Hogwarts Too Exposed Chapter 1 part 2
And here's the rest of the first chapter.
While the girls went swimming, Harry and Hermione decided to enjoy a little water activity of their own. Although they had two showers available, they opted to use only one. One thing lead to another and by the time they stepped out of the water, they had both started to wrinkle.
I'm very much in favour of showing rather than telling when it comes to sex. We don't need to know exactly how tab A gets inserted into slot B because anyone who's old enough to read about that already knows exactly how it works. We no longer have to rely on books to tell us what goes where. However, this kind of coy bullshit is exactly what gives the whole idea of implied offscreen sex a bad name.
“Hermione, come out here and observe the girls,” Harry said invitingly.
He said his invitation invitingly. That's good to know. Allow me to express my frustration frustratedly.
“Harry, how can they do it?” Hermione inquired.
“Are you referring to the girls?” Harry inquired.
This would have looked repetitive even if the author had stuck to good old "said" or "asked", let alone as it is.
“No, not the girls so much as some of those other people. I expected everyone here to be young and built flawlessly, but they’re not. Some of them are fairly elderly and out of shape. How can they possibly be at ease with everyone seeing them naked?”
“Jamie keeps telling us that naturism has naught to do with bodily form. I imagine I must agree,” Harry said. “If all it took was a faultless body, then there’d be no rationale for you to be hiding up here.”
What is with the dialogue in this fic series? No, really? How does this pass as authentic human speech, not only to the author and his betas but goodness knows how many of his readers? I mean, have they never had a conversation in their lives or just never paid proper attention to one? Or, hell, even read the Harry Potter books or seen the films? I honestly do not get it.
Hermione blushed as she gave Harry a hug and then kissed him passionately. “Mr. Potter, you are very good for a girl’s ego.
HE!Hermione has an ego?
I desperately want to make the mirror’s reflection become factual, but I could never get up the nerve to go down there naked. Could you?”
“I’m not sure, but I intend to give it a go tomorrow,” Harry said without shilly-shallying.
I think we can infer that he said it without shilly-shallying from the fact that there was no shilly-shallying in the narration. The only times we need to be told something didn't happen is when the author has set up a reasonable possibility that it might.
Hermione was totally perturbed with herself. She wanted so badly to just pull her towel off and run down to the pool with the girls, but she knew she couldn’t do it. She despised her priggish side.
prig n. a person who behaves as if they are morally superior to other people. priggish adj. (Paperback Oxford English Dictionary 2006)
Or, to put it another way, the entire cast of Hogwarts Exposed.
“I was thinking about that. Wouldn’t you fit in better if perchance there were a little less to your bathing costume? Even on the textile beaches of the Riviera, many of the women go topless. I’m not suggesting you do that, but maybe if you wore a bikini.”
The context doesn't offer much of a clue, but this term "textile" is basically the naturist equivalent of "Muggle". I first encountered it on a Radio 4 Archive Hour segment on naturism a few years ago. It's not the slur that the girls in general and Emily in particular later use it as. I'm at a loss as to why Harry, who isn't (yet) a naturist himself and hasn't actually been taught it by anyone as far as I've seen, is using it in this scene.
For that matter, you don't have to go to the French Riviera to see topless women on beaches. The author's version of the UK seems to be constructed of one part cliché to one part projection backed by no actual research, or he'd know that we have topless people of both sexes on beaches here (weather permitting!) and there's little to no controversy about it. It might have been different in 2004, but I doubt it.
Hermione just looked up at the sky and shook her head. “I never thought the day would arrive that I would deem a one piece swimming costume as over dressed, but as I look at these people I tend to be in agreement with you. My current costume will draw a lot of gratuitous attention here because I’m too covered; yet I lack the self-confidence to go nude. What do you advocate, Harry?”
“I’m not at all sure you’ll like my proposal, but I feel we should see if we can find you a new suit tonight.” Harry took a deep breath and then finished. “One that’s so tiny that it hardly covers what in general needs to be covered.”
One of the many, many reasons you'll never see me do a dramatic reading of Hogwarts Exposed (beyond the fact that it'd take until the heat death of the universe to put together) is that I'd end up doing myself permanent harm putting on ultra-RP voices for all the cast.
Hermione turned and walked back into the room where she threw herself on the bed and buried her head in the pillow.
I know how she feels.
“Are you ready to head out for the night?” Harry asked Hermione.
“All ready. How do I look? She asked.
"Same as you always look. Like you've just stepped out of the author's wank bank."
“You’re a vision,” Harry responded. “You should wear muggle dresses more frequently.”
Hermione was wearing a shape pleasing summer dress that exposed more of her lovely legs than normal with robes.
Because robes are TEH EV0LZ! LoPEF, is that you?
The girls entered the room each wearing new sandals and nothing more.
“Won’t you girls be chilly when the sun goes down?” Harry inquired.
“We’re tough,” Emily replied.
This exchange is crying out for a call-back to Hogwarts Exposed Chapter 23, but the author's short-term memory probably doesn't extend that far back.
