In This World and the Next Chapter 2
In which Harry and Hermione establish themselves as two of the most loathsome protagonists in the history of fanfic. And I've read Hogwarts Exposed.
The time they spent snuggling and comforting one another was enjoyable and provided them with much needed reassurance, but they were rudely returned to their current reality by a ferret trying to gain access to their compartment.
Harry tensed ready for battle but Hermione's kisses drove all other thoughts from his mind, when she decided to come up for air the ferret and his handlers were long gone.
Draco, Crabbe and Goyle can be repelled by the sheer power of Harmonian twu wuv, apparently. They've probably run to the toilet to be sick. Note that for all the "snuggling and comforting" they're physically eleven years old. When I said this fic was going into Hogwarts Exposed territory, I meant it. What makes ITWATN slightly less horrible in that regard is that they're adults trapped in the bodies of underage kids, whereas in Hogwarts Exposed they only talk like it. I still question why they went back in time by possessing their younger selves rather than being bamfed into the past in their adult bodies if the author wanted their marriage to survive the time jump, and nothing good can come of that.
"It's time to start figuring what we want to achieve here love, if you want to walk into Hogwarts, tell Dumbledore to go screw himself and come straight home with me then I'll be right by your side, but I think we have to decide now."
You'd think with all those commas, the author would be able to spare some for a direct address.
"I don't think they deserve any, they didn't show much in the way of mercy to us! All I'm saying is we need to set some goals and those will do for starters, are we going to take down Voldemort?"
"There is no way I could leave you and stand there while the bastard hits me with an Arvada Kedavra, that's just not happening.
Yes, it's so stupid that they defeated Voldemort.
We could destroy the horcruxes and keep our options open, the day I gave you that ring I was intending for the four of us to disappear to the Black island off the coast of Bermuda, that still sounds appealing to me, let the rest of them drown in the ocean of shit entirely of their own making."
I could do a running tally like the balances and literallies in Hogwarts Exposed, but I can't be arsed. Instead I'll just note that there are seven fucks and forty-one shits in ITWATN and point out that it's OOC for Harry (he does swear, but not that much) and just plain stupid for Hermione. It doesn't make your story more mature to have everyone effing and blinding all over the place, especially when it's OOC; you just look like you're trying too hard. In exactly the same way, though not to the same extent, as tasteless and ham-fisted rape plots.
"That sounds wonderful to me as well but at this point in time we don't have access to Black island, unless we get Sirius out of Azkaban. The reason I stopped you from attacking Malfoy is that his father has the diary, we know what he's eventually going to do with it but not until next summer. We could just ambush them that day in Diagon Alley and take the bloody thing, I have no wish to be petrified or see you fighting that bloody Basilisk to save a Weasley."
Because saving a young girl from a powerful evil magical device containing a fragment of the Dark Lord's soul is such a waste of effort. It's also worth contrasting Hermione's predicament in this fic with her being petrified in Chamber of Secrets, since that was mentioned. In CoS, she had just found out what Slytherin's monster was and how it was getting into the castle, and used this knowledge to save not only her own life but Penelope's as well. In ITWATN, she was overpowered twice by a "shit wizard" for no other reason than to give Harry an excuse to unleash his Gary Stu powers on her behalf because she's got no agency of her own. Anyway, with all the talk of what a load of crap their canon adventures were, next thing you know they'll be sacking off the whole "fighting Voldemort" thing and retiring to Black Island for all the pseudo-ephebophilic "comforting" they want.
"I see what you mean love, me slaughtering the ferret on the train might lose us the diary, though I'm wondering if that might not be a fair exchange?"
"You'll get no argument from me, it all depends on our goals' Harry, if we're going to let Voldemort take over the country then we can throw Malfoy off the astronomy tower tonight."
Oh, for...
"I can't make up my mind whether to feed Ron to Fluffy or lock him in the bathroom with the troll, he and Myrtle keeping each other company in a toilet u-bend for the next millennium sounds like a just punishment to me."
I don't actually know what's so bad about Ron in this fic. I mean, I know what he's done, but no indication (aside from some wizarding equivalent of the droit du seigneur that's been painfully shoehorned in there) of why. Much like in The Last War, he's just an animate plot device. Nor indeed is there any good reason why they need to kill him seven years before he did it. Or seven years before he would have done it. Or whatever.
"Why settle for just the one, couldn't we let the troll work him over and then feed the leftovers to Fluffy? I think we need to decide on Voldemort and everything else will follow from there, we also have to be careful not to appear too knowledgeable and try to stay out of the spotlight, though I understand that will be difficult for the boy who lived!"
Remember this resolution to stay out of the spotlight for later.
Harry kissed her again, "Well my new philosophy is pretty simple, I trust no one but you and that's the way it's going to stay, we're not two naïve kids this time and anyone treating us as such is in for a rude awakening.
Which won't draw attention to you at all.
Let's just keep an eye on how the 'adults' react around us and see if we can spot who's playing games. Our biggest problem may be that I don't think I can survive without you to cuddle into every night, you Miss Granger are addictive and I can safely say I'm hooked!" This ended any conversation as Hermione showed her appreciation of that comment, after all the man of her dreams had asked her to marry him and she was focusing on that to blot out the earlier incident.
The "earlier incident" isn't explored in any kind of depth, to the extent that there was no point using rape in the story at all. Harry might as well have killed Ron because he crashed his broomstick. I'm a lot harsher on this, Hogwarts Exposed, Hermione's Talent and The Last War for including rape because it's just thrown in there to justify the M rating. At least Deserving, although the execution was laughably terrible, was about exploring the "what if the Ministry decided to repopulate the wizarding world by forcibly impregnating ex-Death Eaters" scenario, so there was a reason for rape to be integral to the plot.
Speaking of ratings, ITWATN is rated T. I'm sure it was M the first time I read it, so it's since been rerated. The Fictionratings homepage has this to say about T:
Suitable for teens, 13 years and older, with some violence, minor coarse language, and minor suggestive adult themes.
I'd argue that once there's (even offscreen) rape as more than a passing reference you've gone beyond "minor suggestive adult themes", but maybe I'm just picky. It's probably not enough to justify reporting the story for being improperly rated, but it's enough to justify sternly wagging my finger in its general direction.
The only time their door was opened the entire trip was to buy sweets from the trolley lady, Harry had just left the Dursleys and as usual was famished. The occupants of the train appeared more concerned with the nonappearance of any Weasleys than the two first years who sat cuddling each other the entire journey.
I doubt it. They're supposed to be eleven, which is above the age where a boy and a girl acting like that would be simply seen as cute (assuming we read "cuddling" at face value, otherwise, ick) but below the age where it's business as usual. Someone would surely have noticed.
Leaving the train to the familiar sound of Hagrid calling for the first years tugged on their heartstrings, it was one thing to talk about letting Voldemort take over Britain, seeing Neville standing alone, too shy to ask anyone about sharing a boat, was a whole different matter.
Yes, it takes seeing Neville and Hagrid for Harry and Hermione to realise that abandoning an entire country to the tyranny of the most evil wizard in history might not be such a good idea. Why are we supposed to be on these bastards' side, again?
Both headed straight for him, "Hi there, want to share a boat with us?" Hermione asked.
Neville seemed more relieved than anything else and muttered 'sure' before the three of them sat in the little craft and began chatting as it slowly took them to their new life. "I'm Hermione and this is Harry, we're new at this magic malarkey and, although we've both done lots of reading, we're hoping that someone can take us under their wing and help us out."
This was more than anyone had said to Neville since his Grandmother put him on the train,
... which just makes me realise that new!Hermione was too busy canoodling to help Neville look for his toad. Yay!
We've heard stories about these houses Neville, which one do you think fit's you?"
