Hogwarts Too Exposed Chapter 9 part 2
Here there be glurge. And also grimdark. Not at the same time, but I wouldn't put it past this author to try.
Thursday, September 9, 2004
“You’re certainly not Hermione, but you’re just as pretty,” Harry said as he stuck his head out of the kitchen to glimpse at who had slammed the door.
“Only in my dreams,” Emily said as she quickly finished removing her clothes.
This is the same person who takes fifteen minutes to change. And if you consider the eleven-year-old girl to be pretty in the same sense that your wife is pretty, then you shouldn't be anywhere near eleven-year-old girls.
“I miss you, too. How are the Slytherin’s treating you and Kim?” Harry inquired.
The Slytherin's what? And which Slytherin, come to that?
“My, but you’re certainly in an atypical mood today,” Harry said as he wrapped his arms around the young girl in order to help support her. “Where’s your shadow?”
“Kim went to the library with Becky and Marta. I have something important I have to discuss with you and Mum. I mean Hermione,” Emily said apologetically.
This might pass as interesting character development, if we hadn't already had this exact slip brushed off as though it were nothing earlier in the chapter.
Emily suddenly looked ready to cry.
So what else is new?
Emily hugged Harry even tighter. “I don’t know how to explain it. It’s not that I love my parents less, but every day I love you
... less and less?
two more. I shudder to think what would have happened to Jamie and me without the both of you.”
You can't know this. The drink-driver ex machina might have been drunk because he tried having a conversation with Harry or Hermione whilst playing the Hogwarts Exposed drinking game. If that's the case, if Harry and Hermione hadn't been around then Jamie and Emily's parents might still be alive. This makes as much sense as Harry and Hermione just happening to be there to jump to the rescue when the Zacherleys just happen to fall victim to one of the worst examples of a diabolus ex machina ever conceived.
“It’s a two way street,” Harry responded.
A slightly ill-advised metaphor in the circumstances, I think.
“You, Jamie and Caitlin have brought a great deal of happiness to our lives. Even if we eventually have children of our own, you guys will always be our little girls. And don’t you ever forget that.” Harry gently squeezed Emily as he finished telling her this.
The glurge can only mean one thing: that we're about to take a hard left into A-grade shitdark. And reading ahead in this chapter, indeed we are. The thing about mood whiplash is that, not only do you need to do a better job of establishing the moods than this author manages, it works best when it's unexpected. When it happens as inevitably as the sunrise, it loses a little in the impact.
Emily could no longer hold back the tears as they flooded forth.
Okay, you can take a shot now.
She squeezed Harry with all her strength. “I love you too, Dad!”
“I love you too, Honey.” Harry replied, his usually steely green eyes now quite moist with tears.
And again!
They stood there holding each other until at last Emily said, “Do you know where Mum is? I really have to talk to you both.”
“No. I expected her to be here by now. Let’s check on her whereabouts,” Harry said as he deposited Emily on her feet. “You’ll find this interesting.”
It's a clumsy set-up for Harry showing Emily the Marauder's Map, but I have to admit that this:
“And there’s Hermione,” Harry said, pointing to the headmaster’s office. “She must be having some sort of meeting with the Headmaster and Professor Malfoy.”
Emily’s face turned pale. “I think that meeting might be about me,” she said uncertainly.
“You haven’t got yourself in trouble with the Potions Master, have you?” Harry asked, concerned.
“Not exactly trouble, but that’s what I wanted to talk to you and Mum about.”
... isn't too bad as a segue into the next scene.
“I don’t see the necessity of involving her in this,” Draco said caustically. “You’re the headmaster. Only your approval is required.”
“Quite true Draco, but under the circumstances I feel Hermione’s contribution is important,” Severus answered calmly. “After all you are the head of Slytherin House and I am the former head. We could be considered bias.”
“Like she is Miss Impartial,” Malfoy spouted angrily. “The last time I checked she was still head of Gryffindor House.”
“I don’t welcome being argued about as if I weren’t even in the room,” Hermione said, annoyed. “If you want my opinion, I will try to be impartial, but I don’t intend to stand here all day while the two of you come to a decision about whether or not to even inform me as to what you want my opinion on.”
