In This World and the Next Chapter 8
At taekarado's suggestion, ITWATN!Harry shall henceforth be known as SCBE, because he's a self-centred bellend.
Lucius Malfoy was mulling over the parchment he'd received from his son, once more thanking Merlin he didn't go angrily barging into that school to challenge Potter's rant against him. The boy was rampaging through the magical world like a horde of giants, flattening all who stood against him. Lucius was only a few school board votes short of being able to turf Dumbledore out of Hogwarts, these latest revelations alone wouldn't quite push his swaying supporters off the fence but it set the old fool up nicely for the biggest fall from grace ever seen.
SCBE is playing straight into the hands of Lucius Malfoy. In any other fic, this would be a sign that he being an idiot and really needs to stop. Speaking of idiots, Lucius seems to be the only antagonist so far who hasn't acted like one. I can't see that lasting.
He may have to allow Severus to take the fall as well though, in the grand scheme of things, this would be acceptable losses. The potion master's main duties were to spy on the old fool; if Dumbledore no longer resided in the castle then Severus would be free to use his talents exclusively for brewing more financially lucrative, totally illegal potions.
Ah, so that's where Deserving!Harry got the IHTYHAC potion. Why would Lucius soil the Malfoy name by hawking illegal potions, anyway? We saw him trying to sell off his Dark artefacts in Chamber of Secrets because he was afraid of being caught in their possession, not because he was strapped for cash. It's the same when he was salivating over the contents of SCBE's vault earlier: I can see him thinking to deprive his enemies of funds to give the Death Eaters a strategic advantage, but chasing the gold for its own sake would make him no better than Mundungus Fletcher in his mind.
Lucius could construct a lab in the manor and use his contacts to procure the more exotic ingredients, while taking a percentage at every turn. Dumbledore would be gone, Severus would be looked after and the Malfoys would make even more gold, that was how a Slytherin operated.
Because when you're an influential nobleman with a Hogwarts governorship and the ear of the Minister for Magic himself, there's nothing more ambitious than setting up the wizarding equivalent of a meth lab.
Dan answered the door to find an imposing woman standing there with an entourage, "Mr Granger I presume? I'm Amelia Bones and these ladies and gentlemen are members of the Magical Law Enforcement Department. Could we please speak with Sirius Black?"
Amelia's entourage literally do nothing in this scene. They're not even described. She might as well be accompanied by a group of clothes shop dummies in wizard robes.
Since she had the opportunity Amelia asked a question that was puzzling her, "Mrs Granger, you seem to be taking the children being married in your stride, I am guardian to my niece who's the same age and I don't know how I would react in similar circumstances."
Amelia Bones had built a career on being able to read people so could say with a degree of certainty that the smile which illuminated the woman's face was as genuine as any she'd ever seen. "Ah but that's purely down to the young man who capture my daughter's heart years ago, they've been best friends for a long time and anyone could see they were perfect for each other. Hermione had numerous educational choices available to her as she registers near the very top of the intelligence scale, when given the opportunity to study magic with Harry her mind was instantly made up. As a mother, Harry is everything I could want for my daughter, I wish they were a bit older but you can't have it all."
I'm sorry, but I can't get past this. I can just about buy the magical ring that creates a soul bond, however much of a cliché and however much I'd rather Hermione have had a bit more (okay, a lot more) agency in how it worked, but it makes absolutely no sense for it to extend to them being legally married without even having to sign the register or anything, even if they were old enough.
The group portkeyed from the Granger's
From the Granger's what? And stellar description there: all Portkeys look alike, after all.
"Albus Dumbledore it would appear that Slytherin house is harbouring a dangerous death eater, once again the safety of Hogwarts students is being compromised."
"Amelia I can assure you, Professor Snape is no threat to the students of Hogwarts. He has my complete trust and I find your accusations unfounded and offensive."
She couldn't hide her smirk, "I never mentioned Professor Snape, since you automatically jumped to his defence it makes me wonder why you immediately thought of him. This bears further investigation but I was actually referring to a different dangerous death eater who's currently hiding in the Slytherin dorms."
How does the Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement not already know that Snape is a pardoned ex-Death Eater?
Snape couldn't keep quiet any longer, "Preposterous, more of Potter's lies aimed to discredit me. I want him charged with slander, libel and defamation of character."
Well, tough shit. He's eleven, as far as Snape knows, but with the POV all over the place in this fic I wouldn't be surprised if everyone knew everything.
Snape stormed from the hall with Amelia, the Potters, Minerva and Albus following close behind. Before leaving, the head of the DMLE gave an order that brokered no argument. "Everyone is to stay in the hall until we return. Anyone who doesn't will find themselves in serious trouble, and I'm not talking house points."
They found the marauders and aurors waiting for them outside the snake's den, it was time to spring the rat trap.
Peter Pettigrew was currently a dirty rat, ever since he'd entered the Slytherin dorm Wormtail had been shitting himself.
Yes, that's what animals tend to do.
His new owner Ron was not too concerned about taking care of his own personal hygiene, far less expend the time and effort to clean out his pet's cage.
I'm guessing that turning Ron into a terrible slob is supposed to make us hate him more, but for me it just makes me take him even less seriously as an antagonist.
The boy had also kept the cage locked tight as his dorm mates had threatened to decorate Ron's bed with rat entrails, the certainty that they weren't joking led directly to Peter's condition.
