Hogwarts Exposed Chapter 13 part 2
Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the nakedest of them all?
“I’ll think about it,” Caitlin tentatively replied.
Replying with "I'll think about it" is by its nature tentative, so the adverb is redundant.
“No you won’t. We are going to see your mum right know. Get your robes. You’re not going to fret about this another night.”
Caitlin gave Jamie a sheepish smile. “Who died and made you boss?”
“The bossiness comes with being a prefect. Now are we going to go see your Mum or do you want to lose Gryffindor 20 points.”
“We’re going boss lady,” Caitlin reluctantly agreed.
This doesn't look anywhere near as good-natured an exchange as the author clearly intended, because to me it gives the impression of Little Miss Perfect bullying her younger sister figure into something she's not ready for. She reminds me a bit of Edward Cullen, in that we're meant to forgive the bad things she does on the basis that it all works out in the end (for a given value of "all works out") but if we don't buy into that we're left thinking she's awful. And speaking of Edward:
“It was Caitlin. She was here and I think it would be best if I left and let her tell you what she saw and what has been troubling her since.”
Hermione face glowed brighter than Rudolph’s nose as Jamie turned and left.
Hermione is a Meyerpire.
Caitlin hastily told Hermione how she had run up to the quarters for her journal. “At first I thought you were asleep and I was just going to depart, but then I heard your voice and I looked in your bedroom. You were lying on Professor Potter and then you got on your hands and knees and started kissing him all over until you got to his penis and then, well you know what you did. I left because I knew watching was wrong and what you were doing was private.”
So said the eleven-year-old. I honestly don't understand how anyone can find the dialogue and characterisation in this fic to be even passable, let alone good.
Hermione felt extremely guilty and mortified. “It’s my fault that you saw that. I should have closed the bedroom door and put on a locking charm. I’m sorry you were discomfited.”
“Mum, I hope this doesn’t make you think poorly of me, but I wasn’t embarrassed. I’m glad I saw you together like that. I got to see that something I thought was dirty really isn’t when you love someone. Does he do things like that to you down there, too?”
Hermione nodded her head as she continued to blush deeply. “Harry is a very special lover. He never thinks of his own pleasure, just of mine. I hope when your time comes that you have some one as special as him.”
Yes, talk to your eleven-year-old adopted daughter about what you get up to with Harry.
“Do you want to marry him?”
“If he ever asks me, I’ll say yes, but I’m not sure if Harry is ready for marriage and a family.”
Of course it doesn't occur to her to ask him, however much of a model of liberation she claims to be.
“Especially not an already made family with an eleven-year-old daughter. He loves you, but he doesn’t want to be stuck with me. I’ve ruined your chances of happiness. Haven’t I?” Caitlin burst into tears as Hermione threw her arms around the young girl.
Either there's no conflict at all in the fic, or it's totally overblown to the extent that this kind of scene no longer has any real impact because we've seen it too many times.
“Caitlin, the day I adopted you was one of the happiest days in my life. Not once have I regretted it. You underestimate Harry Potter. He is a very unique man.
As opposed to only a bit unique? Again, I'm being pickier than I normally am with dialogue because this is supposed to be Hermione speaking.
Caitlin hesitated as if not sure she should continue and then said, “Mum, what does it feel like to make love; to have that part of a boy actually inside of you. Does it hurt awfully bad?”
“It doesn’t hurt at all. Actually it’s the most wonderful feeling in the world, but only if it’s the right person and at the right time in your life. That means never before fifteen young lady. That’s the wizard age of consent.” Hermione hoped Caitlin would be older.
That explains an awful lot, or at least the author seems to think it does. He's under the impression that making the age of consent 15 means that it would be okay for Harry and Jamie to hook up if not for the fact that he's her teacher. The age of consent is 16 in the UK, and although a 23-year-old isn't going to get into legal trouble for sleeping with a 16-year-old they're not in a position of authority over it's far from socially acceptable in most circles. The same would be the case (indeed more so) if 15 were legal. I sincerely hope the author lives somewhere with a high age of consent.
“I probably couldn’t have picked a poorer time to ask you this, but am I allowed to go to the Yule Ball?”
This is a bizarre change of subject, and pointing that out in the actual dialogue doesn't help.
“Have you been asked already?” Hermione was surprised. She hadn’t expected many first years to attend. Now here was Caitlin wanting to attend.
Continuity alert: it's thanks to Caitlin that the event was open to first years at all.
“Yes, by two real nice boys in my class, but I haven’t given them an answer yet.”
This reads as "two nice boys who are real" rather than "two really nice boys" in EN-GB.
Hermione thought a moment. “Suppose you tell me how you are going to handle the fact that two boys have asked you to the same dance and based on the maturity of your decision, I’ll decide whether you can attend.”
Of course it's a foregone conclusion. I'm told the plot gets twistier later on, so we'll have to see.