I particularly like how it looks as though it was beta'd by the most anal of prescriptive grammarians with no regard to how people actually talk, to the point that it's actually surprising when the last sentence ends with a preposition. Which I know is perfectly acceptable, but try telling that to the most anal of prescriptive grammarians. I mention betas because the author used the excuse of his betas being too good at correcting grammar as an excuse for why the dialogue looks so unnatural, but the problem with this is that the whole fic is full of grammatical errors anyway. He just sucks at dialogue.
“Professor Malfoy would like permission to bend the first year rule for Quidditch,” Severus announced.
Hermione just looked at the two men, irritated. “I hate to see a first year play Quidditch. Firstly, the game is extremely dangerous. Secondly, it takes such a great deal of time away from their studying. Getting accustomed to Hogwarts is difficult enough, but….”
This is pure bullshit. The only problem Hermione had with Harry playing Quidditch in his first year was that he'd see it as a reward for misbehaving, and that was only because of how he came to be joining the team and was quickly forgotten once they became friends. So yes, it's Hermione's turn to hold the conflict ball. The only upside is that at least the author hasn't completely forgotten that stories need conflict to work.
“What did I tell you?” Malfoy yelled, interrupting Hermione.
We know he's interrupted her, because her previous sentence was cut off. There was an ellipsis and everything. It's like the author has discovered the first half of "show, don't tell" but is having trouble with the second.
“If it was Gryffindor house, there would be no problem. They’ve done it twice in the last twelve years. But let’s not help Slytherin. Are you afraid we might give you a run for the cup?”
“Draco, you have a bad habit of not letting a person finish speaking,” Hermione answered tersely.
That's not terse. "Shut up!" would have been terse. Nobody in Hogwarts Exposed would know terse if it ran them over. Shall I tell you what else is terse? "I hate this fic."
“Although I had nothing to do with it, Gryffindor has had two first year players on their teams in recent years. And as much as I’m against it, you did have a horrible season last year. I can’t see how I can go in opposition to it as long as it’s agreed that the student’s grades are monitored. Studies are more important than Quidditch.”
And Hermione backs down right away. Of course she does.
“Then it’s agreed,” Severus announced. “Draco, you may have the team captain inform the player.”
“Who is the first year and what position will he be playing?” Hermione asked.
“It’s not a he, but rather a she,” Draco corrected Hermione. “Emily Zacherley will be the first female seeker in the history of Slytherin house.”
Q&A exposition with bonus ZOMG A GIRL that looks completely out of place coming from Hermione of all people.
Hermione mouth dropped open, but she was too shocked to speak.
Has Hermione being unable to speak ever happened? Aside from when she was Petrified in Chamber of Secrets?
“She’s leaving Severus’ office,” Harry noted. “Now will you tell me this deep dark secret?”
Apparently they were just staring speechlessly at the Marauder's Map this whole time.
“Let’s wait for Mum,” Emily answered. “Depending on their chat, I might not have a choice.” Emily tried to change the subject. “Are we allowed to use this map?”
Harry looked at the map and then glanced in the drawer at the invisibility cloak. How would he have ever gotten through Hogwarts without those two items?
I see canon!Harry being as eager to pass the Marauder's Map on as Lupin was to pass it to him, but HE!Harry and Hermione have this weird Lawful Stupid streak regarding anything that doesn't involve nudity. Word of JKR has it that James snaffled it from Harry's desk but Harry was in no hurry to make him give it back.
“Hermione isn’t happy,” Harry said. “She never slams the door. We’re in here Mione.”
... fuck's sake.
“You realize, of course, that this is your entire fault, Harry,” Hermione said as she stormed into the room. “You’re the one that’s been teaching her to fly the past few months.”
“Did the Headmaster say yes or no?” Emily asked hesitantly.
“He said yes,” Hermione answered. “You, young lady are a double first. Not only are you the first first-year to ever play on a Slytherin team, but you are also the first female seeker in Slytherin history.”
So is Hermione pissed off or is she proud of Emily? I can't tell, and it looks as though the author himself can't make his mind up.