Hermione looked questioningly at Jamie. “Now you are absolutely sure that you girls can be like that?”
"No, you're actually not allowed to be naked in a naturist resort!"
“There are a number of great restaurants with a wide variety of good food. We can find anything from French to TexMex to Indian to American and lots and lots of Pizza.” Jamie looked at Emily. “Which restaurant did you like best?”
“I think for the first night we should go to ’Le Mississippi’. Their menu is varied with selections in all nationalities. I’m sure everyone will find something they like.”
Okay, does this sound like the kind of opinion any ten-year-old in the history of ever has given in response to being asked where they want to go for tea? Anyway, we skip over their evening to the following morning, where Harry and Hermione wake up on the Featureless Plane of Disembodied Dialogue.
“Good morning sleepyhead,” Harry said as he gently kissed Hermione on the cheek. “Are you ready to get dressed and go out for breakfast or would you prefer to sleep in and have us bring you back something?”
“What time is it Harry?" Hermione asked in a startled manner. It was rare for Hermione to sleep past her normal wakeup time.
We're not sure which of them is meant to be reflecting on this fact, so I'm left with an air of vague confusion.
“Is it too late for us to go for a run before breakfast?”
“It’s only seven. We still have plenty of time to take a run on the beach before breakfast. Would you like me to inform the girls that we’re going to do that?” Harry questioned.
“Would you, please? And Harry, do you care if I use the charm instead of wearing my running outfit?” Hermione asked bashfully.
She's asking the guy who married her because he thinks she's got nice tits whether he minds if she runs around naked. That's kind of like asking whether water is wet.
“That’s a good idea. I might try that. At least I should have no worry of anyone saying ‘Finite Incantatum’ here.”
Or even in the wizarding world, considering that it's Finite Incantatem.
Hermione laughed and then looked at Harry thoughtfully. “Are you still intending to give it a try today?”
“Yes,” Harry said in a firm tone. “I only hope I don’t experience an erection. I’d die of embarrassment.”
Nudity is nonsexual, which is why his mind immediately went to boners.
“Only if I don’t hex you first for having sexual thoughts about another woman,” Hermione said in a teasing way.
Yes, go ahead and do magic in the middle of a crowded Muggle resort. That's not going to get you into trouble at all.
Hermione smiled. “No, we’re not departing; Harry is considering giving naturism a try today.”
Jamie looked at Harry elatedly. “That’s brilliant. Emily and Caitlin will be pleased. I know they want to attack you in the pool. Harry, it’s not difficult at all. I’ll help you. Hermione, how about you? Will you be making an effort, also?”
Hermione just shook her head despondently. “There is a part of me that wants to a great deal, but the prudish part is much stronger. I just can’t do it. Harry did convince me to use the charm instead of wearing a bathing costume, however.”
HE!Hermione is already a pale shadow of her canon self, so utterly subservient to "her man" that she might as well live on Gor, and presenting one of her few signs of independence as a terrible thing that even she hates does not help.
Suddenly the blaring voices of Emily and Caitlin were heard shouting, “Are we going to breakfast or are we running first?”
Were heard shouting by whom, exactly? This is one of the worst misuses of the passive voice I've ever seen.
“We’re running,” Hermione called back. “Get on your sneakers and socks.”
Ever since zenithewonder pointed it out in the comments, I can't help noticing this bizarre fixation with socks and trainers (note: never "sneakers" in UK usage - Firefox's EN-GB spell-checker doesn't even recognise it!) the author seems to have. It's like the Coupling Sock Gap in reverse.
“Harry, I know Jamie warned us to get every place with suntan lotion, but if you continue to rub me there, I’m going to drag you into bed rather than go to the pool,” Hermione said laughingly.
Welcome back to the Featureless Plane of Disembodied Dialogue, where for reasons known only to the author we're having to infer what's going on from what the characters are saying, with absolutely no other cues. Which might be just as well in this case.
“Turn about is fair play. Here I am afraid of becoming excited and where do you decide to rub suntan lotion first?” Harry countered.
“I just wanted to insure that a sunburn didn’t incapacitate you for the balance of the vacation.”
MISUSED BALANCE COUNT: 21
Yes, I'm doing this now. I should have started a long time ago. I counted twenty in Hogwarts Exposed, which was far more times than the word "balance" was used properly.
“No! Don’t get dressed. Just cover yourself with a towel,” Jamie instructed.
Harry looked at Hermione for guidance. “She’s been doing this for sixteen years. It’s best that you consent to let her steer you today.”
You do need some dialogue tags, you know. Also, Jamie apparently turned sixteen without anyone acknowledging it in any way.
When the girls entered the room Hermione appeared to be in her one piece bathing costume and Harry was standing fretfully next to her wearing only a towel and a smile.
How was he fretful if he was smiling? I admit he could be trying and failing to put a brave face on it, but as written the sentence contradicts itself.
Harry looked at Jamie, extremely reluctant to answer until encouraged by Hermione. “My two biggest concerns are that I might have a reaction and I’m apprehensive about doing this in front of you girls.”
