Charlotte, NCAAMFT Conference
My first Professional Conference
What an experience it was.
I got to say and the extra swanky Hilton hotel in Charlotte last weekend for their yearly MFT conference. Dr. Susan Johnson was the speaker who hails from England originally and currently resides in Canada. She is the creater of the Emotion Focused Therapy model for couples. It deals with the power of attachment between two people (not necessarily just significant others, it can also be parent and child) Gay couples included.
Here's the EFT website if you are interested: http://www.eft.ca/
So what did I learn you ask?
I'm going to tell you because it was such a wealth of knowledge that I need to share.
1. Isolation is worse for your health than smoking
2. holding hands in a happy relationship is scientifically proven to calm jittery nerves
3. In a successful relationship, it wasn't the number of fights or the seriousness of them, but the ability to reconnect with each other afterwards.
4. "Resolve to be tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant with the weak and wrong. Sometime in your life you will have been all of these" Lloyd Sheror
5. No matter what the content of the conversation is, the tone always takes precidence.
6. Love is closeness and connection, and safe and danger all wrapped up
7. It's impossible to fight well alone
8. When you are securly connected, sex is play
9. Where else in our society do men get to be held, touched, and vulnerable besides during sex?
10. If you don't know where you're going, you'll end up somewhere else
11. "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk to blossom" Anais Nin
12. An attachment injury occurs in a relationship when a betrayal of trust/abandonment at a crucial time of need.
13. When you squish your emotions you have a more physiological response in both yourself and in your partner. (so not only do you get upset but so does your significant other)
14. As a therapist you have a 20watt lightbulb to shine in the pit of a person's shame but the significant other is a stadium floodlight.
15. Incest survivors say their significant other knows about their incest, no they don't, they know a small cleaned up version. But if they did disclose their full feelings of shame and guilt they "know" that their partner will blame them and tell them they were a "sexy little girl" and brought it on themselves. But when they look into their partner's face and see all the caring, love and sadness of what happened, its much more powerful than anything done in a therapy session. (this does have to happen more than once)
16. A relationship is about what kind of connection you can achieve, who you are and who I am, what you're worth and what I'm worth, whether I'm alone in life and how lovable I am.
17. Genetics loads the gun, its the enviroment that pulls the trigger
18. 85% of people diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder are really suffering from Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (they are violated by a primary attachment figure)
19. Oxytocin = the cuddle chemical, released when your partner hugs you and also released when you breastfeed
20. When asking something and it's too big of a stretch/leap, slice it thinner. For example "I see tears in your eyes when you talk about that" "no It's not tears!" "Ah I see, right, it's water on your cheek"
As you can tell I learned a lot (and thats not even 1/3 of what I have in notes and handouts). I'm thinking that I really want to go up to Dr. Johnson's institute in Ottawah, or maybe even a workshop. I'm going to start using this with my couples because until now I was really sort of struggling with where to start with them.
What an experience it was.
I got to say and the extra swanky Hilton hotel in Charlotte last weekend for their yearly MFT conference. Dr. Susan Johnson was the speaker who hails from England originally and currently resides in Canada. She is the creater of the Emotion Focused Therapy model for couples. It deals with the power of attachment between two people (not necessarily just significant others, it can also be parent and child) Gay couples included.
Here's the EFT website if you are interested: http://www.eft.ca/
So what did I learn you ask?
I'm going to tell you because it was such a wealth of knowledge that I need to share.
1. Isolation is worse for your health than smoking
2. holding hands in a happy relationship is scientifically proven to calm jittery nerves
3. In a successful relationship, it wasn't the number of fights or the seriousness of them, but the ability to reconnect with each other afterwards.
4. "Resolve to be tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant with the weak and wrong. Sometime in your life you will have been all of these" Lloyd Sheror
5. No matter what the content of the conversation is, the tone always takes precidence.
6. Love is closeness and connection, and safe and danger all wrapped up
7. It's impossible to fight well alone
8. When you are securly connected, sex is play
9. Where else in our society do men get to be held, touched, and vulnerable besides during sex?
10. If you don't know where you're going, you'll end up somewhere else
11. "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk to blossom" Anais Nin
12. An attachment injury occurs in a relationship when a betrayal of trust/abandonment at a crucial time of need.
13. When you squish your emotions you have a more physiological response in both yourself and in your partner. (so not only do you get upset but so does your significant other)
14. As a therapist you have a 20watt lightbulb to shine in the pit of a person's shame but the significant other is a stadium floodlight.
15. Incest survivors say their significant other knows about their incest, no they don't, they know a small cleaned up version. But if they did disclose their full feelings of shame and guilt they "know" that their partner will blame them and tell them they were a "sexy little girl" and brought it on themselves. But when they look into their partner's face and see all the caring, love and sadness of what happened, its much more powerful than anything done in a therapy session. (this does have to happen more than once)
16. A relationship is about what kind of connection you can achieve, who you are and who I am, what you're worth and what I'm worth, whether I'm alone in life and how lovable I am.
17. Genetics loads the gun, its the enviroment that pulls the trigger
18. 85% of people diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder are really suffering from Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (they are violated by a primary attachment figure)
19. Oxytocin = the cuddle chemical, released when your partner hugs you and also released when you breastfeed
20. When asking something and it's too big of a stretch/leap, slice it thinner. For example "I see tears in your eyes when you talk about that" "no It's not tears!" "Ah I see, right, it's water on your cheek"
As you can tell I learned a lot (and thats not even 1/3 of what I have in notes and handouts). I'm thinking that I really want to go up to Dr. Johnson's institute in Ottawah, or maybe even a workshop. I'm going to start using this with my couples because until now I was really sort of struggling with where to start with them.