“Quidditch!” Harry shouted excitedly, as he hugged Emily. “You made your house team as a first year without out even a tryout. And you’re going to play seeker.” Abruptly the enthusiasm went out of his voice. “But Jamie’s the Gryffindor seeker. You’ll be playing against your sister.”
“I know,” Emily said gloomily. “That’s what I wanted to talk to you and Mum about.”
Hermione just stared at Emily. She wondered if the young girl even realized what she had just said. It didn’t matter. She had said it. Hermione rushed to Emily and literally swept her up into her arms.
LITERALLY COUNT: 25
For every use of "literally", literally drink one literal drink. Anyway, the scene from here just descends into glurge so let's check up on Jamie and Caitlin.
Friday, September 10, 2004
“Caitlin, did you see Amanda this morning?” Jamie asked, concern in her voice.
“No, but I did notice she missed our morning run again today. Has she quit the fitness program?” Caitlin asked is response.
“She says she hasn’t, yet she’s had some excuse or another not to attend every morning this week and this is the second time she’s missed breakfast,” Jamie replied.
And, of course, this fact is much better conveyed by expospeak. It's not like we could have Jamie not notice she's at the exercise session during the exercise scene we saw earlier in the chapter, and a subsequent scene where Amanda delivers a transparently poor excuse. Cut to Ron, Sam and Timmy, who apparently still exist.
“Must I go to bed already, Daddy?” Timmy begged fervently.
“Yes, you must.” Ron said. “It’s already way past your bedtime.”
Ah, Family Scene Cliché #9001. I know it well.
He glanced at Sam who was curled up on a chair in the corner of the room wearing her favorite at home outfit, absolutely nothing.
... wait, when did she actually become a nudist?
“If I allow you to stay up any longer, I’m afraid Mummy will punish both of us.”
“You mean take away our treats?” Timmy asked, aghast.
“Exactly,” Ron answered, although Timmy and he were thinking of two extremely different types of treats.
I don't know, Ron was probably thinking of food as well. Oh, wait, that's canon!Ron.
Sam watched as her son ran back and grabbed Ron’s hand. “Daddy, is it okay if I sleep nudie again tonight. I’m a big boy. I promise not to dirty my bed.”
... the fucking fuckety-fuck is this.
Ron shook his head in bewilderment. “You’re getting more like your mum everyday. Go to the potty quickly while I get you an extra blanket so you’re not cold.”
Apparently people get cold when they're not wearing anything. Except when they don't.
“Typical man,” Sam responded. “You guys will never admit to being tired. Part of the male sense of self.”
“Not true,” Ron said defensively as he knelt down on the floor in front of Sam. “Timmy had me tuckered out and ready for an early night, but then I looked at you and suddenly felt invigorated.”
Because this is how Ron talks.
Sam could feel her body reacting as Ron began kissing her inner thighs. He was just inches away and the keenness was driving her crazy. Unexpectedly, there was a loud rapping at the door.
It was Hagrid, doing a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent. That would much be better than what actually happens next.
“I hate going out on a custody case,” the chartreuse haired girl said. “This isn’t proper duty for an Auror.”
“This is rather more than a simple child custody battle,” Sergeant Anders replied.
Sergeant Anders has a twirly moustache and a standing instruction for the audience to boo whenever he's on stage. He's that kind of villain. Did you really expect subtlety from Hogwarts Exposed?
“Child endangerment is involved. This tart of a mother is living with a werewolf, a werewolf who is a known attacker and has spent time in Azkaban.
Denise and Janice not knowing any insults other than "tart" can, if you're being more charitable than this fic deserves, be passed off as a catchphrase. When this new and completely unrelated character also uses it as his go-to insult, then:
The Paradigm Shift: When the characters are of one mind
Sometimes a particular character will have an insight that creates a new framing metaphor for the story-which is then inexplicably adopted by everyone else in the novel. Of course, this is because the insight is actually the author's, and having informed the reader, the author then feels free to proceed as if the idea is "common knowledge", shared by all.
That’s why the captain assigned four of us to pick up the kid rather than sending the normal patrol. Even though the animal’s bite is allegedly not dangerous except during the full moon, they’re still exceedingly strong.