First-year Draco is a stuck-up bullying jackass, but I really don't see him disembowelling someone's rat and decorating the dorm with it. Next thing we know, he'll be shooting people with a crossbow from the top of the Astronomy Tower.
The moment the cage was open he would be off and running, until then he was a trapped rat as he couldn't transform back to human while confined.
Because the author said so.
Sirius stunned the rat before unlocking the cage and levitating the rodent onto the floor, He and Remus performed the spell together that transformed the rat into Peter.
Remus cast a spell to disarm the unconscious death eater when two wands shot into his hand, Harry hadn't expected this turn of events and had to be restrained by Hermione.
Sirius caught his actions and wondered what the problem was, "What's the matter kiddo?"
"That's Voldemort's wand, this piece of filth must have been in the house that night when his master killed mum and dad. I vote we do him now!"
That's not an image I wanted.
Harry had to think on his feet, "I remember my mother begging with Voldemort to kill her instead of me, when she wouldn't step aside, that wand cast a green curse at her. It then cast a green curse at me, I would know that wand anywhere."
And apparently the story that a one-year-old could identify a wand by sight is convincing enough for the Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement to accept without question.
His revelation had shocked everyone, Harry used those few seconds to grab the wand out of Remus's hand and snap it. Ensuring that it broke cleanly and couldn't be repaired, not even by Dumbledore using the elder wand.
So a rebounding hex from no less than Hermione Granger can't put a wand beyond repair, but being snapped by an eleven-year old boy can. That says all we need to know about Hermione's power level in this fic. If nothing else, it explains the "shit wizard" thing.
Amelia's tone was cold as ice, "Mr Potter, you have just destroyed evidence!"
"No I haven't, it is still clearly Voldemort's wand. I just made sure it would never be used to harm another person again, if anyone has the right to snap his wand then it's me." Amelia had also lost family to this wand and, the more she thought about it was actually delighted it would never be used again.
Voldemort's wand is not the fucking One Ring. I can see the argument that the wand chooses the wizard and eleven-year-old Tom Riddle was already well on his way to darkness, but with Voldemort dead (as far as Amelia is concerned) it's really just another wand. Now of course SCBE broke it so that the new timeline's Voldemort wouldn't have access to it, because it's not like its connection to his own wand saved his arse in canon or anything like that.
Harry turned to the head of Slytherin, "There is your death eater Snape, hiding in the Slytherin dorm. Makes a mockery of your slander claim, don't you think?" Harry wasn't supposed to know that the rat had spent the last four years in the Gryffindor dorm so was saying nothing.
He wasn't supposed to know that Scabbers was Peter, but that didn't stop him.
Two Weasley brothers had spent the day being questioned by aurors before being interrogated by their Auntie Muriel, both knew which one had been worse. At least the aurors didn't criticize their parents and wild upbringing every second sentence. With the castle now in sight, the two brothers could finally see an end to the constant verbal blitzkrieg from the woman who was accompanying them.
Instead of feeling relief that their ordeal was almost over, Percy and Ron had both independently came to the conclusion that this was one more stain on them and their family from the Potters. The Potters mere presence in the Slytherin dorm was enough to make it all their fault in the eyes of these two jealous redheads.
What do you expect? They don't know shit about the other timeline and things nobody is supposed to know in canon yet: all they see is a pair of jumped-up pricks who seem to have it in for them for no apparent reason, and are never far off when bad things happen to them.
Their feelings of anger, leaning toward hatred, may not be based on fact but that didn't make their venom any less toxic. Any opportunity for some payback on the Potters would be grasped with both hands.
And I can't say I blame them in the slightest.
Horace Slughorn was enjoying his return to Hogwarts, though staying at the Three Broomsticks for now. He was the quintessential Slytherin who used his contacts and influence to get what he wanted. Horace had the biggest prize in the wizarding world within his grasp so was proceeding very cautiously.
For once, the author seems to have a handle on Slytherin characterisation here.
Both Potters had impressed Horace with their aptitude and knowledge of potions, with their friends also willing to learn, it quickly became one of the most pleasant first year lessons he could remember teaching.
Hermione was forced to keep a close eye on Harry during potions as his temper was very near the surface, it wasn't as bad as their defence lesson with Quirrell but came close.
It's not like she could do anything if SCBE did go berserk. ITWATN!Hermione is helpless against a shit wizard, let alone a Gary Stu.
Here was the man who knew what Tom Riddle was up to yet never said a word, had he mentioned horcruxes to Dumbledore then the old wizard would have been certain Voldemort wasn't dead and had an extra decade to search for them. Instead he'd lied and even falsified his memory in order to protect his image as a jovial host who everyone wanted to know.
Slughorn didn't know what Tom Riddle was up to, because nobody had any reason to suspect at this point that Voldemort had made Horcruxes. This was before he came back from the dead the first time, and that one brief conversation was the only evidence anyone had that he knew about them at all. In fact, Slughorn may not even have modified his memory yet: I'm guessing he only did that when he made the connection between it and Voldemort's apparent immortality.
In all honesty the man made Hermione feel sick, she could forgive incompetence, even understand greed but to allow a murdering megalomaniac to survive over some weird kind of vanity almost had her vomiting. That phony smile behind those calculator eyes really turned her stomach.