And the way this is phrased makes it look as though he's afraid of getting a reaction to the underage girls. D:
Jamie nodded her head. “We were discussing that in the other room. In that case we should do away with one of those concerns before we ever reach the pool area.” Jamie reached toward Harry and before he realized what was happening, she pulled his towel off.
Both Hermione and Harry couldn’t believe what she had done,
Because apparently we're seeing the scene through both of their heads simultaneously. Though to be fair, it's entirely possible for both HE!Harry's and HE!Hermione's brains to fit in a normal person's with no loss of information and plenty of room to spare.
but as Harry went to cover himself with his hand, Caitlin said. “Dad, why are you trying to hide it? There were at least a hundred men and boys at the pool yesterday. You all have the same parts. It’s no big deal.”
Emily added. “Caitlin is correct. Jamie and I have seen nude men our entire lives. Although I must admit you do look better than most.”
How does she know what constitutes "better than most" in the context of men's tackle? Do I even want to know?
“Okay,” Jamie said after once again giving Emily the evil eye. “That’s out of the way. We’ve seen you. Try to believe me when I say that no one is going to pay you any more attention at this pool than they would at a textile pool, in all probability much less. Don’t wrap the towel around yourself just carry it in front. I reserved five lounges for us, although I doubt they’ll get used that much. Are we ready?”
Who's betting the author has just learned the word "textile"?
Harry actually seemed less nervous than Hermione whose nakedness was hidden by a charm that made it look to others as if she had a bathing costume on.
We know. There's no need to reiterate what the charm does.
Once they reach the chairs, Jamie said, “Hermione, unfortunately they won’t allow you in the pool because to them it looks like you have a bathing costume on.
... and again!
Harry was unenthusiastic about leaving Hermione, but once Caitlin and Emily started dragging him toward the pool and Jamie tugged away his towel, he had little choice. Once he hit water Harry seemed to relax and before long was happily cavorting with the girls.
I wish I didn't have the journalese sense of the word "cavorting" in my head right now. D:
Hermione watched with envy for a time and then started to settle herself down to read when a pleasant voice interrupted her. “Is that your husband? The girls seem to like him quite a bit.
“Yes, they’ve grown extremely close,” Hermione, answered as she turned in the direction of the voice.
The smiling face of a plump woman of about forty greeted her. “My name is Michelle, Michelle Wolfskill. My husband, Lloyd and I were friends of Jennifer and Carl. We always planned our vacations so that we were here together at the same time each year. I was extremely sorry to read of their untimely death. I wasn’t aware Jennifer had a younger sister?”
“She didn’t,” Hermione replied. “Oh! You thought I was Mrs. Zacherley’s sister. I wasn’t related to either of the Zacherleys.”
Michelle Wolfskill took a closer look at Hermione. “I thought for sure you and Jennifer were sisters. My god, you and Jamie look so much a like.”
“We hear that a lot,” Hermione answered.
Yes, we do. I think we get it by now. If Hermione's contrived chance resemblance to her favourite student who by contrived chance she ended up adopting served the plot in any way, I wouldn't mind so much. Compare this with Harry's resemblance to his parents, mentioned repeatedly throughout canon to the point where even he started to lose patience, which turned out to be vital.
“My name is Hermione Gran… Potter. Excuse me; I’m not quite accustomed to the new last name yet. Harry and I were just married in May.”
Michelle just looked at Hermione. She was extremely confused, but hesitant to be nosy.
And apparently now the POV character.
“Harry and I are both teachers at the private school that Jamie attends. Jamie is quite an exceptional student there and we both took an extreme liking to her. When Jamie parents died we learned she would have to leave the school for financial reasons and that her sister would most likely end up in an orphanage. Neither of us could sit by and let that come about and so we applied for their guardianship.”
Michele looked at Hermione with admiration. “That’s fantastic of the both of you. For you to give those girls a home and take on that responsibility, your hearts are definitely in the right place. Is the little blonde girl a friend of Emily’s that you brought with so she would have a companion to play with?
“No. That’s Caitlin, our daughter.”
Michelle almost fell off her chair when Hermione said Caitlin was her daughter.
You don't have to repeat the previous line when telling us how she reacted. Really.
“My adopted daughter,” Hermione added. “Caitlin was an orphan who was abused. I gave testimony at the trial and …” Hermione hesitated, at a loss for words. “We needed each other. I adopted her and then when we got married, Harry adopted her also.”
“You and your husband are certainly exceptional people.”
The author here is replacing actual witty or profound remarks from the protagonist with a bit character who is so easily impressed that she appears mildly psychotic.
Though How Not To Write a Novel (p.75) is talking about a character's reactions to the lead's supposedly stellar dialogue, the same thing can apply to any character who exists simply to admire another. Even when whatever's being talked about is self-evidently admirable, having someone gush like this looks as forced and artificial as, well, Hogwarts Exposed dialogue.
