Hogwarts Exposed Chapter 6
In which far too much attention is paid to young girls with no knickers on.
Jamie looked toward the Castle door; an appearance of disillusionment was in her eyes.
So presumably there was a mirror in the door?
Just as Hermione was about to start pairing people off, the castle door burst open and ten Gryffindor first years ran out to join them. “I’m sorry we’re late Professor Granger!” Caitlin shouted. “Some people have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning.” Her eyes fixed on Matt Hallowell.
Hermione looked at the Gryffindor’s in amazement.
At the Gryffindor's what? On second thoughts, I don't want to know.
Hermione face broke into a huge smile. Someone in this class is definitely a strong organizer and motivator.
Caitlin looked in Jamie’s direction and was rewarded with a smile that had “way to go girl’ printed all over it.
Just to prove that Jamie doesn't have the monopoly on Sueness.
“Since we have a lot of new members this mornings I suggest each person who has experience pair off with a new runner to help them with the calisthenics?”
Hermione’s proposal was meet with varied emotions. Draco was not pleased. He had hoped to pair himself with Hermione. He rather liked watching her do her exercises close up.
Of course he did. When did Draco become such a lecherous creep?
Harry was grateful. He was worried he would be paired with Jamie once more. It wasn’t that Harry didn’t like Jamie. Actually the contrary was true; he thought she was a fantastic girl and exceedingly good-looking.
Draco actually got off lightly, because at least he's not an ephebophile. Yet. Things get even more disturbing now as Harry looks at Caitlin (who's eleven, remember - the author seems to have realised that she couldn't have been twelve at the start of the school year) and thinks how much she reminds him of Hermione when they first met. Yeah. Excuse me a minute...
Fuck this fic.
As everyone stood and listened to Hermione give the same instructions about running as she gave the previous day; Harry was deep in thought. Am I turning into a pervert?
Yes.
Two days, two girls without knickers. Maybe I better play it safe and exercise with Draco tomorrow. Suddenly Harry had a horrible vision and quickly decided he would take his chances and stick with girls as partners.
Why was this eleven-year-old girl (did I mention that?) not wearing knickers, I hear you ask?
As Jamie, Alex and Amanada entered the Great Hall for dinner, Caitlin got out of her seat and hurried over to Jamie. “May I speak with you a minute?”
“Sure. Alex, Amanda, save me a seat; I’ll be right back. What’s up Caitlin?”
Caitlin looked about to make sure no one was listening and then in a soft voice said. “Jamie, I tried it today. I don’t have any knickers on.”
Jamie smiled at the younger girl. “You know I’m beginning to think you are serious about wanting to give naturism a try. How did it go? How does it feel?”
We get more of the author infodumping about the joys of naturism, as though trying to convince the readers that this isn't porn, honest.
“It is a great feeling. Now you know why I never wear them. Going nude, however, is a much bigger step then going without under clothing. People might not realize you don’t have knickers on, but they will certainly know when your naked.”
O RLY.
“My dorm mates said it okay for you to be nude there, although they did tease me about starting my own nudist camp. Hey, by the way, how did you get all the Gryffindor’s to come running this morning?”
“It was simple. I just told them you would be there and that Professor Granger was in charge. They all love you and think Professor Granger is really nice. Are you and the professor related? You look so much alike.”
You don't say. I'd never have guessed that she was supposed to resemble Hermione in any way.
“You could easily pass for sisters. I have to get back to my friends. I just wanted you to know that I’m chucking all my knickers in the trash.”
We don't typically say "in the trash" in the UK, for the record.
Harry suffered through yet another conversation about tealeaves and Tarot cards. He didn’t know how many more meals he could handle sitting next to these two ridiculous women. I must have been crazy. What did I ever see in Ginny Weasley?
Yay character bashing! Speaking of which, there's even more expospeak letting us know that:
“Oh! They are fine. They wrote me about Ron. Did you know he was getting out of Azkaban next Wednesday?”
Hermione face grew pale. “Ginny mentioned it on the train ride. I understand he is going to run their Hogsmeade store.”
Which we'd already been told.
“That’s correct. He gets out on the tenth, but that is a full moon.
It actually was, apparently.
He’s going to stay at the Burrow with George and Fred and then start at the store on the fifteenth. Herm, how do you feel about Ron and his living here in Hogsmeade?”
"Herm" is marginally better than "Mione".
Hermione realize she was taking her anger out on the wrong person. “I’m sorry, Harry. I didn’t mean to yell at you. I don’t want to lose you again either. It’s just that Ron treated me so rotten. He never called. He never even bothered to break up with me. He just started sleeping with every girl that threw her knickers in his direction.