Once again, we're being told we should hate someone for something he's not only not done yet but is unlikely ever to do in this timeline.
Albus Dumbledore was having trouble sleeping. It wasn't so much a guilty conscience keeping him awake, more that some of his secrets were going to be revealed when they eventually questioned Severus. While his potions professor's involvement in the Potter deaths would not be well received, the revelation that there was a prophecy in play would be a disaster for Albus.
Having this information, Albus knowingly placing the chosen one into an environment where he would be denied knowledge of magic was indefensible. Not unless he wanted to mention that their saviour had to die because the lad had a bit of Voldemort's soul in his head. Albus really didn't want it becoming known that the only plan he had involved manipulating Harry Potter into willingly letting Voldemort kill the lad.
This is supposed to be around the beginning of Philosopher's Stone. Nobody knows about the Horcruxes yet, least of all the one in Harry's head. Dumbledore only became aware of them when he realised what Tom Riddle's diary had been.
He'd spent the last two days calling in every favour he was owed to no avail, Amelia was relentless on the need for Severus to face questioning under truth serum and Cornelius was backing her stance. Pettigrew's trial and sentence were quickly dealt with and the former Gryffindor wailed like a baby as he was led to the dementor. Remus Lupin and Sirius Black had sat unmoved as their former friend was half dragged, half carried toward his fate.
Because it's not like keeping him alive and in Harry's debt did any good in the books. Oh, wait.
Hermione could actually feel the excitement radiating off her husband as she woke, "What's got you in such a good mood this morning?"
His eyes were almost glowing, "Hermione, not only is this the day we learn to fly a broom but we get to go home for the weekend straight after it! It doesn't get much better than that."
I still don't get the going home for the weekend thing. Now some real boarding schools do have kids who go home for the weekend, and if the author had gone with that rather than tying it into the marriage lark it would have made a lot more sense.
She snuggled into him, "Are you going to get yourself placed on the Quidditch team this time around?"
He thought for a moment before answering, "I don't think so, it was always flying I loved, Quidditch just gave me that opportunity. When the new house is finished I'll be able to fly every weekend and at the holidays, I could do without all the injuries I received the last time."
"I for one won't miss sitting in the stand, biting my nails while you almost get yourself killed. We had Riddle jinxing your broom, Dobby jinxing a bludger and not forgetting the special guest appearance by the dementors. All that before we get to the dirty tricks by the Slytherins and Cho making cow eyes at you. I think I'd rather be at home with my husband than watch him defying death to try and win a bit of tin."
Quidditch gets a raw deal in fanfic, and is all too often used as an excuse for writers to soapbox about how much they hate the idea of sport in general. At least I know this isn't going to happen here, not with an author who closes the chapter with a completely random Gordon Strachan quote (more on that later), but I could have done without the gratuitous Cho-bashing.
Harry couldn't help but chuckle, after the life they'd led a school game of Quidditch just didn't seem so important any more. "What would you like to bet the old man objects to my Gryffindor offer?"
"Well I would say that was as likely as a certain Weasley spending Friday night in the infirmary."
Conspiracy to commit aggravated assault on an eleven-year-old boy. Our heroes, ladies and gentlemen!
Harry kissed his wife, "You know me too well love, I suppose we'd better get up and start the day?"
I've held off on commenting how the author doesn't know how to punctuate dialogue properly, because that would just be beating a dead horse by this point. However, I must point out the ridiculousness of using an action that blocks his mouth as a dialogue tag.
When the time came to head out onto the grounds, Harry couldn't hide his disappointment at the brooms laying there waiting for them. He was certain the old man would object but thought McGonagall would have been able to force it through.
Harry has bought new school brooms over Dumbledore's objections. It would have made more sense to introduce this fact before he starts wondering whether they're there or not. The author claims to have a beta, but the fic as posted shows all the signs of being a first draft.
"Well, what are you waiting for?" Madam Hooch barked, "Everyone stand by a broomstick. Come on, hurry up."
At least Hooch is teaching kids to fly in this fic rather than feasting on her colleagues' nipples.
"Stick out your right hand over the broom and say, UP!"
Cries of "UP!" rang out along both lines until broken by Ron's sarcastic laughter, "What's the matter Longbottom? Oh sorry, I forgot squibs can't fly brooms."
What does Ron have against Neville? We haven't been shown how the changes in this timeline have affected Ron's relationship with Neville, so it's clear that he's just executing the whim of the author here. As such, it's hard to care about this scene.
Malfoy and his goons joined in Ron's laughter
Wait, I thought Ron's housemates all hated him. Continuity!
until Neville practically growled "UP!" causing his broom to move with speed and force. It didn't actually move up though, instead it shot straight forward and struck its target with amazing accuracy.
Both the distance and quality of broom involved meant that it probably only just reached into double figures for miles per hour, this proved quite fast enough for Ron Weasley as the end of the broom impacted with his groin.
ITWATN might as well be titled "Ow, My Balls!" for all the times this happens. Considering the reason we're meant to hate Ron in the first place, it's not quite as Freudian as HE!Hooch meeting her end by being impaled on a unicorn horn, but it's getting there.
Hooch was ready for a rant, "I complain to the headmaster about these every year, and every year I'm told there is no money in the budget to replace brooms. These are the best we have available but I fear it's going to take a student being seriously injured before something is done about this."
