Hogwarts Exposed Chapter 21 part 2
And for those of you who are still conscious, here goes:
Jamie was pale and nervous, her face almost pleading to be helped out of this pit of despair that surrounded her.
Emily’s face oozed hatred and anger. The phrase ‘if looks could kill’ aptly applied. Both girls had changed clothing after the funeral and now wore skirts and blouses.
I'm surprised they didn't actually go naked for the funeral. It's what their parents would have wanted.
They had left their coats in the other compartment. Hermione was quite distressed when she observed the sheerness of Emily’s shirt.
You can just feel her distress, as masterfully portrayed as it is.
Jamie demurely took a seat next to the sliding door across from Hermione and Harry as Emily flopped herself next to the window and then turned, leaning her back against the window wall and lifting her feet to the seat. As she did so, she actually pulled her dress up so that her private area was not only exposed to Harry and Hermione, but to anyone that would walk by the compartment and look in the window.
Continuity alert: they were the only people on the train before. Apparently the Hogwarts Express runs special services during term time.
Hermione was outraged at this behavior
szaleniec1000 was annoyed at yet again being told about a character's feelings rather than shown them.
and started to get out of her seat, but Harry put his arm against her waist and stopped her.
Why does Hermione put up with this shit when canon!Hermione would slap his hand away at the very least for being such a sexist, patronising wanker?
Harry calmly rose from his seat and went to the compartment door. He performed a locking charm on the door and then closed the curtains. “I knew you were a nudist, but I didn’t realize you were an exhibitionist.
In this fic, what's the difference? It's particularly damning that I'm forced to ask that question considering that establishing that nudists aren't necessarily exhibitionists is a major point the author seems to be trying to make.
I locked the door and covered the window.
Yes, we know.
If you would feel more comfortable without your clothes, feel free to take them off, but either way you will sit like a young lady and not like a tramp.
A Disney reference here would be far too obvious. I must point out, of course, that in EN-GB he's actually calling her a vagrant.
Jamie shyly shook her head no
It's a good thing that the author is on hand to remind us what message she intends to convey by shaking her head because otherwise such esoterica would have been lost on us readers, idiots that we are.
as she glared at her sister. “I appreciate when someone is trying to help me out of a desperate situation. Unlike some people who seem to be doing everything they can to embarrass my friends and myself. I’m a nudist, not a little slut.”
I'm thinking this is OOC for Jamie, such that she has a character, in that she seems to have been built up to be Little Miss Perfect and always nice and proper all the time. Not the kind of person who'd go around calling her ten-year-old sister a slut.
“Now that everyone is settled and comfortable,” Harry glared at Emily.
Harry said, glaring at Emily.
“ I’d like to explain what we propose to do. Jamie.” Harry looked at the young girl with love and kindness.
If you want to convince us that she's mature and as good as an adult, don't describe her as "the young girl". Especially when she's not the only young girl in the scene nor even the youngest.
Emily just stared at the ceiling refusing to make eye contact with either Harry or Hermione.
And especially as we're still in Emily's POV, apparently, and it makes absolutely no sense for anyone to be thinking of their older sister as "the young girl".
“Jamie,” Hermione began. “Harry spent the afternoon talking to the Headmaster and to a friend we have at legal services in the Ministry. You are fifteen and if you wish you can leave Hogwarts and seek employment. Should you be able to obtain a position paying sufficiently, you could even have guardianship of your sister.”
The (thankfully few) defenders of this fic like to point to its length as evidence that it's good. I see us getting the same exposition over and over and think how much shorter it could have been.
Emily looked at Jamie as if begging her to take that option.
"As if"? We're either in her POV or have free access to it; we should know for sure whether she's begging her.
Hermione continued. “However, Harry lived in the Muggle world for five years after completing Hogwarts and had an extremely hard time securing employment. I doubt you would do better.”
Harry leaned over with his elbows on his knees and stared at Jamie sympathetically. “In order to obtain good employment in the Muggle world you must attend what they refer to as University. Without the proper education, you end up doing menial work that pays minimum wages. I barely survived from week to week. I wouldn’t want to see you living in some of the places I had to or doing some of the cruddy jobs I had to take.”
It's still possible to get a decent job without going to uni and it was more so in 2003. The real problem would be not having GCSEs.
Hermione got to her feet and put her arm around Harry. “This is what we propose to do. Jamie, you’re parents have paid the balance of this years tuition.
This is actually a legitimate use of "balance", but not a legitimate use of "you are". I've already explained why Hogwarts blatantly doesn't have tuition fees, but whatever.