“Well, I’m only eleven. I really don’t want a boyfriend, but I like them both as friends and don’t want to hurt either’s feelings. I was going to suggest to them that the three of us just all go together as friends.”
Hermione smiled. “Looks like you and I both need to go shopping. Are you available Saturday morning?”
Conflict? What conflict?
“Mum, buy something short and sexy that will knock Professor Potter off his feet.”
I don't think she could be more inappropriate if she tried.
“I’m afraid your mum is more the long and plain type.
Of course. Who do you think she is, Ginny?
“That would be great. You can tell me all about Tuesday night. How many times did you make love?”
Hermione rolled her eyes, as she turned red. She couldn’t believe she was discussing her sex life with eleven-year-old Caitlin.
It's only just occurred to her that this is weird?
Perhaps the open and honest conversation had gone too far. Or maybe they were more than mother and daughter. Perchance they were also good friends.
I don't want to read this as bashing parents who don't discuss their own sex lives with their underage children, but I wouldn't put it past this author.
“Five, we never went to sleep. I was dead tired all day Wednesday.”
This was Caitlin’s opportunity to ask her mum to do something special, if she dared. “Mum would you try something, just once, for me? Can we spend the rest of the night together nude? I want you to experience how wonderful it feels.”
... WHAT THE FUCK!
Hermione was mortified
She's not the only one. So sanity isn't completely out. Yet. If anything, that makes it worse.
As the door closed to her bedroom, Hermione went over and stared at her reflection. She felt badly that she had turned down Caitlin’s request.
Suddenly the mirror spoke. “It’s quite out of character for you to stare. You rarely give yourself a glance unlike some of those stuck up princesses I’ve served.”
Hermione was a first started. She realized the mirror spoke, but they seldom talked. “You never told me you served princesses before?” Hermione got her pajamas out of the drawer and started to undress as she talked to the mirror.
“There are a lot of things I’ve never told you. We’ve hardly talked in the five years you’ve been in the castle. I’ve never served someone who looked so little at herself. It certainly can’t be because you’re unhappy with your reflection?”
Of course not. Hermione has received the standard-issue Mary Sue Attractiveness Upgrade, and then some.
By this time Hermione was naked.
So she didn't want to get her kit off for all of two minutes.
“And what they are Professor Granger is drop dead gorgeous. By the way, that young lady that you adopted is quite like you.”
“What do you mean by that?” Hermione had become extremely defensive when it came to Caitlin.
“She has no vision of the future. She is unable to picture how lovely she will become.”
“How do you know how she will look in the future?”
“Because I can reflect both the past and the future. When she looked into me I saw a battered little girl and a beautiful bride. Do you remember this young girl?”
This is how the mirror can provide the all-important Let's All Be Nudists Prophecy.
Suddenly Hermione was looking at a reflection of herself that hadn’t aged, but she was pregnant, quite pregnant and nude. She wasn’t alone in the reflection. Caitlin was there leaning with her ear against Hermione’s stomach. Jamie was there. It looked like she was getting ready to take a picture. Suddenly another naked girl about Caitlin’s age entered the reflection and started rubbing Hermione’s belly.
This other girl... well, we'll meet her soon enough. More's the pity. Considering who this other girl is supposed to be, I'm surprised someone as smart as Hermione didn't figure that out by the family resemblance.
“Who is that other young girl? Why are we all naked?” Hermione couldn’t believe that her future could possible involve her being naked in a room with three young girls. Even worse it looked like she was about to allow Jamie to take a picture of her both naked and pregnant.
And it's perfectly sensible having photos like that hanging around in a world where Rita Skeeter is still alive and apparently unafraid of being unmasked.
“You ask questions a simple mirror cannot answer. I only reflect the actual past and a possible future.”
“Possible future? Why do you say possible?”
“Each day humans are faced with decisions. Sometimes the simplest most insignificant decision can have a tremendous effect on the future. The reflection you are currently viewing shows you quite happy, but you are also pregnant and in this room with three other nude girls. The woman who has looked into me for the last five years will never live that life without some changes taking place.
Translation: become a nudist and you'll live Happily Ever After™. There's a plot hole in that the mirror says that it can't show someone's past or future self with clothes on if they're undressed in the present, so the fact that she's naked in the prophecy should be of no significance.
Suddenly there was a knock on the door. “Mum is everything all right. You’ve been in there talking to yourself for fifteen minutes.”
How the hell has this brief exchange of dialogue between Hermione and the mirror lasted for fifteen minutes?
“Professor Granger, I know I’m just a mirror, but could I make a suggestion?”
“I’m listening, but please make it fast. My daughter thinks I’ve gone crazy.”
And she's right.
“You’re correct. That looks like it’s a happy picture.” Hermione had to admit that the girls were smiling and laughing. What shocked her was that she was, too. She looked as comfortable being naked as Jamie and Caitlin. She was bothered most by not knowing the identity of the third girl. Who was she and why was she with them and nude?
There's no reason she can't have figured this out.
