's a sex education course."
Ron sat ridged in his chair, powerless to move or speak. He couldn't believe that he'd just eagerly agreed to teach sex education to thirteen and fourteen year old witches and wizards.
h0 h0 h0!
"Aren't you going to eat anything?" Kim asked, as Emily played with her food.
"I'm not very hungry," Emily responded.
"You're not ill are you?" Kim asked concernedly. "You usually give the boys a challenge when it comes to scoffing down food."
"No, just a little down in the dumps," Emily answered. "I always imagined coming to Hogwarts and playing Quidditch. But in my dreams Jamie and I were on the same team. I always pictured us celebrating a win together. I never envisioned myself having to play against her."
Yes, Little Miss "I told the Sorting Hat to put me in Slytherin" is whining about being in Slytherin again. To the person for whose sake she did it, at that.
"What colors will Caitlin and your parents be wearing today?" Kim asked.
Kim is denser than lead. What the hell house does she think Harry Potter and Hermione Granger are going to support? I'll grant that supporting Slytherin over Gryffindor wouldn't be the most OOC thing either of them had done in this fic.
"That makes matters even worse," Emily muttered. "Caitlin is in Gryffindor and Mum is head of house so, of course, they'll be cheering for Gryffindor and Dad will be sitting with them. I feel relatively on my own."
But only relatively on her own. How dare Harry, Hermione and Caitlin cheer for their own house, anyway?
Kim grasped Emily's hand and gave it a squeeze. "I'll be cheering for you," Kim assured her, "And so will all of Slytherin House and many others. It's not like it used to be; not everyone hates Slytherin."
Though, when they look up to the likes of Dick the dick, have "blood traitor" as their common room password and people get horrified when "nice girls" like Kim and Emily end up there, you'd be forgiven for thinking otherwise.
"I don't believe this," Hermione said disgustedly slamming her copy of the Daily Prophet on the table.
"What? What happened?" Harry asked as he reached for the paper.
"They escaped," she exclaimed. "Somehow
"... I was able to exclaim something without an exclamation mark."
Crabbe and Goyle got out of prison. According to this article, Ministry Wrong is furious; says heads will roll."
"I imagine she would be angry," Harry acknowledged. "Those two were the first supporters of the Great One ever apprehended. Now Emma's lost the opportunity to get any information out of them."
"Everything seems to go wrong for that poor woman," Hermione sighed.
See, it's funny because they don't know that Wrong is actually the Great One! Why don't they know that Wrong is actually the Great One, considering what a complete idiot she is? Anyway, they play Quidditch.
"Alex, why such a depressed look?" Jamie asked as she took the seat next to him and began filling her plate.
"I was just reviewing the tournament statistics," he said gloomily. "We might be tied with Slytherin in games won, but they're leading the tournament by two hundred-seventy points."
"How many?" asked Jamie in amazement. "That means that for us to win the Cup I have to catch the snitch, but can't do it until we're over one hundred twenty points in the lead."
She looked at Alex overwhelmed. "Slytherin's Chasers are superb. The way they work as a team, we'll never get that far in the lead." Then she added gloomily, "And my sister isn't going to take forever to find the Snitch."
[snip]
Burke urged them toward the locker rooms and as they changed into their green robes she addressed them, "The Quidditch Cup is all but ours. Gryffindor can't win it; we can only lose it. We currently lead this year's tournament by two hundred seventy points. Depending on the final score, Gryffindor could actually win this game and we would still win the Cup.
"That in my eyes would be an empty victory. A true champion beats all competition. Not defeating Gryffindor would take the luster off winning the Cup. We have the best team. We know it; let's go out there now and show the rest of the school!"
Everyone applauded as they took to their feet and walked out onto the field where they were met with cheers from the Slytherin supporters.
I bet you can't guess what's about to happen.
"Slytherin 210, Gryffindor 100," shouted Jason Turner.
Jamie searched the sky desperately, Alex's earlier advice echoing in her head. Gryffindor could not win the Cup; they could, however, still win this match, but only if she found the Snitch; and found it quickly.
But it was too late, Emily had suddenly gone into a dive, and Jamie was sure that this was the real thing.
"She's seen the Snitch!" Turner barked.
Jamie laid herself out as flat as possible and urged her broom forward. She'd never make it; Emily was within reach of the Snitch. But the Snitch didn't want to be caught. It kept zigging and zagging, just barely keeping out of Emily grip. But it did remain out of her grasp long enough for Jamie to draw level with Emily.
