Phantom Knight Chapter 2
~morning~ [Show, don't tell. If you want to let us know it's morning, write some description conveying this fact.]
"Why are we delivering food to Squall again?" (space) Zell asked, looking at Selphie and holding a tray loaded down with food. [Capital letters go at the beginning of names and sentences.]
"Because I feel bad about pestering them and I wanna check up on them and besides the class is tomorrow and I want to make sure Seifer is going to go!" Selphie answers once more. [I'll excuse the run-on sentence here only because it's Selphie and I can see her talking like that.] Goodness, the blonde Zell [He's got a name. Use it.] couldn't remember a thing, could he?! How he ever passed his test, Selphie just didn't know.
"Well... Let me call in then." Irvine said to break that up. He hits the com system and it dinged before he talked into it. [Why has the story suddenly gone into the present tense?] "Hey, Seifer and Squall! We got a delivery of goods for ya'll, better come and get it quick before the goddess opens the door with her override codes!" [I know Irvine wears a cowboy hat, but I'm not sure he talks like one.] he said, grinning before getting beat away by Selphie Selphie beat him away. [Unnecessary passive voice.] "Seifer!! [Seify my arse. He missiled her home, remember? By rights she should have killed him already.] Squall! Open the door; the food's getting cold!" she hollered.
Seifer groans and turns onto his side then frowns. His chest and torsoe [Who let Dan Quayle in?] were covered in Squall's sticky seed still. [Oh, ick. Did we really need to know that?] He grinned and kissed Squall (no comma) deeply to wake him up. [His chest is part of his torso, by the way. You don't need to say his chest and torso.]
Squall whined a little, (space) sleepily kissing him back, eyes blinking slowly pulling away."Was that Irvine I heard?" (space) he asked, sitting up, (space) looking at the blond Seifer (space) a slow, (space) pleased smile crossing his lips at the sight of him still covered in his seed. [We didn't need this once, let alone twice. I can take or leave the run-on sentence.]
"Take a look at your chest, sunshine. [I'm not sure Seifer talks like that, but as he and everyone else has been OOC throughout it's hard to say.] Take care of them; I'm taking a shower," Seifer said, getting up and walking to the bathroom fully nude and fully comfortable with it. [How do we know? This scene isn't in his POV, so unless Squall is telepathic he doesn't know how comfortable Seifer is. He might be able to guess, in which case make this clear, but this being Squall I doubt even that.] He wets a wrag and tossed it out at Squall before closing the door. Since he had been back these three days, [Apostrophes do not go in plurals!] he had taken a shower every morning. [Which is probably just as well.]
Squall smiled a little as he cleaned up,going to and got out of bed, (space) a pained groan crossing his lips as he straightened up. (space) Slouching a little, ["A little" appears a lot. Reconsider.] He tugged on a pair of sweat-pants and one of his hoodies, (space) which he didn't wear a (space) lot but he didn't want his friends to notice he was limping. Heading towards the door, he braced himself. He opened the door and smiled a little at the pilot Selphie. [She's not piloting anything in this scene, so calling her "the pilot" is a non sequitur.] "And you felt the need to bring me food because....?" [Squall is talking like he's just stepped off the set of Friends because...?]
"Because Selphie felt bad about pestering you guys and wanted to check up on you and make sure Seifer was still coming to class tommorow tomorrow." (space) Zell grinned, (space) looking at the smaller woman Selphie, [She's the only woman in this scene.] making sure he didn't forget anything.
"Yes, and why are you in Seifer's room's?!" [His room's what?] Selphie asked, walking in. She pushed Squall out of the way. "Hurry up and put the food on the table!" she said to the two taller men behind her. [I don't even know which two she's talking about. Please use their names.]
Irvine gives gave Squall a watered-down grin. Everyone knew he was helpless against the little woman's commands (no comma) and domination.
This may be the last update for a while. I'm on holiday in Krakow for a week starting tomorrow, so I'll probably not have time for full-scale updates. I should get Deserving Chapter 33 sorted out when I get back. Other than that, you might see me out and about on the usual comms but also less than usual.