We want you to finish the year. There is a scholarship available for the next two years that we feel you stand a good chance of obtaining. You must achieve thirteen Q.W.L.s to be eligible.”
They've been Q.W.L.s more times than they've actually been O.W.L.s. I wonder what'd happen if he ever felt the need to write the name out in full.
Jamie lips moved, but no words came out as she said thirteen. Her expression showed that she felt that was far from a certainty.
Hermione tried to reassure her. “I know you can do it.
Of course she can. She's a Sue, after all.
We have backup plans, but I ‘m sure they won’t be necessary.”
Harry looked at Hermione skeptically as if to say ‘What back up plans?’
If he's looking at her as if to say "what backup plans?", the scepticism is implicit and doesn't have to be pointed out separately. Unless, of course, you're trying to pad your word count because you think that something with 700,000 words is automatically good.
“You will stay with us during vacation.” Hermione continued. “Emily.” The girl refused to look at Hermione. “We intend to ask the court to give us guardianship over you. You will live with us and attend school in Hogsmeade for the balance of this year. Next September you will attend Hogwarts. After Jamie finishes school, a decision will be made as to whether we remain your guardians or Jamie accepts that responsibility.”
So who makes that decision? The passive voice leaves it ambiguous.
Jamie just sat, her mind going in circles. She knew Emily would hate her, but what Harry and Hermione proposed seemed like the best course of action. Out of the blue, she remembered her last conversation with her dad before returning to school.
Welcome to Jamie's POV. We hope you enjoy your stay. All five seconds of it.
“I’ve always recognized you and your sister were extraordinary, but I’ve always chalked some of that up to parental prejudice. For Professor Granger to take such individual interest in you, she must have seen it, too. Harry Potter and Hermione Granger are undoubtedly the greatest wizard and witch alive. Listen to what they say and trust them. They can be a strong positive influence on your life. You are extremely fortunate to not only have them as Professors, but also as friends.”
Of course, we've not seen much evidence of their greatness. Especially not Hermione.
Jamie went to comfort her sister, but Emily pushed her out-of-the-way. “I love my parents. I haven’t forgotten them already like you have. You may regard these people as gods, but to me they’re meddlesome strangers with whom I’m being forced to live.”
Ladies and gentlemen, the perfectly authentic voice of a ten-year-old.
Continued...
Jamie was pale and nervous, her face almost pleading to be helped out of this pit of despair that surrounded her.
Click to viewEmily’s face oozed hatred and anger. The phrase ‘if looks could kill’ aptly applied. Both girls had changed clothing after the funeral and now wore skirts and blouses.
I'm surprised they didn't actually go naked for the funeral. It's what their parents would have wanted.
They had left their coats in the other compartment. Hermione was quite distressed when she observed the sheerness of Emily’s shirt.
You can just feel her distress, as masterfully portrayed as it is.
Jamie demurely took a seat next to the sliding door across from Hermione and Harry as Emily flopped herself next to the window and then turned, leaning her back against the window wall and lifting her feet to the seat. As she did so, she actually pulled her dress up so that her private area was not only exposed to Harry and Hermione, but to anyone that would walk by the compartment and look in the window.
Continuity alert: they were the only people on the train before. Apparently the Hogwarts Express runs special services during term time.
Hermione was outraged at this behavior
szaleniec1000 was annoyed at yet again being told about a character's feelings rather than shown them.
and started to get out of her seat, but Harry put his arm against her waist and stopped her.
Why does Hermione put up with this shit when canon!Hermione would slap his hand away at the very least for being such a sexist, patronising wanker?
Harry calmly rose from his seat and went to the compartment door. He performed a locking charm on the door and then closed the curtains. “I knew you were a nudist, but I didn’t realize you were an exhibitionist.
In this fic, what's the difference? It's particularly damning that I'm forced to ask that question considering that establishing that nudists aren't necessarily exhibitionists is a major point the author seems to be trying to make.
I locked the door and covered the window.
Yes, we know.
If you would feel more comfortable without your clothes, feel free to take them off, but either way you will sit like a young lady and not like a tramp.
A Disney reference here would be far too obvious. I must point out, of course, that in EN-GB he's actually calling her a vagrant.
Jamie shyly shook her head no
It's a good thing that the author is on hand to remind us what message she intends to convey by shaking her head because otherwise such esoterica would have been lost on us readers, idiots that we are.
as she glared at her sister. “I appreciate when someone is trying to help me out of a desperate situation. Unlike some people who seem to be doing everything they can to embarrass my friends and myself. I’m a nudist, not a little slut.”