Then Emily made a critical mistake. She allowed her attention to stray momentarily and in that brief second, Jamie caught the Snitch.
"Jamie Zacherley catches the Snitch," Jason Turner shouted. "Gryffindor wins the match, but Slytherin wins the Quidditch Cup.
That wasn't telegraphed at all, was it? Now you can draw a parallel with how Viktor took the Snitch in the World Cup final, but that worked where this didn't because it subverted our expectations: we were used by that point to seeing the Snitch capture as the moment where the Seeker's team won the match, and many of us had already been asking: why would someone take the Snitch if their team was more than 150 points behind? Viktor answered that question, establishing himself as an honourable young man who'd rather lose on his own terms than draw out the game when his side were so obviously outclassed, and this honour became the key point of his characterisation throughout Goblet of Fire. On the other hand, the most you can say about this is that it does resolve a subplot. When resolution has been thin on the ground at this stage of Too Exposed, that's at least something, even when done in such a perfunctory and (almost literally) by-the-numbers manner.
Jamie turned to where she expected to find Emily, but her sister was flying in the direction of the Gryffindor stands, where rather than the normal celebration, there seemed to be confusion and panic taking place. Someone was being levitated onto a stretcher. Jamie wasn't sure, but it looked like… It was Hermione!
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!
"Harry, I'm fine," Hermione scolded. "There was no reason for you to conjure a stretcher, I could have walked."
"Don't you pay her any mind, Harry," Madam Pomfrey said. "You did the correct thing. A woman about to give birth should not be navigating the stairway of a Quidditch viewing tower on her own."
Hermione shook her head in annoyance. "Because I'm about to give birth does not make…"
She was interrupted by a cry of pain coming from a bed surrounded by drapes in the far side of the room.
Madam Pomfrey looked intently in the direction of the bed. "Foolish girl," she said dejectedly. "Refuses to let me give her anything for the pain. Says that she deserves to suffer. It's her punishment for getting pregnant."
I know there are actually people who do believe things like that, but the existence of such a belief system hasn't been established in Hogwarts Exposed. As such, for it to suddenly appear from nowhere like this looks like yet another tractum ex culo moment.
"Amanda! Is that Amanda?" Jamie inquired excitedly. "Is she going to deliver tonight, also?"
"Yes," Madam Pomfrey answered. "It seems I'm about to have a rather busy evening."
Yay for contrived coincidences!
Amanda's face broke into a smile when the drapes opened and she saw her best friend and her family.
Not least because she was last in a scene with her supposedly best friend in Chapter 17, six months ago.
At that moment Hermione had a contraction and grabbed onto Jamie for support.
"Are you delivering tonight also?" Amanda asked hopefully.
"It would seem so," Hermione said taking a deep breath and regaining her equanimity.
Yes, I think we've established that they're giving birth simultaneously. Probably because the author could only be arsed to write one childbirth scene, though this may be just as well.
Hermione took the frightened girl's hand in her own. "Would you like it if I had Madam Pomfrey slide our two beds together? Then we could give each other support."
"Is that possible?" Amanda asked hopefully.
Madam Pomfrey stared at Hermione questioningly. "It would be possible," she said waveringly, "but I would advise against it. If we did that, neither of you would be afforded any privacy."
[snippage]
"Now that you've gotten that out of the way," Pomfrey said skeptically, "suppose you slip out of your clothes and put this on so that I can check how far along you are in regards to dilation." She handed Hermione a hospital gown.
"Ugh! You're not actually going to wear that hideous thing, are you?" Emily said, sounding utterly grossed out.
Hermione looked at the revoltingly gown, rubbed her head and said, "No, I'm not." She handed the gown back to Madam Pomfrey, who took it with a befuddled look on her face.
Hermione squeezed Harry's hand and gave him a brief light kiss on the lips. "I imagine this erases any existing doubts about whether I'm a true nudist or not," she said as she disrobed and climbed into the bed.
Because you've got to fill the nudity quota somehow, right?
Emily looked concernedly toward Jamie and then at Harry. "Could you make it official? I mean… I know you're not my real parents. I'll never forget them or stop loving them, but I love you and Mum and Caitlin, too." She looked at Jamie, tears in her eyes. "I love you too Jamie, but I don't want them being my guardians anymore; the term sounds cold and unloving. I want to be a real part of the family. I want them to be my Mum and Dad and Caitlin my sister and I want the baby to be my little brother or sister."