Hermione blushed, “Not really, it’s just that we’ve both lost our parents and wanted to help these girls.” Plooo0
That's not a typo, at least not on my part. For some reason the word "Plooo0" appears, just like this, in the original text:
It actually works as an onomatopoeia for my reaction to this exchange.
“Believe me, you’re special. Neither of you are naturists, are you?”
“No. Is it that obvious? Harry is giving it a go today, but I’m afraid I just don’t have the courage. I was brought up rather priggish.”
This chapter brought to you by the author's Word of the Day calendar.
“You’d like to be out in the pool cavorting with your family, wouldn’t you?”
Hermione glanced at Harry and the girls who seemed to be enjoying themselves immensely. “Certainly, but costumes aren’t allowed in the pool and I respect your rules.”
Michelle seemed to be looking for someone as her head turned from one direction to another. Suddenly she seemed to spot the person she was seeking.
Here the author seems (heh) to be going out of his way to avoid slipping from Hermione's POV, which is strange considering his normal approach.
“Excuse me for a few minutes, Hermione. There is someone with whom I must speak.”
I saw a review commenting on how the grammar in the dialogue is forced, but damn if I can find it now. I can see the point, because although this is grammatically correct it's nowhere near how most people actually talk.
After a few minutes she checked on Harry and the girls who were still splashing about, having the time of their lives. Then she happened to glance toward the other side of the pool where Michelle had headed. There seemed to now be a rather large gathering and much to her dismay, they seemed to be constantly looking in her direction, as if discussing her.
Hermione became extremely uneasy. Michelle had been so nice, that it seemed impossible that she would have complained about her being clothed, but why else would everyone be looking in her direction. She started to wonder if Jamie had been wrong about her being allowed to remain fully clad.
Jamie? Being wrong? LOL!
Hermione snuck another peek. Whatever the problem was; she was about to find out because Michele was headed back and a rather large man was accompanying her.
“Hermione, I’d like to introduce Claude Bardo.” Hermione knew she should be polite and shake Claude’s hand, but because of the charm she just nodded politely.
Apparently she's okay with being seen naked in her boss's office, but not at a nudist resort. Makes sense.
Claude is the Manager of L’ Hotel Eve,” Michelle said.
“Claude doesn’t speak English that well, so he’s asked me to speak for him. What he wishes me to tell you is that L’ Hotel Eve has certain rules that were established mainly to ensure that the hotel remained exclusively a nudist resort. Those rules were never meant to separate a family or to punish good people.
”The Zacherleys were well known and liked by many people in this area. Although we would certainly like you to eliminate your clothes and become one of us, the hotel doesn’t want to castigate someone who has reached out such a warm helping hand to the children of a couple we loved.
Michelle held out her hand to Claude who handed her a bracelet with a green tag attached to it. “Please accept this and wear it during your visit. It gives you nudist privileges even if clothed.”
The normal rules don't apply to Sues, of course. Anyway, we get another scene cut with nothing to establish the next scene, and:
The girls had just reached the board when a voice called out to them. “Well, well, look who is here, Barbie and Skipper. Who is your new friend? Wait don’t tell me, I know. It’s Midge.”
Really?
All three girls turned, but Jamie and Emily regrettably knew who was talking without even looking. “Hello, Rosalind,” Jamie said as she grudgingly turned to talk to the burly, black haired girl. “Imagine running into you again this year.”
Leaving aside the fact that the narration has Jamie turning to face Rosalind twice (a double-take?) we're never shown any real reason for this animosity. It's implied that she's just envious of Jamie's sparkly Sueness, as painfully clichéd as that is.
“Just like you, Barbie,” Roz needled. “I imagine you chickened out when you saw that it would take more than big tits and a shaved pussy to win this year.
I think the Strawman (girl?) Has a Point there.
It figures that you would be a pansy ass when it comes to physical fitness.”
Rosalind's insults are brought to you by the 1990s.
“Jamie, please enter the contest and shut this braggart up,” Caitlin pleaded.
And Caitlin's by the 1890s.
“Do it Jamie. You can beat her. Please!” Emily begged.
“Zacherley, you’re a gutless wonder. You’re a loser, your sister is a loser and your little friend here is a loser.”
Jamie looked nauseatingly at Roz.
Jamie is quite nauseating, isn't she?
The door had barely closed when Emily said, “My sister will flog your big butt.”
I'm sorry, I couldn't resist. >.>
“I’m eleven. Where do you think I’m going to get that kind of money?” Emily asked, greatly perturbed.
I don't know, from your richer-than-Croesus adopted family? That aside, €20 really isn't an awful lot of money to a middle-class ten/eleven-year-old these days.
Roz’s face burst into an evil grin. “Since I’m such a kind person, I’ll take it in trade. If your sister places higher than me, I’ll give you the money. If I place higher, you’ll be my bitch for a day.”
Emily had a questioning look on her face, but agreed. She totally ignored Caitlin who was frantically shaking her head no.
Apparently Caitlin knows what this means but Emily, despite being supposedly the more worldly of the two younger girls, doesn't. That's why she's (sigh) shaking her head no. As opposed to shaking it yes, clearly.