“Are you suggesting I let Caitlin see me naked?”
“I’m suggesting that in order for that reflection to have a chance of becoming a reality you must do it sometime. You putting it off may have no effect on the future or it might make that reflected future impossible. Do you want to gamble?” The mirror had her there. She couldn’t stop looking at the smiling faces in the reflection. Could she risk losing the chance of this being her actual future? Would it be that awful for Caitlin to see her nude?
“Mum, you’re scaring me. If you don’t let me in, I’m going for Professor Potter.”
“They tell me I’m the smartest witch alive and yet here I am about to take the advice of a mirror.”
“Perhaps that’s why you’re the smartest witch alive?”
“MUM, I’m going, now!” Caitlin turned and head for the door, not even thinking that she was naked.
Taking the POV with her. Hermione manages to stop her running out naked into the school and instead calls her in to look into the mirror.
Caitlin slowly turned and her jaw dropped in astonishment. “Mum, it’s you, but you’re pregnant. That’s me. Mum look at my chest, I have little puffy breasts.”
I think you can get ointment for that.
“Hardly, the mirror said this is not necessarily the future, but a possible future based on decisions we make. We look so happy and the mirror suggested that perhaps as a safety precaution I should let you see me like this.”
Caitlin gave Hermione the saddest look. She couldn’t explain why, but she very much wanted her mum to be a naturist like her and Jamie.
No shit, Sherlock. I really think we'd figured that one out.
The reflection slowly dissolved and was replaced by the actual reflection of Hermione and Caitlin, which was then replaced with the image of a beautiful young blue-eyed girl with blonde hair almost touching her waist. Hermione was brushing the girl’s hair.
“Mum, is that me? You haven’t changed; you’re as gorgeous as ever, but look at me. I’m pretty and I have a great figure.”
“Caitlin, look at my face in the reflection. The night we adopted each other you said you wanted to make me proud. From the look on my face I believe you will do just that.”
“Mum look at the bed post, is that a wedding robe. Do you think I’m getting married?”
“I think so. Look at the engagement ring on your finger.” Tears started to fall from Hermione’s eyes.
“Mum, that’s years away. Besides I’ll always be your little girl.” Caitlin smirked. “Did you notice we were naked again?”
"No, that minor detail completely escaped my notice."
Hermione couldn’t believe she was once again naked. She wondered if in time she would possible adopt nudism. She wiped the ridiculous thought from her mind “Yes, I noticed something else, too.” Hermione was stunned to see that her pubic area was total void of hair.
Quite aside from the WTFery, there's another continuity error in that it looks as though she noticed and was surprised at her future!self's lack of pubes after she commented on it.
Hermione looked into the mirror. “Thank you.”
“You are quite welcome. It is seldom one of my masters has thanked me. Sadly I must remind you that what you have just seen is not necessarily the future you will live. Many, many decisions affect your future. I prefer to reflect pleasantly. The boys’ camp leader mistakenly turned left instead of right. Make the most of every day you both have.”
Caitlin looked at Hermione with horror in her eyes. “Did the mirror mean that if the camp leader hadn’t made a wrong turn, I would be dead?”
The mirror seems to know more than it originally let on. My personal hypothesis is that it's got an agenda of its own, rather than simply reflecting (literally and metaphorically) the possible future, and in some way it stands to gain from Hermione becoming a nudist. Maybe it wants to see her with no clothes on more often? Meanwhile, the "wrong turn changed the course of the plot" thing reminds me of this Doctor Who episode only crap.
Hermione and Caitlin talked about their experience with the mirror for about an hour, before going off to bed.
We don't get any of this conversation or even a summary.
Midway through the night Hermione woke up to find a trembling Caitlin nuzzled up tight against her. Softly she asked, “What’s wrong sweetheart?”
“I dreamt about this summer and Pureheart wasn’t there to protect me.
There are no psychotherapists in the Potterverse (which to be fair is also true of canon) and apparently nobody's thought to just remove the traumatic memories with a Memory Charm, so she has to rely on a robot unicorn. Very lucky she happened to befriend someone who owned one, really.
May I please sleep with you?"
There's absolutely no excuse, in the first decade of the 21st century, for any native English speaker (even an eleven-year-old!) to use the phrase "sleep with" in the literal sense in apparent ignorance of its more usual meaning. Especially in a sex-heavy fic.
“Of course.” Hermione wrapped her arm around the young girl and drew her close. It was only when Caitlin’s cheek touched Hermione’s breast that she remembered that they were both naked.
How does she forget something like that?
The young girl seemed to find instant comfort as she draped her leg over Hermione’s and drifted into a quiet sleep.
For a time Hermione laid there unable to go back to sleep. Somehow them lying together like this seemed so wrong and yet so right. No one would think twice of a mother comforting her child if they were both dressed. She certainly had no intentions of touching Caitlin inappropriately. All she wanted to do was hold her and make the bad dreams go away. Just because were naked doesn’t mean we’re twisted. This has nothing to do with sex in any way. Being naked has nothing to do with sex.