According to TVTropes, Hogwarts Exposed werewolves get insanely horny as part of the curse and presumably that's why Ron is a philanderer. I guess it's something that his alternative characterisation has a single cause rather than the author just randomly deciding to give him two unrelated character flaws.
Girls threw knickers at Ron. “So they still do make knickers?”
“Of course, they still make knickers.” Hermione looked at Harry as if he had lost his mind. “What made you ask such a bizarre question?”
"Because I was perving on my underage students! Why do you ask?"
Thankfully the conversation moves away from that and onto telling us more about Harry's time in the unaccountably uncapitalised Muggle world.
“Harry were you in the muggle world the entire five years? What did you do to support yourself?”
Harry face reddened. “Yes, I was a muggle for five years. Left my wand with Sirius.
Who's not dead, because this was written before Order of the Phoenix.
Five years with no magic.” It was five lonely years without your beautiful face. You can’t possibly imagine how much I’ve missed you.
Do you suppose he likes her?
“Does the phrase, ‘Would you like fries with that’, ring a bell?”
“Oh! Harry. You spent five years selling hamburgers.”
“That and equally glamorous jobs. The last year I worked doing landscaping. That I actually enjoyed.”
Hermione smiled. “I remember you were doing that the summer after our forth year when I came to live with you at the Dursley’s.
I don't know if that's from Hogwarts Exposed itself or the fic it was a fanfic of, but I'd be curious as to how exactly Hermione came to be staying at the Dursleys.
Harry looked at her, his heart breaking because he loved her so much.
The Jaiden Lee Malfoy approach to characters falling in love.
We get a cutaway to the Omniscient Council of Vagueness to remind us that yes, despite appearances, this fic does still have a plot.
“Great One, the Weasel was released from Azkaban on the 10th. He is moving to Hogsmeade. What if the friendship between him and Granger and Potter is reestablished? If the Great Lord Voldemort was unable to defeat the Covenant of three, what chance will we have?”
“Voldemort was a fool to take on all three. What is that trite muggle phrase? ‘United we stand, divided we fall.’ We will divide them. The pigeon will either see the light and join us or die before we see the start of a new year.”
Suitably cryptic. I'm guessing one of them is the still-absent Hooch, unless she's off somewhere feasting on nipples. On which topic:
“No, no. Jamie I want to do it. I’m excited about it. Actually I’ve been looking forward to it. It’s just that….”
“Just that what?
“Its just that you’re so pretty and have such a great body and I’m so skinny and my chest looks like a piece of cardboard with two nipples pasted on it. You won’t laugh at me will you?”
“I would never laugh at you. True naturists look past the physical body and at the person inside. Being a nudist isn’t about checking people out and comparing bodies. Physical appearance and sex are not a part on being a naturist. We feel that nudity is just another aspect of the lives of very normal people. A desire to be naked is not perverse or wrong but a perfectly natural feeling that one should not feel ashamed to explore.”
I doubt this fic is actually going to do much with naturist philosophy beyond acknowledge its existence.
“Actually I don’t have any idea. Growing up as a nudist, most of our vacations were to places where we could be nude. I can’t remember my first time nude outside. I can, however, remember the first time I went hiking nude near home.”
A tremendously long anecdote follows. It reads like a written account rather than dialogue, which probably means it is the actual written account the author credits in his endnote. This isn't quite plagiarism, but can see it on a clear day.
“I have an idea!” Lisa announced. “Let’s play a game of Wizard Monopoly.”
How does wizard Monopoly differ from the Muggle version? We never find out.
Caitlin wasn’t sure what to do so she looked at Jamie for guidance. Jamie nodded for her to go ahead with her question. The other girls all gathered around in anticipation. “You said you never wear any knickers, but yet you wear mini skirts. Aren’t you concerned you will give a show?”
The other girl looked back and forth at each other. They wanted to hear the answer to this question, too. “I prefer skirts to jeans for the same reason that I don’t wear knickers. I like the freedom. I like the feel of the air on my vagina.
Aha! Mary Sue isn't quite perfect, because she doesn't know the difference between a vulva and a vagina. Another anecdote:
“What happened?” Caitlin asked.
“It was June of our 3rd year. The temperature was predicted to be in the high nineties, so I had worn as little as possible under my robes.
It doesn't get that hot in Scotland, and as I pointed out last time the weather was discussed she'd be more likely to be using Celsius. Anyway, the anecdote ends and hilarity ensues as Caitlin nearly goes down to the common room with nothing on. Jamie assures her that this is a good sign, that she's comfortable with it and well on the way to becoming a proper naturist after the very first time she's naked in other people's company, which in the context of this fic makes her a Sue.