Continued...
While the girls went swimming, Harry and Hermione decided to enjoy a little water activity of their own. Although they had two showers available, they opted to use only one. One thing lead to another and by the time they stepped out of the water, they had both started to wrinkle.
I'm very much in favour of showing rather than telling when it comes to sex. We don't need to know exactly how tab A gets inserted into slot B because anyone who's old enough to read about that already knows exactly how it works. We no longer have to rely on books to tell us what goes where. However, this kind of coy bullshit is exactly what gives the whole idea of implied offscreen sex a bad name.
“Hermione, come out here and observe the girls,” Harry said invitingly.
He said his invitation invitingly. That's good to know. Allow me to express my frustration frustratedly.
“Harry, how can they do it?” Hermione inquired.
“Are you referring to the girls?” Harry inquired.
This would have looked repetitive even if the author had stuck to good old "said" or "asked", let alone as it is.
“No, not the girls so much as some of those other people. I expected everyone here to be young and built flawlessly, but they’re not. Some of them are fairly elderly and out of shape. How can they possibly be at ease with everyone seeing them naked?”
“Jamie keeps telling us that naturism has naught to do with bodily form. I imagine I must agree,” Harry said. “If all it took was a faultless body, then there’d be no rationale for you to be hiding up here.”
What is with the dialogue in this fic series? No, really? How does this pass as authentic human speech, not only to the author and his betas but goodness knows how many of his readers? I mean, have they never had a conversation in their lives or just never paid proper attention to one? Or, hell, even read the Harry Potter books or seen the films? I honestly do not get it.
Hermione blushed as she gave Harry a hug and then kissed him passionately. “Mr. Potter, you are very good for a girl’s ego.
HE!Hermione has an ego?
I desperately want to make the mirror’s reflection become factual, but I could never get up the nerve to go down there naked. Could you?”
“I’m not sure, but I intend to give it a go tomorrow,” Harry said without shilly-shallying.
I think we can infer that he said it without shilly-shallying from the fact that there was no shilly-shallying in the narration. The only times we need to be told something didn't happen is when the author has set up a reasonable possibility that it might.
Hermione was totally perturbed with herself. She wanted so badly to just pull her towel off and run down to the pool with the girls, but she knew she couldn’t do it. She despised her priggish side.
prig n. a person who behaves as if they are morally superior to other people. priggish adj. (Paperback Oxford English Dictionary 2006)
Or, to put it another way, the entire cast of Hogwarts Exposed.
“I was thinking about that. Wouldn’t you fit in better if perchance there were a little less to your bathing costume? Even on the textile beaches of the Riviera, many of the women go topless. I’m not suggesting you do that, but maybe if you wore a bikini.”
The context doesn't offer much of a clue, but this term "textile" is basically the naturist equivalent of "Muggle". I first encountered it on a Radio 4 Archive Hour segment on naturism a few years ago. It's not the slur that the girls in general and Emily in particular later use it as. I'm at a loss as to why Harry, who isn't (yet) a naturist himself and hasn't actually been taught it by anyone as far as I've seen, is using it in this scene.
For that matter, you don't have to go to the French Riviera to see topless women on beaches. The author's version of the UK seems to be constructed of one part cliché to one part projection backed by no actual research, or he'd know that we have topless people of both sexes on beaches here (weather permitting!) and there's little to no controversy about it. It might have been different in 2004, but I doubt it.
Hermione just looked up at the sky and shook her head. “I never thought the day would arrive that I would deem a one piece swimming costume as over dressed, but as I look at these people I tend to be in agreement with you. My current costume will draw a lot of gratuitous attention here because I’m too covered; yet I lack the self-confidence to go nude. What do you advocate, Harry?”
“I’m not at all sure you’ll like my proposal, but I feel we should see if we can find you a new suit tonight.” Harry took a deep breath and then finished. “One that’s so tiny that it hardly covers what in general needs to be covered.”
One of the many, many reasons you'll never see me do a dramatic reading of Hogwarts Exposed (beyond the fact that it'd take until the heat death of the universe to put together) is that I'd end up doing myself permanent harm putting on ultra-RP voices for all the cast.
Hermione turned and walked back into the room where she threw herself on the bed and buried her head in the pillow.
I know how she feels.
“Are you ready to head out for the night?” Harry asked Hermione.
“All ready. How do I look? She asked.
"Same as you always look. Like you've just stepped out of the author's wank bank."
“You’re a vision,” Harry responded. “You should wear muggle dresses more frequently.”
Hermione was wearing a shape pleasing summer dress that exposed more of her lovely legs than normal with robes.
Because robes are TEH EV0LZ! LoPEF, is that you?
The girls entered the room each wearing new sandals and nothing more.
“Won’t you girls be chilly when the sun goes down?” Harry inquired.
“We’re tough,” Emily replied.
This exchange is crying out for a call-back to Hogwarts Exposed Chapter 23, but the author's short-term memory probably doesn't extend that far back.
