Hogwarts Exposed Chapter 9
I've not given up. I took a bit of a break because I have to admit this chapter, long and brimming with fail as it is, nearly defeated me. But it hasn't!
She had been very happy at Harry’s reaction to the news of Caitlin’s adoption. Unlike most of her fellow teachers, he’d seemed genuinely happy and supportive and she couldn’t deny, not that she wanted to, the warm feeling she got inside remembering it.
Though she did wonder what he would think of Caitlin’s surprise from yesterday.
Suddenly Hermione came to a brief stop, and shuddered wondering if Caitlin was planning on visiting her this afternoon, before taking off even quicker than before.
I can't decide whether this is cheating at narration or not: would it have occurred to Hermione that Harry might walk in on Caitlin in a state of undress? In any case, there's no dramatic tension because we know he already has.
Harry froze. He didn’t know what to do. Should he turn and leave? Should he cover his eyes? He did one thing without thinking. Harry turned a bright shade of red, as he stood there frozen.
There are worse ways he could have reacted, especially in this fic.
Harry didn’t know what to say, but he knew standing there, glowing red with a permanent shocked look etched on his face wasn’t the right thing. “No, wait. This is your home now. You have every right to remain as you are. I will wait in the hall until Professor Granger arrives. I’m very sorry that I just burst in like that and humiliated you.” Harry turned to leave.
“Wait, Professor Potter. I’m not the least self-conscious that you saw me like this. Please stay here till Mum arrives.”
She's known Jamie for three weeks, and already she's been persuaded that naturism is The Way Forward™ and is confident being naked in front of a male teacher who also happens to be the saviour of the wizarding world. I can see the Daily Prophet now:
HOGWARTS STUDENT JAILED
A student at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry has been sentenced to life in Azkaban for using the Imperius Curse on her classmates and teachers.
Jamie Zacherley, 15, was found guilty of 9001 counts of using an Unforgivable Curse and one of indecent exposure. The court heard how she used the Imperius Curse in order to, in the words of one victim who wishes to remain anonymous, "make everyone think the sun shines out of her arse." It is not known how she learned the spell, but the Hogwarts governors have promised a full investigation.
Kingsley Shacklebolt, head of the Auror Department, rejected criticism of the harshness of the sentence, insisting in a statement, "If Tom Riddle had been caught so early, who knows how many lives would have been saved? Also, she's totally a Mary Sue."
A toy unicorn owned by Zacherley is being held for further questioning.
Hermione hastily opened the door to her residence and at once saw Harry sitting on the sofa drinking a butter beer. He appeared to be talking to someone who was seated in Hermione’s high back easy chair, but from the door she couldn’t make out who it was. Suddenly Caitlin jumped from the chair and ran to the door to welcome her.
Yes, she's still naked. The fic eventually gets to the point where it's actually safer to assume that everyone is unless told otherwise. There are over a hundred chapters in the Hogwarts Exposed tetralogy. We're on chapter 9, and it keeps getting worse throughout. Think about that for a moment. On second thoughts, don't.
Hermione couldn’t get over the innocence and confidence that Caitlin showed. She’s seen much elder students go quiet in the presence of Harry, even just in the last week. And unlike her daughter they were fully clothed.
They're not Sues though.
Though she still felt a little weird at Caitlin’s choice,
Savour this acknowledgement that it's actually okay to feel weird about people running around naked when you're not used to it, because later on you'll be considered a judgemental prick if the thought crosses your mind for the merest second.
she couldn’t help but be proud at the way her daughter was talking to the most famous wizard in the world, as if he was the guy next door.
Which he kind of is.
Hermione gave Caitlin another hug before they left and Harry gave her a big smile as he said. “I’ll see you in class tomorrow Miss Garrison.”
“Yes Professor, but you won’t see quite as much of me as tonight.” Caitlin had that devilish look in her eye again.
An eleven-year-old girl flirting with her teacher and nobody sees anything wrong with this at all. Fuck this fic.
Caitlin watched the door close and then went to her room to dress for dinner. Mum likes him a lot; I can tell. I wonder if he likes her. What if they got married! Oh! That would be so terrific.
Even the kids ship Harry/Hermione.
As soon as they were out the door Hermione said. “I’m sorry Harry, I didn’t think Caitlin would be there today. I imagine she gave you quite a surprise.”
“That’s an understatement!” Harry exclaimed. “At first I wasn’t certain what to do, but she was so confident and at ease with the situation that she made me feel at ease with it, also. Of course, I have to be truthful. The fact that she is an eleven-year-old girl made managing the fact that she was nude a lot easier.
Keep telling yourself that, Mister Do Kids Today Still Wear Knickers.
Now when she convinces you to practice nudism, I’m not so confident I’ll be quite as at ease.”
Hermione blushed as she hit Harry on the arm. “Don’t hold your breath Mr. Potter. That’s something I can guarantee you wouldn’t see in this lifetime.”
Even if I didn't already know that it happens, I'd probably have been able to guess that this is foreshadowing. Jamie has already managed to convince Caitlin to become a naturist and as I said we're only nine chapters in.
A thankful break from the underage nudity:
Severus Snape rubbed his hand over his face and shook his head. “I can’t believe you two are serious.
You actually expect me to ask the board of governors to appoint Ron Weasley as a replacement for Madam Hooch. Have you forgotten that he is a werewolf?
"Oh yeah, I forgot about that. Completely slipped my mind." Still, he could probably take Quidditch lessons on the night of the full moon and not be any worse than this fic's version of Hooch.
Hermione looked at the Headmaster with annoyance. “Severus, don’t be ridiculous!
Hermione would really talk to Snape like that.
“Lupin was a werewolf and Dumbledore hired him,” Hermione interjected. “He was a wonderful teacher. The fact that Ron is a werewolf should not be held against him and he unquestionably won’t be out evenings for the duration of the full moon. Harry and I will see to that.”