Continued...
Jamie looked toward the Castle door; an appearance of disillusionment was in her eyes.
So presumably there was a mirror in the door?
Just as Hermione was about to start pairing people off, the castle door burst open and ten Gryffindor first years ran out to join them. “I’m sorry we’re late Professor Granger!” Caitlin shouted. “Some people have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning.” Her eyes fixed on Matt Hallowell.
Hermione looked at the Gryffindor’s in amazement.
At the Gryffindor's what? On second thoughts, I don't want to know.
Hermione face broke into a huge smile. Someone in this class is definitely a strong organizer and motivator.
Caitlin looked in Jamie’s direction and was rewarded with a smile that had “way to go girl’ printed all over it.
Just to prove that Jamie doesn't have the monopoly on Sueness.
“Since we have a lot of new members this mornings I suggest each person who has experience pair off with a new runner to help them with the calisthenics?”
Hermione’s proposal was meet with varied emotions. Draco was not pleased. He had hoped to pair himself with Hermione. He rather liked watching her do her exercises close up.
Of course he did. When did Draco become such a lecherous creep?
Harry was grateful. He was worried he would be paired with Jamie once more. It wasn’t that Harry didn’t like Jamie. Actually the contrary was true; he thought she was a fantastic girl and exceedingly good-looking.
Draco actually got off lightly, because at least he's not an ephebophile. Yet. Things get even more disturbing now as Harry looks at Caitlin (who's eleven, remember - the author seems to have realised that she couldn't have been twelve at the start of the school year) and thinks how much she reminds him of Hermione when they first met. Yeah. Excuse me a minute...
Fuck this fic.
As everyone stood and listened to Hermione give the same instructions about running as she gave the previous day; Harry was deep in thought. Am I turning into a pervert?
Yes.
Two days, two girls without knickers. Maybe I better play it safe and exercise with Draco tomorrow. Suddenly Harry had a horrible vision and quickly decided he would take his chances and stick with girls as partners.
Why was this eleven-year-old girl (did I mention that?) not wearing knickers, I hear you ask?
As Jamie, Alex and Amanada entered the Great Hall for dinner, Caitlin got out of her seat and hurried over to Jamie. “May I speak with you a minute?”
“Sure. Alex, Amanda, save me a seat; I’ll be right back. What’s up Caitlin?”
Caitlin looked about to make sure no one was listening and then in a soft voice said. “Jamie, I tried it today. I don’t have any knickers on.”
Jamie smiled at the younger girl. “You know I’m beginning to think you are serious about wanting to give naturism a try. How did it go? How does it feel?”
We get more of the author infodumping about the joys of naturism, as though trying to convince the readers that this isn't porn, honest.
“It is a great feeling. Now you know why I never wear them. Going nude, however, is a much bigger step then going without under clothing. People might not realize you don’t have knickers on, but they will certainly know when your naked.”
O RLY.
“My dorm mates said it okay for you to be nude there, although they did tease me about starting my own nudist camp. Hey, by the way, how did you get all the Gryffindor’s to come running this morning?”
“It was simple. I just told them you would be there and that Professor Granger was in charge. They all love you and think Professor Granger is really nice. Are you and the professor related? You look so much alike.”
You don't say. I'd never have guessed that she was supposed to resemble Hermione in any way.
“You could easily pass for sisters. I have to get back to my friends. I just wanted you to know that I’m chucking all my knickers in the trash.”
We don't typically say "in the trash" in the UK, for the record.
Harry suffered through yet another conversation about tealeaves and Tarot cards. He didn’t know how many more meals he could handle sitting next to these two ridiculous women. I must have been crazy. What did I ever see in Ginny Weasley?
Yay character bashing! Speaking of which, there's even more expospeak letting us know that:
“Oh! They are fine. They wrote me about Ron. Did you know he was getting out of Azkaban next Wednesday?”
Hermione face grew pale. “Ginny mentioned it on the train ride. I understand he is going to run their Hogsmeade store.”
Which we'd already been told.
“That’s correct. He gets out on the tenth, but that is a full moon.
It actually was, apparently.
He’s going to stay at the Burrow with George and Fred and then start at the store on the fifteenth. Herm, how do you feel about Ron and his living here in Hogsmeade?”
"Herm" is marginally better than "Mione".
Hermione realize she was taking her anger out on the wrong person. “I’m sorry, Harry. I didn’t mean to yell at you. I don’t want to lose you again either. It’s just that Ron treated me so rotten. He never called. He never even bothered to break up with me. He just started sleeping with every girl that threw her knickers in his direction.