"Fit's"? Well, someone's clearly not a Ravenclaw.
"Oh you're a definite Gryffindor!" the boy's eyes nearly popped out his head at Hermione's declaration, "You don't think you shouldn't be here yet you're still going ahead, that says Gryffindor courage to me."
"My Grandmother put me on the train and I was too scared to get back off!"
Harry placed his hand on the frightened boy's shoulder, "Neville if you stride up to that stool, place the sorting hat on your head and demand to be in Gryffindor the hat will be forced to place you there, that's true Gryffindor courage."
Behold their first achievement: changing the past in order for Neville to be put in Gryffindor instead of, uh, Gryffindor.
They looked towards each other, only now were the implications beginning to dawn on them, place Harry, Ron and Peter Pettigrew in the same dorm and there would be at least one murder done.
So they're out to kill everyone who hasn't pissed them off yet in the other timeline, but murder is just wrong.
Harry had his arm around her shoulders to show his agreement about them being together, Neville had to ask, "Are you a couple?"
Harry's smile was a beacon on the dark water, "Hermione is my best friend and my girlfriend." She placed her hand on Harry's cheek and Neville's reaction almost overturned their boat.
"I thought you said you were muggles, where did you get that?" indicating Hermione's ring.
"It fell through a plot hole."
"Harry gave it to me, I think it's beautiful."
When is Harry supposed to have given Hermione the ring in the new timeline, considering that it's strongly hinted that the first time they met was on the train and she already had it then? Hermione's curiosity also deserted her in that scene: her reaction to Harry asking how it was possible was, "I really don't give a shit!" Which in both wording and attitude is about as in-character as Dumbledore shouting "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"
Neville couldn't take his eyes off it, "Oh it's beautiful, it's also an old family wedding ring, when the head of an old family places that ring on a girl's finger and she accepts it, that couple are then married!"
We've had inexplicably!evil!Ron, damsel!Hermione, pureblood supremacy taking over the world even after Voldemort was defeated, time travel to fix what went wrong and now a marriage law. All in the first two chapters of twenty-six. I'm guessing that later in the story, Harry will be framed and sent to Azkaban, allowing his hitherto unknown twin who's the actual Boy Who Lived to take his place, get adopted by Snape and become Head Boy, upon which he hooks up with Hermione (who turns out to be really a pureblood) at the annual Yule Ball and they have lots of rampant sex in the Head Boy and Girl's private quarters, and meanwhile Draco discovers that he's part-Veela and hooks up with an American exchange student who's a newly discovered species of super-witch with an anachronistic taste in clothes and music, and they go off and fight the resurrected Salazar Slytherin together.
Neville was trying to understand this couple but had nothing to compare them with, perhaps there was nothing to compare them with? "For this marriage to be binding you would have to be the head of an old family and Hermione would need to want to marry you, this is crazy as you're both eleven!"
"Neville my name is Harry Potter and this lovely young lady has been my best friend for years, I can't think of anything that would please me more than having her as Hermione Potter. I found this ring in my vault and immediately thought of Miss Granger here so maybe you can understand why we're not upset about this."
New!Harry found the ring, thought of Hermione and it magically appeared on her finger, apparently. Even considering that it does rely on her consent, she rather lacks agency in this situation.
They were out the boats and McGonagall had just given them her 'your house is your family speech' when Malfoy made his move, she had hardly left the entrance hall when the blond shoved Neville out his way and stuck his manicured hand out to Harry, "My name is Malfoy, Draco Malfoy. You'll soon find out some wizarding families are much better than others, Potter. You don't want to go making friends with the wrong sort, I can help you there!"
This is, of course, the same speech he gives Harry on the train in Philosopher's Stone. It made sense there in a way it doesn't here, because there Harry was with Ron so Draco had a reason to tell him about how much better his own family was. Now given the general attitude of ITWATN, I wouldn't be surprised if new!Harry actually agreed that the Malfoys were better than the Weasleys. However:
Harry glanced at the offered hand and tried to hold his temper, "Where did you get the idea that I would need an arrogant little albino prick like you as my social secretary?
Clearly he didn't try very hard.
You throw the name Malfoy around like it's supposed to mean something well I tell you what it means to me, your father didn't have the guts or conviction to stand up for his beliefs and used his money to help lie his way out of a prison sentence. Your aunt is a psychopath who's currently rotting her arse off in Azkaban and you have the audacity to stand there and propose to tell me which wizarding families are better than others? Why don't you take dumb and dumber here and run crying to daddy!"
Draco was incensed, didn't Potter know who he was?
I somehow think he's more than demonstrated that he does. By the way, this is what Harry not drawing attention to himself looks like. Hermione, meanwhile, is nothing but a bystander in this scene. And nobody seems to have noticed Harry giving an enormous monologue.
"Potter when my father hears of this…"
Harry was right in Draco's face, "He will do the exact same as his son and wet himself, I dealt with his master when I was a baby so why do you think I would be afraid of the servant now?"
Draco tried to return Harry's stare but the whine in his voice told all the first years who was winning this contest, "The Malfoys are nobody's servants."
"You keep telling yourself that while everyone else can imagine your father down on his knees kissing the hem of Voldemort's robes."
The screams from Harry saying the name were covered by the appearance of the Hogwarts ghosts, McGonagall returned before Malfoy could conjure a witty reply so he sulked away muttering threats of retribution.
Enough people overheard their conversation for there to be several screams at Harry saying "Voldemort", but nobody had reacted hitherto. Apparently.
Harry grabbed Neville and pulled him back to his side, "Don't let that arsehole push you around Neville, you're worth twelve of Malfoy."
Minerva was about to reprimand the boy for his use of language until she realised what he was doing and decided not to hear the remark, it would appear that Mr Potter had already made a friend and the way Augusta coddled Neville this might be the making of the lad. She led the new first years into the great hall to be sorted.
This scene suffers from a familiar problem in that the POV, even if it is supposed to be omniscient, is shifting around so much it's hard to keep track. We've had Harry, Neville, Draco and now Minerva. Not Hermione, for some reason, unless you count her having a joint POV with Harry a few times.
Harry and Hermione were too busy wondering how long it would take the redheads to get here that the sorting hat had finished its song and Hannah Abbot was heading to the Hufflepuff table before they knew what was happening.
... like so. For all she's listed as a main character and the events of the fic follow from something that happened to her, her POV in the story is very much secondary. It wouldn't have been so bad if the author had stuck with a limited narrative from Harry's perspective, but in omniscient it's very noticeable when Hermione's viewpoint seems to be taking a back seat in her own story. And no conclusion that can be drawn from this is particularly flattering to the fic.
When McGonagall called for Daphne Greengrass and Hermione was still standing there, the couple understood that any attempt at staying out of the spotlight was now about as likely as Umbridge making a nude calendar. Harry knew the magical world had its quirks and foibles but couldn't imagine there would be much demand for an 'amorous amphibians' publication.
Yes, we really needed that joke explaining.
"Neville things are about to get very messy, just remember you're our first magical friend and don't worry about any shit that happens around us. We can take care of ourselves, and our friends."
When his name was called and still no mention of Granger, Neville understood what Harry was saying, this revelation would be the talk of the castle, no the whole of magical Britain would go berserk at the news the-boy-who-lived was married, and to a muggle born to boot!
Starting with how in the sweet name of the great purple fuck that was even possible. Anyway, Neville gets sorted into Gryffindor (what a surprise) and:
Minerva had been staring at the next entry on her list wishing she didn't have to read it out loud, her gaze shifted to the two children who were standing holding hands and wished there was something that could be done to avoid the maelstrom that was about to descend upon them.
She has apparently only just noticed that the class list has been altered.