It occurs to me that Remus Lupin isn't the best example to use when trying to convince Snape of all people that it's okay to hire a werewolf. In fact, he's quite possibly the worst.
“Severus, he has served his time. Azkaban changed him considerably. Remember he was a professional Quidditch player and he’s the third member of the Covenant that defeated Voldemort. Many of the governors might be pleased that you secured all three of us as part of your staff,” Harry added.
The Headmaster seemed to be weakening. “I have thought how impressive it would be to have all three of the Covenant members on the staff. Yes, he was an impressive Quidditch player. Will you both consent to stay with him in your Animagi forms during the full moon period?”
Generation Xerox again! I take it Ron is Remus, and Harry is of course James, which would make Hermione Sirius because Peter doesn't exist in fanfic.
If this gets approved, you two will owe me a huge favor, so don’t make any plans for December twenty-seventh.”
Harry looked at Hermione incredulously as she questioned Severus. “That’s the night of the Yule Ball, isn’t it? Can I assume that Harry and I have just volunteered to be the chaperones?”
The Headmaster only smiled and nodded his head.
And we have more clumsy exposition. This fic makes the Yule Ball into an annual event, it seems. I blame Cassandra Claire.
Caitlin’s eyes scanned the common room as she entered through the round hole behind the portrait of the fat lady. As soon as she saw Jamie seated with Alex and Amanda, she ran toward them. “You won’t believe what just happened.”
I certainly don't.
Caitlin’s face glistened.
She's turned into a Meyerpire.
“I had gone up to my mum’s quarter’s this afternoon to hang some poster in my bedroom. You know, I wanted to make it more like homey. As soon as I got there I had undressed. I feel so much more comfortable now without clothes.”
Amanda looked at Jamie. “Are you sure you two aren’t real sisters?”
Having characters point out that their relationship is developing ridiculously quickly doesn't make it any less, well, ridiculous. It just draws attention to it.
“At first he seemed distressed and uneasy. He wanted to leave because he thought he had embarrassed me. Once I told him I was a nudist and that him seeing me unclothed was no huge deal, he was real cool about it. We sat and talked for about fifteen minutes before mum got there. He is really nice. I was so relaxed talking to him that I didn’t even notice the time going by till Mum arrived a little while later.”
The author has really got the hang of portraying how eleven-year-olds talk.
Amanda just sat there shaking her head. “I can’t get over how much you two are similar. Now Professor Potter has seen you both naked.”
Caitlin was startled by this comment. She looked at Jamie. “Professor Potter saw you naked?”
“He wasn’t a Professor at the time. He was just Harry Potter, the boy who lived. Harry Potter was my Knight.” Upon hearing this Caitlin reached out and hugged Jamie.
Again with the overacting. I thought Caitlin was the only person she'd told about her knight, and that he was Harry Potter.
“They have quite a history. Have you ever read Harry Potter, a History?” Jamie inquired.
It comes in seven volumes.
When Ron was sent to Azkaban he felt like his life was over. He had lost his parents at the end of the war, Harry had disappeared to who knew where and he had walked out on the only girl that ever really cared for him. His brothers and sister were disgusted with him and after the incident at the championship game even his groupie “friends” had deserted him. It was a lonely friendless man that had entered Azkaban.
Ron's brothers and sister wouldn't abandon him for anything short of declaring open allegiance with Voldemort.
But when his brothers and sister welcomed him back, and then Hermione and Harry, he could see a little light at the end of the tunnel. It was wonderful to have his two best friends back, but he knew it could never be quite the same. Certainly they could be friends, but they weren’t kids anymore. Harry and Hermione would someday admit they were in love.
Of course they would. If you've not noticed, this is a Harry/Hermione fic.
Then two weeks ago today she walked into his life and finally he had a reason to live.
Because your friends and family mean nothing next to the all-consuming power of the only kind of love that really matters. Ron receives his owl with the job offer, but all isn't rosy because of course...
“Ron, that’s wonderful. You’re going to be part of the Hogwarts staff. I’m so happy for you.” Suddenly Sam realized that Ron didn’t look happy. “Don’t you want to work with your friends?”
“Yes, It’s a dream come true. I love Quidditch and being able to teach young witches and wizards to fly will be wonderful, but….”
“But what?”
“Sam, I look forward to lunch with you. It keeps me going from day to day. I don’t want to give that up.”
“Ron, you’re so sweet. I’ll miss you, too. Maybe we could switch to dinner? Not every night, but once in awhile.”
“You mean like a date. Would you actually go out with me knowing what I am?”
“Only if you promise not to bite.”
If Sam had said something like that two weeks ago, Ron would have stormed out. Now he knew her and had learned to laugh at himself. “I never bite on a first date.”
I like character development. Character development is one of the things that keeps me reading a good story. What we have here is the prose equivalent of a giant neon sign flashing "HEY! LOOK! CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT!" which isn't so great.
“I can’t think of anything you can tell me that is so awful that I wouldn’t want to see you again.”
“Oh! It’s not awful. Not to me anyway, but most wizards are turned off by the situation. Ron, I have a little boy. Timmy was two on April third.”
Before he had been in Azkaban this would have mattered a great deal to Ron. He would have never considered dating a woman that had a child. Four years had matured him.
And again.
Sam blushed with embarrassment. “Ron, he never left me because we were never really together. He doesn’t even know Timmy exists. He was a handsome foreign gentleman that swept a silly country girl off her feet. For three days he treated me like I was a Princess and I thought he was my Prince. On the third night I gave my virginity to him only to awaken and find him gone the next morning.”
Again with the strange focus on the significance of virginity, which looks decidedly out of place in this fic.
Draco Malfoy rushed down the hall toward the Great Hall. He had taken a short nap after his last class and was now late for dinner. As he entered the hall from behind the teachers’ table, the fate he had avoided for five weeks confronted him. The only seat empty at the faculty table was next to Virginia Weasley. Well, Draco. You either sit next to the bitch or go hungry, which will it be? His stomach growled the answer to his question.