I'm thinking this is OOC for Jamie, such that she has a character, in that she seems to have been built up to be Little Miss Perfect and always nice and proper all the time. Not the kind of person who'd go around calling her ten-year-old sister a slut.
“Now that everyone is settled and comfortable,” Harry glared at Emily.
Harry said, glaring at Emily.
“ I’d like to explain what we propose to do. Jamie.” Harry looked at the young girl with love and kindness.
If you want to convince us that she's mature and as good as an adult, don't describe her as "the young girl". Especially when she's not the only young girl in the scene nor even the youngest.
Emily just stared at the ceiling refusing to make eye contact with either Harry or Hermione.
And especially as we're still in Emily's POV, apparently, and it makes absolutely no sense for anyone to be thinking of their older sister as "the young girl".
“Jamie,” Hermione began. “Harry spent the afternoon talking to the Headmaster and to a friend we have at legal services in the Ministry. You are fifteen and if you wish you can leave Hogwarts and seek employment. Should you be able to obtain a position paying sufficiently, you could even have guardianship of your sister.”
The (thankfully few) defenders of this fic like to point to its length as evidence that it's good. I see us getting the same exposition over and over and think how much shorter it could have been.
Emily looked at Jamie as if begging her to take that option.
"As if"? We're either in her POV or have free access to it; we should know for sure whether she's begging her.
Hermione continued. “However, Harry lived in the Muggle world for five years after completing Hogwarts and had an extremely hard time securing employment. I doubt you would do better.”
Harry leaned over with his elbows on his knees and stared at Jamie sympathetically. “In order to obtain good employment in the Muggle world you must attend what they refer to as University. Without the proper education, you end up doing menial work that pays minimum wages. I barely survived from week to week. I wouldn’t want to see you living in some of the places I had to or doing some of the cruddy jobs I had to take.”
It's still possible to get a decent job without going to uni and it was more so in 2003. The real problem would be not having GCSEs.
Hermione got to her feet and put her arm around Harry. “This is what we propose to do. Jamie, you’re parents have paid the balance of this years tuition.
This is actually a legitimate use of "balance", but not a legitimate use of "you are". I've already explained why Hogwarts blatantly doesn't have tuition fees, but whatever.
We want you to finish the year. There is a scholarship available for the next two years that we feel you stand a good chance of obtaining. You must achieve thirteen Q.W.L.s to be eligible.”
They've been Q.W.L.s more times than they've actually been O.W.L.s. I wonder what'd happen if he ever felt the need to write the name out in full.
Jamie lips moved, but no words came out as she said thirteen. Her expression showed that she felt that was far from a certainty.
Hermione tried to reassure her. “I know you can do it.
Of course she can. She's a Sue, after all.
We have backup plans, but I ‘m sure they won’t be necessary.”
Harry looked at Hermione skeptically as if to say ‘What back up plans?’
If he's looking at her as if to say "what backup plans?", the scepticism is implicit and doesn't have to be pointed out separately. Unless, of course, you're trying to pad your word count because you think that something with 700,000 words is automatically good.
“You will stay with us during vacation.” Hermione continued. “Emily.” The girl refused to look at Hermione. “We intend to ask the court to give us guardianship over you. You will live with us and attend school in Hogsmeade for the balance of this year. Next September you will attend Hogwarts. After Jamie finishes school, a decision will be made as to whether we remain your guardians or Jamie accepts that responsibility.”
So who makes that decision? The passive voice leaves it ambiguous.
Jamie just sat, her mind going in circles. She knew Emily would hate her, but what Harry and Hermione proposed seemed like the best course of action. Out of the blue, she remembered her last conversation with her dad before returning to school.
Welcome to Jamie's POV. We hope you enjoy your stay. All five seconds of it.
“I’ve always recognized you and your sister were extraordinary, but I’ve always chalked some of that up to parental prejudice. For Professor Granger to take such individual interest in you, she must have seen it, too. Harry Potter and Hermione Granger are undoubtedly the greatest wizard and witch alive. Listen to what they say and trust them. They can be a strong positive influence on your life. You are extremely fortunate to not only have them as Professors, but also as friends.”
Of course, we've not seen much evidence of their greatness. Especially not Hermione.
Jamie went to comfort her sister, but Emily pushed her out-of-the-way. “I love my parents. I haven’t forgotten them already like you have. You may regard these people as gods, but to me they’re meddlesome strangers with whom I’m being forced to live.”
Ladies and gentlemen, the perfectly authentic voice of a ten-year-old.
Continued...