Suddenly Hermione understood what Jamie and Caitlin had been telling her these last few weeks.
Just like that. I have to wonder, if it truly has nothing to do with sex, why the idea that it might is even crossing her mind. That line of enquiry leads to places best left unexplored, even more so than Hogwarts Exposed in general.
Hermione watched as Caitlin skipped toward her room. If only I could have been there for you those first eleven years. Suddenly Hermione realized how impossible that would have been. She was only a second year when Caitlin was born.
With this fic you never know.
Hermione got out of bed and headed for the bathroom. She actually forgot she was naked until she went to pull her knickers down. I’ll never admit this to the girls, but being naked does feel kind of nice.
She didn’t fully realize how nice until she put her bicycle shorts on for running and again later when she dressed for breakfast.
Do you suppose she's going to become a nudist at some point, by any chance?
Cut to the Marauders Harry, Ron and Hermione down in the dungeon preparing for Ron's werewolf transformation.
. “Hermione, you are a spoiled witch. Have you ever seen a wolf sleep on a rug?” Harry inquired.
“I don’t care if I will be in my Animagus form, it’s still a dungeon and these stone floors can get awfully cold.”
Harry looked at Ron. “You’ve been taking the potion all week?
"No, I decided to chance it."
“Yes. It’s good of Severus to still go to the trouble to brew it for me. It makes a great difference in how I feel during the days of the moon. Without the potion I’d be trying to shag every man, woman or beast within my scent.
Hogwarts Exposed werewolves, as you might recall, have a ludicrously increased sex drive. I don't know if this is a Psychic Serpent thing or just something the author threw into this because absolutely everything has to involve sex. Apart from being naked, of course. That's completely different.
I almost felt normal yesterday. Sam said I didn’t seem any different.”
Harry and Hermione looked at each other questioningly before both saying, “Sam?”
“I’ve wanted to tell you about Sam. I believe I’ve finally met the person I want to be with for the rest of my life. I’ve never been this happy. If possible I’d like for us to all go to dinner next Friday?"
I like how he drops meeting the love of his life into the conversation as a "by the way" thing.
Harry and Hermione both looked like they were in a stupor. Finally, Harry spoke, “I’m free, how about you, Herm?”
Hermione just nodded her head in agreement. “I’ve noticed how happy you have been the last couple of weeks. If Sam is responsible, I’m happy you found each other.”
Hermione’s head was still nodding as if it had come loose. “Yes, Ron. The important thing is that you are happy. If being with Sam makes you happy, that’s all that matters.” Hermione looked at Harry who just shrugged his shoulders. Neither could believe what Ron was saying. Could Ron actually be gay?
Ho ho ho, a love interest with a unisex name makes the other characters think someone's gay. This joke might have been fresh and original in 1970, and I'm not even sure about that. I don't buy Harry and Hermione being shocked at the prospect of Ron being gay either; I see their response if he was and they found out to be more like "oh, okay then".
“Sorry, I’m late!” Charlie Weasley yelled as he ran flat-out down the torch-lit corridor. When he reached the group he was panting. He briefly bent over trying to catch his breath.
Ron looked at his brother. “Did you bring the revolver? And the bullets in case of an emergency?”
The wizarding world does not use guns (remember how the Daily Prophet had to explain what one was in Prisoner of Azkaban?) and a working revolver is not the easiest thing to acquire legally in the UK at any rate.
Harry was soon staring at a female wolf where Hermione had stood. Harry changed to his Golden Griffin form. Hermione settled next to Harry as they watched their friend suddenly cry out in agony and then begin to shake uncontrollably as his shoulders hunched and his hands curled into paws. Suddenly Ron was a wolf,
"And then Ron was a wolf."
Harry remembered the first night he had spent with Ron and Remus at the end of sixth year. Sirius had been with him. That night Remus and Ron had not had the benefit of receiving the potion the entire week and both Harry and Sirius were attacked.
This is a Psychic Serpent thing, I guess. You can tell it's pre-OotP with Sirius still being alive. Was there any popular three-year summer fic that managed to predict his death, apart from the ones who just killed everyone?
Harry awoke to see Ron sitting across the cell staring in the direction of him and Hermione who was still sleeping in her wolf form.
Ron had a smile on his face. “You two have finally gotten back together, haven’t you?”
Harry had a guilty look on his face. “Yeah. She thought I liked someone else and I thought she was involved. With the help of a unique young lady, we straightened things out,"
For "unique young lady", read "Mary Sue".
“Ron, I love her. I want to make it a life commitment if she’ll have me.”
“What about Caitlin? How do you feel about her?”
“She’s grand. I’m looking forward to being her dad. I just hope they’ll both say yes.”
A tear fell from the eye of the wolf lying beside Harry. Wolves don’t usually cry or smile, but this one did.