I guess Draco doesn't like Ginny. I think they had a messy break-up. It was quite the thing during the three-year summer for Harry/Hermione shippers to get Ginny out of the way by pairing her with Draco, presumably because as they barely interact in canon they can just make the relationship up from scratch. Or because people saw how popular the Draco Trilogy was and decided they wanted a piece of the action. Or both.
“Next I would like to discuss the Yule Ball which will be held this year on December twenty-seventh. As you know the first Yule Ball was held in 1994 as a part of the Triwizard tournament.
The phrase "as you know" should always be treated as a red light when you're writing dialogue.
It became an annual event in 1998 to celebrate the defeat of the Dark Lord Voldemort.
The annual Yule Ball is another Draco Trilogy thing that's since become a cliché, though at least here we see some attempt to justify it.
“This year there will be a slight change. In the past we have limited the event to year four and above. Effective this year it will be open to all students that care to attend. Professors Granger and Potter have graciously volunteered to chaperone.” Harry and Hermione gave each other a knowing glance.
Because we have a first-year Sue, the normal rules have to go out of the window to accommodate her.
Severus looked at Hermione and gave her a brief smile. “I was presented with a formal request which was signed by over one hundred fifty students. The petition applauded the school for holding an annual dance that celebrated the defeat of Voldemort, a Dark Lord who had practiced discrimination against muggles, muggle borns, and anyone not pureblood. At the same time the letter denounced the school for practicing its own form of discrimination by not allowing first, second and third years to attend unless invited.”
This does sound like the kind of thing that children that age might try to get away with, and also the kind of thing that would be laughed off by any adult with any sense.
Hermione was amazed. “I never thought about it before Severus, but they’re correct. Though most of the younger students probably won’t attend, it should be their choice to make, not ours. Whoever started that petition should be commended. Do you have any idea who it was?
Severus now had a huge grin on his face. “Oh! I most certainly do. I believe taking up causes runs in the family. If I’m not mistaken her mother founded a group called S.P.E.W during her fourth year.”
Unfortunately, Caitlin is a Sue so sense is out.
Draco had eaten his entire dinner without looking in Ginny’s direction, yet alone speaking to her. Finally Ginny couldn’t take it any longer. “Draco, we’ve been working together on this staff for over a month and you have avoided me and not spoken with me that entire time. We can’t go on like this.”
Draco looked her directly in the eye. “Precisely why can’t we go on in this manner, Miss Weasley? I would have been quite content if I had lived the remainder of my life without ever seeing your face again. I certainly don’t see the necessity for us to take part in needless banter. Before you suggest it again; no, we can’t just be friends.” Draco left the table without bidding anyone a good evening.
The scene suddenly shifts to this exchange so quickly and tidily it looks as though the author had a checklist for the scene. Discuss Yule Ball: check. Caitlin is a Sue: check. Draco and Ginny fight: check.
Neville who had been seated on the other side of Draco looked incredulously at Ginny. “What’s his problem?”
“He hates me and in all probability always will. Our love gave him the power to betray his father and have the court sentence him to Azkaban, but the legal system also took the family fortune and because of that his mother disowned him. I can understand why he felt deceived when I left him for Harry. I thought that perhaps in time we could at least be friends, but he’s even more bitter now than when we broke up.”
Infodump on Draco/Ginny situation: check.
Neville looked at her sadly. “Is it totally over between you and Harry?”
“It was over before it started. I had been smitten with Harry since I was ten, but when we were finally together I realized that’s all it was; it was never love.”
“What about Harry? He broke up with Hermione to be with you.”
“Physical lust is all it was. When Harry and I were finally together I believe he realized that he lost his true love to be with me. They won’t admit it, but Harry and Hermione love each other. I hope if anyone ever loves me as much as they love each other I will realize it and not be blind like they are to it.”
Yes, I think we get it by now. Harry and Hermione are supposed to be together and everyone thinks so.
Neville looked tenderly at Ginny. “You’re quite beautiful. It’s only a matter of time until someone realizes just how beautiful and wonderful you are.”
“Thank you Neville. You’re sweet. You always have been.”
Is this a foreshadowing for a ship as well?
It was much later that evening when Ginny Weasley found herself climbing the winding staircase that led to the Astronomy Tower. Several years and numerous shattered dreams had pasted since she last ascended those stairs.
Zing!
Ginny had fallen in love with Draco during her forth year. It certainly wasn’t deliberate and it was a romance reminiscent of Romeo and Juliet.
So they were both epically stupid and ended up dead?
Although his father for all his life had physically abused Draco,
No. No, he hadn't. Of course, every paragraph the author spends plagiarising the Draco Trilogy (fittingly, it must be said) is one he's not writing about adults perving over naked underage girls, so that's something.
it was his love for Ginny that lastly gave him the strength to rebuff his father’s evil ways and give the testimony that sent Lucius Malfoy to Azkaban. His mother had disowned him at the time probably more due to the court seizing the family fortune than Draco helping send his father to prison.
Haven't we already had this exposition?
As she lifted the trap door and entered the Astronomy classroom she was startled to find the room was occupied. “Oh! I’m sorry Professor Snape; I didn’t expect to find anyone here.”
Very convenient, because we get to have an expospeak conversation rather than just an expospeak (expothink?) bout of navel-gazing.
“I just came to look at the stars. It’s such a beautiful night. Do you come up here often?”
I know it's probably not meant to be, but that still looks like a chat-up line.
“Whenever I want to talk to her. For some reason I feel so much closer to her here.”
The slight waver in Severus’s voice wasn’t necessary for Ginny to tell how much he missed her older sister. In was all to clear in his eyes. It was the same haunted look that Ginny knew she had when she remembered her family that died that horrible day.