She hoped Albus choked on his infernal lemon drops for forcing Harry to grow up outside their world, "Mr and Mrs Harry Potter!"
And how the class list was altered is a mystery, especially as changing your name when you get married is something you have to choose to do rather than something that happens automagically when you sign the register. Maybe it works like the magic Hogwarts book in Deserving, one of that fic's few genuinely good ideas. Oh, and of course she's been spending the past ten years second-guessing Dumbledore's wisdom. It's not like she's one of his most loyal supporters and his trusted second-in-command or anything like that.
Minerva didn't think the dark lord turning up in a tutu could have drawn anymore attention than the young couple walking hand in hand towards her, they squeezed together on the stool as the hat expanded to fit over both their heads.
Remember, kids: getting married destroys your individuality!
"Mr and Mrs Potter, let me be the first to offer my congratulations on your recent nuptials and say welcome back!"
"Er, thanks I think, can anyone else hear us?"
"Only the three of us are privy to what is said during your sorting Mr Potter."
That was good enough for Hermione who had a load of questions needing answered, "You know we came back in time, have you any idea how that happened?"
"A combination of effects Mrs Potter, can you remember what you said to your husband when he placed the Potter ring on your finger?"
"Of course I can, I'm hardly likely to forget that! I said I'll love you forever Harry, in this world and the next." A semblance of understanding began to percolate at the back of Hermione's mind.
"As usual Mrs Potter you are correct, your husband used similar words when he proposed creating an amazingly strong bond of marriage. When they then used the same dementor for both of you, your souls joined with such force the creature was blasted to pieces, and so I might add were most of the room's occupants."
So all this came about because Harry happened to use the title of the fic in his uncharacteristically eloquent declaration of Harmonian twu wuv, making it so powerful it blew up the Dementor in a convenient explosion that also killed off all the baddies.
"That doesn't explain what we're doing back here though," said Harry.
They could sense something that felt like sorrow emanating from the ancient magical artifact, "You both gave everything you had to give in the defeat of evil and were then betrayed by a magical community that didn't deserve you. You are the chosen one Mr Potter but misguided people stopped you reaching your full potential, with this young lady at your side our world could have been dragged into the new millennium. Instead, an event took place that saw you both flee the country and the scum clawed, lied and cheated their way back to the top unopposed, your work was only just beginning with the defeat of Riddle but of course you chose to support the love of your life."
So did evil!Ron do what he did in order to actively bring about the new dystopia, or just For The Evulz? Either way, we still don't have any indication of why he did it. You can't just go "oh, btw Ron's now evil lol" and expect readers to buy into that without exploring his fall from grace in more detail, which is exactly where Dark Secrets and The Last War failed too.
"The powers that be decided to send you back with your memories and powers intact, they understand that you'll be looking to apply some retribution but now see the necessity for that. For our world to survive the stupidity that is blood purity must be abolished, we need a revolution and you two have been elected to be its leaders."
I didn't think the Sorting Hat was supposed to take sides.
"Only if you sort Ron Weasley somewhere else," Harry growled.
"Unfortunately I don't think I can, he has no loyalty which rules out Hufflepuff,
No loyalty, which is why he was Harry's best friend all through school and helped him defeat Voldemort! Wait.
let's just say his exclusion from Ravenclaw's a given while he has ambition enough for Slytherin there is no guile there."
Because ITWATN!Ron is a "shit wizard", which is how he managed to overpower Hermione twice.
Hermione wasn't going to stand for that, "Oh he managed to pull the wool over our eyes for all those years, I think he would fit right in there."
"I could offer you Ravenclaw?"
"With Cho and Marietta, no chance!"
"Hufflepuff?"
Harry was the one who scuppered this choice, "Justin and Ernie are worse than the Creevey brothers, at least I can ignore them."
Oh joy, even more character bashing. Is there anyone besides Harry and possibly Neville that this author actually likes? I'm not even going to give him Hermione, with all the chickification she's been subjected to.
"Crawley."
"I'm sorry Mrs Potter I don't understand, that's not a house."
"Yes but my house is there, I say we get the fuck out of this place tonight and the country by next week. At least we'll live to see twenty."
I don't know where pottymouth!Hermione made the leap from being a staple of wacky humour fic to something writers think they can get away with using seriously, but they can't.
Harry didn't need the use of language to know that
... he was trapped in a badfic.
Hermione's patience had finally snapped, apparently the sorting hat had cottoned on too because it suddenly shouted "Gryffindor married quarters!" before she could carry out her very real threat.
They used to belong to the Head Boy and Girl.
The couple were then bombarded with questions, which they politely ignored in favour of watching the staff's reaction while chatting to Neville. Harry felt no pain in his head when Quirrell turned around so the chances were good his scar was just that,
So apparently Voldemort is still alive but Harry is no longer a Horcrux. Or something.
"We met on our first day of school, we've been best friends for years."
"When did you get married?"
"Today on the train apparently."
This caused Minerva to do a double take before Harry continued, "We had intended to get married in the future but the ring I gave her means we were married today."
"How did you get a hold of that ring?"
Harry faked a look of puzzlement, "It's a Potter family ring, I'm head of the Potter family by being the only one left, why shouldn't I have my ancestor's ring to give my girl?"
McGonagall was now the one puzzled, "Mr Potter, where did you hear all this?"
"Our new friend Neville told us, why wasn't I supposed to know my rights?"
Because you've only just arrived at school and nobody's had a chance to tell you nor any reason to think they needed to, you whiny, self-centred bellend. The author clearly thinks that Dumbledore was negligent for not taking Harry aside on his first night at Hogwarts and infodumping absolutely everything he learns in all seven books all at once.
"Professor, my entire life I have been told my parents were no-good lazy drunks who died in a car crash, you saying they would have wanted me to attend here means nothing to me."
McGonagall couldn't believe what she was hearing, "James and Lily Potter were two of the kindest and bravest people I've ever met, they are heroes in our world!"
"Yet their son ended up living in a cupboard, treated no better than a slave. If that's how you treat your heroes professor, then maybe you can understand why Australia appears so attractive an option to us."
Harry was placed where Dumbledore knew he'd be safe. If he'd been adopted by a wizarding family they'd probably have met the same fate as poor Frank and Alice Longbottom, and he himself could well have been killed or worse. And (as Dumbledore points out in the very first chapter) the Boy Who Lived growing up in the wizarding world could easily have become a spoiled brat as bad as Draco Malfoy or worse. Canon!Harry realises this, but ITWATN!Harry is a whiny, self-centred bellend.
Minerva had no answer, she'd told Dumbledore that night he was making a mistake leaving Harry there and now it would appear they could end up paying for it.
No, she suggested it'd be a mistake before Dumbledore explained his reasoning.
Harry Potter leaving Hogwarts to attend another school would be a hammerblow to the prestige of Hogwarts and its headmaster. Albus wanted to talk to the boy tonight but she now thought that would be another huge mistake, although they appeared quite open she could sense that their answers were carefully considered before being given, not something she was used to with first year students.
And she was wrong.
"Professor as our head of house we are required to inform you if we leave the school, according to 'Hogwarts a History' as married couple this is our right. It is our intention to leave after our last class on Friday to spend the weekend with my parents."
I somehow don't think that first-years being married to each other was a common enough situation to appear in Hogwarts: A History. Even in the Middle Ages.
Minerva could only nod, "Please give me that in writing after you receive your timetables tomorrow, I know this whole marriage thing must come as a bit of a shock, if there is anything I can help you with please don't be afraid to ask."
Minerva was the one in shock at Hermione's saucy answer, "Professor, this is our wedding night and I think we'll manage fine without any help."
Hogwarts Exposed called. It wants its plot back.