Emily's eyes watered and then tears streamed down her face. "I know it's asking a lot, but would you adopt me?" She asked.
It says a lot about how clunkily written this particular character development was that I was slightly taken aback that this hadn't already happened.
Harry squeezed her tightly. "Slytherin, I was hoping that someday you'd ask us that." He kissed her cheek. "What do you think, Hermione? Should we make this little trouble-maker an official part of our family?"
When did Harry start nicknaming Emily "Slytherin"? I don't remember seeing it at all hitherto.
Hermione couldn't answer, she was crying too hard.
Women, amirite?
"Hermione, is everyone staying for the birth?" Madam Pomfrey asked.
Hermione nodded, "We talked about it and the girls all want to be a part of the delivery if you'll allow them to hang about."
"That decision rests completely in your hands, however," she looked at the somewhat grimy condition of Jamie and Emily's Quidditch robes, "they'll both need to return to their dorms and change first."
Jamie and Emily exchanged quick looks, neither wanting to leave for fear of missing something.
"Couldn't we just take our Quidditch robes off and stay," Jamie asked hopefully.
"Certainly," Madam Pomfrey replied. "I didn't realize you had other clothes on under your team uniforms.
"We don't," Emily said timidly. "Is that all right?"
Pomfrey gazed at Emily and Jamie. "You two are unbelievable," she said in disbelief. "Actually that would be acceptable. A sanitizing charm is in reality more affective on bare skin than clothing."
Isn't that convenient?
The girls had only just finished disrobing, when Tony and Alex rushed into the infirmary unannounced. Tony took one look at Jamie and stopped in his tracks, quickly turning his head away.
"I'm sorry," he said, totally flustered. "When I returned to Slytherin House, I was told Amanda was here."
"Get a grip man," Alex said, placing a hand on Tony's shoulder. "Jamie's a naturist. It doesn't faze her or the other girls if you see them nude. It's their preferred way to be."
This message brought to you by the Naturism Council.
"What about you?" Tony asked nervously. "Don't you mind if other's see her naked."
"At one time it bothered me quite a bit," Alex said honestly, "but Jamie is an individual who has the right to live her life as she deems. I love her; I don't own her.
Yeah, who does Tony think they are? Harry and Hermione?
Besides," Alex winked at Jamie, "others may get to see how truly magnificent she is, but I'm the one that gets to hold and kiss her."
"Of course I don't own her (but I totally do!)"
Alex stopped briefly to kiss Jamie and then the three together approached Amanda's bed. Tony went to the side of the bed in order to take Amanda's hand and kiss her cheek, while Jamie and Alex remained standing at the foot end of the bed.
Alex could have pretended not to look, but instead grinned. "I like what you've done with you hair, Amanda. But then I've always liked the smooth look," he said as he mischievously patted Jamie's bikini area.
Yeah, the "forcibly shaved by a back-alley abortionist" look is in this season. Wanker. And when has Jamie ever worn a bikini?
"Behave yourself, Alex," Jamie said half-heartedly, a blush on her face. "We're not alone."
Instead of being discomforted by Alex's comment, Amanda was instead giggling. "Alex, you've always had a knack of putting me at ease."
Why on Earth would that comment amuse her and put her at ease? This makes no sense on any level at all.
Suddenly the smile and the giggle were replaced with a shrill scream as Amanda endured another contraction, her worst yet. Caitlin again rushed to absorb a part of the pain, but this time her face turned red and tears filled her eyes."
"Is it that bad?" Jamie asked, putting her arm around Caitlin and looking helplessly at Amanda.
"It's fucking hell!" Amanda screamed, answering Jamie's question. "So help me Tony, if you ever try to touch me again, I'll cut it off! Get away from me, you bastard!"
This was much better when Coupling did it. "She said you can't." "Trust me, the word wasn't can't." Anyway, Amanda has her baby and we cut to Hermione.
Hermione sat forward with Harry's help and strained with all the energy she could muster. A small part of her was afraid she didn't have the strength left to help her baby be born. She'd never guessed that labor could be so exhausting. How was she supposed to do this? There was nothing left…
"You can do it, Mione. I know you can."