Minerva removed a shrunken holdall from her pocket, "Mr Potter has provided brooms for his housemates to learn with, after hearing stories of how bad the school brooms were he purchased a set for Gryffindor. I wanted to see for myself how bad the situation was and am now convinced we need to search for patrons to do the same for the other three houses."
And here the brooms are introduced, after they've already been introduced. It would have taken all of five minutes to restructure this scene to flow in a more logical order.
After unshrinking the bag, Minerva began distributing new brooms to her house.
Draco of course couldn't keep his mouth shut, "Cleansweep's Potter? My father would have bought Nimbus two thousand's for Slytherin."
He'd have done better to spend the money on a tutor to help him with his punctuation.
Before any of the staff could say anything, Harry cut Malfoy down to size. "Well that makes your father an idiot, then again we had wondered where you got it from. Giving students who've never flown before top-of-the-line racing brooms is more likely to get them killed than flying the crappy thing you're using."
I have to give credit where it's due here: using high-performance brooms to train first-time flyers would be stupidly dangerous. It would be like learning to drive in a Ferrari.
They were about thirty feet of the ground and flying in a very wide circle when Draco dive-bombed the end of their line from above, he was climbing back up when his laughter was terminated by an audible crack. His broom split in two as Draco fell from the sky, making a detour through a tree's branches en route to his painful meeting with the ground.
Hooch ordered them all down when Tracy Davis's ancient broom chose that precise moment to fail without any assistance from Harry, she screamed almost as loud as Malfoy when gravity exerted its fatal pull on her body.
Yes, we've established that the school brooms are crap. That doesn't stop it being a ridiculously contrived coincidence to have two brooms fail in quick succession. Tracey Davis, incidentally, is a Slytherin who isn't named in the books but appears in JKR's notes. That the author even knows she exists amazes me considering how bad he is with just the book canon.
Harry took off like a heat-seeking missile in an attempt to intercept the girl before her face hit the grass, everyone else could only watch in wonder at the scene playing out at speed before them.
Tracy thought she was a goner, her whole life flashed before her eyes and it didn't bloody take long, there was so much more she wanted to do. Suddenly she wasn't falling anymore but looking into the greenest pair of eyes she'd ever seen, Tracy was somehow lying across Harry Potter's broom and his arm was wrapped around her. She realised that the screaming she could hear was coming from her and closed her mouth, there was nothing she could say to this boy that could in any way express her gratitude.
That's not a problem. She can just swear herself to the service of the Most Noble and Sparkly High Archduke of Self-Centred Bellendery.
Harry brought them both into land and Tracy was engulfed in a hug from her best friend Daphne, Harry found himself being shouted at by Pansy Parkinson.
"You save her Potter yet let my poor Draco fall, what are you playing at?"
Philosopher's Stone, remember? Pansy and Draco aren't an item yet.
Harry's eyes bored right through the girl, "Your 'poor Draco' was attempting to unseat some of my friends, he attempted a dangerous manoeuvre that the old broom couldn't handle. Him lying there is entirely his own fault. Tracy on the other hand was just quietly flying along when her broom stopped working, that is why I provided new brooms for my friends."
Tracy Davis came over and knelt at Harry's feet, "Lord Potter, I owe you a life debt and await your request for payment of that debt."
I was actually joking. Now, with her being a Slytherin, I'm guessing that she's playing along with the "Lord Potter" bollocks so she can manipulate him and usurp his power. That would be a lot more interesting than what the author probably has in mind.
Harry stood straighter, "Miss Davis, as Lord Potter I recognise that debt. As payment, from this day onward, you shall repay that debt by calling me Harry."
He helped an astonished Tracy to her feet, he could have asked anything of her, or the Davis family, yet granted her an easy out. Her eyes sought out Hermione for permission to thank her husband, with a smile and a nod she granted her wish. Tracy kissed Harry Potter on the cheek, "Thank you Harry, you are a gentleman in more ways than one. Hermione is a lucky witch!"
Harry was actually blushing, he pulled Hermione to him. "No Tracy, I'm the lucky one."
A girl getting close to SCBE. She needs to be careful, or else ITWATN!Hermione... actually, she doesn't need to be careful at all.
None of them had seen McGonagall return and almost jumped when she spoke, "Personally I think Miss Davis is the lucky one. Madam Hooch, I am suspending all flying using school brooms until they can be replaced. Mr Potter your rescue and reactions afterwards are to be commended. Fifty points to Gryffindor for saving a fellow student, protecting your friends with the gift of brooms, promoting house unity and your actions afterwards that were exemplarily."
Harry was really blushing now, McGonagall almost smiled. "I know you both are setting off home now but please come and see me first thing Monday morning, I need to introduce you to Oliver Wood."
As McGonagall assisted Hooch in getting Draco to the infirmary, Hermione was trying not to laugh. It would seem the more things change, the more they stay the same.
Like Teddy Lupin being born when the timeline has changed so much that there's no damn way Teddy Lupin can be born.
Albus was lying in wait for them as the two happy students joked with each other along the corridor.
"Mr Potter, could I have a quick word?"
Harry stopped and gave the old man a hard stare before giving a one word answer.
"Velocity"
Of all the uncritical gushing over this fic, this is the line that everyone seems to single out for praise and is one the author didn't even write. It's based on an exchange between the legendarily snarky football manager Gordon Strachan (now manager of the Scottish national team, but not at the time this chapter was written) and a reporter to whom he didn't want to give a quick word.