Apparently Hogwarts Exposed werewolves have super strength even in their human form. Not that it does Ron a lot of good in this scene.
I don’t want anyone hurt. If any of my actions tonight seem overly aggressive, just remember Smithy.”
Strangely not. Smithy is apparently Anders' best mate who got killed in gory fashion by a prostitute who turned out to be a werewolf. Is it any wonder he became evil when his backstory was written by the '90s Kid?
“Who the hell do you think you are banging like that?” Ron shouted as he opened the door.
“Official business, Ministry of Magic, Department of Child Welfare. Step back and no one will be hurt,” Anders ordered as the Aurors shoved their way into the apartment, the green haired girl tripping over the threshold and practically falling.
Anders doesn't strike me as the kind of person who'd end up working at the wizarding equivalent of Social Services, somehow. Now canon!Tonks (for it is she) is more than enough of a badass to handle one puffed-up idiot with a chip on his shoulder and his two cardboard lackeys and take Ron, Sam and Timmy to safety, but she's a woman in Hogwarts Exposed so "badass" is well and truly out.
Sam jumped to her feet, about to flee the room in order to screen her nudity.
You know she's bad and deserves everything the forces of shitdark care to throw at her because she's clearly not a true nudist. A true nudist wouldn't flee to screen her nudity. I only wish I was joking: I wouldn't be surprised at all if this was the actual intention.
“No one moves,” Anders bellowed. “As for modesty, I doubt she has any. A whore that sleeps with a werewolf has probably been in bed with half of England.”
"Muahahaha, aren't I so delightfully eeevil!"
“You fucking bastard,” Ron cried as he made for Anders only to be thrown to the floor by a curse hurled by Powers.
And speaking of badasses, Ron's supposed to be one too. Fat chance of that here. He seems to have forgotten that he's got a wand of his own.
“Sergeant Anders, that’s Ron Weasley,” Tonks declared. “He was part of the covenant that defeated Voldemort. Shouldn’t he be treated with more respect, and, the poor girl, can’t she at least be allowed to cover herself.”
“He’s a werewolf and she’s a whore,” Anders answered angrily. “Neither deserves respect or kindness. And you, Tonks, will find yourself in a menial pencil-pushing job if you don’t learn to follow orders without question.”
Upon which Tonks caught Anders and his henchmen by surprise mid-monologue with three well-placed hexes and took everyone to safety, later explaining that he'd been a disguised Death Eater who gave himself away, unable to control his rage in the presence of one of Voldemort's defeaters. Or at least this is what would have happened in a halfway good fic.
“No one is taking our son from us,” Ron roared as he once more lunged for Anders, this time successfully pinning the Sergeant to the floor and delivering a number of winning blows before Churchill and Powers sent him hurtling through the air with their combined curses.
Ron, you fucking moron, are you a wizard or not?
Ron hit the wall with such force that the resulting impact left him unconscious and literally in the next room.
LITERALLY COUNT: 26
And I'm sure we all needed that drink.
Tonks looked on in horror, not believing she was a part of this atrocity,
Well, you know what to do. Here's a hint: it begins with S and ends with "tupefy".
“What’s your problem Tonks,” Anders asked angrily. “Do you think someone will take advantage of the tart in her present condition? Hell, the bitch would probably enjoy waking up to the knowledge that she’d been gang banged while she slept.
Just in case we hadn't worked out by now that he's a villain. For heaven's sake, this has gone beyond grimdark and into the realms of outright farce. How do they expect to get away with all that shit? I know the Ministry itself is run by Emma "Great One" Wrong, but there are several layers of authority between her and the Elite Arsehole Squad who aren't going to stand for any of it. Especially if the author has retconned Kingsley into the story along with Tonks.
She’s rubbish.”
... that word, doesn't mean what you think it does. When you describe someone as rubbish, you're not calling them subhuman scum as the context seems to imply, but rather saying that they're not doing a good job at whatever they're supposed to be doing. For instance, if your team let in eight goals then you can say they were rubbish. If a story is full of poor characterisation, nonexistent description and stilted dialogue, you can say the author is rubbish. And so on.