Aaargh, the glurge burns.
Continued...
“I’ll think about it,” Caitlin tentatively replied.
Replying with "I'll think about it" is by its nature tentative, so the adverb is redundant.
“No you won’t. We are going to see your mum right know. Get your robes. You’re not going to fret about this another night.”
Caitlin gave Jamie a sheepish smile. “Who died and made you boss?”
“The bossiness comes with being a prefect. Now are we going to go see your Mum or do you want to lose Gryffindor 20 points.”
“We’re going boss lady,” Caitlin reluctantly agreed.
This doesn't look anywhere near as good-natured an exchange as the author clearly intended, because to me it gives the impression of Little Miss Perfect bullying her younger sister figure into something she's not ready for. She reminds me a bit of Edward Cullen, in that we're meant to forgive the bad things she does on the basis that it all works out in the end (for a given value of "all works out") but if we don't buy into that we're left thinking she's awful. And speaking of Edward:
“It was Caitlin. She was here and I think it would be best if I left and let her tell you what she saw and what has been troubling her since.”
Hermione face glowed brighter than Rudolph’s nose as Jamie turned and left.
Hermione is a Meyerpire.
Caitlin hastily told Hermione how she had run up to the quarters for her journal. “At first I thought you were asleep and I was just going to depart, but then I heard your voice and I looked in your bedroom. You were lying on Professor Potter and then you got on your hands and knees and started kissing him all over until you got to his penis and then, well you know what you did. I left because I knew watching was wrong and what you were doing was private.”
So said the eleven-year-old. I honestly don't understand how anyone can find the dialogue and characterisation in this fic to be even passable, let alone good.
Hermione felt extremely guilty and mortified. “It’s my fault that you saw that. I should have closed the bedroom door and put on a locking charm. I’m sorry you were discomfited.”
“Mum, I hope this doesn’t make you think poorly of me, but I wasn’t embarrassed. I’m glad I saw you together like that. I got to see that something I thought was dirty really isn’t when you love someone. Does he do things like that to you down there, too?”
Hermione nodded her head as she continued to blush deeply. “Harry is a very special lover. He never thinks of his own pleasure, just of mine. I hope when your time comes that you have some one as special as him.”
Yes, talk to your eleven-year-old adopted daughter about what you get up to with Harry.
“Do you want to marry him?”
“If he ever asks me, I’ll say yes, but I’m not sure if Harry is ready for marriage and a family.”
Of course it doesn't occur to her to ask him, however much of a model of liberation she claims to be.
“Especially not an already made family with an eleven-year-old daughter. He loves you, but he doesn’t want to be stuck with me. I’ve ruined your chances of happiness. Haven’t I?” Caitlin burst into tears as Hermione threw her arms around the young girl.
Either there's no conflict at all in the fic, or it's totally overblown to the extent that this kind of scene no longer has any real impact because we've seen it too many times.
“Caitlin, the day I adopted you was one of the happiest days in my life. Not once have I regretted it. You underestimate Harry Potter. He is a very unique man.
As opposed to only a bit unique? Again, I'm being pickier than I normally am with dialogue because this is supposed to be Hermione speaking.
Caitlin hesitated as if not sure she should continue and then said, “Mum, what does it feel like to make love; to have that part of a boy actually inside of you. Does it hurt awfully bad?”
“It doesn’t hurt at all. Actually it’s the most wonderful feeling in the world, but only if it’s the right person and at the right time in your life. That means never before fifteen young lady. That’s the wizard age of consent.” Hermione hoped Caitlin would be older.
That explains an awful lot, or at least the author seems to think it does. He's under the impression that making the age of consent 15 means that it would be okay for Harry and Jamie to hook up if not for the fact that he's her teacher. The age of consent is 16 in the UK, and although a 23-year-old isn't going to get into legal trouble for sleeping with a 16-year-old they're not in a position of authority over it's far from socially acceptable in most circles. The same would be the case (indeed more so) if 15 were legal. I sincerely hope the author lives somewhere with a high age of consent.
“I probably couldn’t have picked a poorer time to ask you this, but am I allowed to go to the Yule Ball?”
This is a bizarre change of subject, and pointing that out in the actual dialogue doesn't help.
“Have you been asked already?” Hermione was surprised. She hadn’t expected many first years to attend. Now here was Caitlin wanting to attend.
Continuity alert: it's thanks to Caitlin that the event was open to first years at all.
“Yes, by two real nice boys in my class, but I haven’t given them an answer yet.”
This reads as "two nice boys who are real" rather than "two really nice boys" in EN-GB.
Hermione thought a moment. “Suppose you tell me how you are going to handle the fact that two boys have asked you to the same dance and based on the maturity of your decision, I’ll decide whether you can attend.”
Of course it's a foregone conclusion. I'm told the plot gets twistier later on, so we'll have to see.
“Well, I’m only eleven. I really don’t want a boyfriend, but I like them both as friends and don’t want to hurt either’s feelings. I was going to suggest to them that the three of us just all go together as friends.”