Hermione looked questioningly at Jamie. “Now you are absolutely sure that you girls can be like that?”
"No, you're actually not allowed to be naked in a naturist resort!"
“There are a number of great restaurants with a wide variety of good food. We can find anything from French to TexMex to Indian to American and lots and lots of Pizza.” Jamie looked at Emily. “Which restaurant did you like best?”
“I think for the first night we should go to ’Le Mississippi’. Their menu is varied with selections in all nationalities. I’m sure everyone will find something they like.”
Okay, does this sound like the kind of opinion any ten-year-old in the history of ever has given in response to being asked where they want to go for tea? Anyway, we skip over their evening to the following morning, where Harry and Hermione wake up on the Featureless Plane of Disembodied Dialogue.
“Good morning sleepyhead,” Harry said as he gently kissed Hermione on the cheek. “Are you ready to get dressed and go out for breakfast or would you prefer to sleep in and have us bring you back something?”
“What time is it Harry?" Hermione asked in a startled manner. It was rare for Hermione to sleep past her normal wakeup time.
We're not sure which of them is meant to be reflecting on this fact, so I'm left with an air of vague confusion.
“Is it too late for us to go for a run before breakfast?”
“It’s only seven. We still have plenty of time to take a run on the beach before breakfast. Would you like me to inform the girls that we’re going to do that?” Harry questioned.
“Would you, please? And Harry, do you care if I use the charm instead of wearing my running outfit?” Hermione asked bashfully.
She's asking the guy who married her because he thinks she's got nice tits whether he minds if she runs around naked. That's kind of like asking whether water is wet.
“That’s a good idea. I might try that. At least I should have no worry of anyone saying ‘Finite Incantatum’ here.”
Or even in the wizarding world, considering that it's Finite Incantatem.
Hermione laughed and then looked at Harry thoughtfully. “Are you still intending to give it a try today?”
“Yes,” Harry said in a firm tone. “I only hope I don’t experience an erection. I’d die of embarrassment.”
Nudity is nonsexual, which is why his mind immediately went to boners.
“Only if I don’t hex you first for having sexual thoughts about another woman,” Hermione said in a teasing way.
Yes, go ahead and do magic in the middle of a crowded Muggle resort. That's not going to get you into trouble at all.
Hermione smiled. “No, we’re not departing; Harry is considering giving naturism a try today.”
Jamie looked at Harry elatedly. “That’s brilliant. Emily and Caitlin will be pleased. I know they want to attack you in the pool. Harry, it’s not difficult at all. I’ll help you. Hermione, how about you? Will you be making an effort, also?”
Hermione just shook her head despondently. “There is a part of me that wants to a great deal, but the prudish part is much stronger. I just can’t do it. Harry did convince me to use the charm instead of wearing a bathing costume, however.”
HE!Hermione is already a pale shadow of her canon self, so utterly subservient to "her man" that she might as well live on Gor, and presenting one of her few signs of independence as a terrible thing that even she hates does not help.
Suddenly the blaring voices of Emily and Caitlin were heard shouting, “Are we going to breakfast or are we running first?”
Were heard shouting by whom, exactly? This is one of the worst misuses of the passive voice I've ever seen.
“We’re running,” Hermione called back. “Get on your sneakers and socks.”
Ever since zenithewonder pointed it out in the comments, I can't help noticing this bizarre fixation with socks and trainers (note: never "sneakers" in UK usage - Firefox's EN-GB spell-checker doesn't even recognise it!) the author seems to have. It's like the Coupling Sock Gap in reverse.
“Harry, I know Jamie warned us to get every place with suntan lotion, but if you continue to rub me there, I’m going to drag you into bed rather than go to the pool,” Hermione said laughingly.
Welcome back to the Featureless Plane of Disembodied Dialogue, where for reasons known only to the author we're having to infer what's going on from what the characters are saying, with absolutely no other cues. Which might be just as well in this case.
“Turn about is fair play. Here I am afraid of becoming excited and where do you decide to rub suntan lotion first?” Harry countered.
“I just wanted to insure that a sunburn didn’t incapacitate you for the balance of the vacation.”
MISUSED BALANCE COUNT: 21
Yes, I'm doing this now. I should have started a long time ago. I counted twenty in Hogwarts Exposed, which was far more times than the word "balance" was used properly.
“No! Don’t get dressed. Just cover yourself with a towel,” Jamie instructed.
Harry looked at Hermione for guidance. “She’s been doing this for sixteen years. It’s best that you consent to let her steer you today.”
You do need some dialogue tags, you know. Also, Jamie apparently turned sixteen without anyone acknowledging it in any way.
When the girls entered the room Hermione appeared to be in her one piece bathing costume and Harry was standing fretfully next to her wearing only a towel and a smile.
How was he fretful if he was smiling? I admit he could be trying and failing to put a brave face on it, but as written the sentence contradicts itself.
Harry looked at Jamie, extremely reluctant to answer until encouraged by Hermione. “My two biggest concerns are that I might have a reaction and I’m apprehensive about doing this in front of you girls.”