The stern professor was almost blushing as she left them alone, Harry was gobsmacked, "Hermione Jane Potter, what was that all about? You know we're both eleven and that wont be happening for a while yet."
Well, thank goodness for that.
Molly Weasley wasn't mad, she passed mad a long, long time ago, her legendary temper had erupted but the police officers paid it not the slightest notice, with her hands cuffed behind her back and no wand, Molly was powerless to do anything but rant.
Harry is the only person with super-special-awesome wandless powers in this fic. He's not a Gary Stu, honest.
That rant was the reason she'd spent the rest of the day in a cell, had she been calm and explained the incident away as a misunderstanding, the whole family would have been out of there within the first hour.
Because dramatic irony works best when delivered with a sledgehammer.
Thus it was that Molly's fuse was even shorter than normal as she led her brood into Hogwarts next morning, on entering the great hall her eyes immediately scanned the room before locking onto her target. That little shit was going to get a personal howler delivered from a distance of six inches while she held him by the throat, Molly rushed straight at him.
What exactly did she think was going to happen when she tried to attack a first-year in the middle of the Hogwarts Great Hall?
The Potters were sitting eating their breakfast while discussing the timetables McGonagall had just handed them, as the conversation began to die around the pair, Hermione glanced up just as Molly was about to make a grab for Harry.
How she kept that curse to a 'petrificus totalus' she would never know, the temptation to hit the bitch with a 'reducto' was almost overpowering.
She might as well, because the Reductor Curse is for blowing up inanimate objects. Also, spell incantations are capitalised. As are a great many pieces of wizarding vocabulary that the author's shift key has apparently given up on.
Percy Weasley was one angry young man, he'd spent the entire time since receiving his badge dreaming of strolling through these hallowed halls proudly displaying to the school that he was a prefect. Instead, he missed the feast, sorting and leading the first year Gryffindors to their new home. Now a first year had just cursed his mother, Percy drew his wand ready to extract some retribution.
No concern for why his mother had just gone berserk in the middle of the school, or anything like that.
Unfortunately for Percy Hermione's wand was already in her hand and he found himself in the same predicament as his mother, without the aid of porridge to break his fall.
Harry had moved just as fast as his wife, while petrified Molly was falling past him, Harry's wand was in his hand, he gave the twins time to reach for their wands before casting the same curse as Hermione. He switched his attention to Ron and wasn't sure if the boy was more upset about his mother being cursed or the porridge being wasted, not knowing any magic, he let out a roar and charged at Hermione.
Harry's wand tracked his progress but he really wanted Hermione to deal with this, she did! At first it appeared as if she's choked but when Ron was the correct distance away she exploded into action as her right foot connected with excruciating force and painful accuracy on her attacker's groin.
Not for the last time. The main antagonist spends half the story getting kicked in the knackers and meanwhile his mother is being slagged off for what seems like no reason than the fact that she acts like a mother. It's all very Freudian.
Ron landed in a groaning heap at Hermione's feet as her wand now pointed at the little sister. "Are you staying out of this or do we need to deal with you as well?"
Ginny was brought along because her dad had to go to work and the girl was excited, she was going to see Hogwarts. Seconds after she had admired the ceiling her family were on the floor and she had the terrifying sight of an enraged brown haired girl pointing her wand at poor little Ginny Weasley. She could only shake her head as her voice wouldn't work.
Apparently, going completely apeshit and attacking young children is only evil when the designated villains do it.
Harry had been afraid there for a second that Hermione was going to let Ron reach her, had he laid hands on his wife nothing in this hall would have been able to move quick enough to stop Harry killing him. Hermione was standing just that bit straighter after inflicting some punishment on the prick, she'd obviously decided to deal with him physically as that was what she needed to gain that bit of self-respect back. With a wand in her hand Hermione was always going to make mincemeat of Ron Weasley, in this or any other time, now she knew that physically he wasn't going to defeat her either.
Yes, ITWATN!Hermione is such a badass for hexing two unarmed people, kicking an eleven-year-old boy in the knackers and terrorising a young girl. Bravo!
Snape's expression was almost gleeful as he shouted from the Slytherin table, "Twenty points each from Gryffindor and detention every night this week, that also means you lose your privileges for the coming weekend."
McGonagall was also still handing out timetables and it was to her Hermione turned, "Who'e he and can he do that?"
"That is Professor Snape, head of Slytherin and I'm afraid he can."
"So this woman and her family attack us and we get punished for defending ourselves?"
McGonagall could only answer, "You should have let a professor deal with the situation."
"I'm sorry professor but I don't trust any of the staff in here to do that, I will not stand back and watch my husband attacked while we wait to see if a member of staff can be bothered to intervenes. Had the action for defence been as quick as the reaction to hand out punishment we would not be having this conversation, you have forced our hand."
When you need to hand out idiot balls in order to make your characters look good, your characters don't look good.
Hermione held up her wand, "Accio Mr and Mrs Potter's jackets."
The entire hall were riveted by the scene playing out in front of them though some of the older ones were now scoffing at Hermione attempting a summoning charm, that was until two jackets flew into the hall.
Minerva feared she knew the answer but had to ask, "Mr and Mrs Potter, can I ask what you are doing?"
Hermione had it all figured out, "We'll take a walk to Hogsmead, should be able to find a public floo there that will allow us to reach the Leaky Cauldron, from there it's a tube and taxi back home! This morning's incident proves beyond doubt we were both lied to, if this is the best magical school then I pity the rest. That poorly disguised attempt to deny us our rights before we've even finished breakfast on our first morning has indicated what we can expect if we stay here, especially since neither our head of house nor the headmaster has spoken a word in our defence."
This is what staying out of the spotlight looks like.
Albus was now dragged into this, he'd been angry with what Minerva had told him last night, as well as her refusal to bring Harry to his office, he was pleased that his head of Slytherin had cleverly negated their plans for a weekend away from Hogwarts only for the whole thing to blow up in his face.
So he was expecting them to cause a scene in the Great Hall in order for Snape to do what Snape does, rather than simply overruling them and pointing out how ridiculous it is to let two first-years out of the school for weekends.
Albus tried again, certain he would be successful this time. "Mr Potter wouldn't you rather be at Hogwarts than living with your aunt and uncle?"
Harry couldn't believe his luck, "Oh so you are aware of my living conditions there? I have no intention of returning to that house ever again and will be contacting the ministry to find out why I was left on their doorstep in the first place. If that's how the magical world deals with orphans, then I want nothing to do with it or Hogwarts."
Because the Ministry had no idea that Harry was living with the Dursleys, despite having sent letters to him at that address twice. Why on Earth did the Sorting Hat offer to put him in Ravenclaw? And again, would he rather he and his guardians been killed or worse before he ever had the chance to attend Hogwarts?
That last statement could be very bad for Albus, he didn't want events of that night looked into too closely and needed the boy staying in Privet Drive. That blasted ring was some of the oldest and most powerful magic their world possessed, even killing the girl wouldn't alter Harry's status as head of house. "Mr Potter, should you leave Hogwarts this way, it could mean the snapping of your wand and…"
Albus never got to say any more as the crack of the boy's wand breaking silenced him, Harry threw the broken wand onto the floor and offered his arm to Hermione, "Ready to go home Mrs Potter? You were right we should never have agreed to come here in the first place, the schools abroad look so much better. We'll keep in touch Neville."
So he's just thrown away one of the big advantages he's had against Voldemort. Even considering that he's all set to abandon everyone to Voldemort like a true hero, does he think that Voldemort isn't going to want to kill the Boy Who Lived anyway?
Ginny Weasley watched as her dreams crashed to the floor even quicker than her family, Harry left with Mrs Potter on his arm, and Harry Potter's broken wand had landed at her feet, as if to emphasise she would never now marry the boy-who-lived.