Thursday, September 9, 2004
“You’re certainly not Hermione, but you’re just as pretty,” Harry said as he stuck his head out of the kitchen to glimpse at who had slammed the door.
“Only in my dreams,” Emily said as she quickly finished removing her clothes.
This is the same person who takes fifteen minutes to change. And if you consider the eleven-year-old girl to be pretty in the same sense that your wife is pretty, then you shouldn't be anywhere near eleven-year-old girls.
“I miss you, too. How are the Slytherin’s treating you and Kim?” Harry inquired.
The Slytherin's what? And which Slytherin, come to that?
“My, but you’re certainly in an atypical mood today,” Harry said as he wrapped his arms around the young girl in order to help support her. “Where’s your shadow?”
“Kim went to the library with Becky and Marta. I have something important I have to discuss with you and Mum. I mean Hermione,” Emily said apologetically.
This might pass as interesting character development, if we hadn't already had this exact slip brushed off as though it were nothing earlier in the chapter.
Emily suddenly looked ready to cry.
So what else is new?
Emily hugged Harry even tighter. “I don’t know how to explain it. It’s not that I love my parents less, but every day I love you
... less and less?
two more. I shudder to think what would have happened to Jamie and me without the both of you.”
You can't know this. The drink-driver ex machina might have been drunk because he tried having a conversation with Harry or Hermione whilst playing the Hogwarts Exposed drinking game. If that's the case, if Harry and Hermione hadn't been around then Jamie and Emily's parents might still be alive. This makes as much sense as Harry and Hermione just happening to be there to jump to the rescue when the Zacherleys just happen to fall victim to one of the worst examples of a diabolus ex machina ever conceived.
“It’s a two way street,” Harry responded.
A slightly ill-advised metaphor in the circumstances, I think.
“You, Jamie and Caitlin have brought a great deal of happiness to our lives. Even if we eventually have children of our own, you guys will always be our little girls. And don’t you ever forget that.” Harry gently squeezed Emily as he finished telling her this.
The glurge can only mean one thing: that we're about to take a hard left into A-grade shitdark. And reading ahead in this chapter, indeed we are. The thing about mood whiplash is that, not only do you need to do a better job of establishing the moods than this author manages, it works best when it's unexpected. When it happens as inevitably as the sunrise, it loses a little in the impact.
Emily could no longer hold back the tears as they flooded forth.
Okay, you can take a shot now.
She squeezed Harry with all her strength. “I love you too, Dad!”
“I love you too, Honey.” Harry replied, his usually steely green eyes now quite moist with tears.
And again!
They stood there holding each other until at last Emily said, “Do you know where Mum is? I really have to talk to you both.”
“No. I expected her to be here by now. Let’s check on her whereabouts,” Harry said as he deposited Emily on her feet. “You’ll find this interesting.”
It's a clumsy set-up for Harry showing Emily the Marauder's Map, but I have to admit that this:
“And there’s Hermione,” Harry said, pointing to the headmaster’s office. “She must be having some sort of meeting with the Headmaster and Professor Malfoy.”
Emily’s face turned pale. “I think that meeting might be about me,” she said uncertainly.
“You haven’t got yourself in trouble with the Potions Master, have you?” Harry asked, concerned.
“Not exactly trouble, but that’s what I wanted to talk to you and Mum about.”
... isn't too bad as a segue into the next scene.
“I don’t see the necessity of involving her in this,” Draco said caustically. “You’re the headmaster. Only your approval is required.”
“Quite true Draco, but under the circumstances I feel Hermione’s contribution is important,” Severus answered calmly. “After all you are the head of Slytherin House and I am the former head. We could be considered bias.”
“Like she is Miss Impartial,” Malfoy spouted angrily. “The last time I checked she was still head of Gryffindor House.”
“I don’t welcome being argued about as if I weren’t even in the room,” Hermione said, annoyed. “If you want my opinion, I will try to be impartial, but I don’t intend to stand here all day while the two of you come to a decision about whether or not to even inform me as to what you want my opinion on.”