Hermione smiled. “Looks like you and I both need to go shopping. Are you available Saturday morning?”
Conflict? What conflict?
“Mum, buy something short and sexy that will knock Professor Potter off his feet.”
I don't think she could be more inappropriate if she tried.
“I’m afraid your mum is more the long and plain type.
Of course. Who do you think she is, Ginny?
“That would be great. You can tell me all about Tuesday night. How many times did you make love?”
Hermione rolled her eyes, as she turned red. She couldn’t believe she was discussing her sex life with eleven-year-old Caitlin.
It's only just occurred to her that this is weird?
Perhaps the open and honest conversation had gone too far. Or maybe they were more than mother and daughter. Perchance they were also good friends.
I don't want to read this as bashing parents who don't discuss their own sex lives with their underage children, but I wouldn't put it past this author.
“Five, we never went to sleep. I was dead tired all day Wednesday.”
This was Caitlin’s opportunity to ask her mum to do something special, if she dared. “Mum would you try something, just once, for me? Can we spend the rest of the night together nude? I want you to experience how wonderful it feels.”
... WHAT THE FUCK!
Hermione was mortified
She's not the only one. So sanity isn't completely out. Yet. If anything, that makes it worse.
As the door closed to her bedroom, Hermione went over and stared at her reflection. She felt badly that she had turned down Caitlin’s request.
Suddenly the mirror spoke. “It’s quite out of character for you to stare. You rarely give yourself a glance unlike some of those stuck up princesses I’ve served.”
Hermione was a first started. She realized the mirror spoke, but they seldom talked. “You never told me you served princesses before?” Hermione got her pajamas out of the drawer and started to undress as she talked to the mirror.
“There are a lot of things I’ve never told you. We’ve hardly talked in the five years you’ve been in the castle. I’ve never served someone who looked so little at herself. It certainly can’t be because you’re unhappy with your reflection?”
Of course not. Hermione has received the standard-issue Mary Sue Attractiveness Upgrade, and then some.
By this time Hermione was naked.
So she didn't want to get her kit off for all of two minutes.
“And what they are Professor Granger is drop dead gorgeous. By the way, that young lady that you adopted is quite like you.”
“What do you mean by that?” Hermione had become extremely defensive when it came to Caitlin.
“She has no vision of the future. She is unable to picture how lovely she will become.”
“How do you know how she will look in the future?”
“Because I can reflect both the past and the future. When she looked into me I saw a battered little girl and a beautiful bride. Do you remember this young girl?”
This is how the mirror can provide the all-important Let's All Be Nudists Prophecy.
Suddenly Hermione was looking at a reflection of herself that hadn’t aged, but she was pregnant, quite pregnant and nude. She wasn’t alone in the reflection. Caitlin was there leaning with her ear against Hermione’s stomach. Jamie was there. It looked like she was getting ready to take a picture. Suddenly another naked girl about Caitlin’s age entered the reflection and started rubbing Hermione’s belly.
This other girl... well, we'll meet her soon enough. More's the pity. Considering who this other girl is supposed to be, I'm surprised someone as smart as Hermione didn't figure that out by the family resemblance.
“Who is that other young girl? Why are we all naked?” Hermione couldn’t believe that her future could possible involve her being naked in a room with three young girls. Even worse it looked like she was about to allow Jamie to take a picture of her both naked and pregnant.
And it's perfectly sensible having photos like that hanging around in a world where Rita Skeeter is still alive and apparently unafraid of being unmasked.
“You ask questions a simple mirror cannot answer. I only reflect the actual past and a possible future.”
“Possible future? Why do you say possible?”
“Each day humans are faced with decisions. Sometimes the simplest most insignificant decision can have a tremendous effect on the future. The reflection you are currently viewing shows you quite happy, but you are also pregnant and in this room with three other nude girls. The woman who has looked into me for the last five years will never live that life without some changes taking place.
Translation: become a nudist and you'll live Happily Ever After™. There's a plot hole in that the mirror says that it can't show someone's past or future self with clothes on if they're undressed in the present, so the fact that she's naked in the prophecy should be of no significance.
Suddenly there was a knock on the door. “Mum is everything all right. You’ve been in there talking to yourself for fifteen minutes.”
How the hell has this brief exchange of dialogue between Hermione and the mirror lasted for fifteen minutes?
“Professor Granger, I know I’m just a mirror, but could I make a suggestion?”
“I’m listening, but please make it fast. My daughter thinks I’ve gone crazy.”
And she's right.
“You’re correct. That looks like it’s a happy picture.” Hermione had to admit that the girls were smiling and laughing. What shocked her was that she was, too. She looked as comfortable being naked as Jamie and Caitlin. She was bothered most by not knowing the identity of the third girl. Who was she and why was she with them and nude?
There's no reason she can't have figured this out.
“Are you suggesting I let Caitlin see me naked?”
