Hogwarts Too Exposed Chapter 4 part 2
The one upside to this chapter having no description at all is that it's the only way the author is ever going to keep the POV consistent.
“I’m sorry, but I think it’s preposterous to take a long, mind-numbing train ride to London just so we can take another long train ride back,” Emily complained.
Whereas I think it's preposterous for an eleven-year-old to be using the word "preposterous" in everyday conversation, but what the hell.
“All the items we need for school are readily available in Hogsmeade. There is absolutely no need to travel all the way to London just to shop in Diagon Alley.”
I mean, even adults don't talk like this. How about this for a rewrite:
"Why are we going to London when we can get everything in Hogsmeade?" Emily asked. "That's stupid."
It could use a description of her expression and tone of voice, of course, but asking for description in this chapter is a lost cause.
“You may say that now, but you’d regret not having the experience of shopping in Diagon Alley and riding the Hogwarts Express to Hogsmeade. Harry and Hermione think it’s important that you participate in the entire Hogwarts Experience like most first year students and I agree,” Jamie answered. “After this year you can do without going to London if you want.”
“At least you’ll be acquainted with what to expect at the end of the train ride,” Caitlin added enviously. “Last year I was frightened to death. Actually I doubted for a time that I’d even get to attend here. When my letter arrived at the orphanage, everyone knew what it was, but none of the administrators really commented about it.”
... I give up.
“I was an orphan and all my money was in a trust. How was I expected to obtain all the books and supplies I needed? I doubted, also, that Madam Crumb, the head mistress, would simply allow me to walk out on my own and catch a train, especially after what had just happened at camp. Finally near the end of August, when I had just about given up hope, she came.”
Both Jamie and Emily stared at Caitlin questioningly. Neither had ever heard this story before. “She? Who came?” Jamie asked.
“Tonks!” Caitlin answered. “Actually her name is Nymphadora Tonks, but she prefers to go by her surname.”
Caitlin went to Hogwarts in the first Hogwarts Exposed before Order of the Phoenix had been published, so before Tonks had been revealed. And you know what that means, don't you? Ladies and gentlemen, we have a retcon!
“So would I,” Emily said. “I can’t believe anyone’s parents could have been so cruel as to name their daughter Nymphadora, that’s worse than being named Fluffy like that one girl in the pageant.”
The parents of the pageant girl just named her after their favourite three-headed dog.
Caitlin continued. “Tonks was great. She’s a little clumsy, but really nice. Tonks saw to it that I got all my books and supplies and then took me to the train. Promised that she’d be there to meet me at the end of the school year, but my status changed a lot.
That's what happens when you spend all your time on Facebook.
I hope I get to see her again someday.”
I hope she doesn't. I shudder to think how this author would handle her character.
“Speaking of books and supplies,” Jamie said, changing the subject. “Do you have your list, Emily? May I see it?”
I'm very reluctant to outright say "never" when discussing writing style. There's always someone who can make almost anything work, however unlikely it might seem. However, I have to put my foot down here: you never need to tell us when someone's changing the subject. Even if you want to draw attention to your POV character noticing the subject change, you're still better off describing their reaction rather than just telling us that the subject has changed. That the current dialogue and the previous dialogue don't relate to the same topic should be self-evident.
Emily handed her list to Jamie who looked it over quickly before saying, “This brings back memories. Not much has changed since I was a first year. I still don’t understand though why first years are not allowed broomsticks.”
I loaded this page and read it before saying, "Sentences are not minivans!"
Okay, as run-on sentences go this isn't the worst it can possibly be. The problem isn't with the size of the sentence, but with the fact that the three separate actions (Emily handing the list to Jamie, her reading the list and her commenting on it) sort of run in to each other. The author might as well have written "Emily handed her list to Jamie and then she looked it over quickly and then she said..." and be done with it. So, again with the rewrite:
Emily handed her list to Jamie. She looked over it. [insert proper description here]
"This brings back memories," she said. "Not much has changed etc."
“Me either,” Emily agreed. “I hope Harry keeps teaching me flying. He says I’m going to be able to fly circles around the other first years.”
“You’re already able to fly circles around this second year,” Caitlin said sadly.
Woe is the Sue who (horror of all horrors!) isn't good at everything!
“Don’t fret Caitlin,” Jamie said consolingly.
"I'll find your missing comma."