I particularly like how it looks as though it was beta'd by the most anal of prescriptive grammarians with no regard to how people actually talk, to the point that it's actually surprising when the last sentence ends with a preposition. Which I know is perfectly acceptable, but try telling that to the most anal of prescriptive grammarians. I mention betas because the author used the excuse of his betas being too good at correcting grammar as an excuse for why the dialogue looks so unnatural, but the problem with this is that the whole fic is full of grammatical errors anyway. He just sucks at dialogue.
“Professor Malfoy would like permission to bend the first year rule for Quidditch,” Severus announced.
Hermione just looked at the two men, irritated. “I hate to see a first year play Quidditch. Firstly, the game is extremely dangerous. Secondly, it takes such a great deal of time away from their studying. Getting accustomed to Hogwarts is difficult enough, but….”
This is pure bullshit. The only problem Hermione had with Harry playing Quidditch in his first year was that he'd see it as a reward for misbehaving, and that was only because of how he came to be joining the team and was quickly forgotten once they became friends. So yes, it's Hermione's turn to hold the conflict ball. The only upside is that at least the author hasn't completely forgotten that stories need conflict to work.
“What did I tell you?” Malfoy yelled, interrupting Hermione.
We know he's interrupted her, because her previous sentence was cut off. There was an ellipsis and everything. It's like the author has discovered the first half of "show, don't tell" but is having trouble with the second.
“If it was Gryffindor house, there would be no problem. They’ve done it twice in the last twelve years. But let’s not help Slytherin. Are you afraid we might give you a run for the cup?”
“Draco, you have a bad habit of not letting a person finish speaking,” Hermione answered tersely.
That's not terse. "Shut up!" would have been terse. Nobody in Hogwarts Exposed would know terse if it ran them over. Shall I tell you what else is terse? "I hate this fic."
“Although I had nothing to do with it, Gryffindor has had two first year players on their teams in recent years. And as much as I’m against it, you did have a horrible season last year. I can’t see how I can go in opposition to it as long as it’s agreed that the student’s grades are monitored. Studies are more important than Quidditch.”
And Hermione backs down right away. Of course she does.
“Then it’s agreed,” Severus announced. “Draco, you may have the team captain inform the player.”
“Who is the first year and what position will he be playing?” Hermione asked.
“It’s not a he, but rather a she,” Draco corrected Hermione. “Emily Zacherley will be the first female seeker in the history of Slytherin house.”
Q&A exposition with bonus ZOMG A GIRL that looks completely out of place coming from Hermione of all people.
Hermione mouth dropped open, but she was too shocked to speak.
Has Hermione being unable to speak ever happened? Aside from when she was Petrified in Chamber of Secrets?
“She’s leaving Severus’ office,” Harry noted. “Now will you tell me this deep dark secret?”
Apparently they were just staring speechlessly at the Marauder's Map this whole time.
“Let’s wait for Mum,” Emily answered. “Depending on their chat, I might not have a choice.” Emily tried to change the subject. “Are we allowed to use this map?”
Harry looked at the map and then glanced in the drawer at the invisibility cloak. How would he have ever gotten through Hogwarts without those two items?
I see canon!Harry being as eager to pass the Marauder's Map on as Lupin was to pass it to him, but HE!Harry and Hermione have this weird Lawful Stupid streak regarding anything that doesn't involve nudity. Word of JKR has it that James snaffled it from Harry's desk but Harry was in no hurry to make him give it back.
“Hermione isn’t happy,” Harry said. “She never slams the door. We’re in here Mione.”
... fuck's sake.
“You realize, of course, that this is your entire fault, Harry,” Hermione said as she stormed into the room. “You’re the one that’s been teaching her to fly the past few months.”
“Did the Headmaster say yes or no?” Emily asked hesitantly.
“He said yes,” Hermione answered. “You, young lady are a double first. Not only are you the first first-year to ever play on a Slytherin team, but you are also the first female seeker in Slytherin history.”
So is Hermione pissed off or is she proud of Emily? I can't tell, and it looks as though the author himself can't make his mind up.