This is random OC sister with absolutely no canon support, who was seeing Snape and, given the author's track record with OCs, was probably a Sue.
“I miss Maggie, too. I miss them both. It just seems so unfair that after all those years I finally got to know my sisters just to have them die in the attack.”
Is this a hint as to how there happened to be two Weasley sisters who were never mentioned or even hinted at in canon? Apparently they came back for the dead.
Monday, October 13, 2003 6:00 PM
Ron nervously knocked on the door of Sam’s apartment. He hadn’t seen her since lunch on the eighth and it was mind-boggling how much he had missed her.
Five days. That's unhealthy. Not to say it doesn't happen, but it's still unhealthy.
Ron had been afraid to be around Sam even during daylight hours on the day of and the days surrounding the full moon. He had always avoided Hermione on these days. It was unbelievable how the sexual craving of a werewolf heightened at that time of the month. No woman, man nor beast was safe, therefore Ron remained medicated and behind locked doors.
Sam had seemed so understanding when he explained all this to her. Ron marveled that this woman seemed to care for him despite his problems. He was quite insecure and not seeing her for four days certainly didn’t make him feel any better.
13-8=4, apparently. The author can look up the correct date for the full moon but not do simple arithmetic.
Ron’s insecurity vanished when the door flew open and Sam wrapped her arms around him. “Ron I’ve missed you so much. Please come in. There’s someone special I want you to meet.”
As Ron entered the room he had to duck to avoid being struck in the nose by a flying Cho Chang action figure.
Three-year summer fics were generally a lot better than today's crop at remembering that Cho exists. Of course, back then we were expecting her to be more significant in canon than she turned out to be. And as she becomes a professional Quidditch player (which was also the fan consensus and ended up becoming canon) it stands to reason there'd be action figures.
Immediately a handsome two year old ran over to him. “Are you Mr. Weasel? My mommy told me you were a great Quidditch player. Will you learn me how to fly?”
Sam shrugged. “I’m sorry Ron. I keep telling him your name is Weasley, but he insists on saying Weasel. Timmy, you are too young for anyone to teach you to fly.”
He sounds a lot older than two, I must say.
The three of them sat and enjoyed a delicious home cooked dinner. It reminded Ron of the wonderful meals his mother used to cook and a tear came to his eye.
It's easy to go overboard with detail, but this is too far to the other extreme. We're not even told what this amazing meal consists of.
It was quite late before they ever thought about sleep. Timmy would have only needed three fingers to count the hours that Sam and Ron sleep their first night together. It would be a night that neither of them would ever forget. Ron had been with more women than he wanted to remember, but it was never like this. At the time he had referred to those joinings as making love when in actuality there was no love involved. His sex organ had controlled all of his previous experience. Tonight his mind was in charge. Tonight he wasn’t having random sex with a groupie. Tonight he was making love to someone quite special. As he laid there caressing her as she drifted off into a pleasant sleep, Ron realized that he had found his love. He had no desire to ever share a bed with anyone else. This was the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. He wanted to raise her son as if he were his own. How will she feel about that? Ron fell asleep and for the first time since he had become a prisoner in Azkaban he had pleasant dreams.
This would actually be quite a well handled scene if it were done with a bit more subtlety. The author seems to understand that it's the kind of situation where an obsessive focus on the specifics of what goes where would detract, which is more than can be said for far too many others. However, he hasn't really shown us what's so amazing about Sam that Ron wants to spend the rest of his life with her despite having known her for barely a month, and the prose has overshot the visible spectrum.
Cut to the morning of the first Quidditch match. The fic actually has a Quidditch scene, which is something we don't see nearly enough, even though it's mainly an excuse to once again show just how utterly perfect Jamie is.
Meanwhile Richard Bancroft, the Slytherin captain, was addressing his team, which was dressed in green. “I’m really tired of losing to Gryffindor. They are a bunch of losers; without Zacherley they don’t stand a chance. Play the game, put on a good show, but our main goal has to be to get that bitch out of the game.” He looked around at the team. “I mean permanently out.”
Beater, Tony Marburger, looked at the dazed expressions on his teammates faces.
“Now lets go out there and beat those f…ing pussies.”
You're kidding, right? With everything else that's in this fic, including the stuff we've not got to yet, the author refuses to type the word "fuck".
Hermione who was seated next to Harry grabbed his arm. “That was done on purpose,” Harry commented. “He was trying to run the point of his broom right into her side.”
Hermione winced with pain just thinking of the possible result.
We've had hints at something called "hyperempathy", which hasn't been fully explored but in its literal sense seems to describe Hermione's reactions to everything quite well.
Caitlin had an extremely worried look on her face. “Amanada is this the way Quidditch is always played?”
“No, Caitlin. Slytherin is on a witch-hunt.
Which, as the first page of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban tells us, means she's in no danger at all and might actually be enjoying herself.
“Watch Jamie’s broom. It’s in perfect synchronism with Bancroft’s. He’s performing some sort of Dark Magic. He’s controlling her broom.”
And let's look at the books again, Philosopher's Stone this time. It's on page 140, just as it was when Deserving had children tampering with brooms, "no kid could do that to a Nimbus Two Thousand." At least Bancroft is old enough that it's plausible that he's able to use controlled magic.
Suddenly the Snitch turned and so did Jamie as Bancoft maintained power over her broom. The speed was increasing. Jamie yelled at Bancroft as they followed the Snitch on a path that would have them collide with one of the viewing towers. Faster and faster they sped. Was he crazy? They were going to hit the tower. At the speed they were traveling they would certainly both be killed. As they got closer and closer to the tower, Jamie realized she was wrong they wouldn’t both be killed. Bancroft would barely brush the side of the tower. She would be the only one killed.
Yay! I wonder whether this is a strange bit of self-awareness on the author's part, realising that the only way he can get readers to side with the insufferable Sue he's created is to give her a rival who tries to kill her over a house Quidditch match. How does he expect to get away with it, anyway?