"Take that, shippers!"
The time they spent snuggling and comforting one another was enjoyable and provided them with much needed reassurance, but they were rudely returned to their current reality by a ferret trying to gain access to their compartment.
Harry tensed ready for battle but Hermione's kisses drove all other thoughts from his mind, when she decided to come up for air the ferret and his handlers were long gone.
Draco, Crabbe and Goyle can be repelled by the sheer power of Harmonian twu wuv, apparently. They've probably run to the toilet to be sick. Note that for all the "snuggling and comforting" they're physically eleven years old. When I said this fic was going into Hogwarts Exposed territory, I meant it. What makes ITWATN slightly less horrible in that regard is that they're adults trapped in the bodies of underage kids, whereas in Hogwarts Exposed they only talk like it. I still question why they went back in time by possessing their younger selves rather than being bamfed into the past in their adult bodies if the author wanted their marriage to survive the time jump, and nothing good can come of that.
"It's time to start figuring what we want to achieve here love, if you want to walk into Hogwarts, tell Dumbledore to go screw himself and come straight home with me then I'll be right by your side, but I think we have to decide now."
You'd think with all those commas, the author would be able to spare some for a direct address.
"I don't think they deserve any, they didn't show much in the way of mercy to us! All I'm saying is we need to set some goals and those will do for starters, are we going to take down Voldemort?"
"There is no way I could leave you and stand there while the bastard hits me with an Arvada Kedavra, that's just not happening.
Yes, it's so stupid that they defeated Voldemort.
We could destroy the horcruxes and keep our options open, the day I gave you that ring I was intending for the four of us to disappear to the Black island off the coast of Bermuda, that still sounds appealing to me, let the rest of them drown in the ocean of shit entirely of their own making."
I could do a running tally like the balances and literallies in Hogwarts Exposed, but I can't be arsed. Instead I'll just note that there are seven fucks and forty-one shits in ITWATN and point out that it's OOC for Harry (he does swear, but not that much) and just plain stupid for Hermione. It doesn't make your story more mature to have everyone effing and blinding all over the place, especially when it's OOC; you just look like you're trying too hard. In exactly the same way, though not to the same extent, as tasteless and ham-fisted rape plots.
"That sounds wonderful to me as well but at this point in time we don't have access to Black island, unless we get Sirius out of Azkaban. The reason I stopped you from attacking Malfoy is that his father has the diary, we know what he's eventually going to do with it but not until next summer. We could just ambush them that day in Diagon Alley and take the bloody thing, I have no wish to be petrified or see you fighting that bloody Basilisk to save a Weasley."
Because saving a young girl from a powerful evil magical device containing a fragment of the Dark Lord's soul is such a waste of effort. It's also worth contrasting Hermione's predicament in this fic with her being petrified in Chamber of Secrets, since that was mentioned. In CoS, she had just found out what Slytherin's monster was and how it was getting into the castle, and used this knowledge to save not only her own life but Penelope's as well. In ITWATN, she was overpowered twice by a "shit wizard" for no other reason than to give Harry an excuse to unleash his Gary Stu powers on her behalf because she's got no agency of her own. Anyway, with all the talk of what a load of crap their canon adventures were, next thing you know they'll be sacking off the whole "fighting Voldemort" thing and retiring to Black Island for all the pseudo-ephebophilic "comforting" they want.
"I see what you mean love, me slaughtering the ferret on the train might lose us the diary, though I'm wondering if that might not be a fair exchange?"
"You'll get no argument from me, it all depends on our goals' Harry, if we're going to let Voldemort take over the country then we can throw Malfoy off the astronomy tower tonight."
Oh, for...
"I can't make up my mind whether to feed Ron to Fluffy or lock him in the bathroom with the troll, he and Myrtle keeping each other company in a toilet u-bend for the next millennium sounds like a just punishment to me."
I don't actually know what's so bad about Ron in this fic. I mean, I know what he's done, but no indication (aside from some wizarding equivalent of the droit du seigneur that's been painfully shoehorned in there) of why. Much like in The Last War, he's just an animate plot device. Nor indeed is there any good reason why they need to kill him seven years before he did it. Or seven years before he would have done it. Or whatever.
"Why settle for just the one, couldn't we let the troll work him over and then feed the leftovers to Fluffy? I think we need to decide on Voldemort and everything else will follow from there, we also have to be careful not to appear too knowledgeable and try to stay out of the spotlight, though I understand that will be difficult for the boy who lived!"
Remember this resolution to stay out of the spotlight for later.
Harry kissed her again, "Well my new philosophy is pretty simple, I trust no one but you and that's the way it's going to stay, we're not two naïve kids this time and anyone treating us as such is in for a rude awakening.
Which won't draw attention to you at all.
Let's just keep an eye on how the 'adults' react around us and see if we can spot who's playing games. Our biggest problem may be that I don't think I can survive without you to cuddle into every night, you Miss Granger are addictive and I can safely say I'm hooked!" This ended any conversation as Hermione showed her appreciation of that comment, after all the man of her dreams had asked her to marry him and she was focusing on that to blot out the earlier incident.
The "earlier incident" isn't explored in any kind of depth, to the extent that there was no point using rape in the story at all. Harry might as well have killed Ron because he crashed his broomstick. I'm a lot harsher on this, Hogwarts Exposed, Hermione's Talent and The Last War for including rape because it's just thrown in there to justify the M rating. At least Deserving, although the execution was laughably terrible, was about exploring the "what if the Ministry decided to repopulate the wizarding world by forcibly impregnating ex-Death Eaters" scenario, so there was a reason for rape to be integral to the plot.
Speaking of ratings, ITWATN is rated T. I'm sure it was M the first time I read it, so it's since been rerated. The Fictionratings homepage has this to say about T:
Suitable for teens, 13 years and older, with some violence, minor coarse language, and minor suggestive adult themes.
I'd argue that once there's (even offscreen) rape as more than a passing reference you've gone beyond "minor suggestive adult themes", but maybe I'm just picky. It's probably not enough to justify reporting the story for being improperly rated, but it's enough to justify sternly wagging my finger in its general direction.
The only time their door was opened the entire trip was to buy sweets from the trolley lady, Harry had just left the Dursleys and as usual was famished. The occupants of the train appeared more concerned with the nonappearance of any Weasleys than the two first years who sat cuddling each other the entire journey.
I doubt it. They're supposed to be eleven, which is above the age where a boy and a girl acting like that would be simply seen as cute (assuming we read "cuddling" at face value, otherwise, ick) but below the age where it's business as usual. Someone would surely have noticed.
Leaving the train to the familiar sound of Hagrid calling for the first years tugged on their heartstrings, it was one thing to talk about letting Voldemort take over Britain, seeing Neville standing alone, too shy to ask anyone about sharing a boat, was a whole different matter.
Yes, it takes seeing Neville and Hagrid for Harry and Hermione to realise that abandoning an entire country to the tyranny of the most evil wizard in history might not be such a good idea. Why are we supposed to be on these bastards' side, again?
Both headed straight for him, "Hi there, want to share a boat with us?" Hermione asked.
Neville seemed more relieved than anything else and muttered 'sure' before the three of them sat in the little craft and began chatting as it slowly took them to their new life. "I'm Hermione and this is Harry, we're new at this magic malarkey and, although we've both done lots of reading, we're hoping that someone can take us under their wing and help us out."
This was more than anyone had said to Neville since his Grandmother put him on the train,
... which just makes me realise that new!Hermione was too busy canoodling to help Neville look for his toad. Yay!
We've heard stories about these houses Neville, which one do you think fit's you?"
"Fit's"? Well, someone's clearly not a Ravenclaw.