I’d give up both my flying and Animagus abilities in order to be a Hyperempath like you. I doubt I’ll ever save any lives by changing into a unicorn or catching a Snitch.”
By Hogwarts Exposed standards, this constitutes genius foreshadowing. For any other writer it's mediocre at best, but we take the not-so-bad when we find it. And once again find myself giggling like a schoolboy at the thought of the scene it's foreshadowing, which might just be the most ludicrously Freudian thing ever given hard drive space.
Hermione entering the room interrupted their conversation. “I recognize you girls hate the idea of putting clothes on, but we really must hurry or we’ll miss the train.”
You very rarely have to tell us when a conversation has been interrupted, at least when you're using direct speech. And it's not clear that this is Hermione's line, and that's where dialogue tags come in. Therefore:
Hermione entered the room. "I recognise you girls hate the idea of putting clothes on," she said, "but we really must hurry or we'll miss the train."
Then, of course, there's the question of how exactly Hermione entered the room. Did she walk quietly through the door, or burst loudly? Did she Apparate, because I doubt the author remembers that you can't in Hogwarts? Did she fly in the window on a broomstick, because that wouldn't be close to the most OOC thing she's done in Hogwarts Exposed? All "Hermione entered the room" tells us, whether or not she's interrupting the conversation in the process, is that Hermione wasn't there and now she is.
“Isn’t Dad going to accompany us to London?” Caitlin inquired.
“No. Yesterday was the first night of the full moon. He’ll be staying with Ron again tonight and tomorrow in the dungeon. Fortunately they’ll both make the sorting and feast.”
“What time will we get to London tonight Mum?” Caitlin asked.
“It will probably be sometime after dinner,” Hermione answered. “I thought that we could check into our rooms at the Leaky Cauldron and then go out for something to eat and see a muggle movie. Then tomorrow we can spend the entire day shopping at Diagon Alley. Wednesday, after a late breakfast I’ll take you to the train and then Apparate back to Hogsmeade.”
I've got an idea. How about you show us this happening rather than wasting over a hundred words with the characters wittering on about what's about to happen?
“Sure would be a lot easier to just toddle on down to Hogsmeade and buy what we need there,” Emily suggested sarcastically.
If she's saying that it would be easier to go to Hogsmeade sarcastically, then what she actually means is that it would be harder to go to Hogsmeade. So... pointless comment that's not even right, and even interpreted the way the author probably intended (protip: words mean things) would be redundant.
“It would save a lot of time and two long boring train rides.”
Completely redundant.
“Yes it would,” Hermione agreed. “But some experiences in life are too important to miss. Harry, Jamie, and I feel the first year trip on the Hogsmeade Express is one of those experiences.”
The Hogwarts Express. As in, the name of the school and half of your title. As in, the name of the train displayed in massive letters on the cover of the first book. It is not difficult to remember!
“It was good of you to hang about with me, mate,” Ron said earnestly to Harry.
The FPODD is looking particularly featureless tonight. We expect perfect conditions for disembodied dialogue.
It was the second night of the full moon. Harry and Ron had slept locked in one of the Hogwarts dungeons last night and would be doing the same tomorrow evening.
Even this bland summation is enough to make the part of Hermione's dialogue concerning Harry and Ron's plans redundant.
“Perhaps this time it’s I who should be thanking you,” Harry replied. “If given the choice would you rather sleep in a dungeon for three nights or go on a shopping trip with four women?”
Ron laughed, “There is no doubt about it, mate. This time, you do owe me.”
I hope you enjoy your humour freshly scraped from the bottom of the barrel. Great of Ron to provide the laugh track.
“Ron, we didn’t get the opportunity to talk much last night. Has your rapport with Sam improved any?” Harry asked hopefully.
Ron’s face quickly took on a depressed expression.
So he frowned, he looked like he was about to cry, he hung his head, what? There's so many ways you can describe a saddened reaction, and "his face took on a depressed expression" is not one of them. I can't even read that aloud without sounding like a robot. Anyway, they have the same conversation Harry and Hermione had about Ron's relationship with Sam, which doesn't reveal anything we didn't already know or advance the plot or characterisation in any way.
“Sort of like saying I love you. The words alone have become meaningless because they are slung around so freely. They have to be accompanied by actions that show they are genuine. Ron, you can get her back, but it’s going to take more than just words.”