Continued...
She had been very happy at Harry’s reaction to the news of Caitlin’s adoption. Unlike most of her fellow teachers, he’d seemed genuinely happy and supportive and she couldn’t deny, not that she wanted to, the warm feeling she got inside remembering it.
Though she did wonder what he would think of Caitlin’s surprise from yesterday.
Suddenly Hermione came to a brief stop, and shuddered wondering if Caitlin was planning on visiting her this afternoon, before taking off even quicker than before.
I can't decide whether this is cheating at narration or not: would it have occurred to Hermione that Harry might walk in on Caitlin in a state of undress? In any case, there's no dramatic tension because we know he already has.
Harry froze. He didn’t know what to do. Should he turn and leave? Should he cover his eyes? He did one thing without thinking. Harry turned a bright shade of red, as he stood there frozen.
There are worse ways he could have reacted, especially in this fic.
Harry didn’t know what to say, but he knew standing there, glowing red with a permanent shocked look etched on his face wasn’t the right thing. “No, wait. This is your home now. You have every right to remain as you are. I will wait in the hall until Professor Granger arrives. I’m very sorry that I just burst in like that and humiliated you.” Harry turned to leave.
“Wait, Professor Potter. I’m not the least self-conscious that you saw me like this. Please stay here till Mum arrives.”
She's known Jamie for three weeks, and already she's been persuaded that naturism is The Way Forward™ and is confident being naked in front of a male teacher who also happens to be the saviour of the wizarding world. I can see the Daily Prophet now:
HOGWARTS STUDENT JAILED
A student at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry has been sentenced to life in Azkaban for using the Imperius Curse on her classmates and teachers.
Jamie Zacherley, 15, was found guilty of 9001 counts of using an Unforgivable Curse and one of indecent exposure. The court heard how she used the Imperius Curse in order to, in the words of one victim who wishes to remain anonymous, "make everyone think the sun shines out of her arse." It is not known how she learned the spell, but the Hogwarts governors have promised a full investigation.
Kingsley Shacklebolt, head of the Auror Department, rejected criticism of the harshness of the sentence, insisting in a statement, "If Tom Riddle had been caught so early, who knows how many lives would have been saved? Also, she's totally a Mary Sue."
A toy unicorn owned by Zacherley is being held for further questioning.
Hermione hastily opened the door to her residence and at once saw Harry sitting on the sofa drinking a butter beer. He appeared to be talking to someone who was seated in Hermione’s high back easy chair, but from the door she couldn’t make out who it was. Suddenly Caitlin jumped from the chair and ran to the door to welcome her.
Yes, she's still naked. The fic eventually gets to the point where it's actually safer to assume that everyone is unless told otherwise. There are over a hundred chapters in the Hogwarts Exposed tetralogy. We're on chapter 9, and it keeps getting worse throughout. Think about that for a moment. On second thoughts, don't.
Hermione couldn’t get over the innocence and confidence that Caitlin showed. She’s seen much elder students go quiet in the presence of Harry, even just in the last week. And unlike her daughter they were fully clothed.
They're not Sues though.
Though she still felt a little weird at Caitlin’s choice,
Savour this acknowledgement that it's actually okay to feel weird about people running around naked when you're not used to it, because later on you'll be considered a judgemental prick if the thought crosses your mind for the merest second.
she couldn’t help but be proud at the way her daughter was talking to the most famous wizard in the world, as if he was the guy next door.
Which he kind of is.
Hermione gave Caitlin another hug before they left and Harry gave her a big smile as he said. “I’ll see you in class tomorrow Miss Garrison.”
“Yes Professor, but you won’t see quite as much of me as tonight.” Caitlin had that devilish look in her eye again.
An eleven-year-old girl flirting with her teacher and nobody sees anything wrong with this at all. Fuck this fic.
Caitlin watched the door close and then went to her room to dress for dinner. Mum likes him a lot; I can tell. I wonder if he likes her. What if they got married! Oh! That would be so terrific.
Even the kids ship Harry/Hermione.
As soon as they were out the door Hermione said. “I’m sorry Harry, I didn’t think Caitlin would be there today. I imagine she gave you quite a surprise.”
“That’s an understatement!” Harry exclaimed. “At first I wasn’t certain what to do, but she was so confident and at ease with the situation that she made me feel at ease with it, also. Of course, I have to be truthful. The fact that she is an eleven-year-old girl made managing the fact that she was nude a lot easier.
Keep telling yourself that, Mister Do Kids Today Still Wear Knickers.
Now when she convinces you to practice nudism, I’m not so confident I’ll be quite as at ease.”
Hermione blushed as she hit Harry on the arm. “Don’t hold your breath Mr. Potter. That’s something I can guarantee you wouldn’t see in this lifetime.”
Even if I didn't already know that it happens, I'd probably have been able to guess that this is foreshadowing. Jamie has already managed to convince Caitlin to become a naturist and as I said we're only nine chapters in.
A thankful break from the underage nudity:
Severus Snape rubbed his hand over his face and shook his head. “I can’t believe you two are serious.
Click to viewYou actually expect me to ask the board of governors to appoint Ron Weasley as a replacement for Madam Hooch. Have you forgotten that he is a werewolf?
"Oh yeah, I forgot about that. Completely slipped my mind." Still, he could probably take Quidditch lessons on the night of the full moon and not be any worse than this fic's version of Hooch.
Hermione looked at the Headmaster with annoyance. “Severus, don’t be ridiculous!
Hermione would really talk to Snape like that.
“Lupin was a werewolf and Dumbledore hired him,” Hermione interjected. “He was a wonderful teacher. The fact that Ron is a werewolf should not be held against him and he unquestionably won’t be out evenings for the duration of the full moon. Harry and I will see to that.”
