Hogwarts Too Exposed Chapter 6 part 5
This update contains some nudity.
“They already all went up to the dorm. Are you ready?” Emily asked encouragingly as her and Kim lingered in the Slytherin common room.
I'm guessing the fact that we've seen this same primary school grammar error twice in quick succession has something to do with the betas being too busy reining in the author, this being a chapter that's even more about naked underage girls than Hogwarts Exposed usually is. For the record, you want the nominative "she" rather than the accusative "her" when she's the subject of the sentence. I didn't intend that last sentence to be self-demonstrating, but it is.
“No. But then I never will be, so we might as well go up,” Kim answered. “I know I did it this afternoon, but you’re the one that undressed me. Tonight I have to do it all by myself.”
Yes, about that time that she forcibly stripped her but it's all okay because Sue is always right. I hate this fic.
“Definitely. My undressing you would send signals that we really don’t want to send,” Emily said assertively.
Like "these girls need help".
“Remember to take off you shirt and skirt first. That way it won’t look like you’re scared and rushing. Then sit down and take off your shoes and socks.
"That's the Sock Gap." Actually, considering what the original Sock Gap was and the fact that they're both eleven (though with their dialogue it's hard to tell) that adds even worse implications to this scene.
Take your time walking to the bathroom. Drop something if you feel you are hurrying.
"Your trousers! Oh, wait."
I’ll be undressing at the same time, so they might not all be concentrating on you.
It's not like they're going to have anything else to do, after all. Everyone's life revolves around the almighty Sue.
“Do you think anyone will follow us into the bathroom?” Kim asked nervously.
How dare their evil dormmates want to use the bathroom at the same time!
“I don’t have that good of an imagination. Do I have to leave the stall open when I pee or have a movement?”
NOBODY SAYS "HAVE A MOVEMENT". Least of all an eleven-year-old.
“Heavens no. Nudists might not wear clothes, but when it comes to bodily functions or having sex, we’re as private as the next person,” Emily assured Kim.
Sex is a bodily function, so there was no earthly reason for Emily to mention it specifically. Especially because nudity is completely nonsexual, and quite aside from the fact that she's not going to be talking about sex at her age. Not without a lot of giggling, blushing and unusual euphemisms.
“Everybody is a little different when it comes to that. If I’m outside and have to pee, I’ll just squat and do it. Jamie will travel six miles into the woods before relieving herself. When it comes to a bowel movement, I also prefer privacy if it’s easily available.”
Now available in audio.
“What do we do after we’re done in the bathroom?” Kim quizzed.
"Exactly what we're talking about now. This conversation is pretty pointless, come to think of it."
“After tonight, which ever way you normally sleep. But tonight I think you should stay on your back. Somehow you have to wipe the shy timid imagine they have of you out of their minds. The quickest way is by being as bold as you have the guts to be.”
“It would be easier to go to your mum and ask to be sent home?” Kim said, sounding much too sincere.
Yes, leave Hogwarts and throw away the opportunity of several lifetimes over a misunderstanding about nudity.
“You’re not mean enough to do that and leave me to face Denise and Janice all by myself,” Emily said with a smile.
Her first thought isn't "don't throw your life away" but "don't leave me in the house I specifically asked the Sorting Hat to put me in". Best friends forever!
“Don’t be so sure of yourself,” Kim said with a weak smile. “After all, the hat did sort me into Slytherin.
Anyone would think the author just threw her into Slytherin for the sake of a cheap plot device and didn't actually consider what the Hat might have said to her. But far be it from me to question his artistic integrity.
As they entered the dorm, they were given a weak smile by Becky, which they both returned, but Denise and Janice totally ignored them.
And we can't be having that!
Without a word Emily sat down on the side of her bed and started to remove her shoes and socks. Kim remembered Emily’s instructions and took a deep breath. She opened her belt, pulled down the zipper and left her skirt drop to the floor. After she stepped out of it, she, in a very unladylike fashion bent from the waist to pick it up, in the process giving Denise and Janice quite a show of her butt.