Harry's voice, whispered in her ear, slid through her entire body like a phoenix tear. Where she had been empty, she felt full. Her exhaustion turned to pure energy. Her doubt turned to resolve.
This would be kind of sweet ("Mione" aside because ugh) if Harry and Hermione had been portrayed as anything like the partnership of equals the author keeps trying to tell us they are. Even then, I'd have still looked askance at the "she'd have given up on giving birth to her own child if not for the Big Strong Man™" thing.
And with one final effort, the newest Potter arrived at Hogwarts.
"It's a boy!" Emily exclaimed. "We have a baby brother."
"Look at his little penis," Emily cried. "Isn't it adorable."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4VDnKkslH4Q&t=15m04s
Alex looked at Emily harshly, but didn't say anything.
"What's the matter?" she asked. "It is cute."
"It's a male thing," Jamie said, placing her arm on Emily's shoulder. "You just broke two rules of the male code. A penis is never referred to as either small or cute."
"But it is," Emily sighed.
Rule #1 of Hogwarts Exposed: it gets worse. Chapter 22 had underage pseudo-incest and a sex scene that makes Hermione's Talent look like the pinnacle of erotica. Chapter 23 topped this with a toddler ogling an adult's erect penis. Now we have an eleven-year-old ogling a newborn baby's penis. And there's still an entire fic and a half to go yet. Oh, and let's not forget:
I think it is totally ridiculous that people make such a huge deal over seeing certain body parts.
... spoken by Emily earlier in this very same chapter. Because sod continuity.
With gentleness just shy of reverence, Harry helped Hermione unwrap the baby. They counted fingers and toes, examined every inch of their baby and smiled.
"Hello, Benjamin," Harry said quietly, pressing a kiss to the top of the baby's head. Then he pressed another to the top of Hermione's.
No, I didn't cut the scene where they discuss baby names.
Sunday, May 29, 2005
"Great One, have you seen the Daily Prophet?" Damien asked, rubbing his hands excitedly.
"Yes, I have," she replied with satisfaction. "It seems our final cast member has at last arrived. Soon we can begin preparation to restore to life Salazar Slytherin."
So he's born on Saturday evening and they manage to get a notice into Sunday's paper?
"Soon? I assumed that you would be keen to start immediately," Damien questioned.
"Eager yes, but sometimes it is best to be patient rather than to rush haphazardly and chance a debacle. Newborns can be, at times, extremely delicate. We have waited this long; we'll allow the mother time to strengthen the child before his sacrifice."
... she said as she twirled her moustache.
"Whatever you feel is best, Great One." Damien hesitated slightly before continuing. "Are you at all concerned, now that we have the full prophecy and know that the reincarnated Salazar Slytherin can be eradicated?"
"Not at all," Emma Wrong answered confidently. "My advisors tell me that Sight and Health refer to the same individuals as Seer and Healer. Tell me how can two innocents that have died bringing about his return possibly be a part of his demise?"
So the prophecy says that Slytherin can be defeated by the people who've been sacrificed to bring him back? This is the worst prophecy ever.
"It would seem highly implausible," Damien agreed.
Welcome to Hogwarts Exposed.
"It hardly seems possible that you gave birth less than twenty-four hours ago," Severus commented, entranced by the vision that had just opened the door to the Potters' quarters.
"One of the many advantages of being a witch rather than a muggle," Hermione said. "Our bodies practically snap back to their original proportions after giving birth, especially when you have the aid of Poppy and your own private Hyperempath."
Hermione noted that Severus' eyes had become rather fixed on her breasts.
Nudity: completely nonsexual!
"Well, not everything returned quite to normal," she said, slightly self-conscious. "I'm afraid I'm stuck with these until I stop breast feeding."
Before becoming pregnant, Hermione had possessed a striking 37-24-35 figure.
Of course she did.
Her waist and hips had over night returned to their former proportions and her butt and stomach were as firm and tight as ever. Her breasts, however, over the course of the past nine months had grown to a size at least half again as large as previously.
I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure you don't grow from a 37 to over 9000 55.5 over the course of a pregnancy.
Although their size alone would warrant attracting attention, the fact that they also totally defied gravity made them an awe inspiring sight.
Unfortunately, they didn't totally defy gravity enough to float her off into the air never to return, opening the way for canon!Hermione to take her rightful place and sort out these fuckers.
"I'm sorry," Severus said, flustered. "I was staring."