It occurs to me that Remus Lupin isn't the best example to use when trying to convince Snape of all people that it's okay to hire a werewolf. In fact, he's quite possibly the worst.
“Severus, he has served his time. Azkaban changed him considerably. Remember he was a professional Quidditch player and he’s the third member of the Covenant that defeated Voldemort. Many of the governors might be pleased that you secured all three of us as part of your staff,” Harry added.
The Headmaster seemed to be weakening. “I have thought how impressive it would be to have all three of the Covenant members on the staff. Yes, he was an impressive Quidditch player. Will you both consent to stay with him in your Animagi forms during the full moon period?”
Generation Xerox again! I take it Ron is Remus, and Harry is of course James, which would make Hermione Sirius because Peter doesn't exist in fanfic.
If this gets approved, you two will owe me a huge favor, so don’t make any plans for December twenty-seventh.”
Harry looked at Hermione incredulously as she questioned Severus. “That’s the night of the Yule Ball, isn’t it? Can I assume that Harry and I have just volunteered to be the chaperones?”
The Headmaster only smiled and nodded his head.
And we have more clumsy exposition. This fic makes the Yule Ball into an annual event, it seems. I blame Cassandra Claire.
Caitlin’s eyes scanned the common room as she entered through the round hole behind the portrait of the fat lady. As soon as she saw Jamie seated with Alex and Amanda, she ran toward them. “You won’t believe what just happened.”
I certainly don't.
Caitlin’s face glistened.
She's turned into a Meyerpire.
“I had gone up to my mum’s quarter’s this afternoon to hang some poster in my bedroom. You know, I wanted to make it more like homey. As soon as I got there I had undressed. I feel so much more comfortable now without clothes.”
Amanda looked at Jamie. “Are you sure you two aren’t real sisters?”
Having characters point out that their relationship is developing ridiculously quickly doesn't make it any less, well, ridiculous. It just draws attention to it.
“At first he seemed distressed and uneasy. He wanted to leave because he thought he had embarrassed me. Once I told him I was a nudist and that him seeing me unclothed was no huge deal, he was real cool about it. We sat and talked for about fifteen minutes before mum got there. He is really nice. I was so relaxed talking to him that I didn’t even notice the time going by till Mum arrived a little while later.”
The author has really got the hang of portraying how eleven-year-olds talk.
Amanda just sat there shaking her head. “I can’t get over how much you two are similar. Now Professor Potter has seen you both naked.”
Caitlin was startled by this comment. She looked at Jamie. “Professor Potter saw you naked?”
“He wasn’t a Professor at the time. He was just Harry Potter, the boy who lived. Harry Potter was my Knight.” Upon hearing this Caitlin reached out and hugged Jamie.
Again with the overacting. I thought Caitlin was the only person she'd told about her knight, and that he was Harry Potter.
“They have quite a history. Have you ever read Harry Potter, a History?” Jamie inquired.
It comes in seven volumes.
When Ron was sent to Azkaban he felt like his life was over. He had lost his parents at the end of the war, Harry had disappeared to who knew where and he had walked out on the only girl that ever really cared for him. His brothers and sister were disgusted with him and after the incident at the championship game even his groupie “friends” had deserted him. It was a lonely friendless man that had entered Azkaban.
Ron's brothers and sister wouldn't abandon him for anything short of declaring open allegiance with Voldemort.
But when his brothers and sister welcomed him back, and then Hermione and Harry, he could see a little light at the end of the tunnel. It was wonderful to have his two best friends back, but he knew it could never be quite the same. Certainly they could be friends, but they weren’t kids anymore. Harry and Hermione would someday admit they were in love.
Of course they would. If you've not noticed, this is a Harry/Hermione fic.
Then two weeks ago today she walked into his life and finally he had a reason to live.
Because your friends and family mean nothing next to the all-consuming power of the only kind of love that really matters. Ron receives his owl with the job offer, but all isn't rosy because of course...
“Ron, that’s wonderful. You’re going to be part of the Hogwarts staff. I’m so happy for you.” Suddenly Sam realized that Ron didn’t look happy. “Don’t you want to work with your friends?”
“Yes, It’s a dream come true. I love Quidditch and being able to teach young witches and wizards to fly will be wonderful, but….”
“But what?”
“Sam, I look forward to lunch with you. It keeps me going from day to day. I don’t want to give that up.”
“Ron, you’re so sweet. I’ll miss you, too. Maybe we could switch to dinner? Not every night, but once in awhile.”
“You mean like a date. Would you actually go out with me knowing what I am?”
“Only if you promise not to bite.”
If Sam had said something like that two weeks ago, Ron would have stormed out. Now he knew her and had learned to laugh at himself. “I never bite on a first date.”
I like character development. Character development is one of the things that keeps me reading a good story. What we have here is the prose equivalent of a giant neon sign flashing "HEY! LOOK! CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT!" which isn't so great.
“I can’t think of anything you can tell me that is so awful that I wouldn’t want to see you again.”
“Oh! It’s not awful. Not to me anyway, but most wizards are turned off by the situation. Ron, I have a little boy. Timmy was two on April third.”
Before he had been in Azkaban this would have mattered a great deal to Ron. He would have never considered dating a woman that had a child. Four years had matured him.
And again.
Sam blushed with embarrassment. “Ron, he never left me because we were never really together. He doesn’t even know Timmy exists. He was a handsome foreign gentleman that swept a silly country girl off her feet. For three days he treated me like I was a Princess and I thought he was my Prince. On the third night I gave my virginity to him only to awaken and find him gone the next morning.”
Again with the strange focus on the significance of virginity, which looks decidedly out of place in this fic.
Draco Malfoy rushed down the hall toward the Great Hall. He had taken a short nap after his last class and was now late for dinner. As he entered the hall from behind the teachers’ table, the fate he had avoided for five weeks confronted him. The only seat empty at the faculty table was next to Virginia Weasley. Well, Draco. You either sit next to the bitch or go hungry, which will it be? His stomach growled the answer to his question.