I'm pretty sure Emily's instructions were "pretend you're still dressed", not "moon the one-dimensional antagonists".
Marta entered the dorm from the bath just as Kim was leaning over.
And again we have the ridiculously unnatural timing.
She was quite taken-back by the view that greeted her.
So taken aback that we need her POV right now!
Kim tried not to make eye contact with any of the girls.
For all of one sentence.
She didn’t even check to see how far Emily had gotten with undressing. She was bottomless and wanted to get this over with. She hung her skirt of the hook next to her bed and then without thinking about it, removed her shirt as quickly as possible.
Where did her robes go?
Denise and Janice looked at each other is disbelief as Kim stood next to her bed in only shoes and knee-high socks. Kim went to hang the shirt, but realized she would be wearing a clean one in the morning.
The downside to actually having something happening rather than incessant dialogue is, of course, that the author still hasn't the first clue how to keep the viewpoint consistent. First Marta, now Denise and/or Janice grab the mike for one solitary sentence.
Emily was watching Kim’s progress out of the corner of her eye and almost cheered at the bold move Kim took next. Wearing only her shoes and socks she walked over to the dirty clothes hamper and deposited the shirt.
This reads as though Emily cheered at Kim depositing her shirt in the laundry before she actually did it. And yes, now it's Emily's POV. I'm getting motion sickness here.
On the way back Becky commented to her. “You and Emily are quite something,” she said, a smile on her face.
Sue is wonderful, yadda yadda.
She pushed the shoes under her bed as she reached for and slipped on her slippers.
What, all at the same time?
Then after grabbing her toothbrush she dropped the socks into the laundry before entering the bath. Emily was following her.
The order in which the readers perceive events happening is the order in which they're written, which for most people would be stating the obvious. This author isn't "most people", or he'd realise that the afters and befores are yet again redundant.
“I have to sit down,” Kim said as she entered a stall. She closed the door, not that she had any business to attend to, but after all she was naked and sitting on the john.
We really, really don't call it the john.
When she reached her bed, Kim put her arms up in the air and stretched, “It’s been a long day, she said. “Good night everybody.”
Marta and Becky returned her good night, but Janice and Denise ignored her.
Kim pushed her slippers slightly under the bed. Then brushed the bed clothes aside and laid down on her back leaving herself open to the inspection of any one who walked by the bed.
“How long do I have to wait before I can close my drapes and have some privacy,” Kim whispered to Emily,
“I’d give it at least five or ten minutes,” Emily suggested.
Marta just looked at Becky and shook her head. “I don’t know what Denise and Janice have against those two, but one thing is clear. Neither of them was the Powerpuff girl.”
These are supposed to be the good ones. Why do they even care who the girl in knickers they shouldn't even recognise is?
“I agree,” Becky quickly replied. “You don’t get the confidence to walk around starkers like that overnight. I bet it has been years since either of them wore knickers. I’d like to be friends with both of them, but Denise and Janice sort of make it a ‘them or else us’ decision. I’m not sure if I have the guts to go against those two.”
Yet you have the guts to discuss not having the guts to go against them right in front of them. I've snipped nothing there: at no point did Denise and Janice leave the dorm.
“I know what you mean,’ Marta said. “They look like they could be extremely nasty and Denise knows a lot of the sixth and seventh years.”
None of whom have anything more important to worry about than the dressing habits of first years. Obviously the N.E.W.T.s aren't so nastily exhausting in the HEverse.
“I was just thinking. At ten months a year for seven years, I only have to do that two thousand one hundred twenty-one more times.”
Emily didn’t answer at first as she mentally recalculated Kim’s number in her head.
Well, how the hell else would she mentally recalculate it apart from in her head?
“I hate to be the barer of bad news,” Emily said, “but you only calculated once a day. You have to be bare in front of them both in the morning and at night.”
“Oh! Shit!”
Once you've established her as the kind of eleven-year-old who'd say something like "most certainly it's wrong to expose your private area", "shit" doesn't exactly fit. She'd be more likely to say, "Oh, figurative bowel movements!"