Lucius Malfoy was mulling over the parchment he'd received from his son, once more thanking Merlin he didn't go angrily barging into that school to challenge Potter's rant against him. The boy was rampaging through the magical world like a horde of giants, flattening all who stood against him. Lucius was only a few school board votes short of being able to turf Dumbledore out of Hogwarts, these latest revelations alone wouldn't quite push his swaying supporters off the fence but it set the old fool up nicely for the biggest fall from grace ever seen.
SCBE is playing straight into the hands of Lucius Malfoy. In any other fic, this would be a sign that he being an idiot and really needs to stop. Speaking of idiots, Lucius seems to be the only antagonist so far who hasn't acted like one. I can't see that lasting.
He may have to allow Severus to take the fall as well though, in the grand scheme of things, this would be acceptable losses. The potion master's main duties were to spy on the old fool; if Dumbledore no longer resided in the castle then Severus would be free to use his talents exclusively for brewing more financially lucrative, totally illegal potions.
Ah, so that's where Deserving!Harry got the IHTYHAC potion. Why would Lucius soil the Malfoy name by hawking illegal potions, anyway? We saw him trying to sell off his Dark artefacts in Chamber of Secrets because he was afraid of being caught in their possession, not because he was strapped for cash. It's the same when he was salivating over the contents of SCBE's vault earlier: I can see him thinking to deprive his enemies of funds to give the Death Eaters a strategic advantage, but chasing the gold for its own sake would make him no better than Mundungus Fletcher in his mind.
Lucius could construct a lab in the manor and use his contacts to procure the more exotic ingredients, while taking a percentage at every turn. Dumbledore would be gone, Severus would be looked after and the Malfoys would make even more gold, that was how a Slytherin operated.
Because when you're an influential nobleman with a Hogwarts governorship and the ear of the Minister for Magic himself, there's nothing more ambitious than setting up the wizarding equivalent of a meth lab.
Dan answered the door to find an imposing woman standing there with an entourage, "Mr Granger I presume? I'm Amelia Bones and these ladies and gentlemen are members of the Magical Law Enforcement Department. Could we please speak with Sirius Black?"
Amelia's entourage literally do nothing in this scene. They're not even described. She might as well be accompanied by a group of clothes shop dummies in wizard robes.
Since she had the opportunity Amelia asked a question that was puzzling her, "Mrs Granger, you seem to be taking the children being married in your stride, I am guardian to my niece who's the same age and I don't know how I would react in similar circumstances."
Amelia Bones had built a career on being able to read people so could say with a degree of certainty that the smile which illuminated the woman's face was as genuine as any she'd ever seen. "Ah but that's purely down to the young man who capture my daughter's heart years ago, they've been best friends for a long time and anyone could see they were perfect for each other. Hermione had numerous educational choices available to her as she registers near the very top of the intelligence scale, when given the opportunity to study magic with Harry her mind was instantly made up. As a mother, Harry is everything I could want for my daughter, I wish they were a bit older but you can't have it all."
I'm sorry, but I can't get past this. I can just about buy the magical ring that creates a soul bond, however much of a cliché and however much I'd rather Hermione have had a bit more (okay, a lot more) agency in how it worked, but it makes absolutely no sense for it to extend to them being legally married without even having to sign the register or anything, even if they were old enough.
The group portkeyed from the Granger's
From the Granger's what? And stellar description there: all Portkeys look alike, after all.
"Albus Dumbledore it would appear that Slytherin house is harbouring a dangerous death eater, once again the safety of Hogwarts students is being compromised."
"Amelia I can assure you, Professor Snape is no threat to the students of Hogwarts. He has my complete trust and I find your accusations unfounded and offensive."
She couldn't hide her smirk, "I never mentioned Professor Snape, since you automatically jumped to his defence it makes me wonder why you immediately thought of him. This bears further investigation but I was actually referring to a different dangerous death eater who's currently hiding in the Slytherin dorms."
How does the Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement not already know that Snape is a pardoned ex-Death Eater?
Snape couldn't keep quiet any longer, "Preposterous, more of Potter's lies aimed to discredit me. I want him charged with slander, libel and defamation of character."
Well, tough shit. He's eleven, as far as Snape knows, but with the POV all over the place in this fic I wouldn't be surprised if everyone knew everything.
Snape stormed from the hall with Amelia, the Potters, Minerva and Albus following close behind. Before leaving, the head of the DMLE gave an order that brokered no argument. "Everyone is to stay in the hall until we return. Anyone who doesn't will find themselves in serious trouble, and I'm not talking house points."
They found the marauders and aurors waiting for them outside the snake's den, it was time to spring the rat trap.
Click to viewPeter Pettigrew was currently a dirty rat, ever since he'd entered the Slytherin dorm Wormtail had been shitting himself.
Yes, that's what animals tend to do.
His new owner Ron was not too concerned about taking care of his own personal hygiene, far less expend the time and effort to clean out his pet's cage.
I'm guessing that turning Ron into a terrible slob is supposed to make us hate him more, but for me it just makes me take him even less seriously as an antagonist.
The boy had also kept the cage locked tight as his dorm mates had threatened to decorate Ron's bed with rat entrails, the certainty that they weren't joking led directly to Peter's condition.