I guess Draco doesn't like Ginny. I think they had a messy break-up. It was quite the thing during the three-year summer for Harry/Hermione shippers to get Ginny out of the way by pairing her with Draco, presumably because as they barely interact in canon they can just make the relationship up from scratch. Or because people saw how popular the Draco Trilogy was and decided they wanted a piece of the action. Or both.
“Next I would like to discuss the Yule Ball which will be held this year on December twenty-seventh. As you know the first Yule Ball was held in 1994 as a part of the Triwizard tournament.
The phrase "as you know" should always be treated as a red light when you're writing dialogue.
It became an annual event in 1998 to celebrate the defeat of the Dark Lord Voldemort.
The annual Yule Ball is another Draco Trilogy thing that's since become a cliché, though at least here we see some attempt to justify it.
“This year there will be a slight change. In the past we have limited the event to year four and above. Effective this year it will be open to all students that care to attend. Professors Granger and Potter have graciously volunteered to chaperone.” Harry and Hermione gave each other a knowing glance.
Because we have a first-year Sue, the normal rules have to go out of the window to accommodate her.
Severus looked at Hermione and gave her a brief smile. “I was presented with a formal request which was signed by over one hundred fifty students. The petition applauded the school for holding an annual dance that celebrated the defeat of Voldemort, a Dark Lord who had practiced discrimination against muggles, muggle borns, and anyone not pureblood. At the same time the letter denounced the school for practicing its own form of discrimination by not allowing first, second and third years to attend unless invited.”
This does sound like the kind of thing that children that age might try to get away with, and also the kind of thing that would be laughed off by any adult with any sense.
Hermione was amazed. “I never thought about it before Severus, but they’re correct. Though most of the younger students probably won’t attend, it should be their choice to make, not ours. Whoever started that petition should be commended. Do you have any idea who it was?
Severus now had a huge grin on his face. “Oh! I most certainly do. I believe taking up causes runs in the family. If I’m not mistaken her mother founded a group called S.P.E.W during her fourth year.”
Unfortunately, Caitlin is a Sue so sense is out.
Draco had eaten his entire dinner without looking in Ginny’s direction, yet alone speaking to her. Finally Ginny couldn’t take it any longer. “Draco, we’ve been working together on this staff for over a month and you have avoided me and not spoken with me that entire time. We can’t go on like this.”
Draco looked her directly in the eye. “Precisely why can’t we go on in this manner, Miss Weasley? I would have been quite content if I had lived the remainder of my life without ever seeing your face again. I certainly don’t see the necessity for us to take part in needless banter. Before you suggest it again; no, we can’t just be friends.” Draco left the table without bidding anyone a good evening.
The scene suddenly shifts to this exchange so quickly and tidily it looks as though the author had a checklist for the scene. Discuss Yule Ball: check. Caitlin is a Sue: check. Draco and Ginny fight: check.
Neville who had been seated on the other side of Draco looked incredulously at Ginny. “What’s his problem?”
“He hates me and in all probability always will. Our love gave him the power to betray his father and have the court sentence him to Azkaban, but the legal system also took the family fortune and because of that his mother disowned him. I can understand why he felt deceived when I left him for Harry. I thought that perhaps in time we could at least be friends, but he’s even more bitter now than when we broke up.”
Infodump on Draco/Ginny situation: check.
Neville looked at her sadly. “Is it totally over between you and Harry?”
“It was over before it started. I had been smitten with Harry since I was ten, but when we were finally together I realized that’s all it was; it was never love.”
“What about Harry? He broke up with Hermione to be with you.”
“Physical lust is all it was. When Harry and I were finally together I believe he realized that he lost his true love to be with me. They won’t admit it, but Harry and Hermione love each other. I hope if anyone ever loves me as much as they love each other I will realize it and not be blind like they are to it.”
Yes, I think we get it by now. Harry and Hermione are supposed to be together and everyone thinks so.
Neville looked tenderly at Ginny. “You’re quite beautiful. It’s only a matter of time until someone realizes just how beautiful and wonderful you are.”
“Thank you Neville. You’re sweet. You always have been.”
Is this a foreshadowing for a ship as well?
It was much later that evening when Ginny Weasley found herself climbing the winding staircase that led to the Astronomy Tower. Several years and numerous shattered dreams had pasted since she last ascended those stairs.
Zing!
Ginny had fallen in love with Draco during her forth year. It certainly wasn’t deliberate and it was a romance reminiscent of Romeo and Juliet.
So they were both epically stupid and ended up dead?
Although his father for all his life had physically abused Draco,
No. No, he hadn't. Of course, every paragraph the author spends plagiarising the Draco Trilogy (fittingly, it must be said) is one he's not writing about adults perving over naked underage girls, so that's something.
it was his love for Ginny that lastly gave him the strength to rebuff his father’s evil ways and give the testimony that sent Lucius Malfoy to Azkaban. His mother had disowned him at the time probably more due to the court seizing the family fortune than Draco helping send his father to prison.
Haven't we already had this exposition?
As she lifted the trap door and entered the Astronomy classroom she was startled to find the room was occupied. “Oh! I’m sorry Professor Snape; I didn’t expect to find anyone here.”
Very convenient, because we get to have an expospeak conversation rather than just an expospeak (expothink?) bout of navel-gazing.
“I just came to look at the stars. It’s such a beautiful night. Do you come up here often?”
I know it's probably not meant to be, but that still looks like a chat-up line.
“Whenever I want to talk to her. For some reason I feel so much closer to her here.”
The slight waver in Severus’s voice wasn’t necessary for Ginny to tell how much he missed her older sister. In was all to clear in his eyes. It was the same haunted look that Ginny knew she had when she remembered her family that died that horrible day.
This is random OC sister with absolutely no canon support, who was seeing Snape and, given the author's track record with OCs, was probably a Sue.