And the way this is phrased makes it look as though he's afraid of getting a reaction to the underage girls. D:
Jamie nodded her head. “We were discussing that in the other room. In that case we should do away with one of those concerns before we ever reach the pool area.” Jamie reached toward Harry and before he realized what was happening, she pulled his towel off.
Both Hermione and Harry couldn’t believe what she had done,
Because apparently we're seeing the scene through both of their heads simultaneously. Though to be fair, it's entirely possible for both HE!Harry's and HE!Hermione's brains to fit in a normal person's with no loss of information and plenty of room to spare.
but as Harry went to cover himself with his hand, Caitlin said. “Dad, why are you trying to hide it? There were at least a hundred men and boys at the pool yesterday. You all have the same parts. It’s no big deal.”
Emily added. “Caitlin is correct. Jamie and I have seen nude men our entire lives. Although I must admit you do look better than most.”
How does she know what constitutes "better than most" in the context of men's tackle? Do I even want to know?
“Okay,” Jamie said after once again giving Emily the evil eye. “That’s out of the way. We’ve seen you. Try to believe me when I say that no one is going to pay you any more attention at this pool than they would at a textile pool, in all probability much less. Don’t wrap the towel around yourself just carry it in front. I reserved five lounges for us, although I doubt they’ll get used that much. Are we ready?”
Who's betting the author has just learned the word "textile"?
Harry actually seemed less nervous than Hermione whose nakedness was hidden by a charm that made it look to others as if she had a bathing costume on.
We know. There's no need to reiterate what the charm does.
Once they reach the chairs, Jamie said, “Hermione, unfortunately they won’t allow you in the pool because to them it looks like you have a bathing costume on.
... and again!
Harry was unenthusiastic about leaving Hermione, but once Caitlin and Emily started dragging him toward the pool and Jamie tugged away his towel, he had little choice. Once he hit water Harry seemed to relax and before long was happily cavorting with the girls.
I wish I didn't have the journalese sense of the word "cavorting" in my head right now. D:
Hermione watched with envy for a time and then started to settle herself down to read when a pleasant voice interrupted her. “Is that your husband? The girls seem to like him quite a bit.
“Yes, they’ve grown extremely close,” Hermione, answered as she turned in the direction of the voice.
The smiling face of a plump woman of about forty greeted her. “My name is Michelle, Michelle Wolfskill. My husband, Lloyd and I were friends of Jennifer and Carl. We always planned our vacations so that we were here together at the same time each year. I was extremely sorry to read of their untimely death. I wasn’t aware Jennifer had a younger sister?”
“She didn’t,” Hermione replied. “Oh! You thought I was Mrs. Zacherley’s sister. I wasn’t related to either of the Zacherleys.”
Michelle Wolfskill took a closer look at Hermione. “I thought for sure you and Jennifer were sisters. My god, you and Jamie look so much a like.”
“We hear that a lot,” Hermione answered.
Yes, we do. I think we get it by now. If Hermione's contrived chance resemblance to her favourite student who by contrived chance she ended up adopting served the plot in any way, I wouldn't mind so much. Compare this with Harry's resemblance to his parents, mentioned repeatedly throughout canon to the point where even he started to lose patience, which turned out to be vital.
“My name is Hermione Gran… Potter. Excuse me; I’m not quite accustomed to the new last name yet. Harry and I were just married in May.”
Michelle just looked at Hermione. She was extremely confused, but hesitant to be nosy.
And apparently now the POV character.
“Harry and I are both teachers at the private school that Jamie attends. Jamie is quite an exceptional student there and we both took an extreme liking to her. When Jamie parents died we learned she would have to leave the school for financial reasons and that her sister would most likely end up in an orphanage. Neither of us could sit by and let that come about and so we applied for their guardianship.”
Michele looked at Hermione with admiration. “That’s fantastic of the both of you. For you to give those girls a home and take on that responsibility, your hearts are definitely in the right place. Is the little blonde girl a friend of Emily’s that you brought with so she would have a companion to play with?
“No. That’s Caitlin, our daughter.”
Michelle almost fell off her chair when Hermione said Caitlin was her daughter.
You don't have to repeat the previous line when telling us how she reacted. Really.
“My adopted daughter,” Hermione added. “Caitlin was an orphan who was abused. I gave testimony at the trial and …” Hermione hesitated, at a loss for words. “We needed each other. I adopted her and then when we got married, Harry adopted her also.”
“You and your husband are certainly exceptional people.”
The author here is replacing actual witty or profound remarks from the protagonist with a bit character who is so easily impressed that she appears mildly psychotic.
Though How Not To Write a Novel (p.75) is talking about a character's reactions to the lead's supposedly stellar dialogue, the same thing can apply to any character who exists simply to admire another. Even when whatever's being talked about is self-evidently admirable, having someone gush like this looks as forced and artificial as, well, Hogwarts Exposed dialogue.
Hermione blushed, “Not really, it’s just that we’ve both lost our parents and wanted to help these girls.” Plooo0
That's not a typo, at least not on my part. For some reason the word "Plooo0" appears, just like this, in the original text:
It actually works as an onomatopoeia for my reaction to this exchange.