First-year Draco is a stuck-up bullying jackass, but I really don't see him disembowelling someone's rat and decorating the dorm with it. Next thing we know, he'll be shooting people with a crossbow from the top of the Astronomy Tower.
The moment the cage was open he would be off and running, until then he was a trapped rat as he couldn't transform back to human while confined.
Because the author said so.
Sirius stunned the rat before unlocking the cage and levitating the rodent onto the floor, He and Remus performed the spell together that transformed the rat into Peter.
Remus cast a spell to disarm the unconscious death eater when two wands shot into his hand, Harry hadn't expected this turn of events and had to be restrained by Hermione.
Sirius caught his actions and wondered what the problem was, "What's the matter kiddo?"
"That's Voldemort's wand, this piece of filth must have been in the house that night when his master killed mum and dad. I vote we do him now!"
That's not an image I wanted.
Harry had to think on his feet, "I remember my mother begging with Voldemort to kill her instead of me, when she wouldn't step aside, that wand cast a green curse at her. It then cast a green curse at me, I would know that wand anywhere."
And apparently the story that a one-year-old could identify a wand by sight is convincing enough for the Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement to accept without question.
His revelation had shocked everyone, Harry used those few seconds to grab the wand out of Remus's hand and snap it. Ensuring that it broke cleanly and couldn't be repaired, not even by Dumbledore using the elder wand.
So a rebounding hex from no less than Hermione Granger can't put a wand beyond repair, but being snapped by an eleven-year old boy can. That says all we need to know about Hermione's power level in this fic. If nothing else, it explains the "shit wizard" thing.
Amelia's tone was cold as ice, "Mr Potter, you have just destroyed evidence!"
"No I haven't, it is still clearly Voldemort's wand. I just made sure it would never be used to harm another person again, if anyone has the right to snap his wand then it's me." Amelia had also lost family to this wand and, the more she thought about it was actually delighted it would never be used again.
Voldemort's wand is not the fucking One Ring. I can see the argument that the wand chooses the wizard and eleven-year-old Tom Riddle was already well on his way to darkness, but with Voldemort dead (as far as Amelia is concerned) it's really just another wand. Now of course SCBE broke it so that the new timeline's Voldemort wouldn't have access to it, because it's not like its connection to his own wand saved his arse in canon or anything like that.
Harry turned to the head of Slytherin, "There is your death eater Snape, hiding in the Slytherin dorm. Makes a mockery of your slander claim, don't you think?" Harry wasn't supposed to know that the rat had spent the last four years in the Gryffindor dorm so was saying nothing.
He wasn't supposed to know that Scabbers was Peter, but that didn't stop him.
Two Weasley brothers had spent the day being questioned by aurors before being interrogated by their Auntie Muriel, both knew which one had been worse. At least the aurors didn't criticize their parents and wild upbringing every second sentence. With the castle now in sight, the two brothers could finally see an end to the constant verbal blitzkrieg from the woman who was accompanying them.
Instead of feeling relief that their ordeal was almost over, Percy and Ron had both independently came to the conclusion that this was one more stain on them and their family from the Potters. The Potters mere presence in the Slytherin dorm was enough to make it all their fault in the eyes of these two jealous redheads.
What do you expect? They don't know shit about the other timeline and things nobody is supposed to know in canon yet: all they see is a pair of jumped-up pricks who seem to have it in for them for no apparent reason, and are never far off when bad things happen to them.
Their feelings of anger, leaning toward hatred, may not be based on fact but that didn't make their venom any less toxic. Any opportunity for some payback on the Potters would be grasped with both hands.
And I can't say I blame them in the slightest.
Horace Slughorn was enjoying his return to Hogwarts, though staying at the Three Broomsticks for now. He was the quintessential Slytherin who used his contacts and influence to get what he wanted. Horace had the biggest prize in the wizarding world within his grasp so was proceeding very cautiously.
For once, the author seems to have a handle on Slytherin characterisation here.
Both Potters had impressed Horace with their aptitude and knowledge of potions, with their friends also willing to learn, it quickly became one of the most pleasant first year lessons he could remember teaching.
Hermione was forced to keep a close eye on Harry during potions as his temper was very near the surface, it wasn't as bad as their defence lesson with Quirrell but came close.
It's not like she could do anything if SCBE did go berserk. ITWATN!Hermione is helpless against a shit wizard, let alone a Gary Stu.
Here was the man who knew what Tom Riddle was up to yet never said a word, had he mentioned horcruxes to Dumbledore then the old wizard would have been certain Voldemort wasn't dead and had an extra decade to search for them. Instead he'd lied and even falsified his memory in order to protect his image as a jovial host who everyone wanted to know.
Slughorn didn't know what Tom Riddle was up to, because nobody had any reason to suspect at this point that Voldemort had made Horcruxes. This was before he came back from the dead the first time, and that one brief conversation was the only evidence anyone had that he knew about them at all. In fact, Slughorn may not even have modified his memory yet: I'm guessing he only did that when he made the connection between it and Voldemort's apparent immortality.
In all honesty the man made Hermione feel sick, she could forgive incompetence, even understand greed but to allow a murdering megalomaniac to survive over some weird kind of vanity almost had her vomiting. That phony smile behind those calculator eyes really turned her stomach.
Once again, we're being told we should hate someone for something he's not only not done yet but is unlikely ever to do in this timeline.