"Oh you're a definite Gryffindor!" the boy's eyes nearly popped out his head at Hermione's declaration, "You don't think you shouldn't be here yet you're still going ahead, that says Gryffindor courage to me."
"My Grandmother put me on the train and I was too scared to get back off!"
Harry placed his hand on the frightened boy's shoulder, "Neville if you stride up to that stool, place the sorting hat on your head and demand to be in Gryffindor the hat will be forced to place you there, that's true Gryffindor courage."
Behold their first achievement: changing the past in order for Neville to be put in Gryffindor instead of, uh, Gryffindor.
They looked towards each other, only now were the implications beginning to dawn on them, place Harry, Ron and Peter Pettigrew in the same dorm and there would be at least one murder done.
So they're out to kill everyone who hasn't pissed them off yet in the other timeline, but murder is just wrong.
Harry had his arm around her shoulders to show his agreement about them being together, Neville had to ask, "Are you a couple?"
Harry's smile was a beacon on the dark water, "Hermione is my best friend and my girlfriend." She placed her hand on Harry's cheek and Neville's reaction almost overturned their boat.
"I thought you said you were muggles, where did you get that?" indicating Hermione's ring.
"It fell through a plot hole."
"Harry gave it to me, I think it's beautiful."
When is Harry supposed to have given Hermione the ring in the new timeline, considering that it's strongly hinted that the first time they met was on the train and she already had it then? Hermione's curiosity also deserted her in that scene: her reaction to Harry asking how it was possible was, "I really don't give a shit!" Which in both wording and attitude is about as in-character as Dumbledore shouting "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"
Neville couldn't take his eyes off it, "Oh it's beautiful, it's also an old family wedding ring, when the head of an old family places that ring on a girl's finger and she accepts it, that couple are then married!"
We've had inexplicably!evil!Ron, damsel!Hermione, pureblood supremacy taking over the world even after Voldemort was defeated, time travel to fix what went wrong and now a marriage law. All in the first two chapters of twenty-six. I'm guessing that later in the story, Harry will be framed and sent to Azkaban, allowing his hitherto unknown twin who's the actual Boy Who Lived to take his place, get adopted by Snape and become Head Boy, upon which he hooks up with Hermione (who turns out to be really a pureblood) at the annual Yule Ball and they have lots of rampant sex in the Head Boy and Girl's private quarters, and meanwhile Draco discovers that he's part-Veela and hooks up with an American exchange student who's a newly discovered species of super-witch with an anachronistic taste in clothes and music, and they go off and fight the resurrected Salazar Slytherin together.
Neville was trying to understand this couple but had nothing to compare them with, perhaps there was nothing to compare them with? "For this marriage to be binding you would have to be the head of an old family and Hermione would need to want to marry you, this is crazy as you're both eleven!"
"Neville my name is Harry Potter and this lovely young lady has been my best friend for years, I can't think of anything that would please me more than having her as Hermione Potter. I found this ring in my vault and immediately thought of Miss Granger here so maybe you can understand why we're not upset about this."
New!Harry found the ring, thought of Hermione and it magically appeared on her finger, apparently. Even considering that it does rely on her consent, she rather lacks agency in this situation.
They were out the boats and McGonagall had just given them her 'your house is your family speech' when Malfoy made his move, she had hardly left the entrance hall when the blond shoved Neville out his way and stuck his manicured hand out to Harry, "My name is Malfoy, Draco Malfoy. You'll soon find out some wizarding families are much better than others, Potter. You don't want to go making friends with the wrong sort, I can help you there!"
This is, of course, the same speech he gives Harry on the train in Philosopher's Stone. It made sense there in a way it doesn't here, because there Harry was with Ron so Draco had a reason to tell him about how much better his own family was. Now given the general attitude of ITWATN, I wouldn't be surprised if new!Harry actually agreed that the Malfoys were better than the Weasleys. However:
Harry glanced at the offered hand and tried to hold his temper, "Where did you get the idea that I would need an arrogant little albino prick like you as my social secretary?
Clearly he didn't try very hard.
You throw the name Malfoy around like it's supposed to mean something well I tell you what it means to me, your father didn't have the guts or conviction to stand up for his beliefs and used his money to help lie his way out of a prison sentence. Your aunt is a psychopath who's currently rotting her arse off in Azkaban and you have the audacity to stand there and propose to tell me which wizarding families are better than others? Why don't you take dumb and dumber here and run crying to daddy!"
Draco was incensed, didn't Potter know who he was?
I somehow think he's more than demonstrated that he does. By the way, this is what Harry not drawing attention to himself looks like. Hermione, meanwhile, is nothing but a bystander in this scene. And nobody seems to have noticed Harry giving an enormous monologue.
"Potter when my father hears of this…"
Harry was right in Draco's face, "He will do the exact same as his son and wet himself, I dealt with his master when I was a baby so why do you think I would be afraid of the servant now?"
Draco tried to return Harry's stare but the whine in his voice told all the first years who was winning this contest, "The Malfoys are nobody's servants."
"You keep telling yourself that while everyone else can imagine your father down on his knees kissing the hem of Voldemort's robes."
The screams from Harry saying the name were covered by the appearance of the Hogwarts ghosts, McGonagall returned before Malfoy could conjure a witty reply so he sulked away muttering threats of retribution.
Enough people overheard their conversation for there to be several screams at Harry saying "Voldemort", but nobody had reacted hitherto. Apparently.
Harry grabbed Neville and pulled him back to his side, "Don't let that arsehole push you around Neville, you're worth twelve of Malfoy."
Minerva was about to reprimand the boy for his use of language until she realised what he was doing and decided not to hear the remark, it would appear that Mr Potter had already made a friend and the way Augusta coddled Neville this might be the making of the lad. She led the new first years into the great hall to be sorted.
This scene suffers from a familiar problem in that the POV, even if it is supposed to be omniscient, is shifting around so much it's hard to keep track. We've had Harry, Neville, Draco and now Minerva. Not Hermione, for some reason, unless you count her having a joint POV with Harry a few times.
Harry and Hermione were too busy wondering how long it would take the redheads to get here that the sorting hat had finished its song and Hannah Abbot was heading to the Hufflepuff table before they knew what was happening.
... like so. For all she's listed as a main character and the events of the fic follow from something that happened to her, her POV in the story is very much secondary. It wouldn't have been so bad if the author had stuck with a limited narrative from Harry's perspective, but in omniscient it's very noticeable when Hermione's viewpoint seems to be taking a back seat in her own story. And no conclusion that can be drawn from this is particularly flattering to the fic.
When McGonagall called for Daphne Greengrass and Hermione was still standing there, the couple understood that any attempt at staying out of the spotlight was now about as likely as Umbridge making a nude calendar. Harry knew the magical world had its quirks and foibles but couldn't imagine there would be much demand for an 'amorous amphibians' publication.
Yes, we really needed that joke explaining.
"Neville things are about to get very messy, just remember you're our first magical friend and don't worry about any shit that happens around us. We can take care of ourselves, and our friends."
When his name was called and still no mention of Granger, Neville understood what Harry was saying, this revelation would be the talk of the castle, no the whole of magical Britain would go berserk at the news the-boy-who-lived was married, and to a muggle born to boot!
Starting with how in the sweet name of the great purple fuck that was even possible. Anyway, Neville gets sorted into Gryffindor (what a surprise) and:
Minerva had been staring at the next entry on her list wishing she didn't have to read it out loud, her gaze shifted to the two children who were standing holding hands and wished there was something that could be done to avoid the maelstrom that was about to descend upon them.
She has apparently only just noticed that the class list has been altered.
She hoped Albus choked on his infernal lemon drops for forcing Harry to grow up outside their world, "Mr and Mrs Harry Potter!"