“Quidditch!” Harry shouted excitedly, as he hugged Emily. “You made your house team as a first year without out even a tryout. And you’re going to play seeker.” Abruptly the enthusiasm went out of his voice. “But Jamie’s the Gryffindor seeker. You’ll be playing against your sister.”
“I know,” Emily said gloomily. “That’s what I wanted to talk to you and Mum about.”
Hermione just stared at Emily. She wondered if the young girl even realized what she had just said. It didn’t matter. She had said it. Hermione rushed to Emily and literally swept her up into her arms.
LITERALLY COUNT: 25
For every use of "literally", literally drink one literal drink. Anyway, the scene from here just descends into glurge so let's check up on Jamie and Caitlin.
Friday, September 10, 2004
“Caitlin, did you see Amanda this morning?” Jamie asked, concern in her voice.
“No, but I did notice she missed our morning run again today. Has she quit the fitness program?” Caitlin asked is response.
“She says she hasn’t, yet she’s had some excuse or another not to attend every morning this week and this is the second time she’s missed breakfast,” Jamie replied.
And, of course, this fact is much better conveyed by expospeak. It's not like we could have Jamie not notice she's at the exercise session during the exercise scene we saw earlier in the chapter, and a subsequent scene where Amanda delivers a transparently poor excuse. Cut to Ron, Sam and Timmy, who apparently still exist.
“Must I go to bed already, Daddy?” Timmy begged fervently.
“Yes, you must.” Ron said. “It’s already way past your bedtime.”
Ah, Family Scene Cliché #9001. I know it well.
He glanced at Sam who was curled up on a chair in the corner of the room wearing her favorite at home outfit, absolutely nothing.
... wait, when did she actually become a nudist?
“If I allow you to stay up any longer, I’m afraid Mummy will punish both of us.”
“You mean take away our treats?” Timmy asked, aghast.
“Exactly,” Ron answered, although Timmy and he were thinking of two extremely different types of treats.
I don't know, Ron was probably thinking of food as well. Oh, wait, that's canon!Ron.
Sam watched as her son ran back and grabbed Ron’s hand. “Daddy, is it okay if I sleep nudie again tonight. I’m a big boy. I promise not to dirty my bed.”
... the fucking fuckety-fuck is this.
Ron shook his head in bewilderment. “You’re getting more like your mum everyday. Go to the potty quickly while I get you an extra blanket so you’re not cold.”
Apparently people get cold when they're not wearing anything. Except when they don't.
“Typical man,” Sam responded. “You guys will never admit to being tired. Part of the male sense of self.”
“Not true,” Ron said defensively as he knelt down on the floor in front of Sam. “Timmy had me tuckered out and ready for an early night, but then I looked at you and suddenly felt invigorated.”
Because this is how Ron talks.
Sam could feel her body reacting as Ron began kissing her inner thighs. He was just inches away and the keenness was driving her crazy. Unexpectedly, there was a loud rapping at the door.
It was Hagrid, doing a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent. That would much be better than what actually happens next.
“I hate going out on a custody case,” the chartreuse haired girl said. “This isn’t proper duty for an Auror.”
“This is rather more than a simple child custody battle,” Sergeant Anders replied.
Sergeant Anders has a twirly moustache and a standing instruction for the audience to boo whenever he's on stage. He's that kind of villain. Did you really expect subtlety from Hogwarts Exposed?
“Child endangerment is involved. This tart of a mother is living with a werewolf, a werewolf who is a known attacker and has spent time in Azkaban.
Denise and Janice not knowing any insults other than "tart" can, if you're being more charitable than this fic deserves, be passed off as a catchphrase. When this new and completely unrelated character also uses it as his go-to insult, then:
The Paradigm Shift: When the characters are of one mind
Sometimes a particular character will have an insight that creates a new framing metaphor for the story-which is then inexplicably adopted by everyone else in the novel. Of course, this is because the insight is actually the author's, and having informed the reader, the author then feels free to proceed as if the idea is "common knowledge", shared by all.
That’s why the captain assigned four of us to pick up the kid rather than sending the normal patrol. Even though the animal’s bite is allegedly not dangerous except during the full moon, they’re still exceedingly strong.