Or, to put it another way, show don't tell.
“I’m sorry, but I think it’s preposterous to take a long, mind-numbing train ride to London just so we can take another long train ride back,” Emily complained.
Whereas I think it's preposterous for an eleven-year-old to be using the word "preposterous" in everyday conversation, but what the hell.
“All the items we need for school are readily available in Hogsmeade. There is absolutely no need to travel all the way to London just to shop in Diagon Alley.”
I mean, even adults don't talk like this. How about this for a rewrite:
"Why are we going to London when we can get everything in Hogsmeade?" Emily asked. "That's stupid."
It could use a description of her expression and tone of voice, of course, but asking for description in this chapter is a lost cause.
“You may say that now, but you’d regret not having the experience of shopping in Diagon Alley and riding the Hogwarts Express to Hogsmeade. Harry and Hermione think it’s important that you participate in the entire Hogwarts Experience like most first year students and I agree,” Jamie answered. “After this year you can do without going to London if you want.”
“At least you’ll be acquainted with what to expect at the end of the train ride,” Caitlin added enviously. “Last year I was frightened to death. Actually I doubted for a time that I’d even get to attend here. When my letter arrived at the orphanage, everyone knew what it was, but none of the administrators really commented about it.”
... I give up.
“I was an orphan and all my money was in a trust. How was I expected to obtain all the books and supplies I needed? I doubted, also, that Madam Crumb, the head mistress, would simply allow me to walk out on my own and catch a train, especially after what had just happened at camp. Finally near the end of August, when I had just about given up hope, she came.”
Both Jamie and Emily stared at Caitlin questioningly. Neither had ever heard this story before. “She? Who came?” Jamie asked.
“Tonks!” Caitlin answered. “Actually her name is Nymphadora Tonks, but she prefers to go by her surname.”
Caitlin went to Hogwarts in the first Hogwarts Exposed before Order of the Phoenix had been published, so before Tonks had been revealed. And you know what that means, don't you? Ladies and gentlemen, we have a retcon!
“So would I,” Emily said. “I can’t believe anyone’s parents could have been so cruel as to name their daughter Nymphadora, that’s worse than being named Fluffy like that one girl in the pageant.”
The parents of the pageant girl just named her after their favourite three-headed dog.
Caitlin continued. “Tonks was great. She’s a little clumsy, but really nice. Tonks saw to it that I got all my books and supplies and then took me to the train. Promised that she’d be there to meet me at the end of the school year, but my status changed a lot.
That's what happens when you spend all your time on Facebook.
I hope I get to see her again someday.”
I hope she doesn't. I shudder to think how this author would handle her character.
“Speaking of books and supplies,” Jamie said, changing the subject. “Do you have your list, Emily? May I see it?”
I'm very reluctant to outright say "never" when discussing writing style. There's always someone who can make almost anything work, however unlikely it might seem. However, I have to put my foot down here: you never need to tell us when someone's changing the subject. Even if you want to draw attention to your POV character noticing the subject change, you're still better off describing their reaction rather than just telling us that the subject has changed. That the current dialogue and the previous dialogue don't relate to the same topic should be self-evident.
Emily handed her list to Jamie who looked it over quickly before saying, “This brings back memories. Not much has changed since I was a first year. I still don’t understand though why first years are not allowed broomsticks.”
I loaded this page and read it before saying, "Sentences are not minivans!"
Okay, as run-on sentences go this isn't the worst it can possibly be. The problem isn't with the size of the sentence, but with the fact that the three separate actions (Emily handing the list to Jamie, her reading the list and her commenting on it) sort of run in to each other. The author might as well have written "Emily handed her list to Jamie and then she looked it over quickly and then she said..." and be done with it. So, again with the rewrite:
Emily handed her list to Jamie. She looked over it. [insert proper description here]
"This brings back memories," she said. "Not much has changed etc."
“Me either,” Emily agreed. “I hope Harry keeps teaching me flying. He says I’m going to be able to fly circles around the other first years.”
“You’re already able to fly circles around this second year,” Caitlin said sadly.
Woe is the Sue who (horror of all horrors!) isn't good at everything!
“Don’t fret Caitlin,” Jamie said consolingly.
"I'll find your missing comma."