And how the class list was altered is a mystery, especially as changing your name when you get married is something you have to choose to do rather than something that happens automagically when you sign the register. Maybe it works like the magic Hogwarts book in Deserving, one of that fic's few genuinely good ideas. Oh, and of course she's been spending the past ten years second-guessing Dumbledore's wisdom. It's not like she's one of his most loyal supporters and his trusted second-in-command or anything like that.
Minerva didn't think the dark lord turning up in a tutu could have drawn anymore attention than the young couple walking hand in hand towards her, they squeezed together on the stool as the hat expanded to fit over both their heads.
Remember, kids: getting married destroys your individuality!
"Mr and Mrs Potter, let me be the first to offer my congratulations on your recent nuptials and say welcome back!"
"Er, thanks I think, can anyone else hear us?"
"Only the three of us are privy to what is said during your sorting Mr Potter."
That was good enough for Hermione who had a load of questions needing answered, "You know we came back in time, have you any idea how that happened?"
"A combination of effects Mrs Potter, can you remember what you said to your husband when he placed the Potter ring on your finger?"
"Of course I can, I'm hardly likely to forget that! I said I'll love you forever Harry, in this world and the next." A semblance of understanding began to percolate at the back of Hermione's mind.
"As usual Mrs Potter you are correct, your husband used similar words when he proposed creating an amazingly strong bond of marriage. When they then used the same dementor for both of you, your souls joined with such force the creature was blasted to pieces, and so I might add were most of the room's occupants."
So all this came about because Harry happened to use the title of the fic in his uncharacteristically eloquent declaration of Harmonian twu wuv, making it so powerful it blew up the Dementor in a convenient explosion that also killed off all the baddies.
"That doesn't explain what we're doing back here though," said Harry.
They could sense something that felt like sorrow emanating from the ancient magical artifact, "You both gave everything you had to give in the defeat of evil and were then betrayed by a magical community that didn't deserve you. You are the chosen one Mr Potter but misguided people stopped you reaching your full potential, with this young lady at your side our world could have been dragged into the new millennium. Instead, an event took place that saw you both flee the country and the scum clawed, lied and cheated their way back to the top unopposed, your work was only just beginning with the defeat of Riddle but of course you chose to support the love of your life."
So did evil!Ron do what he did in order to actively bring about the new dystopia, or just For The Evulz? Either way, we still don't have any indication of why he did it. You can't just go "oh, btw Ron's now evil lol" and expect readers to buy into that without exploring his fall from grace in more detail, which is exactly where Dark Secrets and The Last War failed too.
"The powers that be decided to send you back with your memories and powers intact, they understand that you'll be looking to apply some retribution but now see the necessity for that. For our world to survive the stupidity that is blood purity must be abolished, we need a revolution and you two have been elected to be its leaders."
I didn't think the Sorting Hat was supposed to take sides.
"Only if you sort Ron Weasley somewhere else," Harry growled.
"Unfortunately I don't think I can, he has no loyalty which rules out Hufflepuff,
No loyalty, which is why he was Harry's best friend all through school and helped him defeat Voldemort! Wait.
let's just say his exclusion from Ravenclaw's a given while he has ambition enough for Slytherin there is no guile there."
Because ITWATN!Ron is a "shit wizard", which is how he managed to overpower Hermione twice.
Hermione wasn't going to stand for that, "Oh he managed to pull the wool over our eyes for all those years, I think he would fit right in there."
"I could offer you Ravenclaw?"
"With Cho and Marietta, no chance!"
"Hufflepuff?"
Harry was the one who scuppered this choice, "Justin and Ernie are worse than the Creevey brothers, at least I can ignore them."
Oh joy, even more character bashing. Is there anyone besides Harry and possibly Neville that this author actually likes? I'm not even going to give him Hermione, with all the chickification she's been subjected to.
"Crawley."
"I'm sorry Mrs Potter I don't understand, that's not a house."
"Yes but my house is there, I say we get the fuck out of this place tonight and the country by next week. At least we'll live to see twenty."
I don't know where pottymouth!Hermione made the leap from being a staple of wacky humour fic to something writers think they can get away with using seriously, but they can't.
Harry didn't need the use of language to know that
... he was trapped in a badfic.
Hermione's patience had finally snapped, apparently the sorting hat had cottoned on too because it suddenly shouted "Gryffindor married quarters!" before she could carry out her very real threat.
They used to belong to the Head Boy and Girl.
The couple were then bombarded with questions, which they politely ignored in favour of watching the staff's reaction while chatting to Neville. Harry felt no pain in his head when Quirrell turned around so the chances were good his scar was just that,
So apparently Voldemort is still alive but Harry is no longer a Horcrux. Or something.
"We met on our first day of school, we've been best friends for years."
"When did you get married?"
"Today on the train apparently."
This caused Minerva to do a double take before Harry continued, "We had intended to get married in the future but the ring I gave her means we were married today."
"How did you get a hold of that ring?"
Harry faked a look of puzzlement, "It's a Potter family ring, I'm head of the Potter family by being the only one left, why shouldn't I have my ancestor's ring to give my girl?"
McGonagall was now the one puzzled, "Mr Potter, where did you hear all this?"
"Our new friend Neville told us, why wasn't I supposed to know my rights?"
Because you've only just arrived at school and nobody's had a chance to tell you nor any reason to think they needed to, you whiny, self-centred bellend. The author clearly thinks that Dumbledore was negligent for not taking Harry aside on his first night at Hogwarts and infodumping absolutely everything he learns in all seven books all at once.
"Professor, my entire life I have been told my parents were no-good lazy drunks who died in a car crash, you saying they would have wanted me to attend here means nothing to me."
McGonagall couldn't believe what she was hearing, "James and Lily Potter were two of the kindest and bravest people I've ever met, they are heroes in our world!"
"Yet their son ended up living in a cupboard, treated no better than a slave. If that's how you treat your heroes professor, then maybe you can understand why Australia appears so attractive an option to us."
Harry was placed where Dumbledore knew he'd be safe. If he'd been adopted by a wizarding family they'd probably have met the same fate as poor Frank and Alice Longbottom, and he himself could well have been killed or worse. And (as Dumbledore points out in the very first chapter) the Boy Who Lived growing up in the wizarding world could easily have become a spoiled brat as bad as Draco Malfoy or worse. Canon!Harry realises this, but ITWATN!Harry is a whiny, self-centred bellend.
Minerva had no answer, she'd told Dumbledore that night he was making a mistake leaving Harry there and now it would appear they could end up paying for it.
No, she suggested it'd be a mistake before Dumbledore explained his reasoning.
Harry Potter leaving Hogwarts to attend another school would be a hammerblow to the prestige of Hogwarts and its headmaster. Albus wanted to talk to the boy tonight but she now thought that would be another huge mistake, although they appeared quite open she could sense that their answers were carefully considered before being given, not something she was used to with first year students.
And she was wrong.
"Professor as our head of house we are required to inform you if we leave the school, according to 'Hogwarts a History' as married couple this is our right. It is our intention to leave after our last class on Friday to spend the weekend with my parents."
I somehow don't think that first-years being married to each other was a common enough situation to appear in Hogwarts: A History. Even in the Middle Ages.
Minerva could only nod, "Please give me that in writing after you receive your timetables tomorrow, I know this whole marriage thing must come as a bit of a shock, if there is anything I can help you with please don't be afraid to ask."
Minerva was the one in shock at Hermione's saucy answer, "Professor, this is our wedding night and I think we'll manage fine without any help."
Hogwarts Exposed called. It wants its plot back.
The stern professor was almost blushing as she left them alone, Harry was gobsmacked, "Hermione Jane Potter, what was that all about? You know we're both eleven and that wont be happening for a while yet."