“They already all went up to the dorm. Are you ready?” Emily asked encouragingly as her and Kim lingered in the Slytherin common room.
I'm guessing the fact that we've seen this same primary school grammar error twice in quick succession has something to do with the betas being too busy reining in the author, this being a chapter that's even more about naked underage girls than Hogwarts Exposed usually is. For the record, you want the nominative "she" rather than the accusative "her" when she's the subject of the sentence. I didn't intend that last sentence to be self-demonstrating, but it is.
“No. But then I never will be, so we might as well go up,” Kim answered. “I know I did it this afternoon, but you’re the one that undressed me. Tonight I have to do it all by myself.”
Yes, about that time that she forcibly stripped her but it's all okay because Sue is always right. I hate this fic.
“Definitely. My undressing you would send signals that we really don’t want to send,” Emily said assertively.
Like "these girls need help".
“Remember to take off you shirt and skirt first. That way it won’t look like you’re scared and rushing. Then sit down and take off your shoes and socks.
"That's the Sock Gap." Actually, considering what the original Sock Gap was and the fact that they're both eleven (though with their dialogue it's hard to tell) that adds even worse implications to this scene.
Take your time walking to the bathroom. Drop something if you feel you are hurrying.
"Your trousers! Oh, wait."
I’ll be undressing at the same time, so they might not all be concentrating on you.
It's not like they're going to have anything else to do, after all. Everyone's life revolves around the almighty Sue.
“Do you think anyone will follow us into the bathroom?” Kim asked nervously.
How dare their evil dormmates want to use the bathroom at the same time!
“I don’t have that good of an imagination. Do I have to leave the stall open when I pee or have a movement?”
NOBODY SAYS "HAVE A MOVEMENT". Least of all an eleven-year-old.
“Heavens no. Nudists might not wear clothes, but when it comes to bodily functions or having sex, we’re as private as the next person,” Emily assured Kim.
Sex is a bodily function, so there was no earthly reason for Emily to mention it specifically. Especially because nudity is completely nonsexual, and quite aside from the fact that she's not going to be talking about sex at her age. Not without a lot of giggling, blushing and unusual euphemisms.
“Everybody is a little different when it comes to that. If I’m outside and have to pee, I’ll just squat and do it. Jamie will travel six miles into the woods before relieving herself. When it comes to a bowel movement, I also prefer privacy if it’s easily available.”
Now available in audio.
“What do we do after we’re done in the bathroom?” Kim quizzed.
"Exactly what we're talking about now. This conversation is pretty pointless, come to think of it."
“After tonight, which ever way you normally sleep. But tonight I think you should stay on your back. Somehow you have to wipe the shy timid imagine they have of you out of their minds. The quickest way is by being as bold as you have the guts to be.”
“It would be easier to go to your mum and ask to be sent home?” Kim said, sounding much too sincere.
Yes, leave Hogwarts and throw away the opportunity of several lifetimes over a misunderstanding about nudity.
“You’re not mean enough to do that and leave me to face Denise and Janice all by myself,” Emily said with a smile.
Her first thought isn't "don't throw your life away" but "don't leave me in the house I specifically asked the Sorting Hat to put me in". Best friends forever!
“Don’t be so sure of yourself,” Kim said with a weak smile. “After all, the hat did sort me into Slytherin.
Anyone would think the author just threw her into Slytherin for the sake of a cheap plot device and didn't actually consider what the Hat might have said to her. But far be it from me to question his artistic integrity.
As they entered the dorm, they were given a weak smile by Becky, which they both returned, but Denise and Janice totally ignored them.
And we can't be having that!
Without a word Emily sat down on the side of her bed and started to remove her shoes and socks. Kim remembered Emily’s instructions and took a deep breath. She opened her belt, pulled down the zipper and left her skirt drop to the floor. After she stepped out of it, she, in a very unladylike fashion bent from the waist to pick it up, in the process giving Denise and Janice quite a show of her butt.