“I’m suggesting that in order for that reflection to have a chance of becoming a reality you must do it sometime. You putting it off may have no effect on the future or it might make that reflected future impossible. Do you want to gamble?” The mirror had her there. She couldn’t stop looking at the smiling faces in the reflection. Could she risk losing the chance of this being her actual future? Would it be that awful for Caitlin to see her nude?
“Mum, you’re scaring me. If you don’t let me in, I’m going for Professor Potter.”
“They tell me I’m the smartest witch alive and yet here I am about to take the advice of a mirror.”
“Perhaps that’s why you’re the smartest witch alive?”
“MUM, I’m going, now!” Caitlin turned and head for the door, not even thinking that she was naked.
Taking the POV with her. Hermione manages to stop her running out naked into the school and instead calls her in to look into the mirror.
Caitlin slowly turned and her jaw dropped in astonishment. “Mum, it’s you, but you’re pregnant. That’s me. Mum look at my chest, I have little puffy breasts.”
I think you can get ointment for that.
“Hardly, the mirror said this is not necessarily the future, but a possible future based on decisions we make. We look so happy and the mirror suggested that perhaps as a safety precaution I should let you see me like this.”
Caitlin gave Hermione the saddest look. She couldn’t explain why, but she very much wanted her mum to be a naturist like her and Jamie.
No shit, Sherlock. I really think we'd figured that one out.
The reflection slowly dissolved and was replaced by the actual reflection of Hermione and Caitlin, which was then replaced with the image of a beautiful young blue-eyed girl with blonde hair almost touching her waist. Hermione was brushing the girl’s hair.
“Mum, is that me? You haven’t changed; you’re as gorgeous as ever, but look at me. I’m pretty and I have a great figure.”
“Caitlin, look at my face in the reflection. The night we adopted each other you said you wanted to make me proud. From the look on my face I believe you will do just that.”
“Mum look at the bed post, is that a wedding robe. Do you think I’m getting married?”
“I think so. Look at the engagement ring on your finger.” Tears started to fall from Hermione’s eyes.
“Mum, that’s years away. Besides I’ll always be your little girl.” Caitlin smirked. “Did you notice we were naked again?”
"No, that minor detail completely escaped my notice."
Hermione couldn’t believe she was once again naked. She wondered if in time she would possible adopt nudism. She wiped the ridiculous thought from her mind “Yes, I noticed something else, too.” Hermione was stunned to see that her pubic area was total void of hair.
Quite aside from the WTFery, there's another continuity error in that it looks as though she noticed and was surprised at her future!self's lack of pubes after she commented on it.
Hermione looked into the mirror. “Thank you.”
“You are quite welcome. It is seldom one of my masters has thanked me. Sadly I must remind you that what you have just seen is not necessarily the future you will live. Many, many decisions affect your future. I prefer to reflect pleasantly. The boys’ camp leader mistakenly turned left instead of right. Make the most of every day you both have.”
Caitlin looked at Hermione with horror in her eyes. “Did the mirror mean that if the camp leader hadn’t made a wrong turn, I would be dead?”
The mirror seems to know more than it originally let on. My personal hypothesis is that it's got an agenda of its own, rather than simply reflecting (literally and metaphorically) the possible future, and in some way it stands to gain from Hermione becoming a nudist. Maybe it wants to see her with no clothes on more often? Meanwhile, the "wrong turn changed the course of the plot" thing reminds me of this Doctor Who episode only crap.
Hermione and Caitlin talked about their experience with the mirror for about an hour, before going off to bed.
We don't get any of this conversation or even a summary.
Midway through the night Hermione woke up to find a trembling Caitlin nuzzled up tight against her. Softly she asked, “What’s wrong sweetheart?”
“I dreamt about this summer and Pureheart wasn’t there to protect me.
There are no psychotherapists in the Potterverse (which to be fair is also true of canon) and apparently nobody's thought to just remove the traumatic memories with a Memory Charm, so she has to rely on a robot unicorn. Very lucky she happened to befriend someone who owned one, really.
May I please sleep with you?"
There's absolutely no excuse, in the first decade of the 21st century, for any native English speaker (even an eleven-year-old!) to use the phrase "sleep with" in the literal sense in apparent ignorance of its more usual meaning. Especially in a sex-heavy fic.
“Of course.” Hermione wrapped her arm around the young girl and drew her close. It was only when Caitlin’s cheek touched Hermione’s breast that she remembered that they were both naked.
How does she forget something like that?
The young girl seemed to find instant comfort as she draped her leg over Hermione’s and drifted into a quiet sleep.
For a time Hermione laid there unable to go back to sleep. Somehow them lying together like this seemed so wrong and yet so right. No one would think twice of a mother comforting her child if they were both dressed. She certainly had no intentions of touching Caitlin inappropriately. All she wanted to do was hold her and make the bad dreams go away. Just because were naked doesn’t mean we’re twisted. This has nothing to do with sex in any way. Being naked has nothing to do with sex.