“I miss Maggie, too. I miss them both. It just seems so unfair that after all those years I finally got to know my sisters just to have them die in the attack.”
Is this a hint as to how there happened to be two Weasley sisters who were never mentioned or even hinted at in canon? Apparently they came back for the dead.
Monday, October 13, 2003 6:00 PM
Ron nervously knocked on the door of Sam’s apartment. He hadn’t seen her since lunch on the eighth and it was mind-boggling how much he had missed her.
Five days. That's unhealthy. Not to say it doesn't happen, but it's still unhealthy.
Ron had been afraid to be around Sam even during daylight hours on the day of and the days surrounding the full moon. He had always avoided Hermione on these days. It was unbelievable how the sexual craving of a werewolf heightened at that time of the month. No woman, man nor beast was safe, therefore Ron remained medicated and behind locked doors.
Sam had seemed so understanding when he explained all this to her. Ron marveled that this woman seemed to care for him despite his problems. He was quite insecure and not seeing her for four days certainly didn’t make him feel any better.
13-8=4, apparently. The author can look up the correct date for the full moon but not do simple arithmetic.
Ron’s insecurity vanished when the door flew open and Sam wrapped her arms around him. “Ron I’ve missed you so much. Please come in. There’s someone special I want you to meet.”
As Ron entered the room he had to duck to avoid being struck in the nose by a flying Cho Chang action figure.
Three-year summer fics were generally a lot better than today's crop at remembering that Cho exists. Of course, back then we were expecting her to be more significant in canon than she turned out to be. And as she becomes a professional Quidditch player (which was also the fan consensus and ended up becoming canon) it stands to reason there'd be action figures.
Immediately a handsome two year old ran over to him. “Are you Mr. Weasel? My mommy told me you were a great Quidditch player. Will you learn me how to fly?”
Sam shrugged. “I’m sorry Ron. I keep telling him your name is Weasley, but he insists on saying Weasel. Timmy, you are too young for anyone to teach you to fly.”
He sounds a lot older than two, I must say.
The three of them sat and enjoyed a delicious home cooked dinner. It reminded Ron of the wonderful meals his mother used to cook and a tear came to his eye.
It's easy to go overboard with detail, but this is too far to the other extreme. We're not even told what this amazing meal consists of.
It was quite late before they ever thought about sleep. Timmy would have only needed three fingers to count the hours that Sam and Ron sleep their first night together. It would be a night that neither of them would ever forget. Ron had been with more women than he wanted to remember, but it was never like this. At the time he had referred to those joinings as making love when in actuality there was no love involved. His sex organ had controlled all of his previous experience. Tonight his mind was in charge. Tonight he wasn’t having random sex with a groupie. Tonight he was making love to someone quite special. As he laid there caressing her as she drifted off into a pleasant sleep, Ron realized that he had found his love. He had no desire to ever share a bed with anyone else. This was the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. He wanted to raise her son as if he were his own. How will she feel about that? Ron fell asleep and for the first time since he had become a prisoner in Azkaban he had pleasant dreams.
This would actually be quite a well handled scene if it were done with a bit more subtlety. The author seems to understand that it's the kind of situation where an obsessive focus on the specifics of what goes where would detract, which is more than can be said for far too many others. However, he hasn't really shown us what's so amazing about Sam that Ron wants to spend the rest of his life with her despite having known her for barely a month, and the prose has overshot the visible spectrum.
Cut to the morning of the first Quidditch match. The fic actually has a Quidditch scene, which is something we don't see nearly enough, even though it's mainly an excuse to once again show just how utterly perfect Jamie is.
Meanwhile Richard Bancroft, the Slytherin captain, was addressing his team, which was dressed in green. “I’m really tired of losing to Gryffindor. They are a bunch of losers; without Zacherley they don’t stand a chance. Play the game, put on a good show, but our main goal has to be to get that bitch out of the game.” He looked around at the team. “I mean permanently out.”
Beater, Tony Marburger, looked at the dazed expressions on his teammates faces.
“Now lets go out there and beat those f…ing pussies.”
You're kidding, right? With everything else that's in this fic, including the stuff we've not got to yet, the author refuses to type the word "fuck".
Hermione who was seated next to Harry grabbed his arm. “That was done on purpose,” Harry commented. “He was trying to run the point of his broom right into her side.”
Hermione winced with pain just thinking of the possible result.
We've had hints at something called "hyperempathy", which hasn't been fully explored but in its literal sense seems to describe Hermione's reactions to everything quite well.
Caitlin had an extremely worried look on her face. “Amanada is this the way Quidditch is always played?”
“No, Caitlin. Slytherin is on a witch-hunt.
Which, as the first page of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban tells us, means she's in no danger at all and might actually be enjoying herself.
“Watch Jamie’s broom. It’s in perfect synchronism with Bancroft’s. He’s performing some sort of Dark Magic. He’s controlling her broom.”
And let's look at the books again, Philosopher's Stone this time. It's on page 140, just as it was when Deserving had children tampering with brooms, "no kid could do that to a Nimbus Two Thousand." At least Bancroft is old enough that it's plausible that he's able to use controlled magic.
Suddenly the Snitch turned and so did Jamie as Bancoft maintained power over her broom. The speed was increasing. Jamie yelled at Bancroft as they followed the Snitch on a path that would have them collide with one of the viewing towers. Faster and faster they sped. Was he crazy? They were going to hit the tower. At the speed they were traveling they would certainly both be killed. As they got closer and closer to the tower, Jamie realized she was wrong they wouldn’t both be killed. Bancroft would barely brush the side of the tower. She would be the only one killed.
Yay! I wonder whether this is a strange bit of self-awareness on the author's part, realising that the only way he can get readers to side with the insufferable Sue he's created is to give her a rival who tries to kill her over a house Quidditch match. How does he expect to get away with it, anyway?
Continued...