I’d give up both my flying and Animagus abilities in order to be a Hyperempath like you. I doubt I’ll ever save any lives by changing into a unicorn or catching a Snitch.”
By Hogwarts Exposed standards, this constitutes genius foreshadowing. For any other writer it's mediocre at best, but we take the not-so-bad when we find it. And once again find myself giggling like a schoolboy at the thought of the scene it's foreshadowing, which might just be the most ludicrously Freudian thing ever given hard drive space.
Hermione entering the room interrupted their conversation. “I recognize you girls hate the idea of putting clothes on, but we really must hurry or we’ll miss the train.”
You very rarely have to tell us when a conversation has been interrupted, at least when you're using direct speech. And it's not clear that this is Hermione's line, and that's where dialogue tags come in. Therefore:
Hermione entered the room. "I recognise you girls hate the idea of putting clothes on," she said, "but we really must hurry or we'll miss the train."
Then, of course, there's the question of how exactly Hermione entered the room. Did she walk quietly through the door, or burst loudly? Did she Apparate, because I doubt the author remembers that you can't in Hogwarts? Did she fly in the window on a broomstick, because that wouldn't be close to the most OOC thing she's done in Hogwarts Exposed? All "Hermione entered the room" tells us, whether or not she's interrupting the conversation in the process, is that Hermione wasn't there and now she is.
“Isn’t Dad going to accompany us to London?” Caitlin inquired.
“No. Yesterday was the first night of the full moon. He’ll be staying with Ron again tonight and tomorrow in the dungeon. Fortunately they’ll both make the sorting and feast.”
“What time will we get to London tonight Mum?” Caitlin asked.
“It will probably be sometime after dinner,” Hermione answered. “I thought that we could check into our rooms at the Leaky Cauldron and then go out for something to eat and see a muggle movie. Then tomorrow we can spend the entire day shopping at Diagon Alley. Wednesday, after a late breakfast I’ll take you to the train and then Apparate back to Hogsmeade.”
I've got an idea. How about you show us this happening rather than wasting over a hundred words with the characters wittering on about what's about to happen?
“Sure would be a lot easier to just toddle on down to Hogsmeade and buy what we need there,” Emily suggested sarcastically.
If she's saying that it would be easier to go to Hogsmeade sarcastically, then what she actually means is that it would be harder to go to Hogsmeade. So... pointless comment that's not even right, and even interpreted the way the author probably intended (protip: words mean things) would be redundant.
“It would save a lot of time and two long boring train rides.”
Completely redundant.
“Yes it would,” Hermione agreed. “But some experiences in life are too important to miss. Harry, Jamie, and I feel the first year trip on the Hogsmeade Express is one of those experiences.”
The Hogwarts Express. As in, the name of the school and half of your title. As in, the name of the train displayed in massive letters on the cover of the first book. It is not difficult to remember!
“It was good of you to hang about with me, mate,” Ron said earnestly to Harry.
The FPODD is looking particularly featureless tonight. We expect perfect conditions for disembodied dialogue.
It was the second night of the full moon. Harry and Ron had slept locked in one of the Hogwarts dungeons last night and would be doing the same tomorrow evening.
Even this bland summation is enough to make the part of Hermione's dialogue concerning Harry and Ron's plans redundant.
“Perhaps this time it’s I who should be thanking you,” Harry replied. “If given the choice would you rather sleep in a dungeon for three nights or go on a shopping trip with four women?”
Ron laughed, “There is no doubt about it, mate. This time, you do owe me.”
I hope you enjoy your humour freshly scraped from the bottom of the barrel. Great of Ron to provide the laugh track.
“Ron, we didn’t get the opportunity to talk much last night. Has your rapport with Sam improved any?” Harry asked hopefully.
Ron’s face quickly took on a depressed expression.
So he frowned, he looked like he was about to cry, he hung his head, what? There's so many ways you can describe a saddened reaction, and "his face took on a depressed expression" is not one of them. I can't even read that aloud without sounding like a robot. Anyway, they have the same conversation Harry and Hermione had about Ron's relationship with Sam, which doesn't reveal anything we didn't already know or advance the plot or characterisation in any way.
“Sort of like saying I love you. The words alone have become meaningless because they are slung around so freely. They have to be accompanied by actions that show they are genuine. Ron, you can get her back, but it’s going to take more than just words.”
Or, to put it another way, show don't tell.