Suddenly Hermione understood what Jamie and Caitlin had been telling her these last few weeks.
Just like that. I have to wonder, if it truly has nothing to do with sex, why the idea that it might is even crossing her mind. That line of enquiry leads to places best left unexplored, even more so than Hogwarts Exposed in general.
Hermione watched as Caitlin skipped toward her room. If only I could have been there for you those first eleven years. Suddenly Hermione realized how impossible that would have been. She was only a second year when Caitlin was born.
With this fic you never know.
Hermione got out of bed and headed for the bathroom. She actually forgot she was naked until she went to pull her knickers down. I’ll never admit this to the girls, but being naked does feel kind of nice.
She didn’t fully realize how nice until she put her bicycle shorts on for running and again later when she dressed for breakfast.
Do you suppose she's going to become a nudist at some point, by any chance?
Cut to the Marauders Harry, Ron and Hermione down in the dungeon preparing for Ron's werewolf transformation.
. “Hermione, you are a spoiled witch. Have you ever seen a wolf sleep on a rug?” Harry inquired.
“I don’t care if I will be in my Animagus form, it’s still a dungeon and these stone floors can get awfully cold.”
Harry looked at Ron. “You’ve been taking the potion all week?
"No, I decided to chance it."
“Yes. It’s good of Severus to still go to the trouble to brew it for me. It makes a great difference in how I feel during the days of the moon. Without the potion I’d be trying to shag every man, woman or beast within my scent.
Hogwarts Exposed werewolves, as you might recall, have a ludicrously increased sex drive. I don't know if this is a Psychic Serpent thing or just something the author threw into this because absolutely everything has to involve sex. Apart from being naked, of course. That's completely different.
I almost felt normal yesterday. Sam said I didn’t seem any different.”
Harry and Hermione looked at each other questioningly before both saying, “Sam?”
“I’ve wanted to tell you about Sam. I believe I’ve finally met the person I want to be with for the rest of my life. I’ve never been this happy. If possible I’d like for us to all go to dinner next Friday?"
I like how he drops meeting the love of his life into the conversation as a "by the way" thing.
Harry and Hermione both looked like they were in a stupor. Finally, Harry spoke, “I’m free, how about you, Herm?”
Hermione just nodded her head in agreement. “I’ve noticed how happy you have been the last couple of weeks. If Sam is responsible, I’m happy you found each other.”
Hermione’s head was still nodding as if it had come loose. “Yes, Ron. The important thing is that you are happy. If being with Sam makes you happy, that’s all that matters.” Hermione looked at Harry who just shrugged his shoulders. Neither could believe what Ron was saying. Could Ron actually be gay?
Ho ho ho, a love interest with a unisex name makes the other characters think someone's gay. This joke might have been fresh and original in 1970, and I'm not even sure about that. I don't buy Harry and Hermione being shocked at the prospect of Ron being gay either; I see their response if he was and they found out to be more like "oh, okay then".
“Sorry, I’m late!” Charlie Weasley yelled as he ran flat-out down the torch-lit corridor. When he reached the group he was panting. He briefly bent over trying to catch his breath.
Ron looked at his brother. “Did you bring the revolver? And the bullets in case of an emergency?”
The wizarding world does not use guns (remember how the Daily Prophet had to explain what one was in Prisoner of Azkaban?) and a working revolver is not the easiest thing to acquire legally in the UK at any rate.
Harry was soon staring at a female wolf where Hermione had stood. Harry changed to his Golden Griffin form. Hermione settled next to Harry as they watched their friend suddenly cry out in agony and then begin to shake uncontrollably as his shoulders hunched and his hands curled into paws. Suddenly Ron was a wolf,
"And then Ron was a wolf."
Harry remembered the first night he had spent with Ron and Remus at the end of sixth year. Sirius had been with him. That night Remus and Ron had not had the benefit of receiving the potion the entire week and both Harry and Sirius were attacked.
This is a Psychic Serpent thing, I guess. You can tell it's pre-OotP with Sirius still being alive. Was there any popular three-year summer fic that managed to predict his death, apart from the ones who just killed everyone?
Harry awoke to see Ron sitting across the cell staring in the direction of him and Hermione who was still sleeping in her wolf form.
Ron had a smile on his face. “You two have finally gotten back together, haven’t you?”
Harry had a guilty look on his face. “Yeah. She thought I liked someone else and I thought she was involved. With the help of a unique young lady, we straightened things out,"
For "unique young lady", read "Mary Sue".
“Ron, I love her. I want to make it a life commitment if she’ll have me.”
“What about Caitlin? How do you feel about her?”
“She’s grand. I’m looking forward to being her dad. I just hope they’ll both say yes.”
A tear fell from the eye of the wolf lying beside Harry. Wolves don’t usually cry or smile, but this one did.
Aaargh, the glurge burns.
Continued...