Ladies and gentlemen, the Headmaster of Hogwarts.
"It's not," Hermione replied. "Their firmness is due to the Hyperempathic massages Caitlin gave me through out my pregnancy. I'm sure someone will question me on the cruise about them, and I'm not quite certain how I'll respond."
"Just tell them it's magic," Harry said as he joined them holding Benjamin. "Severus, I don't believe you've met my son." Severus gave a smile and reached out a hand to congratulate Harry. "Hermione, I believe Benjamin is ready for lunch."
"Maybe I should go," Severus said uncertainly. He wasn't sure how Hermione would feel about an audience watching her breast-feed.
"Don't be silly. If it weren't for you, I'd only have one functioning breast and possibly be unable to do this," Hermione said gratefully as she was seated and took Ben into her arms.
This is the first time that the nipple-nomming incident, and Snape's laying on hands routine, has been directly mentioned since it happened. I guess Hooch wasn't in the scene with Damien and Wrong because it was her lunch break.
"Anyone care to fill me in on what you two are talking about?" Harry asked.
"Severus has asked Jamie to teach classes for the remainder of the semester, similar to what she did when you and I had to attend the hearing concerning Timmy's custody. It will allow Benjamin and me time to be together and get to know each other."
Yeah, just put a sixth-former in charge of classes. What could possibly go wrong? HE!Snape has no business being in charge of a school. Or anything, for that matter.
Thursday, June 30, 2005
The end of the year feast took place amid decorations of scarlet and gold. Gryffindor House had managed to win the House championship despite losing the Quidditch Cup to Slytherin.
I don't think I've ever seen anyone in Hogwarts Exposed being awarded or docked house points.
It was late before they fell asleep, neither wanting the day or the school year to end. It seemed they had no sooner fallen asleep, than morning arrived. Too soon, it was time to depart for Hogsmeade and the waiting Hogwarts Express.
Jamie, Caitlin and Emily had all ridden down to Hogsmeade to see their friends off. By the time they arrived at the station, Jamie's face was tear stained as she frantically held onto Alex.
"I'm going to miss you too," he said, putting his arm around Jamie and trying to calm her. "More than words can say. You'll never be out of my thoughts. I'll owl you every day."
It occurred to me reading this that I'm not sure that "owl" as a verb actually appears in the books themselves. I think it's a PoU thing: that's the earliest popular fic I've seen that uses it (even the Draco Trilogy sticks to "send an owl", at least in the first fic) and we know that it's what this author dearly wishes he could write.
Emily raised her eyebrows, as she turned to Kim. "If I ever become as sickening as those two, please put me out of my misery. I mean… I want to experience love, but they're almost nauseating."
When even your own characters are sporking the romance, you know it's bad.
"Almost as bad as them," Kim said indicating Caitlin and Matt. "I intent to give Randy a kiss on the cheek and send him on his way when we reach London, but it seems they have something more personal in mind."
Emily watched as Matt and Caitlin drew closer to each other, finally exchanging a kiss that was most certainly not platonic. "Wow!" Emily said, staggered. "They've evidently been practicing. You don't kiss like that on your first try."
"I imagine not," Kim said in agreement as the warning whistle blew.
"See you in August," Kim shouted as she ran toward the train and an anxiously waiting Randy.
As long as he wasn't Randily waiting.
As they had the previous year, the girls waved, and then just stood watching until the train finally disappeared out of sight. Then they turned and headed home to Hogwarts, with Emily and Caitlin each holding one of Jamie's hands.
Fin.
Hogwarts Too Exposed is quite simply the worst thing I've ever read, and I've got through some shit in my time. Everything that was wrong with the first Hogwarts Exposed makes a reappearance, turned up to eleven and beyond. As I've discussed a few times in the comments, it doesn't seem to know what it wants to be and ends up doing nothing well. We're left with a disjointed, incoherent muddle that looks like bits of several other stories clumsily stitched together, and the shoddy continuity and pacing don't help. As for the actual characterisation, none of the Harry Potter cast are recognisable as themselves even allowing for the fact that it's a distant sequel; the original characters are bland and unrealised, and utterly unlikeable on the rare occasion that they rise above this. The writing itself is messy and laden with more basic errors after four betas have gone over it than most people have in their first drafts. Don't even get me started on the paedophilia and sexism.
Overexposed is by all accounts worse.