Well, thank goodness for that.
Molly Weasley wasn't mad, she passed mad a long, long time ago, her legendary temper had erupted but the police officers paid it not the slightest notice, with her hands cuffed behind her back and no wand, Molly was powerless to do anything but rant.
Harry is the only person with super-special-awesome wandless powers in this fic. He's not a Gary Stu, honest.
That rant was the reason she'd spent the rest of the day in a cell, had she been calm and explained the incident away as a misunderstanding, the whole family would have been out of there within the first hour.
Because dramatic irony works best when delivered with a sledgehammer.
Thus it was that Molly's fuse was even shorter than normal as she led her brood into Hogwarts next morning, on entering the great hall her eyes immediately scanned the room before locking onto her target. That little shit was going to get a personal howler delivered from a distance of six inches while she held him by the throat, Molly rushed straight at him.
What exactly did she think was going to happen when she tried to attack a first-year in the middle of the Hogwarts Great Hall?
The Potters were sitting eating their breakfast while discussing the timetables McGonagall had just handed them, as the conversation began to die around the pair, Hermione glanced up just as Molly was about to make a grab for Harry.
How she kept that curse to a 'petrificus totalus' she would never know, the temptation to hit the bitch with a 'reducto' was almost overpowering.
She might as well, because the Reductor Curse is for blowing up inanimate objects. Also, spell incantations are capitalised. As are a great many pieces of wizarding vocabulary that the author's shift key has apparently given up on.
Percy Weasley was one angry young man, he'd spent the entire time since receiving his badge dreaming of strolling through these hallowed halls proudly displaying to the school that he was a prefect. Instead, he missed the feast, sorting and leading the first year Gryffindors to their new home. Now a first year had just cursed his mother, Percy drew his wand ready to extract some retribution.
No concern for why his mother had just gone berserk in the middle of the school, or anything like that.
Unfortunately for Percy Hermione's wand was already in her hand and he found himself in the same predicament as his mother, without the aid of porridge to break his fall.
Harry had moved just as fast as his wife, while petrified Molly was falling past him, Harry's wand was in his hand, he gave the twins time to reach for their wands before casting the same curse as Hermione. He switched his attention to Ron and wasn't sure if the boy was more upset about his mother being cursed or the porridge being wasted, not knowing any magic, he let out a roar and charged at Hermione.
Harry's wand tracked his progress but he really wanted Hermione to deal with this, she did! At first it appeared as if she's choked but when Ron was the correct distance away she exploded into action as her right foot connected with excruciating force and painful accuracy on her attacker's groin.
Not for the last time. The main antagonist spends half the story getting kicked in the knackers and meanwhile his mother is being slagged off for what seems like no reason than the fact that she acts like a mother. It's all very Freudian.
Ron landed in a groaning heap at Hermione's feet as her wand now pointed at the little sister. "Are you staying out of this or do we need to deal with you as well?"
Ginny was brought along because her dad had to go to work and the girl was excited, she was going to see Hogwarts. Seconds after she had admired the ceiling her family were on the floor and she had the terrifying sight of an enraged brown haired girl pointing her wand at poor little Ginny Weasley. She could only shake her head as her voice wouldn't work.
Apparently, going completely apeshit and attacking young children is only evil when the designated villains do it.
Harry had been afraid there for a second that Hermione was going to let Ron reach her, had he laid hands on his wife nothing in this hall would have been able to move quick enough to stop Harry killing him. Hermione was standing just that bit straighter after inflicting some punishment on the prick, she'd obviously decided to deal with him physically as that was what she needed to gain that bit of self-respect back. With a wand in her hand Hermione was always going to make mincemeat of Ron Weasley, in this or any other time, now she knew that physically he wasn't going to defeat her either.
Yes, ITWATN!Hermione is such a badass for hexing two unarmed people, kicking an eleven-year-old boy in the knackers and terrorising a young girl. Bravo!
Snape's expression was almost gleeful as he shouted from the Slytherin table, "Twenty points each from Gryffindor and detention every night this week, that also means you lose your privileges for the coming weekend."
McGonagall was also still handing out timetables and it was to her Hermione turned, "Who'e he and can he do that?"
"That is Professor Snape, head of Slytherin and I'm afraid he can."
"So this woman and her family attack us and we get punished for defending ourselves?"
McGonagall could only answer, "You should have let a professor deal with the situation."
"I'm sorry professor but I don't trust any of the staff in here to do that, I will not stand back and watch my husband attacked while we wait to see if a member of staff can be bothered to intervenes. Had the action for defence been as quick as the reaction to hand out punishment we would not be having this conversation, you have forced our hand."
When you need to hand out idiot balls in order to make your characters look good, your characters don't look good.
Hermione held up her wand, "Accio Mr and Mrs Potter's jackets."
The entire hall were riveted by the scene playing out in front of them though some of the older ones were now scoffing at Hermione attempting a summoning charm, that was until two jackets flew into the hall.
Minerva feared she knew the answer but had to ask, "Mr and Mrs Potter, can I ask what you are doing?"
Hermione had it all figured out, "We'll take a walk to Hogsmead, should be able to find a public floo there that will allow us to reach the Leaky Cauldron, from there it's a tube and taxi back home! This morning's incident proves beyond doubt we were both lied to, if this is the best magical school then I pity the rest. That poorly disguised attempt to deny us our rights before we've even finished breakfast on our first morning has indicated what we can expect if we stay here, especially since neither our head of house nor the headmaster has spoken a word in our defence."
This is what staying out of the spotlight looks like.
Albus was now dragged into this, he'd been angry with what Minerva had told him last night, as well as her refusal to bring Harry to his office, he was pleased that his head of Slytherin had cleverly negated their plans for a weekend away from Hogwarts only for the whole thing to blow up in his face.
So he was expecting them to cause a scene in the Great Hall in order for Snape to do what Snape does, rather than simply overruling them and pointing out how ridiculous it is to let two first-years out of the school for weekends.
Albus tried again, certain he would be successful this time. "Mr Potter wouldn't you rather be at Hogwarts than living with your aunt and uncle?"
Harry couldn't believe his luck, "Oh so you are aware of my living conditions there? I have no intention of returning to that house ever again and will be contacting the ministry to find out why I was left on their doorstep in the first place. If that's how the magical world deals with orphans, then I want nothing to do with it or Hogwarts."
Because the Ministry had no idea that Harry was living with the Dursleys, despite having sent letters to him at that address twice. Why on Earth did the Sorting Hat offer to put him in Ravenclaw? And again, would he rather he and his guardians been killed or worse before he ever had the chance to attend Hogwarts?
That last statement could be very bad for Albus, he didn't want events of that night looked into too closely and needed the boy staying in Privet Drive. That blasted ring was some of the oldest and most powerful magic their world possessed, even killing the girl wouldn't alter Harry's status as head of house. "Mr Potter, should you leave Hogwarts this way, it could mean the snapping of your wand and…"
Albus never got to say any more as the crack of the boy's wand breaking silenced him, Harry threw the broken wand onto the floor and offered his arm to Hermione, "Ready to go home Mrs Potter? You were right we should never have agreed to come here in the first place, the schools abroad look so much better. We'll keep in touch Neville."
So he's just thrown away one of the big advantages he's had against Voldemort. Even considering that he's all set to abandon everyone to Voldemort like a true hero, does he think that Voldemort isn't going to want to kill the Boy Who Lived anyway?
Ginny Weasley watched as her dreams crashed to the floor even quicker than her family, Harry left with Mrs Potter on his arm, and Harry Potter's broken wand had landed at her feet, as if to emphasise she would never now marry the boy-who-lived.
"Take that, shippers!"