"Why are we delivering food to Squall again?" (space) Zell asked, looking at Selphie and holding a tray loaded down with food. [Capital letters go at the beginning of names and sentences.]
"Because I feel bad about pestering them and I wanna check up on them and besides the class is tomorrow and I want to make sure Seifer is going to go!" Selphie answers once more. [I'll excuse the run-on sentence here only because it's Selphie and I can see her talking like that.] Goodness, the blonde Zell [He's got a name. Use it.] couldn't remember a thing, could he?! How he ever passed his test, Selphie just didn't know.
"Well... Let me call in then." Irvine said to break that up. He hits the com system and it dinged before he talked into it. [Why has the story suddenly gone into the present tense?] "Hey, Seifer and Squall! We got a delivery of goods for ya'll, better come and get it quick before the goddess opens the door with her override codes!" [I know Irvine wears a cowboy hat, but I'm not sure he talks like one.] he said, grinning before getting beat away by Selphie Selphie beat him away. [Unnecessary passive voice.] "Seifer!! [Seify my arse. He missiled her home, remember? By rights she should have killed him already.] Squall! Open the door; the food's getting cold!" she hollered.
Seifer groans and turns onto his side then frowns. His chest and torsoe [Who let Dan Quayle in?] were covered in Squall's sticky seed still. [Oh, ick. Did we really need to know that?] He grinned and kissed Squall (no comma) deeply to wake him up. [His chest is part of his torso, by the way. You don't need to say his chest and torso.]
Squall whined a little, (space) sleepily kissing him back, eyes blinking slowly pulling away."Was that Irvine I heard?" (space) he asked, sitting up, (space) looking at the blond Seifer (space) a slow, (space) pleased smile crossing his lips at the sight of him still covered in his seed. [We didn't need this once, let alone twice. I can take or leave the run-on sentence.]
"Take a look at your chest, sunshine. [I'm not sure Seifer talks like that, but as he and everyone else has been OOC throughout it's hard to say.] Take care of them; I'm taking a shower," Seifer said, getting up and walking to the bathroom fully nude and fully comfortable with it. [How do we know? This scene isn't in his POV, so unless Squall is telepathic he doesn't know how comfortable Seifer is. He might be able to guess, in which case make this clear, but this being Squall I doubt even that.] He wets a wrag and tossed it out at Squall before closing the door. Since he had been back these three days, [Apostrophes do not go in plurals!] he had taken a shower every morning. [Which is probably just as well.]
Squall smiled a little as he cleaned up,going to and got out of bed, (space) a pained groan crossing his lips as he straightened up. (space) Slouching a little, ["A little" appears a lot. Reconsider.] He tugged on a pair of sweat-pants and one of his hoodies, (space) which he didn't wear a (space) lot but he didn't want his friends to notice he was limping. Heading towards the door, he braced himself. He opened the door and smiled a little at the pilot Selphie. [She's not piloting anything in this scene, so calling her "the pilot" is a non sequitur.] "And you felt the need to bring me food because....?" [Squall is talking like he's just stepped off the set of Friends because...?]
"Because Selphie felt bad about pestering you guys and wanted to check up on you and make sure Seifer was still coming to class tommorow tomorrow." (space) Zell grinned, (space) looking at the smaller woman Selphie, [She's the only woman in this scene.] making sure he didn't forget anything.
"Yes, and why are you in Seifer's room's?!" [His room's what?] Selphie asked, walking in. She pushed Squall out of the way. "Hurry up and put the food on the table!" she said to the two taller men behind her. [I don't even know which two she's talking about. Please use their names.]
Irvine gives gave Squall a watered-down grin. Everyone knew he was helpless against the little woman's commands (no comma) and domination.
This may be the last update for a while. I'm on holiday in Krakow for a week starting tomorrow, so I'll probably not have time for full-scale updates. I should get Deserving Chapter 33 sorted out when I get back. Other than that, you might see me out and about on the usual comms but also less than usual.