I'm pretty sure Emily's instructions were "pretend you're still dressed", not "moon the one-dimensional antagonists".
Marta entered the dorm from the bath just as Kim was leaning over.
And again we have the ridiculously unnatural timing.
She was quite taken-back by the view that greeted her.
So taken aback that we need her POV right now!
Kim tried not to make eye contact with any of the girls.
For all of one sentence.
She didn’t even check to see how far Emily had gotten with undressing. She was bottomless and wanted to get this over with. She hung her skirt of the hook next to her bed and then without thinking about it, removed her shirt as quickly as possible.
Where did her robes go?
Denise and Janice looked at each other is disbelief as Kim stood next to her bed in only shoes and knee-high socks. Kim went to hang the shirt, but realized she would be wearing a clean one in the morning.
The downside to actually having something happening rather than incessant dialogue is, of course, that the author still hasn't the first clue how to keep the viewpoint consistent. First Marta, now Denise and/or Janice grab the mike for one solitary sentence.
Emily was watching Kim’s progress out of the corner of her eye and almost cheered at the bold move Kim took next. Wearing only her shoes and socks she walked over to the dirty clothes hamper and deposited the shirt.
This reads as though Emily cheered at Kim depositing her shirt in the laundry before she actually did it. And yes, now it's Emily's POV. I'm getting motion sickness here.
On the way back Becky commented to her. “You and Emily are quite something,” she said, a smile on her face.
Sue is wonderful, yadda yadda.
She pushed the shoes under her bed as she reached for and slipped on her slippers.
What, all at the same time?
Then after grabbing her toothbrush she dropped the socks into the laundry before entering the bath. Emily was following her.
The order in which the readers perceive events happening is the order in which they're written, which for most people would be stating the obvious. This author isn't "most people", or he'd realise that the afters and befores are yet again redundant.
“I have to sit down,” Kim said as she entered a stall. She closed the door, not that she had any business to attend to, but after all she was naked and sitting on the john.
We really, really don't call it the john.
When she reached her bed, Kim put her arms up in the air and stretched, “It’s been a long day, she said. “Good night everybody.”
Marta and Becky returned her good night, but Janice and Denise ignored her.
Kim pushed her slippers slightly under the bed. Then brushed the bed clothes aside and laid down on her back leaving herself open to the inspection of any one who walked by the bed.
“How long do I have to wait before I can close my drapes and have some privacy,” Kim whispered to Emily,
“I’d give it at least five or ten minutes,” Emily suggested.
Marta just looked at Becky and shook her head. “I don’t know what Denise and Janice have against those two, but one thing is clear. Neither of them was the Powerpuff girl.”
These are supposed to be the good ones. Why do they even care who the girl in knickers they shouldn't even recognise is?
“I agree,” Becky quickly replied. “You don’t get the confidence to walk around starkers like that overnight. I bet it has been years since either of them wore knickers. I’d like to be friends with both of them, but Denise and Janice sort of make it a ‘them or else us’ decision. I’m not sure if I have the guts to go against those two.”
Yet you have the guts to discuss not having the guts to go against them right in front of them. I've snipped nothing there: at no point did Denise and Janice leave the dorm.
“I know what you mean,’ Marta said. “They look like they could be extremely nasty and Denise knows a lot of the sixth and seventh years.”
None of whom have anything more important to worry about than the dressing habits of first years. Obviously the N.E.W.T.s aren't so nastily exhausting in the HEverse.
“I was just thinking. At ten months a year for seven years, I only have to do that two thousand one hundred twenty-one more times.”
Emily didn’t answer at first as she mentally recalculated Kim’s number in her head.
Well, how the hell else would she mentally recalculate it apart from in her head?
“I hate to be the barer of bad news,” Emily said, “but you only calculated once a day. You have to be bare in front of them both in the morning and at night.”
“Oh! Shit!”
Once you've established her as the kind of eleven-year-old who'd say something like "most certainly it's wrong to expose your private area", "shit" doesn't exactly fit. She'd be more likely to say, "Oh, figurative bowel movements!"