“Believe me, you’re special. Neither of you are naturists, are you?”
“No. Is it that obvious? Harry is giving it a go today, but I’m afraid I just don’t have the courage. I was brought up rather priggish.”
This chapter brought to you by the author's Word of the Day calendar.
“You’d like to be out in the pool cavorting with your family, wouldn’t you?”
Hermione glanced at Harry and the girls who seemed to be enjoying themselves immensely. “Certainly, but costumes aren’t allowed in the pool and I respect your rules.”
Michelle seemed to be looking for someone as her head turned from one direction to another. Suddenly she seemed to spot the person she was seeking.
Here the author seems (heh) to be going out of his way to avoid slipping from Hermione's POV, which is strange considering his normal approach.
“Excuse me for a few minutes, Hermione. There is someone with whom I must speak.”
I saw a review commenting on how the grammar in the dialogue is forced, but damn if I can find it now. I can see the point, because although this is grammatically correct it's nowhere near how most people actually talk.
After a few minutes she checked on Harry and the girls who were still splashing about, having the time of their lives. Then she happened to glance toward the other side of the pool where Michelle had headed. There seemed to now be a rather large gathering and much to her dismay, they seemed to be constantly looking in her direction, as if discussing her.
Hermione became extremely uneasy. Michelle had been so nice, that it seemed impossible that she would have complained about her being clothed, but why else would everyone be looking in her direction. She started to wonder if Jamie had been wrong about her being allowed to remain fully clad.
Jamie? Being wrong? LOL!
Hermione snuck another peek. Whatever the problem was; she was about to find out because Michele was headed back and a rather large man was accompanying her.
“Hermione, I’d like to introduce Claude Bardo.” Hermione knew she should be polite and shake Claude’s hand, but because of the charm she just nodded politely.
Apparently she's okay with being seen naked in her boss's office, but not at a nudist resort. Makes sense.
Claude is the Manager of L’ Hotel Eve,” Michelle said.
“Claude doesn’t speak English that well, so he’s asked me to speak for him. What he wishes me to tell you is that L’ Hotel Eve has certain rules that were established mainly to ensure that the hotel remained exclusively a nudist resort. Those rules were never meant to separate a family or to punish good people.
”The Zacherleys were well known and liked by many people in this area. Although we would certainly like you to eliminate your clothes and become one of us, the hotel doesn’t want to castigate someone who has reached out such a warm helping hand to the children of a couple we loved.
Michelle held out her hand to Claude who handed her a bracelet with a green tag attached to it. “Please accept this and wear it during your visit. It gives you nudist privileges even if clothed.”
The normal rules don't apply to Sues, of course. Anyway, we get another scene cut with nothing to establish the next scene, and:
The girls had just reached the board when a voice called out to them. “Well, well, look who is here, Barbie and Skipper. Who is your new friend? Wait don’t tell me, I know. It’s Midge.”
Really?
All three girls turned, but Jamie and Emily regrettably knew who was talking without even looking. “Hello, Rosalind,” Jamie said as she grudgingly turned to talk to the burly, black haired girl. “Imagine running into you again this year.”
Leaving aside the fact that the narration has Jamie turning to face Rosalind twice (a double-take?) we're never shown any real reason for this animosity. It's implied that she's just envious of Jamie's sparkly Sueness, as painfully clichéd as that is.
“Just like you, Barbie,” Roz needled. “I imagine you chickened out when you saw that it would take more than big tits and a shaved pussy to win this year.
I think the Strawman (girl?) Has a Point there.
It figures that you would be a pansy ass when it comes to physical fitness.”
Rosalind's insults are brought to you by the 1990s.
“Jamie, please enter the contest and shut this braggart up,” Caitlin pleaded.
And Caitlin's by the 1890s.
“Do it Jamie. You can beat her. Please!” Emily begged.
“Zacherley, you’re a gutless wonder. You’re a loser, your sister is a loser and your little friend here is a loser.”
Jamie looked nauseatingly at Roz.
Jamie is quite nauseating, isn't she?
The door had barely closed when Emily said, “My sister will flog your big butt.”
Click to viewI'm sorry, I couldn't resist. >.>
“I’m eleven. Where do you think I’m going to get that kind of money?” Emily asked, greatly perturbed.
I don't know, from your richer-than-Croesus adopted family? That aside, €20 really isn't an awful lot of money to a middle-class ten/eleven-year-old these days.
Roz’s face burst into an evil grin. “Since I’m such a kind person, I’ll take it in trade. If your sister places higher than me, I’ll give you the money. If I place higher, you’ll be my bitch for a day.”
Emily had a questioning look on her face, but agreed. She totally ignored Caitlin who was frantically shaking her head no.
Apparently Caitlin knows what this means but Emily, despite being supposedly the more worldly of the two younger girls, doesn't. That's why she's (sigh) shaking her head no. As opposed to shaking it yes, clearly.
Continued...