Albus Dumbledore was having trouble sleeping. It wasn't so much a guilty conscience keeping him awake, more that some of his secrets were going to be revealed when they eventually questioned Severus. While his potions professor's involvement in the Potter deaths would not be well received, the revelation that there was a prophecy in play would be a disaster for Albus.
Having this information, Albus knowingly placing the chosen one into an environment where he would be denied knowledge of magic was indefensible. Not unless he wanted to mention that their saviour had to die because the lad had a bit of Voldemort's soul in his head. Albus really didn't want it becoming known that the only plan he had involved manipulating Harry Potter into willingly letting Voldemort kill the lad.
This is supposed to be around the beginning of Philosopher's Stone. Nobody knows about the Horcruxes yet, least of all the one in Harry's head. Dumbledore only became aware of them when he realised what Tom Riddle's diary had been.
He'd spent the last two days calling in every favour he was owed to no avail, Amelia was relentless on the need for Severus to face questioning under truth serum and Cornelius was backing her stance. Pettigrew's trial and sentence were quickly dealt with and the former Gryffindor wailed like a baby as he was led to the dementor. Remus Lupin and Sirius Black had sat unmoved as their former friend was half dragged, half carried toward his fate.
Because it's not like keeping him alive and in Harry's debt did any good in the books. Oh, wait.
Hermione could actually feel the excitement radiating off her husband as she woke, "What's got you in such a good mood this morning?"
His eyes were almost glowing, "Hermione, not only is this the day we learn to fly a broom but we get to go home for the weekend straight after it! It doesn't get much better than that."
I still don't get the going home for the weekend thing. Now some real boarding schools do have kids who go home for the weekend, and if the author had gone with that rather than tying it into the marriage lark it would have made a lot more sense.
She snuggled into him, "Are you going to get yourself placed on the Quidditch team this time around?"
He thought for a moment before answering, "I don't think so, it was always flying I loved, Quidditch just gave me that opportunity. When the new house is finished I'll be able to fly every weekend and at the holidays, I could do without all the injuries I received the last time."
"I for one won't miss sitting in the stand, biting my nails while you almost get yourself killed. We had Riddle jinxing your broom, Dobby jinxing a bludger and not forgetting the special guest appearance by the dementors. All that before we get to the dirty tricks by the Slytherins and Cho making cow eyes at you. I think I'd rather be at home with my husband than watch him defying death to try and win a bit of tin."
Quidditch gets a raw deal in fanfic, and is all too often used as an excuse for writers to soapbox about how much they hate the idea of sport in general. At least I know this isn't going to happen here, not with an author who closes the chapter with a completely random Gordon Strachan quote (more on that later), but I could have done without the gratuitous Cho-bashing.
Harry couldn't help but chuckle, after the life they'd led a school game of Quidditch just didn't seem so important any more. "What would you like to bet the old man objects to my Gryffindor offer?"
"Well I would say that was as likely as a certain Weasley spending Friday night in the infirmary."
Conspiracy to commit aggravated assault on an eleven-year-old boy. Our heroes, ladies and gentlemen!
Harry kissed his wife, "You know me too well love, I suppose we'd better get up and start the day?"
I've held off on commenting how the author doesn't know how to punctuate dialogue properly, because that would just be beating a dead horse by this point. However, I must point out the ridiculousness of using an action that blocks his mouth as a dialogue tag.
When the time came to head out onto the grounds, Harry couldn't hide his disappointment at the brooms laying there waiting for them. He was certain the old man would object but thought McGonagall would have been able to force it through.
Harry has bought new school brooms over Dumbledore's objections. It would have made more sense to introduce this fact before he starts wondering whether they're there or not. The author claims to have a beta, but the fic as posted shows all the signs of being a first draft.
"Well, what are you waiting for?" Madam Hooch barked, "Everyone stand by a broomstick. Come on, hurry up."
At least Hooch is teaching kids to fly in this fic rather than feasting on her colleagues' nipples.
"Stick out your right hand over the broom and say, UP!"
Cries of "UP!" rang out along both lines until broken by Ron's sarcastic laughter, "What's the matter Longbottom? Oh sorry, I forgot squibs can't fly brooms."
What does Ron have against Neville? We haven't been shown how the changes in this timeline have affected Ron's relationship with Neville, so it's clear that he's just executing the whim of the author here. As such, it's hard to care about this scene.
Malfoy and his goons joined in Ron's laughter
Wait, I thought Ron's housemates all hated him. Continuity!
until Neville practically growled "UP!" causing his broom to move with speed and force. It didn't actually move up though, instead it shot straight forward and struck its target with amazing accuracy.
Both the distance and quality of broom involved meant that it probably only just reached into double figures for miles per hour, this proved quite fast enough for Ron Weasley as the end of the broom impacted with his groin.
ITWATN might as well be titled "Ow, My Balls!" for all the times this happens. Considering the reason we're meant to hate Ron in the first place, it's not quite as Freudian as HE!Hooch meeting her end by being impaled on a unicorn horn, but it's getting there.
Hooch was ready for a rant, "I complain to the headmaster about these every year, and every year I'm told there is no money in the budget to replace brooms. These are the best we have available but I fear it's going to take a student being seriously injured before something is done about this."