According to TVTropes, Hogwarts Exposed werewolves get insanely horny as part of the curse and presumably that's why Ron is a philanderer. I guess it's something that his alternative characterisation has a single cause rather than the author just randomly deciding to give him two unrelated character flaws.
Girls threw knickers at Ron. “So they still do make knickers?”
“Of course, they still make knickers.” Hermione looked at Harry as if he had lost his mind. “What made you ask such a bizarre question?”
"Because I was perving on my underage students! Why do you ask?"
Thankfully the conversation moves away from that and onto telling us more about Harry's time in the unaccountably uncapitalised Muggle world.
“Harry were you in the muggle world the entire five years? What did you do to support yourself?”
Harry face reddened. “Yes, I was a muggle for five years. Left my wand with Sirius.
Who's not dead, because this was written before Order of the Phoenix.
Five years with no magic.” It was five lonely years without your beautiful face. You can’t possibly imagine how much I’ve missed you.
Do you suppose he likes her?
“Does the phrase, ‘Would you like fries with that’, ring a bell?”
“Oh! Harry. You spent five years selling hamburgers.”
“That and equally glamorous jobs. The last year I worked doing landscaping. That I actually enjoyed.”
Hermione smiled. “I remember you were doing that the summer after our forth year when I came to live with you at the Dursley’s.
I don't know if that's from Hogwarts Exposed itself or the fic it was a fanfic of, but I'd be curious as to how exactly Hermione came to be staying at the Dursleys.
Harry looked at her, his heart breaking because he loved her so much.
The Jaiden Lee Malfoy approach to characters falling in love.
We get a cutaway to the Omniscient Council of Vagueness to remind us that yes, despite appearances, this fic does still have a plot.
“Great One, the Weasel was released from Azkaban on the 10th. He is moving to Hogsmeade. What if the friendship between him and Granger and Potter is reestablished? If the Great Lord Voldemort was unable to defeat the Covenant of three, what chance will we have?”
“Voldemort was a fool to take on all three. What is that trite muggle phrase? ‘United we stand, divided we fall.’ We will divide them. The pigeon will either see the light and join us or die before we see the start of a new year.”
Suitably cryptic. I'm guessing one of them is the still-absent Hooch, unless she's off somewhere feasting on nipples. On which topic:
“No, no. Jamie I want to do it. I’m excited about it. Actually I’ve been looking forward to it. It’s just that….”
“Just that what?
“Its just that you’re so pretty and have such a great body and I’m so skinny and my chest looks like a piece of cardboard with two nipples pasted on it. You won’t laugh at me will you?”
“I would never laugh at you. True naturists look past the physical body and at the person inside. Being a nudist isn’t about checking people out and comparing bodies. Physical appearance and sex are not a part on being a naturist. We feel that nudity is just another aspect of the lives of very normal people. A desire to be naked is not perverse or wrong but a perfectly natural feeling that one should not feel ashamed to explore.”
I doubt this fic is actually going to do much with naturist philosophy beyond acknowledge its existence.
“Actually I don’t have any idea. Growing up as a nudist, most of our vacations were to places where we could be nude. I can’t remember my first time nude outside. I can, however, remember the first time I went hiking nude near home.”
A tremendously long anecdote follows. It reads like a written account rather than dialogue, which probably means it is the actual written account the author credits in his endnote. This isn't quite plagiarism, but can see it on a clear day.
“I have an idea!” Lisa announced. “Let’s play a game of Wizard Monopoly.”
How does wizard Monopoly differ from the Muggle version? We never find out.
Caitlin wasn’t sure what to do so she looked at Jamie for guidance. Jamie nodded for her to go ahead with her question. The other girls all gathered around in anticipation. “You said you never wear any knickers, but yet you wear mini skirts. Aren’t you concerned you will give a show?”
The other girl looked back and forth at each other. They wanted to hear the answer to this question, too. “I prefer skirts to jeans for the same reason that I don’t wear knickers. I like the freedom. I like the feel of the air on my vagina.
Aha! Mary Sue isn't quite perfect, because she doesn't know the difference between a vulva and a vagina. Another anecdote:
“What happened?” Caitlin asked.
“It was June of our 3rd year. The temperature was predicted to be in the high nineties, so I had worn as little as possible under my robes.
It doesn't get that hot in Scotland, and as I pointed out last time the weather was discussed she'd be more likely to be using Celsius. Anyway, the anecdote ends and hilarity ensues as Caitlin nearly goes down to the common room with nothing on. Jamie assures her that this is a good sign, that she's comfortable with it and well on the way to becoming a proper naturist after the very first time she's naked in other people's company, which in the context of this fic makes her a Sue.
Continued...