Apparently Hogwarts Exposed werewolves have super strength even in their human form. Not that it does Ron a lot of good in this scene.
I don’t want anyone hurt. If any of my actions tonight seem overly aggressive, just remember Smithy.”
Click to viewStrangely not. Smithy is apparently Anders' best mate who got killed in gory fashion by a prostitute who turned out to be a werewolf. Is it any wonder he became evil when his backstory was written by the '90s Kid?
“Who the hell do you think you are banging like that?” Ron shouted as he opened the door.
“Official business, Ministry of Magic, Department of Child Welfare. Step back and no one will be hurt,” Anders ordered as the Aurors shoved their way into the apartment, the green haired girl tripping over the threshold and practically falling.
Anders doesn't strike me as the kind of person who'd end up working at the wizarding equivalent of Social Services, somehow. Now canon!Tonks (for it is she) is more than enough of a badass to handle one puffed-up idiot with a chip on his shoulder and his two cardboard lackeys and take Ron, Sam and Timmy to safety, but she's a woman in Hogwarts Exposed so "badass" is well and truly out.
Sam jumped to her feet, about to flee the room in order to screen her nudity.
You know she's bad and deserves everything the forces of shitdark care to throw at her because she's clearly not a true nudist. A true nudist wouldn't flee to screen her nudity. I only wish I was joking: I wouldn't be surprised at all if this was the actual intention.
“No one moves,” Anders bellowed. “As for modesty, I doubt she has any. A whore that sleeps with a werewolf has probably been in bed with half of England.”
"Muahahaha, aren't I so delightfully eeevil!"
“You fucking bastard,” Ron cried as he made for Anders only to be thrown to the floor by a curse hurled by Powers.
And speaking of badasses, Ron's supposed to be one too. Fat chance of that here. He seems to have forgotten that he's got a wand of his own.
“Sergeant Anders, that’s Ron Weasley,” Tonks declared. “He was part of the covenant that defeated Voldemort. Shouldn’t he be treated with more respect, and, the poor girl, can’t she at least be allowed to cover herself.”
“He’s a werewolf and she’s a whore,” Anders answered angrily. “Neither deserves respect or kindness. And you, Tonks, will find yourself in a menial pencil-pushing job if you don’t learn to follow orders without question.”
Upon which Tonks caught Anders and his henchmen by surprise mid-monologue with three well-placed hexes and took everyone to safety, later explaining that he'd been a disguised Death Eater who gave himself away, unable to control his rage in the presence of one of Voldemort's defeaters. Or at least this is what would have happened in a halfway good fic.
“No one is taking our son from us,” Ron roared as he once more lunged for Anders, this time successfully pinning the Sergeant to the floor and delivering a number of winning blows before Churchill and Powers sent him hurtling through the air with their combined curses.
Ron, you fucking moron, are you a wizard or not?
Ron hit the wall with such force that the resulting impact left him unconscious and literally in the next room.
LITERALLY COUNT: 26
And I'm sure we all needed that drink.
Tonks looked on in horror, not believing she was a part of this atrocity,
Well, you know what to do. Here's a hint: it begins with S and ends with "tupefy".
“What’s your problem Tonks,” Anders asked angrily. “Do you think someone will take advantage of the tart in her present condition? Hell, the bitch would probably enjoy waking up to the knowledge that she’d been gang banged while she slept.
Just in case we hadn't worked out by now that he's a villain. For heaven's sake, this has gone beyond grimdark and into the realms of outright farce. How do they expect to get away with all that shit? I know the Ministry itself is run by Emma "Great One" Wrong, but there are several layers of authority between her and the Elite Arsehole Squad who aren't going to stand for any of it. Especially if the author has retconned Kingsley into the story along with Tonks.
She’s rubbish.”
... that word, doesn't mean what you think it does. When you describe someone as rubbish, you're not calling them subhuman scum as the context seems to imply, but rather saying that they're not doing a good job at whatever they're supposed to be doing. For instance, if your team let in eight goals then you can say they were rubbish. If a story is full of poor characterisation, nonexistent description and stilted dialogue, you can say the author is rubbish. And so on.