Minerva removed a shrunken holdall from her pocket, "Mr Potter has provided brooms for his housemates to learn with, after hearing stories of how bad the school brooms were he purchased a set for Gryffindor. I wanted to see for myself how bad the situation was and am now convinced we need to search for patrons to do the same for the other three houses."
And here the brooms are introduced, after they've already been introduced. It would have taken all of five minutes to restructure this scene to flow in a more logical order.
After unshrinking the bag, Minerva began distributing new brooms to her house.
Draco of course couldn't keep his mouth shut, "Cleansweep's Potter? My father would have bought Nimbus two thousand's for Slytherin."
He'd have done better to spend the money on a tutor to help him with his punctuation.
Before any of the staff could say anything, Harry cut Malfoy down to size. "Well that makes your father an idiot, then again we had wondered where you got it from. Giving students who've never flown before top-of-the-line racing brooms is more likely to get them killed than flying the crappy thing you're using."
I have to give credit where it's due here: using high-performance brooms to train first-time flyers would be stupidly dangerous. It would be like learning to drive in a Ferrari.
They were about thirty feet of the ground and flying in a very wide circle when Draco dive-bombed the end of their line from above, he was climbing back up when his laughter was terminated by an audible crack. His broom split in two as Draco fell from the sky, making a detour through a tree's branches en route to his painful meeting with the ground.
Hooch ordered them all down when Tracy Davis's ancient broom chose that precise moment to fail without any assistance from Harry, she screamed almost as loud as Malfoy when gravity exerted its fatal pull on her body.
Yes, we've established that the school brooms are crap. That doesn't stop it being a ridiculously contrived coincidence to have two brooms fail in quick succession. Tracey Davis, incidentally, is a Slytherin who isn't named in the books but appears in JKR's notes. That the author even knows she exists amazes me considering how bad he is with just the book canon.
Harry took off like a heat-seeking missile in an attempt to intercept the girl before her face hit the grass, everyone else could only watch in wonder at the scene playing out at speed before them.
Tracy thought she was a goner, her whole life flashed before her eyes and it didn't bloody take long, there was so much more she wanted to do. Suddenly she wasn't falling anymore but looking into the greenest pair of eyes she'd ever seen, Tracy was somehow lying across Harry Potter's broom and his arm was wrapped around her. She realised that the screaming she could hear was coming from her and closed her mouth, there was nothing she could say to this boy that could in any way express her gratitude.
That's not a problem. She can just swear herself to the service of the Most Noble and Sparkly High Archduke of Self-Centred Bellendery.
Harry brought them both into land and Tracy was engulfed in a hug from her best friend Daphne, Harry found himself being shouted at by Pansy Parkinson.
"You save her Potter yet let my poor Draco fall, what are you playing at?"
Philosopher's Stone, remember? Pansy and Draco aren't an item yet.
Harry's eyes bored right through the girl, "Your 'poor Draco' was attempting to unseat some of my friends, he attempted a dangerous manoeuvre that the old broom couldn't handle. Him lying there is entirely his own fault. Tracy on the other hand was just quietly flying along when her broom stopped working, that is why I provided new brooms for my friends."
Tracy Davis came over and knelt at Harry's feet, "Lord Potter, I owe you a life debt and await your request for payment of that debt."
I was actually joking. Now, with her being a Slytherin, I'm guessing that she's playing along with the "Lord Potter" bollocks so she can manipulate him and usurp his power. That would be a lot more interesting than what the author probably has in mind.
Harry stood straighter, "Miss Davis, as Lord Potter I recognise that debt. As payment, from this day onward, you shall repay that debt by calling me Harry."
He helped an astonished Tracy to her feet, he could have asked anything of her, or the Davis family, yet granted her an easy out. Her eyes sought out Hermione for permission to thank her husband, with a smile and a nod she granted her wish. Tracy kissed Harry Potter on the cheek, "Thank you Harry, you are a gentleman in more ways than one. Hermione is a lucky witch!"
Harry was actually blushing, he pulled Hermione to him. "No Tracy, I'm the lucky one."
A girl getting close to SCBE. She needs to be careful, or else ITWATN!Hermione... actually, she doesn't need to be careful at all.
None of them had seen McGonagall return and almost jumped when she spoke, "Personally I think Miss Davis is the lucky one. Madam Hooch, I am suspending all flying using school brooms until they can be replaced. Mr Potter your rescue and reactions afterwards are to be commended. Fifty points to Gryffindor for saving a fellow student, protecting your friends with the gift of brooms, promoting house unity and your actions afterwards that were exemplarily."
Harry was really blushing now, McGonagall almost smiled. "I know you both are setting off home now but please come and see me first thing Monday morning, I need to introduce you to Oliver Wood."
As McGonagall assisted Hooch in getting Draco to the infirmary, Hermione was trying not to laugh. It would seem the more things change, the more they stay the same.
Like Teddy Lupin being born when the timeline has changed so much that there's no damn way Teddy Lupin can be born.
Albus was lying in wait for them as the two happy students joked with each other along the corridor.
"Mr Potter, could I have a quick word?"
Harry stopped and gave the old man a hard stare before giving a one word answer.
"Velocity"
Of all the uncritical gushing over this fic, this is the line that everyone seems to single out for praise and is one the author didn't even write. It's based on an exchange between the legendarily snarky football manager Gordon Strachan (now manager of the Scottish national team, but not at the time this chapter was written) and a reporter to whom he didn't want to give a quick word.